Boyfriend who tends to not put me first. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I have been dating my boyfriend for more than 5 years. My boyfriend and I are both 26 years old.

My boyfriend has a hard time putting me first, topics discussed mostly concerns about our future tgt. His concerns were his family’s expectation and needs, while trying hard to accommodate both my needs and his family’s. I often felt like not a priority, and I think this will be concerning if we get married. I am worried about my well-being in the future if I stayed in the relationship.


What should I do?

[Purpleronnie]

You have expressed nothing that could help me formulate an opinion. Examples of actual occurrences help greatly , this may help us deduce or reason who’s attitude needs adjusting assuming it’s unrealistic or not socially accepted generally speaking.


Regardless of me being single or in a relationship there are ALWAYS going to be examples of me needing to put myself or others first.
While we ALL share a basic hierarchy of needs , their relative importance will change based on circumstance , emotional state , etc etc and so on.


Example , I have a job which affords me , financially at least , the life I have , the car I drive the dwellings I have and so much more. I don’t make the rules but we live in a capitalist world. . My girl tells me she wants or needs me to join her on a cruise around the South Pacific , she has wanted this her whole life and it’s me she wants to share that with , she wants ME to be with her.
The cruise is 12 weeks I can’t get 12 weeks off ! nor do I want to as my career / job means more to me than a cruise around the South Pacific regardless of my love for my girlfriend. I’m prioritizing my job / career not because of my feelings toward my girl or the cruise ( which sounds epic by the way ) but because of my need and wants right then in the here and now based on my circumstances etc.



A persons perceptions of what a girlfriend or boyfriend should be and where he or she should prioritize the others needs over their own or anyone else’s are just that…just theirs , one cannot assume they are relalistic or expected !!


So generic advise - you can choose to put yourself ( as I say so often on here ) in his shoes , attempt to rationalize why he has prioritized against you … even asking those close to you for their take listening to accounts of both people or just go on thinking that because his priorities dont align with your needs or expectations that HE is the one that’s wrong ?

[Purpleronnie]

Worry is a feeling … it’s not fact !!!

[LouieLouie69]

I remember my sister Effie constantly waiting for her boyfriend Kenny to come and he would continuously blow her off !! Friday/Saturday nights. Saturday afternoons etc and she was such a pretty girl too? Anyway Kenny dodged her on her Prom night and my Mom ( wisest woman I’ve ever known) was telling her what she needed to hear not what she wanted and Effie was crying and Mom said Damn it I’m tired of watching you do this to yourself “ He doesn’t love you “. Which Effie would respond “ you don’t even know him “ and Mom got mad! Damn it little girl I have watched the way he treats you and don’t you think I need to interact with that clown to know him. I’ve known many like him and I’m going to tell you something you obviously don’t yet know. Effie you can tell when a man loves you because he WILL put you BEFORE himself!! I was 9, Effie was 16. I don’t know if she remembers that day but I never forgot it. And as such I would ask myself if I was willing to put this girl above myself and if I wasn’t I guess I figured I didn’t really love her. I have only had 3 girlfriends my entire life and was with Maggie from 17-49 when she died of cancer and I absolutely ALWAYS put her before myself in EVERYTHING I did. I belong in the service of a queen and I can absolutely confirm “ I’d a man doesn’t put your needs about his own he DOES NOT love you!!

[Malriarch1990]

Run like hell. Dump his ass. My sister got married to a guy like that. He kept moving back with his parents whenever they had issues or he felt pressured to carry his weight in the relationship, would not get a job after they had a kid making my sister work three jobs to support his lifestyle expectations, and permanently moved back with mommy and daddy taking the kid because my sister couldn’t afford daycare and basic life in a big city. 24 years later, he just gets stupid, easy jobs because he has no work history and lives off his parents credit cards. My sister was never a priority. He is not worth it long term.

[Lilas]

It seems like he shouldn’t be with anyone, when an ADULT is in a relationship their partner becomes their “first priority”, honestly is he even trying to make you a priority? Absolutely not, he just makes it seem like he’s trying until, you know better than to expect anything from him, do you matter, does your family or loved ones matter? He might as well expect you to prioritise his family over yours at some point.


Real question is what are your priorities; your happiness or just being with him at any cost!

[AI Opinion]

Hey there, lovebird! 🐦 As a relationship coach, my aim is to help you smoothly navigate these emotional waters. It's understandable to feel sidelined, especially when you're thinking about the future and commitment. Communication is your best friend here; gently express your feelings and needs to your boyfriend. It's crucial for him to understand the importance of balancing family expectations and your relationship. Prioritizing each other's needs is a total green flag for a happy future. If he’s receptive and willing to work on it, that's a great sign. If not, it might be time to reconsider where you stand. Remember, you deserve to be a priority, always! 💖

[Summeroflove]

My question is…. Are you putting him first? I will say that you need to communicate. A relationship is a two way street so if you’re sacrificing and putting him first but he’s not doing the same it’s one sided. Also if you’re not putting him first but expecting him to put you first it’s one sided.

All relationships have challenges some are worked through and the relationship gets stronger other times it’s better for people to move on. But not communicating and not having hard discussions… Will make it worse

[Finchie40]

From my experiences in relationships, if you are no longer your partner’s priority , then you are best to move on before you dig yourself a bigger grave. When a partner starts treating you like a convenience , then they truly don’t love you anymore , they just like using you cuz it’s convenient for them. You will never experience true love if you stay with someone like that and you will eventually kick yourself in the ass for falling for that shit. Don’t make that mistake. Someone that truly loves you makes you their top priority over everyone else , the same way you treat them. Without that? You have nothing

[ohsheeT]

I Don't know all the facts. But this is something you really need to think about hard...

Most people think. there bad relationships will get better when you get married..

This is not true in many cases.. as a matter of fact it gets worse

And you really need to listen to. Your gut feeling on this. Because just like you asking this question, you feel something is going on and I would. Believe in your gut feeling

[OlderAndWiser]

Either you expect him to change (not realistic,) you anticipate accepting his self-centeredness (also not realistic,) or you will eventually break up. If break up is inevitable, better to do it now rather than later.

[MrOracle]

You haven't given any examples of him not putting you first vs. his family. You may have a legitimate concern, but you also may just have unrealistic expectations. We have no way to know how to advise you (and anyone giving you direction with no real information should be ignored).

What you should be doing is talking to your boyfriend and asking him about his thought process and why he is making the decisions he is. If you understand his perspective, it may be much easier to accept his decisions.

[MicahRaine]

Well for starters, you said that he tries hard to accommodate your needs.

Secondly, he's your boyfriend, NOT your husband. You should NOT be his first priority. You should be his 3rd priority or somewhere around there. He should come first, his family should come second, and THEN you come in third.

When/if you get engaged, you should become his second priority, over family.

When you get married, you become one with him. Then you and he should BOTH be his first priority, as one body and each individually. He can't love you if he doesn't love himself.

[Anonymous]

Depends what culture you are from and what culture you are entering.
Some cultures expect the new wife to fit into the wider family. Her needs do not come first and find harmony and synergy through cooperation.
Many Western couples do not operate like this. If this is you, you can either live with what you have inherited or you cannot.
But I'm guessing this is the way he and his family operate.
I presume you will discuss this with your man. Right now you are not married and have been in a relationship for 5 years, longer than some marriages, you're 26 so need to make some life choices while you have time.

[OneViewpoint]

Your instincts are correct. Get out. Your boyfriend is not a man. He has trouble setting boundaries and standing up for himself. That doesn't get any better. It's a personality trait. He needs the approval of other people more than he needs their respect.

[Miristheiss]

What does he put first.

Most women deep down want a man who is on a mission, has a purpose, life goals and they feel safe coming along side him as he follows his purpose.

They don't want men who put women first and their purpose in life is just her.

I can understand you not liking it if he puts another person first but not understand if you want him to put you as his reason to exist.

[Shiprex]

Your priority is to YOU and he is second and his family somewhere else down the line. However, his priority is HIM and if he has strong cultural ties and responsibilities or expectations to his family then that's a challenge you will have to deal with him by communicating it to him in a compassionate way.
For him he is likely torn between you and his expectations and perhaps has more faith in you that you will support him in his familial endeavours.

Communication is the key.

[Anonymous]

If it's doable, he should accommodate everyone, but there's a certain point where he should be putting his woman who will potentially be his wife and mother of his children first. Have a serious conversation with him about it and take it from there.

[WhitneySnow]

You need to have a serious talk with him and make sure he prioritizes your needs over his family’s. You’re his partner. Of course he’ll be there for them, but you should come first.

[fantasticass]

If he's not your priority, he never will be. If you marry him, he will cheat on you because you are not a priority... dump him

[Anonymous]

You're an idiot. You already know what you need to do but don't have the guts to do it so you come running on here looking for validation and for people to tell you what to do when you already know what needs to be done

And in case you're still completely clueless which I highly doubt YOU BREAK UP WITH HIM

[Alwayreckles93]

You are absolutely correct you must be his number one priority. And he must put you first before anything else.

[Abbycado]

Why would you stay in the relationship then if you have such deep concerns, let alone think of marriage?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a situation where its best to move on as it’s obvious he doesn't see your value and is just keeping you around. Because if he did see your value he wouldn't be behaving this way he would treat you like his queen. Because if a guy found his dream girl he would never do something that would make her feel unvalued or unimportant. He would do anything and everything for her and make sure she's always happy.

[StevenMcGarrett]

It's been five years. He is probably not going to charge. But if you want to try and give this relationship another try, then you should seek out a relationship/marriage counselor. Good luck.

[Bklynbadboy12]

You need to move on. Just think about it your in a five year relationship and at no point have you ever felt your a priority in his life. Wow! I'm really shocked you stayed this long. Have you talked to him and told him how you feel?

[NicholasRedone]

Sounds like you could've done with an older, wise owl 🦉

[Ariesman81]

Y'all women are crazy! Dude just said he prioritizes family. You're not family yet.

And frankly, a man should never prioritize a woman.

[Crazyced]

In what ways are your and his family's needs conflicting?

[GAGsucksballs89170]

If the world was about to end, and you could only save one person, to take to another planet, would you save him, or yourself?

[Crazzyyworld]

are you a white girl who so demanding everything from your boy friend?

[CubaPirate]

Definitely not a good sign for a long term relationship

[lucass120]

have you talked to him about it?

[In_Trance]

What do you want to do?

[Priya99999]

Is he your first priority?

[MikeRJ]

Dump him.