I don't mean single for a few days or weeks. This question is mostly geared towards those of you that have been single for months, even YEARS at a time!
It's a common assumption that people that are single for too long are weird, unattractive, lack social skills, and so forth... which can have a negative impact on an individual's self worth.
Does being alone leave you discouraged or lower your self esteem and confidence? Why or why not?
If you have been single for a LONG time, does it affect your self esteem?
I have been single for my whole life, and I do believe it has caused my mood to sink, though not directly. Its not necessarily the lack of romantic relationships that causes me to be in sorrow, its the accompanying lack of social contact that isn't romantic that is so wretched.
This is probably a confusing subject, so let me explain further and start with some context. From what I have observed in American society, the three priorities for most adults tend to be (a) their career, (b) their romantic partner, and (c) their kids. All other factors, including friendships, tend to be pushed to the side (if not outright ignored), which is especially true when marriage or kids comes into the picture. This means that most people would rely on their nuclear family for social contact, as expression of deeper feeling is not so acceptable at work.
And since so many people are doing this, friendships become an unreliable way to connect with people as everybody would prioritize family over friends. This means that for those who do not enter into a romantic relationship, they can be somewhat deprived of social contact in general, as most others are getting their contact from other ways. So I do not particularly feel upset that I am not in a romantic relationship, but I am upset that so few of my former friends are willing to spend time with me now that they are so heavily involved in their career and romantic life. It almost seems like the optimal way to actually feel socially accepted is by dating, and if ones does not do that, they are restricted to a subpar social life at best. If I had some good friends that would be willing to speak with me frequently then I would not feel lonely or upset at all, but sadly, friendships with regular communication are not so easily maintained.
Actually not only did I understand that completely, but I know exactly what you are going through-
"... friendships become an unreliable way to connect with people as everybody would prioritize family over friends. This means that for those who do not enter into a romantic relationship, they can be somewhat deprived of social contact in general, as most others are getting their contact from other ways. So I do not particularly feel upset that I am not in a romantic relationship, but I am upset that so few of my former friends are willing to spend time with me now that they are so heavily involved in their career and romantic life." Oh gosh, this comment is a discussion in itself. I consider my friends my "safety net" so to speak since like yourself, I have no relationship or romantic life. So I rely on my friends as a means of companionship. The problem is, most of them have their own lives now: they are married, in relationships, or have jobs. So while they are there for me the best they can be, they are going to prioritize their lives over their friends! Which is understandable!
But it leaves us with a subpar social life: great when we have people around and available. Terrible when they are not available or we have no one to turn to.
I’ve been single for 19 consecutive years. I’ve been single a total of 30 years and married 14. No other long term relationships. I only started dating 2 years ago. For 17 years I was busy raising my kids, working, and getting grad degrees.
There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not weird or ugly and my social skills are good. I’m actually a nice person, active, passionate, and not interested in improving or changing anyone. I just let people be themselves.
Mutual chemistry is elusive, tho.
So how do I feel about being single so long? It’s a battle between happiness and sadness. I get out there and participate in life and have a good one. Each day that passes tho, I have to accept that it’s too late for me to find love again. I sometimes have a pity party for myself but mostly I’m just grateful to be alive and well.
WOW... wow. And here I am thinking my 10, 11 years of being single is rough. You ma'am, have my respect! Not for how long you have been single, but your upbeat attitude towards it and how you're handling it. I have those days too: I try to not to think about it or assume it's my fault I'm single. Then other days it just... sucks. I wonder is it me, my appearance, attitude, or just bad luck? But like yourself, I do my best to carry on with life instead of moping over it. Maybe the right person will come along, maybe not. There is no point in stressing over it though-
"Mutual chemistry is elusive, tho." You got that right...
I have a married friend in another state whose marriage sucks. We help each other stay positive. He always points out that I’m still in the game because I get replies to my online profile and I do have dates. I’ve actually turned down at least a dozen men in two years who really liked me and wanted to date but I just couldn’t warm up to them. They need to have teeth and not smoke! Lol
Oh gosh, and that is another reason I do not mind being single: I do not want to get in the wrong relationship and wind up miserable. My boss is experiencing the same issue with his marriage, but he refuses to leave her because he's already been divorced once and rather not go through it again. So he silently suffers (and complains to me about it, haha). He always tells me to enjoy being single and don't settle just for the sake of being with someone... and he's right.
Haha! That's right: if they want a good woman like yourself, they need at least have teeth in their mouths and not smoke!
Not really. To me, it means that I just haven't found the right person. I'm complex and I like complex people. It might happen for me and it might not. For now, I'll enjoy the company of my friends and family and meet people where I can. I don't mind being single, especially while my daughter is growing up.
If I'm single forever, I'll just be a sleazy old lady in the nursing home 🤣
@SydneySentinel I lost my Gran a few years back but even the mention of her brings an instant smile to my face. She had more boyfriends in her 80's than I had girlfriends in my teens!! She was the Queen of her Nursing home! If you've got it, you've got it! lol
One of my friends used to say (about hooking up with girls) If it's easy, go ahead and take it before someone else does... But if it's Too Easy, you probably want to leave it alone because if it's that easy... It's sleazy... Looking back there are a lot of things that he didn't understand and it is far from even a funny joke, it hardly makes sense... But back then I was sure to stay far away from super "easy" girls...
@AndrewMG Your Gran sounds awesome! Bet she'd have has some good pointers! I don't know if I've got it yet, but by the time I'm in the nursing home... there's hope 🤣
@MooSooBe That's why you wait til you're old to become sleazy! When you're old, it doesn't matter!
@SydneySentinel I used to visit my Gran all the time, but when I went to Uni I moved a couple of hundred miles away, so I ended visiting at the most 4 times a year, I swear that even though she was in her late 70's /early 80's in those first few years every visit she had a new fella on the go. She was a playa to the end! lol
No, not at all. I've been single for nearly 4 years (though it's been by choice). My self worth is not determined by whether or not I'm in a relationship, or whether I have guys interested in me. It's about what I think of myself, as a person, and there are so many things I have to be proud of myself for.
No. Not being single. Its about whats inside of you that makes you care or not whether you are single. I think age that makes loneliness scary. I would not feel happy with no family to come to my funeral.
I've been single for almost 3 years now, not even been out on a date in all that time and I've honestly never felt better about myself so it's had the opposite effect on me. If anything whenever I was in a relationship it tore my self esteem to shreds simply because I didn't choose my partners well. Being single has allowed me the space to work on not catering to everyone else for once in my life and I've been able to build boundaries. I've been debating whether to try again but if it doesn't happen I'm quite happy with being alone.
It certainly can. Especially when people make a point to bring it up. Like when your singleness is so glaringly obvious that other people make it known that they notice it and passively make a big deal about it.
"How are you still single?" "He just needs a girl to approach him" "Are you not interested in girls? It still works, right?" "Don't worry, you'll find someone."
When other people start showing concern at your chronic singlehood, that's when it really hits your self-esteem and makes you wonder if there really is something wrong with you; something that you're not seeing but other people are.
Yeah this is true. I think it’s even tougher for good looking guys. Girls assume dating is the same for them as it is for themselves. We both know it’s not
@westwordbound it makes you question if you're even attractive. Like, were all those people who said I'm good looking lying to me? It really does make you question every aspect of yourself.
@JSmuve Yeap, this right here is one of the downfalls of being single for too long: when your friends and family start noticing it and assuming something's wrong with you :| I promise I've been there too.
And I cannot stand when someone says, "How are you still single?" Hell if I knew how to fix that problem, I wouldn't be single now would I? LOL. I try to ignore it or laugh it off but yeah, sometimes it does annoy me. Believe me, it's not just men that deal with that nonsense. Especially the older you get and you're still single, the more people assume something is wrong with you.
@westwordbound "But do women get called “lesbians” if they are attractive but don’t do well with guys. Not very often from I can tell." LOL! I am so glad you brought that up!
I have had several of my coworkers at my job, mostly female, assume I am a lesbian since I am still single and don't seem interested in men. Yeah, really. So you can imagine their surprise when I 'politely' tell them I am straight! I just don't desperately throw myself at men like some of them do. I just love how presumptuous people are nowadays! If you're a woman that's still single and childless in your 30s, apparently that makes you a lesbian, LOL
Yeah but is it said in a mocking, bullying manner. Lesbianism has always been more acceptable compared to gay men because both genders have no respect for effeminate men. Not saying all gay men are like this but let’s be honest, the stereotype is often true about them. Also many straight guys have a sexual fascination about lesbians (if the women are feminine)
But again I realize that sucks. Now I've been in and out of 3 relationships in the last 5 years. All these women treated me well but one reason or another it went south. Once it was completely my fault, the second time it was 50/50 and the last time it was more her (she was mentally unstable).
So my advice to you is try giving a decent guy a chance. Look inwards first. It might not last forever but it’s a start. I started thinking differently around 31.
I read about a guy who was a 58 yr old virgin. There was nothing physically wrong with him (he doesn't weigh 500 lbs, had no major physical deformities, etc.). He’s not asexual. He masterbates and has fantasies about women. But for some extremely deeply rooted insecurities. He has an extremely abusive father who had severe PTSD from military combat.
Anyway I did have my officially real girlfriend until I was 32. I did date women from 16 on up. It was mostly hook ups, flings, friends with benefits. Mostly discreet. Often me trying to prove “I wasn’t gay”. But never a true full on genuine relationship till then. I was also extremely careful not to tell her that.
I can tell you that as man, especially a tall athletic guy who raised in a traditional family... people made me feel like absolute shit in my teens and 20s. At best it was an honest “why don’t have you have a gf” but more often “are you gay? You are weird” blah blah. My reaction was usually fuck you or I would try to laugh it off. But over time I started believing there was something serious wrong with me.
I do have ADHD. I think that was part of the problem because it made me overanaylze, panic or go silent while interacting with girls. Since women are usually more picky about personalities this obviously was a turn off.
But by 32 I was more self controlled. I also was only “semi” physically attracted to my first real girlfriend. That sounds horrible but it made me be more myself. I did love her as person though.
Nein. I got used to it. I am in a stage where i would say "you're going to be alone forever the 3285. th time" and I am left without any impacts or impressions. Meh. Shrug it off. Life goes on and I'll keep making more money.
Love is not real anyway. It doesn't exist. Ghosting and lying however is. And so is money 💚❤💰
Being in a relationship or not is not a choice. So I don't bother with things, that I have no control over.
"Nein. I got used to it." You're already used to it? Impressive! I didn't get to that stage of acceptance until my late 20s I think? (27, 28 maybe). Mind you, it still sucks occasionally, but being single isn't the end of the world.
"I'm grateful for HD porn being available to us."
I need to stop coming on here at work. I'm in my office laughing and my coworkers are going to think something's wrong with me!
Kind of early I suppose? Because in the beginning on 2019 my heart was smashed hard. Now I have none and money pumps my body. That's how I adapted. Being single is standard and people treat it like it's not.
Hahahahaha 😂 Yeah lady. Focus on your job! Check here during lunch breaks or during something more convenient 😀
NOW GET BACK TO WORK BIAT------ errr I meant BEAUTIFUL of course ;) :)
U actually have to have your own identity. It's a challenge and it has its days where you wanna just date the old hag at the end of the bar but in the end the longer you are alone the more you grow. Relationships are often a comfort bubble. Those comfort bubbles are nice but like concrete no flowers grow there unless you put a lot of work into it.
"Relationships are often a comfort bubble" This! Very true sir! Some people are bad about using relationships like a bandaid to deal with their other issues or just be with someone so they will not be alone.
Nope. I've been single for years and have no plans of getting into a relationship. I look after myself, enjoy my hobbies, strength train, learn, and meditate. All of these things develops self esteem. I do not judge my worth by whether I'm with another or not. Being alone is solitude, peace and quiet.
However, if you perceive yourself as a loser and link your self esteem to whether you are with another or not, things may be different.
Self development is the key... and often people substitute the other person for their happiness, rather than developing themselves.
I've been single all my life, I've dated and stuff but I've never came across THE ONE as they say. I think that your question depends on the person's life. Am I happy that I'm single? Meh. Does it affect my self esteem and sense of worth? Never, I built my life to be happy with me and the people I love and care for. When the day comes and I'm open to risk being hurt by letting a girl full on my soul it'll be awesome, but until then I have my life, my work and my hobbies. Part of life is being patient, it's hard as fuck but it pays off.
It does not, as long as one strives to be the best person they can be, whether or not others find them attractive is irrelevant, as long as you are happy with who you are.
As for why someone can be single, it can be those things, but it also can simply be that one has not found someone they want to spend their life with, after all, every puzzle piece fits in somewhere, even if it maybe difficult to find where.
If it makes any difference, I have been single for the entire 26 years I have been alive, so I can relate at least a little, but try not to let it discourage you, that kind of thing takes time.
I don’t think being single for a long time makes a person weird. After all, you have a job right? Friends? You have social skills. If you want to be single then who cares what everyone says. And if you don’t want to be single, start networking. A lot of people assume that the only way to be happy is by having a life partner, perhaps for them but it’s not for everyone. Do what makes you happy.
Agreed, so tired of people expecting me to have some cookie cutter relationship... I like the idea of someone who is there, but I also like the freedom of being single
I have only ever been single. I don't know what being in a romantic relationship is like. Does it affect my self esteem? Not that I'm aware of. If anything, having DID greatly affects that and what one personality will say about me. It comes from me, and you, yourself are often your most harsh judge. This is especially true with me. I do also lack social skills in the way of actually approaching others. I can hold a conversation quite well however I have next to little interest to randomly speak to strangers. I'm not fond of mingling and I feel better by myself than around a group of people I don't know.
To me it's a type of freedom. I don't mean that I have something against being with someone, because I definitely don't. I mean that I like the freedom of not "needing" someone. I see a lot of people who absolutely need someone, and I'm glad I'm not like that. If I had to be with someone to make me whole, I would feel like a slave to it.
Yea, I know a lot of people think I have something lacking. They just can't understand someone who really is OK with being single. These are often the kind of people who love playing match maker. They just can't accept that I'm fine being single.
I believe I can gain self-esteem from somewhere else apart from having a relationship. If I live my life to help others, the society, sharing knowledge to young generation, it should be fine.
My life is always like that, single but there are other things to do. It had been okay for 15 years until one day when I started to realize that no single man has ever approached me and asked if I could be his SO. On the other hand, there are only non single men who keep coming. It's obvious what they want. From then on I need to figure it out what is wrong with me...
it can do yes, but in the same respect being in a toxic relationship can also do damage...
i have also noticed though doing long term relationships, as i refuse to sleep around, and won't do friends with benefits, ONS etc so it is either committed or nothing, when you become available again, you lose track of how to go about the whole meeting someone new, and the whole dating process in general... and it is this that can lower your view of yourself as you will meet a lot of people who are out there purely for 1 thing and they won't respect your unwillingness to have hookups or do things which aren't of interest or that go against what you prefer and many of those will point out how worthless you are, it is worth noting though... no one is worthless and if you are to someone then they aren't the right people to be around
Yes. I am 19 and I have never once been in a serious relationship or a relationship at all that lasted longer than a week. I've always been the one who told my friends not to worry if they didn't have a boyfriend because we're young and have plenty of time for that. As I see more people in my age group getting married, getting into serious relationships, and having kids, I am starting to get insecure. I still have hope I'll find someone but I'm getting worried, mostly that I won't find anyone before my 20s are up because I would like to be married and begin having children by 30
I know some wonderful people who have been single for years. It doesn't seem to effect their self esteem, and there is no reason for it to effect it. Getting into a relationship with someone who you would rather not be in a relationship with, doesn't improve your self esteem. Many single people simply chose to be single, for a variety of valid reasons.
It does, just a little; I've never dated anyone in my entire life. But I don't let it bother me too much, because part of it is just my decision. If it's not the right person then I just won't date them, because I don't date for fun. I want to get married and the only reason I would have a relationship with someone is if I could see us together for the rest of our lives. I'm still really young, so it's not really a problem yet. But I do get a little bothered sometimes when I see other people in relationships and I realize that I'm still alone.
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