If you have been single for a LONG time, does it affect your self esteem?

Question

I don't mean single for a few days or weeks. This question is mostly geared towards those of you that have been single for months, even YEARS at a time!

It's a common assumption that people that are single for too long are weird, unattractive, lack social skills, and so forth... which can have a negative impact on an individual's self worth.

Does being alone leave you discouraged or lower your self esteem and confidence? Why or why not?

If you have been single for a LONG time, does it affect your self esteem?

RtWalton · Accepted Answer

I have been single for my whole life, and I do believe it has caused my mood to sink, though not directly. Its not necessarily the lack of romantic relationships that causes me to be in sorrow, its the accompanying lack of social contact that isn't romantic that is so wretched.

This is probably a confusing subject, so let me explain further and start with some context. From what I have observed in American society, the three priorities for most adults tend to be (a) their career, (b) their romantic partner, and (c) their kids. All other factors, including friendships, tend to be pushed to the side (if not outright ignored), which is especially true when marriage or kids comes into the picture. This means that most people would rely on their nuclear family for social contact, as expression of deeper feeling is not so acceptable at work.

And since so many people are doing this, friendships become an unreliable way to connect with people as everybody would prioritize family over friends. This means that for those who do not enter into a romantic relationship, they can be somewhat deprived of social contact in general, as most others are getting their contact from other ways. So I do not particularly feel upset that I am not in a romantic relationship, but I am upset that so few of my former friends are willing to spend time with me now that they are so heavily involved in their career and romantic life. It almost seems like the optimal way to actually feel socially accepted is by dating, and if ones does not do that, they are restricted to a subpar social life at best. If I had some good friends that would be willing to speak with me frequently then I would not feel lonely or upset at all, but sadly, friendships with regular communication are not so easily maintained.

coachTanthony · Accepted Answer

It certainly can if you value being alone or not alone as a high importance in your life!

Problem is when you allow others to decide that for you and lose self worth or esteem based on their feelings. That should never happen.

Can_I_Get_a_Do-Over · Accepted Answer

I’ve been single for 19 consecutive years. I’ve been single a total of 30 years and married 14. No other long term relationships. I only started dating 2 years ago. For 17 years I was busy raising my kids, working, and getting grad degrees.

There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not weird or ugly and my social skills are good. I’m actually a nice person, active, passionate, and not interested in improving or changing anyone. I just let people be themselves.

Mutual chemistry is elusive, tho.

So how do I feel about being single so long? It’s a battle between happiness and sadness. I get out there and participate in life and have a good one. Each day that passes tho, I have to accept that it’s too late for me to find love again. I sometimes have a pity party for myself but mostly I’m just grateful to be alive and well.

SydneySentinel · Accepted Answer

Not really. To me, it means that I just haven't found the right person. I'm complex and I like complex people. It might happen for me and it might not. For now, I'll enjoy the company of my friends and family and meet people where I can. I don't mind being single, especially while my daughter is growing up.

If I'm single forever, I'll just be a sleazy old lady in the nursing home 🤣

aWes0MeNeSs · Answer

No, not at all. I've been single for nearly 4 years (though it's been by choice). My self worth is not determined by whether or not I'm in a relationship, or whether I have guys interested in me. It's about what I think of myself, as a person, and there are so many things I have to be proud of myself for.

jennifer_bloom · Answer

It does not make me feel worse. I think I feel equally good or bad about myself single or with a guy.

ManOnFire · Answer

Once upon a time it did, but since I'm mostly interested in just sex these days it's not really all that big a deal to me.

Apope16 · Answer

No. Not being single. Its about whats inside of you that makes you care or not whether you are single. I think age that makes loneliness scary. I would not feel happy with no family to come to my funeral.

DailyIntrovert · Answer

I've been single for almost 3 years now, not even been out on a date in all that time and I've honestly never felt better about myself so it's had the opposite effect on me. If anything whenever I was in a relationship it tore my self esteem to shreds simply because I didn't choose my partners well. Being single has allowed me the space to work on not catering to everyone else for once in my life and I've been able to build boundaries. I've been debating whether to try again but if it doesn't happen I'm quite happy with being alone.

JSmuve · Answer

It certainly can. Especially when people make a point to bring it up. Like when your singleness is so glaringly obvious that other people make it known that they notice it and passively make a big deal about it.

"How are you still single?"
"He just needs a girl to approach him"
"Are you not interested in girls? It still works, right?"
"Don't worry, you'll find someone."

When other people start showing concern at your chronic singlehood, that's when it really hits your self-esteem and makes you wonder if there really is something wrong with you; something that you're not seeing but other people are.

Anonymous · Answer

I read about a guy who was a 58 yr old virgin. There was nothing physically wrong with him (he doesn't weigh 500 lbs, had no major physical deformities, etc.). He’s not asexual. He masterbates and has fantasies about women. But for some extremely deeply rooted insecurities. He has an extremely abusive father who had severe PTSD from military combat.

Anyway I did have my officially real girlfriend until I was 32. I did date women from 16 on up. It was mostly hook ups, flings, friends with benefits. Mostly discreet. Often me trying to prove “I wasn’t gay”. But never a true full on genuine relationship till then. I was also extremely careful not to tell her that.

I can tell you that as man, especially a tall athletic guy who raised in a traditional family... people made me feel like absolute shit in my teens and 20s. At best it was an honest “why don’t have you have a gf” but more often “are you gay? You are weird” blah blah. My reaction was usually fuck you or I would try to laugh it off. But over time I started believing there was something serious wrong with me.

I do have ADHD. I think that was part of the problem because it made me overanaylze, panic or go silent while interacting with girls. Since women are usually more picky about personalities this obviously was a turn off.

But by 32 I was more self controlled. I also was only “semi” physically attracted to my first real girlfriend. That sounds horrible but it made me be more myself. I did love her as person though.

Unit1 · Answer

Nein. I got used to it. I am in a stage where i would say "you're going to be alone forever the 3285. th time" and I am left without any impacts or impressions. Meh. Shrug it off. Life goes on and I'll keep making more money.

Love is not real anyway. It doesn't exist. Ghosting and lying however is. And so is money 💚❤💰

Being in a relationship or not is not a choice. So I don't bother with things, that I have no control over.

I'm grateful for HD porn being available to us.

Death is inevitable.

phildonious · Answer

U actually have to have your own identity. It's a challenge and it has its days where you wanna just date the old hag at the end of the bar but in the end the longer you are alone the more you grow. Relationships are often a comfort bubble. Those comfort bubbles are nice but like concrete no flowers grow there unless you put a lot of work into it.

Anonymous · Answer

Nope. I've been single for years and have no plans of getting into a relationship. I look after myself, enjoy my hobbies, strength train, learn, and meditate. All of these things develops self esteem. I do not judge my worth by whether I'm with another or not. Being alone is solitude, peace and quiet.

However, if you perceive yourself as a loser and link your self esteem to whether you are with another or not, things may be different.

Self development is the key... and often people substitute the other person for their happiness, rather than developing themselves.

BeardMagic · Answer

I've been single all my life, I've dated and stuff but I've never came across THE ONE as they say. I think that your question depends on the person's life. Am I happy that I'm single? Meh. Does it affect my self esteem and sense of worth? Never, I built my life to be happy with me and the people I love and care for. When the day comes and I'm open to risk being hurt by letting a girl full on my soul it'll be awesome, but until then I have my life, my work and my hobbies. Part of life is being patient, it's hard as fuck but it pays off.

ShadowofRegret · Answer

It does not, as long as one strives to be the best person they can be, whether or not others find them attractive is irrelevant, as long as you are happy with who you are.

As for why someone can be single, it can be those things, but it also can simply be that one has not found someone they want to spend their life with, after all, every puzzle piece fits in somewhere, even if it maybe difficult to find where.

If it makes any difference, I have been single for the entire 26 years I have been alive, so I can relate at least a little, but try not to let it discourage you, that kind of thing takes time.

stardust101 · Answer

I don’t think being single for a long time makes a person weird. After all, you have a job right? Friends? You have social skills. If you want to be single then who cares what everyone says. And if you don’t want to be single, start networking. A lot of people assume that the only way to be happy is by having a life partner, perhaps for them but it’s not for everyone. Do what makes you happy.

ImagineSketchy · Answer

I have only ever been single. I don't know what being in a romantic relationship is like. Does it affect my self esteem? Not that I'm aware of. If anything, having DID greatly affects that and what one personality will say about me. It comes from me, and you, yourself are often your most harsh judge. This is especially true with me.
I do also lack social skills in the way of actually approaching others. I can hold a conversation quite well however I have next to little interest to randomly speak to strangers. I'm not fond of mingling and I feel better by myself than around a group of people I don't know.

NearlyNapping · Answer

It doesn't bother me at all.

To me it's a type of freedom. I don't mean that I have something against being with someone, because I definitely don't. I mean that I like the freedom of not "needing" someone. I see a lot of people who absolutely need someone, and I'm glad I'm not like that. If I had to be with someone to make me whole, I would feel like a slave to it.

Yea, I know a lot of people think I have something lacking. They just can't understand someone who really is OK with being single. These are often the kind of people who love playing match maker. They just can't accept that I'm fine being single.

el_Te_de_la_Rosa · Answer

I believe I can gain self-esteem from somewhere else apart from having a relationship. If I live my life to help others, the society, sharing knowledge to young generation, it should be fine.

My life is always like that, single but there are other things to do. It had been okay for 15 years until one day when I started to realize that no single man has ever approached me and asked if I could be his SO. On the other hand, there are only non single men who keep coming. It's obvious what they want. From then on I need to figure it out what is wrong with me...

SjE78 · Answer

it can do yes, but in the same respect being in a toxic relationship can also do damage...

i have also noticed though doing long term relationships, as i refuse to sleep around, and won't do friends with benefits, ONS etc so it is either committed or nothing, when you become available again, you lose track of how to go about the whole meeting someone new, and the whole dating process in general...
and it is this that can lower your view of yourself as you will meet a lot of people who are out there purely for 1 thing and they won't respect your unwillingness to have hookups or do things which aren't of interest or that go against what you prefer
and many of those will point out how worthless you are, it is worth noting though... no one is worthless and if you are to someone then they aren't the right people to be around

desperatelyhungry · Answer

Yes. I am 19 and I have never once been in a serious relationship or a relationship at all that lasted longer than a week. I've always been the one who told my friends not to worry if they didn't have a boyfriend because we're young and have plenty of time for that. As I see more people in my age group getting married, getting into serious relationships, and having kids, I am starting to get insecure. I still have hope I'll find someone but I'm getting worried, mostly that I won't find anyone before my 20s are up because I would like to be married and begin having children by 30

markscott · Answer

I know some wonderful people who have been single for years. It doesn't seem to effect their self esteem, and there is no reason for it to effect it. Getting into a relationship with someone who you would rather not be in a relationship with, doesn't improve your self esteem. Many single people simply chose to be single, for a variety of valid reasons.

happyhedgehog · Answer

It does, just a little; I've never dated anyone in my entire life. But I don't let it bother me too much, because part of it is just my decision. If it's not the right person then I just won't date them, because I don't date for fun. I want to get married and the only reason I would have a relationship with someone is if I could see us together for the rest of our lives. I'm still really young, so it's not really a problem yet. But I do get a little bothered sometimes when I see other people in relationships and I realize that I'm still alone.

Ellie-V · Answer

I have been single for a long while and my self esteem is exactly where it needs to be.

I’m not alone. I am constantly surrounded by love. I don’t understand why people think they need a spouse or a romantic relationship to feel emotionally satisfied.

Robertcw · Answer

I actually find the feeling of being loved weird. As I get older I am learning more about myself and I've never been happier.

As a general rule, what is considered normal is usually the worst pisdible thing for me. And the one thing most people hate I've found I have a high chance of liking the most. So I often fo the opposite of what other people advise me to do and after choosing myself over generic advice I've never been happier. That's all there is too it. In all likelihood, dating would probably make me unhappy. And I've tried it out a few times and I don't know. I just don't enjoy it that much.

rgb008 · Answer

I have been single for a little over 1.5 years after being in a 4 year relationship prior.
At first, it really was a hit to my (already low) self esteem at the time.
But then, you take all that time to work on yourself, work out, focus more on things that matter to you, etc. And that also raises my confidence. I decided to go back to school and change careers because I was so unhappy with what I was doing back then.
I've been casually dating, but nothing ever getting past a first date lol.
I've had guys in real life express interest in me (not dating apps, which is so weird to me, not used to this). But also exciting.

coolbreeze · Answer

I know my self esteem is worth 1 million bucks.😂😂😂😂. Being single provides freedom to do as you please without feeling trapped or handcuffed with a person.

cavmanier · Answer

My self-esteem wasn't really affected but I did wonder if women were attracted to me sometimes. It does help a know that women are interested when he's getting attention.

Anonymous · Answer

Hard to say, as it's always been kind of low. I grew up in an abusive household (mental and physical) with someone who had a bad temper. I'm having a lot of trouble with other things, so it probably feels worse not being able to date. I have severe depression, social anxiety. I try to stay positive, but it's extremely difficult, especially not having anyone. I think if other things were going well, it wouldn't feel QUITE as bad, but who knows? I might feel worse because I had all this stuff going on was still single, but if I was extremely busy, I might sort of be able to distract myself.

I think some people are just better with a good relationship support system behind them. Some people don't need it, but I think some people for whatever reason need that in their lives.

Juxtapose · Answer

It can depend on the person but most people desire intimate companionship enough that it will affect them negatively if they can't get it.

I'm at a good point in my life now, but if I still don't have someone in 10 years then I'm going to get a bit worried and feel like I'm really missing out.

Anonymous · Answer

When I was in middle school and high school it did. Plenty of other guys had girlfriends all along, I only had 1.

As an adult I'm finding that there are several times that I actually enjoy it. Memories of past problems with a relationship make it easier.

Scarecrow13 · Answer

I think it depends on the reason. Some people are single by choice. Others, like I was for along time, just lack self confidence and are terrified of rejection. Others perhaps do put themselves out there but are constantly rejected and that can be very damaging to self esteem.

MadBoy · Answer

... Well, I'm weird... I lack social skills... I'm definitely not attractive... My self-esteem and confidence is near rock bottom, if not as low as Hell (literal Hell)... And I've been single all my life. ... Yeah I think that it does something.

Paul09 · Answer

I've been single far too long. I try not to think about it too much. When I do, it puts me in a bad mood. I suck at social skills, no one really understands me. I do have a low self esstem because of it. I think I'm OK looking, I am weird, but that's me, and I will not change. I do enjoy some alone time. But after years of it, you just feel lonely, and try to keep doing some things to keep my mind off it. Hard to break out of this dam shell, but hopefully one day? And the fact that I always have to make the first moves, makes it that much harder. I've also experienced being cock blocked very, very discouraging. That being said, I always wake up with a positive attitude, and try to be in that mood all day.

DorkVader · Answer

Been single a looooong time. It's ok. I have occasional moments when I think I need to be something I'm not but they pass quickly

Jjpayne · Answer

It really does!!! I could really use some female energy to help me to feel better with my identity

Anonymous · Answer

Yes it has affected me at once, yet not anymore. I realized my value as a human being doesn't comes from how others perceived me, it comes from the inner satisfaction of staying true and thriving to become a better person each day. Some days I do feel kind of not that pretty, because sadly, as a human I am, I wonder what happens different in me that I just haven't attracted anyone romantically, yet other days Im way lighter.

l33tboot3r · Answer

Not really. I really do look forward to having a family in the future though. But I can DEFINITELY wait because there's so much for the world to offer me right now and I'm going to take advantage of it while I can.

JC451 · Answer

I value myself to much to think I'm so undesirable no one likes me. I've been single for almost 4 years now. 3 of those by choice. And this last year because I've focused on building my career. I've seen pretty detestable people find relationships. I think I will too when I get out there.

omgeverytime · Answer

I think it's like this those that are acquward become isolated and become acquwarder and then become desperate and being desperate is unattractive and being isolated doesn't help with fashion or a connection with looking good and desireable. understand my message... so when it's bad for you and you remain on that path it only gets worse and will continue unless you make changes in your life but if you are isolated where do your id as for change come from.. from yourself which is the problem so a vacuum is created and you sucked into the blakjoke of lonelyness

silvermoon84 · Answer

Been single for a couple of years now. It bothers me every once in a great while but not as much as it used to. I want to be in love with the person I’m with. Like date, get to know one another and fall in love naturally. I don’t listen to any of that nonsense about it being impossible at my age. It’s not impossible, just more difficult and I’d rather be alone than married to someone who I can’t stand just for the sake of being married

Máiiréad · Answer

I've been single my whole life, so I am used to being by myself. I have guys that are interested in me and sure I've been talking to them. If they are going to be a positive addition to my single life then awesome, but if not then I'd be perfectly fine without it.

hellionthesagereborn · Answer

Yeah, I mean its hard not to take it personally when you have the opposite sex letting you know that your not worth being with, that your just not of value. But you just got to keep going and hopefully luck out and find some one who actually gives you a chance and sees the worth in you.

kamiljano · Answer

It depends. If you're on alone because you cannot get anyone to like you, then yeah, it will hit your self esteem. But if you're on alone after 10 failed relationships and you decide yourself that you would rather stay this way rather than attempt yet another relationship and fail again, then not really. In fact in this situation being single has a potential to boost your self esteem.

Soporific-san · Answer

Been single for three years. I don't really put myself out there for a relationship. I don't feel less attractive about myself. I can be quite weird, but in a non disturbing way. My social skills, really depend on the moment. Being single, tbh, has its ups and downs. During winter, nothing but downers. Its too cold to be alone. At this point, waiting for that special lady just for me. Might pay off... eventually.

LoU_Hades · Answer

I think some people can develop low self-esteem while being long time singles. It's the same kind of people who evaluate the quality of their relationships only as projection of quality of their partners on themselves. Egoism is counter productive in every team game, even in that one with your own emotional ego.

Masteress · Answer

Depends on if you're looking for love or not. If you're looking for love to make yourself feel confident, it's only gonna hurt worse when that person leaves. Be confident, work on self-love, and do all the things you won't be able to do when you're in a relationship. Find excitement in being single. When you find "the one", things will be so much more clear.

Tedster420 · Answer

If you let it. Once it gets past that line in your mind and you have to let it. I've been single for almost 5 years and I'm just as confident in myself as I was when I ended my last relationship. I dont allow loneliness to cross the self respect line.

SomeGuyCalledTom · Answer

I think so-- just yesterday i posted on GaG to such effect. Men judge ourselves on our ability to:

1) make bank
2) lead others
3) win fights/ contests of skill
4) get girls (or at least have the *option* of doing so at will)

When we fail in one or more of these areas for long periods of time, it knocks our confidence. I was surprised in my recent GaG question to find girls cared far less about my dry patch than i thought they would. So people can surprise.

Alice2398 · Answer

Before I met my now boyfriend at age 21 I was very insecure and depressed. I was starting to get so desperate for love I was looking for it anywhere and in all the wrong places with all the wrong people, after being hurt again and again I was starting to loose hope and gave up till my friend pushed me into using tinder

Kamari012 · Answer

Being single for a long time doesn't necessarily affect your self esteem. Some people and single by choice which is why self esteem being lowered isn't always the case. However, it could lower the self esteem of females because they might not get attention and it makes them feel insecure and gives them the mindset that they are not beautiful or good enough for a mans attention.

Dargil · Answer

I chose a self imposed drought after being in abusive relationship where she took advantage of my civility and good graces. I dropped out because I near beating the shit out of her for her behavior. The drought rebuilt my self image. I know I should have bailed earlier but I thought I could nice my way into her heart.
But my self imposed drought recovered my self worth.

Magicstar · Answer

Single and alone, zero intimacy for over three years. Part is clearing from the old relationship. That has past already. My esteem is great, I know who I am. I am weird to many, and I know this. Those of us who are empaths are very different. The desire for connection is the emptiness that is felt. It's not fun. Self satisfaction (masturbation) can and often leads to saddness, because the release has no recipient.

Anonymous · Answer

Not until i see questions like this😂. But no I made a conscious decision to stay single until I was fully healed and dating every moment of my life feels constricting.

SirRexington · Answer

Its been about 4 years. It eats away as time goes on. You see others lives move forward an you see your friends and other people your age with partners in relationships and it makes you feel even more depressed and lonely. You see beautiful girls who look like they could be cool but they are already with someone or you'd be wasting their time if they weren't due to my financial and living situation.

Tyladron · Answer

I've never dated anyone, but that's more by choice. Though I don't think I could get in a dating relationship with someone either way as I struggle to make friends. Doesn't effect my self-esteem much though. I am weird and lack social skills, though I lack social skills because I could never make friends when I was younger.

Belliebella · Answer

it used to for a veery long time, untill just recently ( I would say as recent as this year). I just got to a point where I got sick of other people having that negativ impact on me. Im not stressing that much about finding someone atm, I do date, but I dont have any expectations I guess. Also I feel like most other aspect of my life have improved, which I think has had an effect on it.

HomoFuge · Answer

It used to because I wasn’t using my time wisely. Now that I am focusing on bettering myself being single doesn’t bother me.

lightbulb27 · Answer

it has at times but then I realize those statements are not true. so often it is of my own choices and doing and lack of inaction, etc..

XavierSteele · Answer

Yes, it truly has effected mine, not only has it led to multiple orgasms by sometimes multiple people at the same time. It has increased my chances of becoming disrobed 1000 percent. Not only that I have had to learn how to type and talk to women and I will tell you what, that can be tiring. I can not speak for anyone else but being aroused for multiple hours at a time is very very exhausting and it runs up the water bill. :)

_SOARER_ · Answer

It hasn't affected mine because I chose to be single. I have always been in a relationship, since I was about 16.
This past year I decided to be single until I could sort out my life, my problems, understand what I need from a woman, and understand what a woman needs from me.

I have reached the point where I am a better man. So if anything being single has boosted my self-esteem, because it was a choice. I think for many people it isn't a choice.

Valso · Answer

I've been single for 15 years. They say "the third time is the charm" and in my case it was true - after the third failed relationship (that one hurt the most, took me 13 years to get over her) I gave up on dating. I got used to being alone and I stopped caring about that long ago.

Since the kindergarden girls have always told me I was ugly and no girl would want me. I guess they've been right.

chc0009 · Answer

I've been single since I came out of my mother's womb and it did. But now, I see that most modern women are a problem and that I was better off not taking care of any of them. They all want to have their cake and eat it too.

Sometimes, I joke about breaking the world record for longest without a girlfriend.

If you have been single for a LONG time, does it affect your self esteem?

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