What is wrong with me? Why does nobody want me?

I'm 6'2" 164 lbs and 25 years old. People always tell me I'm handsome and that my voice is also very attractive. I served 5.5 years in the military, I have goals and plans in life for college, I have no kids, my own place, great credit, stable income, and a fully paid off vehicle. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I'm intelligent, open-minded, very kind, very friendly, and passionate about any and everyone who I'm involved with in my life. However all my life, I've been rejected and/or friendzoned by every girl I've ever met. My first kiss/relationship was when I was 23 and didn't last long at all. I've only dated 2 girls ever and both were long distance and both were ones I met online. Even on online dating sites, I'm lucky to get 1 reply out of every 30 messages. Same with Tinder. I can literally swipe right on all 50 of every 12 hours and get maybe 1 match per day which will likely be either spam, or a very very very... unattractive girl who is probably swiping right on everyone too. Am I being lied to? Am I hideous? Is it because of my race? I want no sugarcoating I want honesty. Lately it's been kinda a double edged sword because after years of getting friendzoned, I make my intentions clear very early on and girls are always "not looking for a relationship" or "not trying to rush" and it sucks because all the years I've been patient and built a friendship first always resulted in me being friendzoned but when I let girls know early on that I'm pursuing more than friendship, they feel rushed and put off by it. I've even tried casual relationships/sex and same thing... nobody wants me. I just don't know what to do any more. At 25 years old I have yet to know what it feels like to have a girlfriend who I can visit whenever I want. I feel like I have to be something fake in order for girls to want me. I think that's why so many girls get played and why relationships never last because guys have to put on a charade and later show their true colors.


Most Helpful Girl

  • If you're one of those guys who think "I think that's why so many girls get played and why relationships never last" that could explain a lot. Why is it always a womans fault? Why is not just that she met an asshole who took advantage, just like men can meet bitchy women?
    And what has race got to do with it when millions of blacks get girls either just to fuck or actually wifey.

    Clicked on your profile to see your pic and came across other answers of yours such as
    "As a matter of fact, in this day and age, a man asking a woman to marry him is literally like asking her to make his life potentially worse"
    And other lovely little nuggets like that.
    Also the way you view the gender differences are typical of those types of guys.
    Honestly, the way you think of women, why do you even want a woman and what makes you think any woman in her right mind who isn't extremely desperate would want a man who thinks a certain way about women?
    There are actually many opinions you've given on here that give an insight to your mindset, and that isn't the mindset women typically go for.
    You need to understand that women are just people, and that not all men are such desperate losers that they'd fuck anything that offered so it's "too easy for women"

    • "And what has race got to do with it when millions of blacks get girls either just to fuck or actually wifey."

      Millions of smokers live to be 90 years old, that doesn't mean smoking, on average, does not have an impact on your life expectancy.

      "There are actually many opinions you've given on here that give an insight to your mindset, and that isn't the mindset women typically go for."

      Would the girls he meet actually know what he writes on online forums, would it show in his real-life conversations? I'm not convinced of that. People (but women are more socially conditioned to do this) are very good at rationalizing superficial dating choices with convenient socially acceptable arguments, even subconsciously (yeah sure, it's something he said, never mind that jacked handsome guy you fucked last week who said the same things while you were lost in his eyes). And is his mindset really much worse than that of "millions of other guys who get girls either to just fuck or actually wifey".

    • @JohnDoe3000 I know tons of black boys, only one who's a bit "off" has any trouble getting girls. Every single one apart from him has no trouble whatsoever. In fact, many girls like them just BECAUSE they're black.
      Only online have I ever heard of this being an issue.

      And yes, girls online will know by what he writes on his profiles or how he initiates messages. So many guys just give off a bad or odd vibe and it puts people off. I've met some before who are friendly, good looking, but something is just off about it or they don't know how to actually connect or build rapport or draw people in. It's a very valuable social skill they're lacking.
      Ok his mindset is obviously better than say a guy who uses girls, but that doesn't mean anybody will be flocking to him. I mean, a thief is better than a rapist, but we still don't like thieves.

      If he's got no game or charisma (which obviously he hasn't) then he needs to find another way to attract women instead of putting them off.

    • @JohnDoe3000 sorry I know initial reply was already long, but let me also add that one of the black boys I mentioned above is actually a little slow, and even he has no trouble. He lost his virginity when we were about 17 and has been fine ever since.
      Another is obese and broke. Yet another is obese but he's not broke. One is about 5'4 I'm 5'1 and he's not much taller than me at all. I know some who are obvious catches, but many who are broke, not the best looking, fat, slow, and other "problems" and they get girls easily because they have one thing in common- game/excellent social skills and the ability to draw people in. Not just girls, but also guys (as friends obviously)

Most Helpful Guy

  • Well you call girls unattractive then complain about getting no attention? Hey it's fine to have standards, but you gotta remember top tier girls are hard to get.

    That aside... I almost think you're being too friendly and passionate about them. I know it sounds bad but you have to treat them as a 2nd priority to start off with and you need to talk to/see multiple women at the same time. The main effect of that is to protect YOURSELF from your self-esteem falling like it has now - whether or not the girls find that distance attractive doesn't matter.


What Girls Said 7

  • I'm so sorry that you have had that experience. Dating is tough. I personally wouldn't be going on Tinder if you are looking for a relationship. I've heard of people finding relationships on there, but from what I hear that is the exception on that site.

    I think your best bet is to get out and join some social groups. Meet some women in person. Also, talk to some friends of yours. Find out if you are giving off any vibes that might make someone rethink wanting a relationship with you.

    You'll find someone, trust me! It just might take some time. I feel the same way as you sometimes. I'm 27, I work full time and have my own car. I don't have my own place as I'm saving for a house so I'm back at home for now and the area that I live in doesn't have any safe/clean apartments. But I have plenty of good qualities. I just find that most guys I talk to ignore them or don't take the time to actually get to know me to see those qualities. I keep trying though, some day I have to get lucky and meet the guy that I've been looking for forever. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

    Good luck to you!

  • I think most people find it difficult to find a potential SO. The ones who are in a relationship usually find it difficult to maintain

    To be honest, I'd rather a relationship develop based on a solid foundation of friendship first. At least you already have the trust in each other. Trust is difficult to build , it takes time when you are first dating someone. So being friendzoned isn't always a bad thing

    • I feel the same way. Friendship would lead to the bet relationship but unfornately 99% of the female race believes that once you get too "friendly" that is where you should stay and nothing you say or do will ever change that.

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    • I just don't know what to do anymore... I'm 25 now and still longing for the day that I have a girl who I can think about when I go to bed and wake up the next morning knowing I can see her. I've never had that before. The few long distance relationships I had only consisted of about 2 weeks of it.

    • Long-distance relationships are so difficult to maintain. They are very challenging. It's extremely rare they work out.

      The main thing is not to give up hope. Usually you find someone when you least expect it.

  • This is just my personal opinion.
    Based off your profile picture, you're not ugly but you're not my type, so I wouldn't date you.
    Based on your description for your question, you seem like a reasonable, responsible guy.
    Maybe you're just having bad luck?
    Maybe it's just not the right time yet?
    It could be a matter of race too, depending on where you're located.
    Online dating doesn't really work for most people anyway.
    If you have any faith in Jesus, pray about your dilemma.

    best wishes, mate.

    • What do you mean by "not your type" though. I've heard that from more girls I can remember. Only way I can think of that is if you were all tatted up with giant piercings all over your face or something then yea I'd see your point. And since I was like 11 I've heard "maybe it's just not your time" or "you'll find love some day" it gets kinda old after hearing it for 14 years.

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    • So in other words, unless the guy is like... 9/10 then you won't even consider him?

    • Is it because he's Black?

  • You seem like a really sweet guy with his priorities straight, who's just experiencing some bad luck when it comes to who he's around romantically. All I have to say, is just keep being you. there's nothing wrong with you at all. Just be the best person you can be, and keep perusing your goals: like college, a home, a car, etc. I suggest you find new hobbies, perhaps try singing, sports, the gym, etc. You might meet some new people, and a possible date. Hanging out with other buddies from the military who have discharged can help set you up with someone too. Don't be in a rush, just take things as they come. I suggest being slightly more aggressive if you do meet someone you like. Not in a creepy way, just a little more confident, that's all. Good luck! :)

    • It's hard to be confident when you've spent your entire life being rejected. Everytime I "be myself" or "be confident" it fails. I've never been in a rush... it just never happens. That's what makes it so stressful. I've gone years on end without even trying and as soon as I start trying again... it fails.

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    • I actually mean it when I tell a guy to get to know me. Only, he has to do it withing a certain time frame. Within our friendship, I expect him to put in effort to get to know me, since he's the one pursuing it. When he does, I will start to as well. If we click, then the relationship begins, if not, then it's a no. The problem with guys I tell to get to know me first, is they either almost immediately move on, or they make plans to hang out, but bail or don't really tell me anything about themselves. They tell me so little, and I can't pry it out of them, so I move on. Then they claim I "friendzoned" them.

      The thing I hate about men being only interested in sex, is because it's cheap. Men will fuck anything that breathes, I've seen some horrid chicks get laid. It's not a compliment in any way.

      Again, you seem like a decent person, and you're not unattractive. I've stopped trying to understand people at this point in my life. They're all retards. Every last one of them.

    • You're right, a lot of ugly girls do get laid but the problem is I'm always genuine. I ask lots of questions and tell a lot about myself. I always always always always do that but it never leads to anything and I find that most girls never want to contribute. They just kick back and wait for me to appease them which obviously I'm not very good at doing. And the few times I have looked for sex specifically, the only girls who ever wanted it were fat ugly ones. Even then, most of them treated it as if it was a gift that they were giving away rather than something that is mutually beneficial (if anything they are the ones receiving a gift)

  • I feel like you just gotta give it some time and in the meanwhile just live yo life

  • Post a pic so we can see

  • Hmm. Nothing more attractive than feeling sorry for yourself and being the "victim".

    • Thanks... you are very helpful. It's like... when I'm constantly rejected my entire life, I can't help but feel sorry for myself and helpless, then girls just use that as even more ammo to reject me. As if I'm supposed to feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself. I'm only stating facts, I'm nnot just perpetuating false negativity.

What Guys Said 16

  • Hmm. Well, you look like a pretty attractive guy. And your traits all sound admirable, if they're true. I would suggest examining yourself more deeply. We can delude ourselves very easily. It's a natural human trait. You could have a flawed idea of yourself. However, I don't think that's the case. Just mentioning a possibility for consideration. I think introspection is a very good thing.

    Now, online dating is shit for males. You have to realize that women will only go after the top 10% of males. You are maximizing your competition that way. Women go for top shelf when given the opportunity.

    It could be because you're black, if you're going after different race women. Black women are 3 times more receptice to black men than other races, according to okcupid statistics. Black men were also penalized by other races. I'm sorry to say it, but black men do not have a good reputation. But, all that means is you've got a little more to prove. And that will take time. You have to disprove first impressions. So, you have a general handicap when it comes to first impressions, sure. It sucks, it's unfair, but thats life, my friend. So, you have to work past that and show people you are better than their preconceptions. Without malice at the unfairness.

    For friendships, you can't let them go on too long without letting them know you want more than that. The first step is getting to know each other, and pouncing before. You also want to non-directly imply that you want more than friendship.

    Bro. Life is a charade. In Japanese, there are these two conceots. Honne and taet... shit. forgot how to spell the next one. Tatemae or something. It's basically social mask and friend mask. You act differently with close friends than with strangers, right? Isn't that a charade? Yes, but it's okay, because it makes interaction more smooth. You don't just splay out all your negatives.

    You also can't seem desperate. Most people hate desperation. It has to be natural.

    Make sure you hone uour body language skills. Women are much more subtle than men. If you learn their language, you can significantly increase your chances.

    Spend some time learning as much as you can about the female gendee. They are different from males. Use your instincts. In social circumstances, don't stay in your head.

    I'm tired right now. Just before bed. But if you're interested in anything else I have to offer, then just reply to this answer, and I'll get back to it.

  • For the most part, you are correct with your assessment of why you are yet to find yourself a girlfriend. Many guys and girls on GaG have narrated tales similar to yours. Even people who dated in their teens or 20s find themselves in situations like yours at a later time in life. Meaning, you're not alone.

    Playing the victim card does not help but disempower you to take control of your now and future. It sets you back from the meaningful progress you have made thus far.

    True! Online dating doesn't favour people of colour, particularly blacks, according to studies by Okcupid and BBC. Likewise, not every guy has the swagger and finesse to approach and pick-up women in social circles.

    Picking up girls is less about a guy's physical looks. Many guys would like to have your height and yet still date girls who are taller than them. That's not to suggest girls don't prioritise physical attraction.

    Picking up girls is less about •what• the guy does but •how• the guy does it. There could be things you aren't doing right, ranging from what you say to girls offline and on dating sites to how you say those things and how you approach rejection.

    You got to be strategic, creative, experimental, spontaneous, and learning in approaching girls. Can't elaborate on those 5 themes because of limited word count. Got any question about them, ask.

    To raise your dating game you need to be your best self, not your real self. Overhaul your mentality: move away from the victim mindset to a warrior mindset, a warrior who charges on despite sustaining cuts from the adversary.

    If you do masturbate or watch porn, stop doing it for at least 6 to 12 months. Yes, it's tough but it's a piece of the overall transformation you must undergo. Without a doubt, it will turbo-charge your confidence, reset your relationship with women, and make you super-hungry to approach many girls even in unpredictable situations.

    Start doing a new hobby on a regular basis, preferably a sporting activity, such as running, biking, weight-lifting, etc. It uplifts you from the hollowness of loneliness and rewards your mind of the progress you've made. Most importantly, it adds to your physical appeal.

  • Its hard to change your mindset, but you need to approach things a little differently and it will take some practice. Its by no means being fake you just have act as if. I tell this to people a lot, but its a building block of talking to girls. You don't want to change your opinions or be agreeable, its good that you stick to whatever you think.

    You just have to act as if you could care less if this girl wants to talk to you, or if she effects your day in any way one way or the other. Act as if she doesn't give you her number you have 10 other girls you could call. If you had 10 hot girls texting you all day long would you care if this girl on the street gives you her number or not, you would just laugh if you she told you to straight up fuck off. Its the best way I can describe how to start acting more confident and being yourself while not acting needy. This will make you get you more girls and less friends.

    Stay away from tinder or other dating sites, they are a total waste of time, if you don't want to approach random girls on the street like others have mentioned do something social, get a dog and goto the dog park, or borrow your friends lol. Something where its not as much pressure to talk to someone you don't know.

    • The "acting like I don't care" thing has been suggested to me before and it never works. I always have to give 99% to hope to MAYBE get 1% back. If I don't care, neither does she. Maybe works for some guys but not me.

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    • I guess at suck at explaining this lol. I would not say I'm overly good looking, I don't look or act my age, have a bunch of tattoo's and I quit going to gym when I quit playing football. I'm just good at talking and being a smart ass and making girls laugh. Online dating is bullshit for me, I'm way more successful in person.

      You don't act outwardly that you are talking to a million girls, you don't want them to know that clearly. You just use this as your mindset. Acting like them being interested in you will not effect your mood, be confident that you are good for them and act until you believe it is true.

    • I do get what you're saying but it's easier said than done. No matter if I act like I don't care too much or if I act like I really care, I still find that they just disappear if I don't chase them. Even if they seem really really interested... if I don't talk to them, I won't ever hear from them again.

  • You're better off. Just be aware that once The Wall is looming or has had his way with them, women WILL be 'interested' in you. They'll actually be interested in your wallet, since they're looking for someone to support them and their thugspawn, but they'll pretend to be interested in you.

    Best thing you can do is gain an understanding of female nature, then say "Fuck it" to dating, relationshits, etc. Live your life the way you want, do the things that you enjoy, and remain single.

    Once you say "Fuck it" to the whole thing, and concentrate on you, that's when you'll start getting interest from something other than fats or post-Wall slags. But if you TRULY said fuck it and concentrated on yourself, it won't much matter. Sure, you'll date if you want, fuck if you want, etc, but if it comes down to a choice between hanging out with your friends and going on a date, you'll hang out with friends.

  • You answered your own question with this sentence. ''I feel like I have to be something fake in order for girls to want me. I think that's why so many girls get played and why relationships never last because guys have to put on a charade and later show their true colors. ''

    All I can say is, I get more interest, pursued, approached and attention from women when ever I've been too busy to care or indifferent. I was never doing this as a facade, I genuinely do not give a crap.

    However, I've noticed that women are often drawn to this while they are completely ignoring the nice guys that are paying them compliments, approaching them etc.

    This reminds me of this study where scientists discovered something in the data that showed that a lot of women find narcissistic traits in men attractive.

    My advice to you, start to appreciate all that you have, develop the relationship that you have with yourself and enjoy your life.

    • Yea I have been recommended the "don't give a crap" thing before but it doesn't work for me. If I don't give a crap, neither do I. I'f I'm not pursuing them or expressing any type of interest in them, they don't care and we never speak anymore.

    • I was not recommending the ''I don't give a crap'', routine, I was just expressing how they reacted to it when I didn't give a crap.

  • 95% of the time a guy is friend-zoned is because of acting more feminine than masculine. That is pursuing too much, and talking about things that a gay friend would speak about.

    You simply need to show your interest by approaching her in a flirty manner, and let her do the rest. 80% of talking shall be in her side.


  • This really resonated with me. I'm in a similar situation and have a similar outlook on the situation too. So I can't give much advise. But I can say that it helps if you improve your confidence. And sure it's tough to do after striking out so many times, but you just have to keep trying. If you think about it, all it takes is one success. In a field of failures and hundreds of rejections, all you need is one yes so keep working towards it.
    Also about the confidence thing, you don't need to change who you are. True confidence is just being comfortable in your own skin and with who you are. I'm trying to go with this outlook myself and hopefully it works. If anything, it will help me feel generally better about life and stuff. So win/win.

    • Confidence is what leads to rejection for me. Confidence/being myself clearly isn't good enough for girls. That's what sucks. Girls don't like shy, timid, quiet, nerdy guys who like to draw and play video games. That is me... I'm that guy. When I'm confident in myself... girls don't like it. I've met other guys similar to me who totally change themselves inside out when they are around girls because they know that it's the only way that they'll get a girlfriend. Then after they get in a relationship and get comfortable, the guy reverts back to his normal ways, the girl doesn't like it and they end up breaking up.

  • 1) You've had girls before, and you're not ugly, so no, you're not a forever alone guy.

    2) Yes, your race works against you a little, but that would mostly be the case online, much less in real life.

    3) 1 out of 50 on Tinder and 1 out of 30 on an online dating site isn't that bad, it' may even be a bit above average.

    4) I think you're, like me, at a stage in your life where you barely meet any single women and, depending on your standards, this can make things exceedingly difficult.

  • I doubt it's you. I'm convinced that online dating only works for women, and not very well for them either.

    • It's not just online though.

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    • As long as there is a girl that ISN'T ugly. Which means she can be an average 5/10 or higher and she's single, I'd talk to her and try to get to know her. Sure I have some higher standards and expectations out of girls too but I usually never even make it that far. Getting a girl to talk to me at all is 90% of my battle. the other 10% is whether or not I'll like her and she'll like me back (or vice versa)

    • You know what? I took another look at your picture and read what some of the other posters were saying. I think I get it. You a "basic black dude" You need a hook. I read this book about picking up up girls and you need an outstanding feature or article of clothing. Something that makes them notice you (hopefully not in a bad way). I think you would benefit from one of those stupid pick-up seminars. Normally I think they are as stupid AF, but you might benefit, because once they get to know you, you sound like a keeper.

  • That last comment is the truth, you'll maybe have to wait a bit longer girls are riding out their best years as long as they can (In that way too) because they know they'll probably want something more serious before of a bit after they hit 30, I say screw tinder and any dating app, you see a girl who looks good find out if you like her and go for her, people

  • What dating sites did you use?

    • OKcupid, POF, Tinder, and a bunch of random apps that aren't really that popular. I know TInder is a "hookup app" but 99% of the girl' on there say they "aren't looking for a hookup." Doesn't matter though because I don't get any matches anyway.

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    • What reason or motive would I have for lying... come on now. Yes I've dumped money into dating sites before with the same mentality. I still got ignored and got nothing to show for it.

  • Didn't read it but cheer up champ. *pats head. * there there

  • I'm going through the same shit as you man. I still use dating sites, but I don't take them seriously at all anymore, especially as I got rebounded again recently and found out some shady behavior she had.

    Online dating is like looking for jobs, you don't just go after one. The dates are interviews and you can bet the girl or guy has many options so you're dealing with even more competition than meeting someone in real life.

    I've had luck meeting lots of women and getting dates, hookups and flings but no relationships.

    Only Ones who did want a relationship were clingy, not attractive or I was a rebound.

    • Well at least you had that going for you. Whether it's a fling, a hookup, or a full on relationship, I've had 0 success.

  • Well let's start with a sensitive point. Race.

    From the data I've seen, you probably need to hit on 50% more women than a white guy with your attributes to get similar results. You probably don't need to change your standards though. It's not like all women rate black guys lower, it's more like 1/3 are flat out not interested and 2/3 are open to it. So you gotta hit on a few extra to make up for those. Sucks a little but it's not your main problem.

    Being friends first is great if it works but it rarely does. And as a 'strategy' it's terrible because there's so much time invested in what's actually a long shot every time.

    You want a relationship? Great. If you're talking about settling down right away that is off putting. But girls who want a boyfriend want a guy who is looking for a girlfriend. If saying that's what you want turns them away, good, they were a waste of time.

    As others have said girls tend not to like it if you over invest early. There's an excellent solution to this for guys like you though it seems daunting - you need to be trying to date more than one woman. Not long term, but the first few dates. Think of dates at the start as being like job interviews. You don't just apply for one job and they don't just interview one candidate. You meet a bunch and hopefully end up with a few offers and pick the one you like. That's exactly how you want dating to be. You're not being s player - be honest you're going on dates looking for a good connection to make committed.

    Sounds like your shyness is probably a drawback. Remember that shyness is a habit, it's not who you are. Being sociable vs quiet can be your character, but being anxious and staying quiet is a habitual response to stress. You've been in the military, you know you can retrain yourself to have more desired habits in stressful situations. Encourage you to push yourself in a consistent and disciplined way to overcome shyness, not just for your dating life but for your work life as well. You don't have to start with flirting all over. You can start by getting used to just talking to strangers more. Saying hi, being friendly, not pushing it but being open to small talk, everywhere you go.

  • Nothing is wrong, but I think you need to join clubs, do more social activities because you seem shy...

    Find a passion and chase it, kickboxing? Join a gym... Girls will love you for that

    • Yea... I am shy and I don't know how not to be. I try my best to talk to girls and break out of my shyness and it usually works but my "non-shy" self is still not attractive enough to make them want to be with me. And yea I'm not really social nor am I into most things that others are interested in. I don't like sports or clubs or anything like that.

    • So the problem is that you are shy/not social...

      Gotta try out hobbies and clubs just to have fun and see if you enjoy them, and you might meet a girl there too!

      Also try networking, see if your friends know any nice single girls.

  • "I'm 6'2" 164 lbs"

    Hit the gym. Your a twig.

    • I appreciate your opinion but I highly doubt that's my problem...

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