What is wrong with me? Why does nobody want me?

Question

I'm 6'2" 164 lbs and 25 years old. People always tell me I'm handsome and that my voice is also very attractive. I served 5.5 years in the military, I have goals and plans in life for college, I have no kids, my own place, great credit, stable income, and a fully paid off vehicle. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I'm intelligent, open-minded, very kind, very friendly, and passionate about any and everyone who I'm involved with in my life. However all my life, I've been rejected and/or friendzoned by every girl I've ever met. My first kiss/relationship was when I was 23 and didn't last long at all. I've only dated 2 girls ever and both were long distance and both were ones I met online. Even on online dating sites, I'm lucky to get 1 reply out of every 30 messages. Same with Tinder. I can literally swipe right on all 50 of every 12 hours and get maybe 1 match per day which will likely be either spam, or a very very very... unattractive girl who is probably swiping right on everyone too. Am I being lied to? Am I hideous? Is it because of my race? I want no sugarcoating I want honesty. Lately it's been kinda a double edged sword because after years of getting friendzoned, I make my intentions clear very early on and girls are always "not looking for a relationship" or "not trying to rush" and it sucks because all the years I've been patient and built a friendship first always resulted in me being friendzoned but when I let girls know early on that I'm pursuing more than friendship, they feel rushed and put off by it. I've even tried casual relationships/sex and same thing... nobody wants me. I just don't know what to do any more. At 25 years old I have yet to know what it feels like to have a girlfriend who I can visit whenever I want. I feel like I have to be something fake in order for girls to want me. I think that's why so many girls get played and why relationships never last because guys have to put on a charade and later show their true colors.

Updates

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Rawrzz · Accepted Answer

Hmm. Well, you look like a pretty attractive guy. And your traits all sound admirable, if they're true. I would suggest examining yourself more deeply. We can delude ourselves very easily. It's a natural human trait. You could have a flawed idea of yourself. However, I don't think that's the case. Just mentioning a possibility for consideration. I think introspection is a very good thing.

Now, online dating is shit for males. You have to realize that women will only go after the top 10% of males. You are maximizing your competition that way. Women go for top shelf when given the opportunity.

It could be because you're black, if you're going after different race women. Black women are 3 times more receptice to black men than other races, according to okcupid statistics. Black men were also penalized by other races. I'm sorry to say it, but black men do not have a good reputation. But, all that means is you've got a little more to prove. And that will take time. You have to disprove first impressions. So, you have a general handicap when it comes to first impressions, sure. It sucks, it's unfair, but thats life, my friend. So, you have to work past that and show people you are better than their preconceptions. Without malice at the unfairness.

For friendships, you can't let them go on too long without letting them know you want more than that. The first step is getting to know each other, and pouncing before. You also want to non-directly imply that you want more than friendship.

Bro. Life is a charade. In Japanese, there are these two conceots. Honne and taet... shit. forgot how to spell the next one. Tatemae or something. It's basically social mask and friend mask. You act differently with close friends than with strangers, right? Isn't that a charade? Yes, but it's okay, because it makes interaction more smooth. You don't just splay out all your negatives.

You also can't seem desperate. Most people hate desperation. It has to be natural.

Make sure you hone uour body language skills. Women are much more subtle than men. If you learn their language, you can significantly increase your chances.

Spend some time learning as much as you can about the female gendee. They are different from males. Use your instincts. In social circumstances, don't stay in your head.

I'm tired right now. Just before bed. But if you're interested in anything else I have to offer, then just reply to this answer, and I'll get back to it.

Psuedoscape · Accepted Answer

Its hard to change your mindset, but you need to approach things a little differently and it will take some practice. Its by no means being fake you just have act as if. I tell this to people a lot, but its a building block of talking to girls. You don't want to change your opinions or be agreeable, its good that you stick to whatever you think.

You just have to act as if you could care less if this girl wants to talk to you, or if she effects your day in any way one way or the other. Act as if she doesn't give you her number you have 10 other girls you could call. If you had 10 hot girls texting you all day long would you care if this girl on the street gives you her number or not, you would just laugh if you she told you to straight up fuck off. Its the best way I can describe how to start acting more confident and being yourself while not acting needy. This will make you get you more girls and less friends.

Stay away from tinder or other dating sites, they are a total waste of time, if you don't want to approach random girls on the street like others have mentioned do something social, get a dog and goto the dog park, or borrow your friends lol. Something where its not as much pressure to talk to someone you don't know.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

If you're one of those guys who think "I think that's why so many girls get played and why relationships never last" that could explain a lot. Why is it always a womans fault? Why is not just that she met an asshole who took advantage, just like men can meet bitchy women?
And what has race got to do with it when millions of blacks get girls either just to fuck or actually wifey.

Clicked on your profile to see your pic and came across other answers of yours such as
"As a matter of fact, in this day and age, a man asking a woman to marry him is literally like asking her to make his life potentially worse"
And other lovely little nuggets like that.
Also the way you view the gender differences are typical of those types of guys.
Honestly, the way you think of women, why do you even want a woman and what makes you think any woman in her right mind who isn't extremely desperate would want a man who thinks a certain way about women?
There are actually many opinions you've given on here that give an insight to your mindset, and that isn't the mindset women typically go for.
You need to understand that women are just people, and that not all men are such desperate losers that they'd fuck anything that offered so it's "too easy for women"

Darkfairie17 · Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry that you have had that experience. Dating is tough. I personally wouldn't be going on Tinder if you are looking for a relationship. I've heard of people finding relationships on there, but from what I hear that is the exception on that site.

I think your best bet is to get out and join some social groups. Meet some women in person. Also, talk to some friends of yours. Find out if you are giving off any vibes that might make someone rethink wanting a relationship with you.

You'll find someone, trust me! It just might take some time. I feel the same way as you sometimes. I'm 27, I work full time and have my own car. I don't have my own place as I'm saving for a house so I'm back at home for now and the area that I live in doesn't have any safe/clean apartments. But I have plenty of good qualities. I just find that most guys I talk to ignore them or don't take the time to actually get to know me to see those qualities. I keep trying though, some day I have to get lucky and meet the guy that I've been looking for forever. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Good luck to you!

Sardonix · Accepted Answer

You seem like a really sweet guy with his priorities straight, who's just experiencing some bad luck when it comes to who he's around romantically. All I have to say, is just keep being you. there's nothing wrong with you at all. Just be the best person you can be, and keep perusing your goals: like college, a home, a car, etc. I suggest you find new hobbies, perhaps try singing, sports, the gym, etc. You might meet some new people, and a possible date. Hanging out with other buddies from the military who have discharged can help set you up with someone too. Don't be in a rush, just take things as they come. I suggest being slightly more aggressive if you do meet someone you like. Not in a creepy way, just a little more confident, that's all. Good luck! :)

burlen · Answer

For the most part, you are correct with your assessment of why you are yet to find yourself a girlfriend. Many guys and girls on GaG have narrated tales similar to yours. Even people who dated in their teens or 20s find themselves in situations like yours at a later time in life. Meaning, you're not alone.

Playing the victim card does not help but disempower you to take control of your now and future. It sets you back from the meaningful progress you have made thus far.

True! Online dating doesn't favour people of colour, particularly blacks, according to studies by Okcupid and BBC. Likewise, not every guy has the swagger and finesse to approach and pick-up women in social circles.

Picking up girls is less about a guy's physical looks. Many guys would like to have your height and yet still date girls who are taller than them. That's not to suggest girls don't prioritise physical attraction.

Picking up girls is less about •what• the guy does but •how• the guy does it. There could be things you aren't doing right, ranging from what you say to girls offline and on dating sites to how you say those things and how you approach rejection.

You got to be strategic, creative, experimental, spontaneous, and learning in approaching girls. Can't elaborate on those 5 themes because of limited word count. Got any question about them, ask.

To raise your dating game you need to be your best self, not your real self. Overhaul your mentality: move away from the victim mindset to a warrior mindset, a warrior who charges on despite sustaining cuts from the adversary.

If you do masturbate or watch porn, stop doing it for at least 6 to 12 months. Yes, it's tough but it's a piece of the overall transformation you must undergo. Without a doubt, it will turbo-charge your confidence, reset your relationship with women, and make you super-hungry to approach many girls even in unpredictable situations.

Start doing a new hobby on a regular basis, preferably a sporting activity, such as running, biking, weight-lifting, etc. It uplifts you from the hollowness of loneliness and rewards your mind of the progress you've made. Most importantly, it adds to your physical appeal.

Anonymous · Answer

Well let's start with a sensitive point. Race.

From the data I've seen, you probably need to hit on 50% more women than a white guy with your attributes to get similar results. You probably don't need to change your standards though. It's not like all women rate black guys lower, it's more like 1/3 are flat out not interested and 2/3 are open to it. So you gotta hit on a few extra to make up for those. Sucks a little but it's not your main problem.

Being friends first is great if it works but it rarely does. And as a 'strategy' it's terrible because there's so much time invested in what's actually a long shot every time.

You want a relationship? Great. If you're talking about settling down right away that is off putting. But girls who want a boyfriend want a guy who is looking for a girlfriend. If saying that's what you want turns them away, good, they were a waste of time.

As others have said girls tend not to like it if you over invest early. There's an excellent solution to this for guys like you though it seems daunting - you need to be trying to date more than one woman. Not long term, but the first few dates. Think of dates at the start as being like job interviews. You don't just apply for one job and they don't just interview one candidate. You meet a bunch and hopefully end up with a few offers and pick the one you like. That's exactly how you want dating to be. You're not being s player - be honest you're going on dates looking for a good connection to make committed.

Sounds like your shyness is probably a drawback. Remember that shyness is a habit, it's not who you are. Being sociable vs quiet can be your character, but being anxious and staying quiet is a habitual response to stress. You've been in the military, you know you can retrain yourself to have more desired habits in stressful situations. Encourage you to push yourself in a consistent and disciplined way to overcome shyness, not just for your dating life but for your work life as well. You don't have to start with flirting all over. You can start by getting used to just talking to strangers more. Saying hi, being friendly, not pushing it but being open to small talk, everywhere you go.

Cosytoasty · Answer

Well you call girls unattractive then complain about getting no attention? Hey it's fine to have standards, but you gotta remember top tier girls are hard to get.

That aside... I almost think you're being too friendly and passionate about them. I know it sounds bad but you have to treat them as a 2nd priority to start off with and you need to talk to/see multiple women at the same time. The main effect of that is to protect YOURSELF from your self-esteem falling like it has now - whether or not the girls find that distance attractive doesn't matter.

Truthatanycost · Answer

You answered your own question with this sentence. ''I feel like I have to be something fake in order for girls to want me. I think that's why so many girls get played and why relationships never last because guys have to put on a charade and later show their true colors. ''

All I can say is, I get more interest, pursued, approached and attention from women when ever I've been too busy to care or indifferent. I was never doing this as a facade, I genuinely do not give a crap.

However, I've noticed that women are often drawn to this while they are completely ignoring the nice guys that are paying them compliments, approaching them etc.

This reminds me of this study where scientists discovered something in the data that showed that a lot of women find narcissistic traits in men attractive.

My advice to you, start to appreciate all that you have, develop the relationship that you have with yourself and enjoy your life.

gbjackalope · Answer

This really resonated with me. I'm in a similar situation and have a similar outlook on the situation too. So I can't give much advise. But I can say that it helps if you improve your confidence. And sure it's tough to do after striking out so many times, but you just have to keep trying. If you think about it, all it takes is one success. In a field of failures and hundreds of rejections, all you need is one yes so keep working towards it.
Also about the confidence thing, you don't need to change who you are. True confidence is just being comfortable in your own skin and with who you are. I'm trying to go with this outlook myself and hopefully it works. If anything, it will help me feel generally better about life and stuff. So win/win.

boatfullofpeace · Answer

This is just my personal opinion.
Based off your profile picture, you're not ugly but you're not my type, so I wouldn't date you.
Based on your description for your question, you seem like a reasonable, responsible guy.
Maybe you're just having bad luck?
Maybe it's just not the right time yet?
It could be a matter of race too, depending on where you're located.
Online dating doesn't really work for most people anyway.
If you have any faith in Jesus, pray about your dilemma.

best wishes, mate.

Barrabus_the_Free · Answer

You're better off. Just be aware that once The Wall is looming or has had his way with them, women WILL be 'interested' in you. They'll actually be interested in your wallet, since they're looking for someone to support them and their thugspawn, but they'll pretend to be interested in you.

Best thing you can do is gain an understanding of female nature, then say "Fuck it" to dating, relationshits, etc. Live your life the way you want, do the things that you enjoy, and remain single.

Once you say "Fuck it" to the whole thing, and concentrate on you, that's when you'll start getting interest from something other than fats or post-Wall slags. But if you TRULY said fuck it and concentrated on yourself, it won't much matter. Sure, you'll date if you want, fuck if you want, etc, but if it comes down to a choice between hanging out with your friends and going on a date, you'll hang out with friends.

es20490446e · Answer

95% of the time a guy is friend-zoned is because of acting more feminine than masculine. That is pursuing too much, and talking about things that a gay friend would speak about.

You simply need to show your interest by approaching her in a flirty manner, and let her do the rest. 80% of talking shall be in her side.

static.srcdn.com/.../...brosnan-gay-james-bond.jpg

Anonymous · Answer

I'm going through the same shit as you man. I still use dating sites, but I don't take them seriously at all anymore, especially as I got rebounded again recently and found out some shady behavior she had.

Online dating is like looking for jobs, you don't just go after one. The dates are interviews and you can bet the girl or guy has many options so you're dealing with even more competition than meeting someone in real life.

I've had luck meeting lots of women and getting dates, hookups and flings but no relationships.

Only Ones who did want a relationship were clingy, not attractive or I was a rebound.

Victoriann · Answer

I think most people find it difficult to find a potential SO. The ones who are in a relationship usually find it difficult to maintain

To be honest, I'd rather a relationship develop based on a solid foundation of friendship first. At least you already have the trust in each other. Trust is difficult to build , it takes time when you are first dating someone. So being friendzoned isn't always a bad thing

InDetail · Answer

That last comment is the truth, you'll maybe have to wait a bit longer girls are riding out their best years as long as they can (In that way too) because they know they'll probably want something more serious before of a bit after they hit 30, I say screw tinder and any dating app, you see a girl who looks good find out if you like her and go for her, people

JohnDoe3000 · Answer

1) You've had girls before, and you're not ugly, so no, you're not a forever alone guy.

2) Yes, your race works against you a little, but that would mostly be the case online, much less in real life.

3) 1 out of 50 on Tinder and 1 out of 30 on an online dating site isn't that bad, it' may even be a bit above average.

4) I think you're, like me, at a stage in your life where you barely meet any single women and, depending on your standards, this can make things exceedingly difficult.

Intraluminal · Answer

I doubt it's you. I'm convinced that online dating only works for women, and not very well for them either.

Anonymous · Answer

"I'm 6'2" 164 lbs" Hit the gym. Your a twig.

Anonymous · Answer

Nothing is wrong, but I think you need to join clubs, do more social activities because you seem shy... Find a passion and chase it, kickboxing? Join a gym... Girls will love you for that

Petr1992 · Answer

Didn't read it but cheer up champ. *pats head. * there there

Whaaaaa · Answer

I feel like you just gotta give it some time and in the meanwhile just live yo life

MaybeNot1 · Answer

What dating sites did you use?

Anonymous · Answer

Hmm. Nothing more attractive than feeling sorry for yourself and being the "victim".

Popo21 · Answer

Post a pic so we can see

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