How can I attract a bougie guy?

[Anonymous]

“Bougie” in this case meaning classy, educated, and earning an average or above average salary.

I only seem to attract low-class men who are work minimum wage jobs.

Updates

+1 y

For the record, I have a master’s and make close to six figures, which is why I want to date someone in a similar status. I could understand the criticism of me being “shallow” more if I only had a GED and worked a a waitress at a local diner. People tend to gravitate towards people whom they share a common background and socioeconomic status with. Why is that so wrong?

Updates

+1 y

For the record, I’m using “bougie” as sarcasm. My culture would consider these standards “bougie”.

Rather than criticizing my “shallowness” for simply wanting to date someone with a similar lifestyle and mindset, please answer the question.

For the person who told me, maybe I just think that I’m high-class. Never said that. However ever, I do carry myself with a certain level of decorum and would rather not be in a relationship with someone who is ghetto or trashy.

[PlacentaSalad]

I don't particularly understand why his education or salary also demands he be the one initiating a greeting. Your own status proves that you are a woman who is independent and who doesn't need to rely upon anybody for anything. Unless you can describe yourself as a traditional woman (your education and salary doesn't indicate such) then it is unfair for you to simply just show up while looking pretty and sit there waiting for men to act traditionally by approaching and courting you instead. These are not roles that are exclusive to men anymore and women cannot expect it to happen all the time even if it does sometimes. While I don't believe you are shallow for your standards, only specific men can really satisfy your desire and instead of hoping he notices you or trying to find ways to ensure he does, you should make more effort instead.

I believe the problem many women have is that they refuse or are unwilling to make the first move. Making the first move doesn't mean returning a gaze or putting on makeup either, it means approaching a male who interests you and offering conversation. From one of your responses, it seems you frequent areas where you can commonly find these men and are waiting for them. Logically, you know to try something else since they are not approaching you but what more can you really do to get quicker results than to simply go to him? Are you going to change your hairstyle or something instead? There's not much else to do.

If you play something like tennis, ask to 'spar' with some dude, or whatever the tennis lingo would be, to take that first step. You also have to remember that plenty of men, even relating to your socioeconomic status, may not put such an importance on your education and salary as you do so you definitely don't need to say "Hey, I have a master's degree but they never taught me how to play tennis in college so how about it?" A lot of people don't realize that they are doing or saying something that turns other people off even if there is a lot in common, not that you are but it's always something to consider as a possibility. In your case, we don't really know.

[MannMitAntworten]

I know a few women who call me “bougie”. Although always said with a cutesy smile, I do detect a hint of criticism in their utterance. Shat strikes me is this bizarre necessity those same individuals have at pointing out they came or have nothing. I coined a phrase for this calling it, “poverty pride”. I enjoy my little fineries in life. I really don’t need to be told I am haute in so many words followed by their braggadocious poverty woes. It has this paradoxical sense of being insecure and prideful all at the same time. Meanwhile, I am sitting quietly to myself enjoy my glass of wine or whatever but it is seeing some article of finery with me that this necessity of their’s to express my being, “bourgeoisie”. It is always women. Why?


No, I get where you are coming from. I also read your attempt at dating older. That works best if you are both at the same points in your lives... which quite frankly can be said about any meaningful pursuit. My recent ex was 26. We were briefly on the same page till she decided that she needed to be single a few more years. I get it, reaching one’s 30’s and still single gets awfully damn difficult to meet someone who doesn’t have ex-spouses and a children you then must work around. Loose translating, little time for you, ‘too’. It’s hard... I truly get it. It took 17 years to happen upon the recent ex. It took that long to meet someone worth while calling, “girlfriend”. The legitimate, “One”. C’est la vie...

[Anonymous]

go for guys that have always had a job history. i used to date guys who had degrees and super smarts but they never ended up making much money. now im engaged to a guy whos never not had a job. since he was 17 and dropped out of school he's only ever had 3 days of being unemployed. he's an extreemly hard worker and he's charismatic. the kind of guy that other people flock to. this makes him extreemly attractive to hire. natural confidence in his skills (different to cockiness). he's extreemly honest and down to earth with his employers. he's only just now in the last few years (early 30s ) found a job that pays 100k a year. by the way we were involved before he got this job.

when we got together i was looking for someone who wanted to get serious about life and have a career and a family and had traditional values. this was him in his early 30s

. look for an older man than your age who wants a serious career. has the drive to get it and the confidence. u want the guy who can bark at idiots and then can actually knock them out when they come flying at him.

[lovedejj_xo]

I have a masters degree as well and with time I can make 6 figures if I go into private practice.
Boujee is pretty much middle class (Nothing wrong with that). Anyways I suggest looking for well mannered guys that treat you right, but aren't completely broke. My Ex was an engineer and made 6 figures and my friends were actually mad that I broke up with him since “he had status”. I don't know about that he was a dick. Money can’t buy happiness. My current boyfriend is actually not who I would have dated at all if I had the same mindset from 20-21. He didn’t go to college and makes wayyyy more than me still, he also treats me well. So don’t judge a book by its cover.

[Asker]

Thanks for your opinion! I’ll keep this mind.

[lovedejj_xo]

No problem

[Barfyman362]

I’m not sure how you present yourself, but I notice women today make less and less effort in their appearance when going out to try and meet men. For “girls night” they will always dress to the nines, but if you and a friend are going out to meet men, you’ll usually be more casual. I would say you should take out one of your girl friends, get dressed really nice but also somewhat modest and go to a nice place like a steakhouse downtown or near a professional part of town. Two well dressed women can easily approach 2-3 nice looking men and strike up a conversation and get some drinks bought. More than 2 women is a chaotic crowd and can be loud and off-putting. I’d also recommend learning to drink bourbon, scotch, or another manly drink and and reading up on it a bit, this will give you something to talk about and make you stand out to them as sophisticated. A “Bougie” guy is also probably more of a gentleman and not as forthcoming as some of the working class guys you say that you attract. Additionally, these guys are smart and can sense that you’re sizing them up from a mile away. So I would recommend that you approach them first and try not to talk about money or work aside from just small talk. If you seem too interested in money or titles then they’ll think you’re after money, even though you have plenty yourself. Finally, keep a classy composure unless the context permits a looser vibe. Many times I have met classy women out on the town and we decide to go to another place to let loose and dance a bit, then they show that they can carry themselves in any setting which is very attractive. Classy men do not want a crazy liability as their arm candy to professional dinners or functions, but they also want a woman who can let loose at the appropriate time and place.

[Anpu23]

There are a number of factors at play.
First, understand that I am an entrepreneur. I've been quite wealthy in the padt. Lost the business, and am currently working on a set of new business ventures. I have many friends and associates who are business owners and some who are quite wealthy. I am currently middle class and am hoping to be able to break back into a better situation here soon. I also work a full time job, run a company, am either on the board of or an associate of at least 5 other ventures. I also speak well and have a sense of style and flair, am literate, I follow art, music and theater and I enjoy opera. So I believe that I know about the type of men you are looking for. First I can tell you that you are looking in the wrong places. I'm busy, my friends are busy, we don't have time for pretense. When I go out I don't go to the most expensive, I go to the place that's comfortable to me, I have no need to impress, I dress how I want (my wife often says that I dress how many men wish that they could) not how others expect me to. I drive a Smart car and am thinking of importing a Luka EV, when I was at my wealthiest I didn't own a vehicle. My house now is modest in an "up and coming" neighborhood, my home then was a rented townhouse (though I was planning on buying my wife a very nice home for Christmas -this would have been 1994). The men you are seeing are the ones who are trying... The ones who are living above their means trying to impress, the ones who are hoping to catch a woman like you.

[bamesjond0069]

Another girl who needs to be shook! "For the record, I have a master’s and make close to six figures, which is why I want to date someone in a similar status." This is your problem.

Look at my perspective. I don't have a masters but I have 3 bachelors degrees and I make 6 figures self employed. I work about 5 hours a week. I am currently on vacation for 3 weeks with my girlfriend. My girlfriend is an expert chef like food network competitor level. She is young and energetic 10 years younger actually. Works out at the gym hikes bikes swims etc with me all the time. She is a size 0. And she is just the sweetest girl ever.

The fact she doesn't have a masters or have a job at all for that matter has no bearing on if i want to be with her. Everything you're accomplishing is for you, not for men. And thats why men dont care.

Broke men love sugar mamas and thats why you keep attracting them. Men on your level like lets just be stereotypical but bimbo housemaker sorts of girls.

[Anonymous]

There are executive dating services. You could try one of them. I think there is one called “It’s Just Lunch” or something like that.

You could ask work friends to set you up.

You could join a sporting league/association or take lessons. (Golf, tennis, sailing, etc.)

If you prefer the artsy type of guy, sign up for a class on whatever interests you… photography or whatever… or do a high end cooking class. A lot of guys with STEM jobs are avid musicians on the side; try a jazz club with friends.

Anyway, there you have some ideas. Good luck!

[Asker]

Thank you for the idea! I’ve actually just signed up to take tennis lessons, so hopefully I’ve meet someone there.

[Opinion Owner]

Regarding your update: no judgement from me.

[chapawapa]

Soo, I came here and read everything. I agree with you, girl, on a spectrum of things. I am in the same socioeconomic status you and I grew up very poor. I lived in the worse part of town, and my city was voted in the top 10 most dangerous city in America. Anyway. Having come so far and now looking back on the mind set of some people I have grown up with is astonishing. I am comfortable meeting someone who makes 50k and works in a stable career field, but as long as we can have in-depth conversations and he is financially stable. Because I do have a particular lifestyle, I enjoy living, and he needs to keep up. I need someone who is driven, goal-oriented, and ambitious. If not im fine on my own

[dontknow12]

Top 10 in America? What city is that?

[chapawapa]

@dontknow12 to much info to give... But definitely top 10 named by USA today and forbes that I can see online

[Finchie40]

If you are basing love off of wealth and education you are setting yourself up for disaster , it’s ok to be attracted to someone that has a lot of similarities as yourself but to limit yourself to only dating guys that have the particular background you are in for a rude awakening , love shouldn’t be based off of someone’s background or status considering not all jobs last forever. So if you end up meeting a guy that has a good job and you marry him and then he loses his job are you going to divorce him cuz he isn’t making the money he was making before? So to limit yourself to wealth and status you will never really experience true love

[Bananaman177]

I'm sure that you know or at least interact with tons of single guys who fit that bill.

But I'm sure none of them would touch you with a 10 foot pole because look at your attitude and how you judge men.

What you don't understand is that your attitude is not only a red flag and a huge turn-off to men who can't meet your standards, it's also just as disgusting and offensive to men who meet and exceed your standards. They look at you and see the same stuck-up entitled skank that low-class men see when you talk like that.

[lucas262]

Women do not want equals. They want men better than them.

Good for you making your money and having and education.

Im a working class man, and I take offense to the term ,, low,, i stain decks for a living yesterday of which was a 10 hr job.

Money dosnt mean my life isn't worth as much as a millionaires

And I like to educate myself I don't know if I would spend the money to get into debt to go to school to get a job I hated.

in my opinion school teaches you to be a worker and college teaches you to be a specialist but neither teach you to be successful as in getting rich. Most rich people are self made.

I'm sure you didn't mean to insult i just don't like the term.

[Anonymous]

Hang out where those sorts of guys hang out. Cultivate social networks with them. Be comfortable with the sort of stuff they're into. Recognize they may skew towards industries you're not in.

Also I suppose, be the sort of woman they're into. I'm not sure how different that is from what 'low-class men who work minimum wage jobs' are into, but there are some differences in tastes between groups.

[Asker]

I try to do that, frequent restaurants and bars near my corporate park, but the men don’t approach me or seem interested.

[Opinion Owner]

Are you trying to date interracially? Are you trying not to date interracially? I think either can involve extra wrinkles.

[Asker]

I’m open to interracial dating as well as dating within my race.

[Opinion Owner]

Are you giving any indication of interest to men in like after work drink bars? Eye contact at a minimum?

[EyesOfGod]

Income is not something that should determine a relationship. But women like you are so materialistic, it makes me sick. We guys don't give a shit what a womans job or education is whats important is the person themselves not their status. by the way more women are graduating college then men now so good luck finding a guy with your level of education. Im well educated but i would never date a woman but educated women are the ones i avoid. Also on the lighter side of things if you look like a 4/10 your going to attract a 4/10.

[EyesOfGod]

*date an educated woman. Educated women are

[Jamie05rhs]

Tbh, I kind of take offense at you assuming a guy is ghetto or trashy just because he doesn't make a lot of money.

However, I don't begrudge you wanting to be with someone who is successful. As far as where to find them, why not try the local Bar? (The lawyer kind, not the alcohol kind.)

[Aakash_Hangargi]

Actually every girl does that there is a reason why that works now everything is monetary it always though tbh
It's rare you find that people with diff social equilateral status work they eventually break up because of the following reasons
But the way she expressed it is very degrading lol😂.

1. There would be always ego issues with both of them bc
She would be told proud
2. He will take it to his ego and compare if he is a working man
3. bc women who earn like thing they achieved a lot compared to other women and live in sense of pride that others are beneath them they are competitive bc they develop such things during there commute in office.
4. they will feel they donot need a man bc the primary job is already fulfilled by themselves
5. men would take this to ego bc honestly they would not be able to handle not talking about all but in general.
6. if man earns less than women she looses interest in him thinking his a losser.
7. now we are talking about long term commitments
8. so yeah it's better for long term relationship
9. I do appreciate her for being honest she knows what she wants at least some guy won't be hurt and have heartache after dating if he knows her primary factor was like social status.
10. and also it Is her choice as in what she wants I do hate the way she put it I completely agree with you on that...

[centerline]

its all in who you flirt with and how you flirt... when a girl flirts in a classy way, she attracts classy men, but if she resorts to flirting like a slut, she attracts guys a little lower on the "evolutionary" scale... which doesn't mean we dont like slutty flirty women, but just not as someone we want to plan a life with...

[winterfox10]

You have to hangout at places where established professionals are. Think about places like country clubs, or bars near hospitals and courthouses. It's probably also a good idea to stop using the word "bougie." I went on a date with a captivating lady who used that word, and while we got along great; it felt like a major cultural disconnect.

[EyesOfGod]

Seriously if anyone used that word i would up and leave cause we lived in different worlds. Just like if some actually described themselves as Cis.

[winterfox10]

Exactly; it’s a relatability thing

[blutwolfe]

well... You're not, most women want an educated man, and those get swept up fast, many more women also go to college than men, so it's already a small market in comparison with women of similar mindset. Then there's the fact you have a low class personality which is why you attract low class guys, no guy worth his salt is gonna want someone who's gonna bring him down.

[stargazeraug]

My advice would be to spend your time frequenting places where people on the same socioeconomic tier as yourself tend to congregate. That would afford you the greatest opportunity to meet someone who meets your personal criterion. Where do you generally hang out in your freetime?

[Gwenhwyfar]

Join some social or professional clubs appropriate to your class and occupation. Maybe like a book club or something?

Talk to your college’s alumni association about social events and stuff

[KrakenAttackin]

Men don't care about your level of education and salary (mostly). We are more interested in who you are as a person. From the way you throw out your education and salary you sound like the kind of woman who is more interested in competition than harmony, which is a huge turnoff to men. We have to compete every moment we are at work, who needs that shit at home.

[Asker]

Thank you for your honest feedback. I don’t intend on competing, I just want someone that matches my lifestyle. I’m not trying to brag or one-up anyone.

[chapawapa]

Welp that sucks I hate that mind set. I want my partner to care about my accomplishments in life... sad that men see that as a competition

[KrakenAttackin]

@chapawapa No, you don't understand. Your partner will care about your accomplishments but does not want to have someone who is always deliberately trying to "one up" the other. This is annoying in any type of relationship.

[purplepoppy]

This is the 2nd time today you've mentioned your masters and 6 figure salary. It sounds more like your here to boast. The type of guy your after quite likely finds such behavior distasteful which is why they're ignoring you and you're attracting guys looking for a meal ticket.

[Asker]

If you look in the comments, someone asked what my income and educational level was. It’s not like I go around advertising my accomplishments (which are average at least where I live). Secondly, if I were here just to boast, I wouldn’t do so anonymously.

[COMMODOREII]

Amen sister!!

[jahaims]

This is geared towards the updated part of your question. I would say it is "so wrong" because you are missing out on a lot of good people. People who are struggling or had to struggle tend to have more character. If you make six figures that is plenty to have a family with and let him me a stay at home dad if you want kids.

[yucychan]

Maybe the places where you hang out consists mostly guys whom you normally wouldn't be attracted to?
I get what you are saying. We all tend to look for someone with at least some level of a common background.