How do you weed out time wasters online?

[Laura1986]

Hi all, how do you know when somebody is wasting your time early on in the dating stages and what should you do about it? Im finding in near impossible at the moment to get a date, even a virtual one! All men appear to want to do is chat online without ever taking it to the next level. There are also men who initiate conversation and then disappear for days on end, sometimes for a week. I'm not sure how to handle those kind of men. Should I just assume that life got busy for them and reply normally only to then have them disappear on me again? Im scratching my head here because I dont want to overreact but also not hearing from someone within one or two days, especially at such early stages (later on when things are more established this would be fine for me) is confusing for me and I dont know how to handle it. Any suggestions please? Thanks

[Anonymous]

I get the same from women as a guy and for me, it's just that. You get to know these "signs". For example I've wrote a nice fairly long message before telling her about myself and asking some questions about her, and I'll get a reply back and it's a sort sentence at best, that maybe answers 1 question, that's it. Doesn't ask me anything and no effort at all to carry on the conversation... that's my first sign. And if I'm always the one messaging them, and they never do first, that's the next sign. No effort at all on their part.

But there are a couple of other possibilities. It is possible for example the few days in between that he's got busy and forgot about you completely, especially if you've had limited conversation and especially if you haven't emailed him (like if you are waiting for him to you first?)? It's also very possible if he hasn't heard from you, that he thinks you are no longer interested. Sadly when there's no communication, people tend to make assumptions, especially early on. However if you have messaged him and he's several days, that's different and I'd take it as disinterest.

Also you talk about guys not wanting to take it to the next level, but how so exactly? What I mean is are you sure they don't want to? Example again if there's lack of communication and assumptions are made. Like if you think he doesn't because he hasn't suggested a date, that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to. He may think you're not ready yet for example. Or like women, every guy is different as well and may need time to get to know you a bit first online before a first date, even a virtual one. But yes if you're sure they have no intention of it, then that's different and yes, disinterest I'd say. Sadly I think it's also the nature of online dating. I think very few take it seriously at all, men or women. Which is sad because I think on paper it's a great way to meet people.

[Laura1986]

Thanks for your detailed reply. I did hear back from the guy after a couple of days but by that point I was pretty suspicious. I had sent the last message with several questions in it and didn't want to chase by sending another message. I always feel it's a bad thing to do because it's sending the message that I am willing to put in the effort that he isn't putting in and then the other person becomes even more lazy. I think that the problem may be, as you say, that I take online dating more seriously than others. I genuinely would like to meet someone and maybe others aren't as bothered and just see it as a bit of a distraction when they are bored!

[Laura1986]

As for the taking it to another level, I me a the times when I have said that I would like to meet but the other person has just agreed but with no further action. I feel uncomfortable making all the moves tbh. I've had it quite a bit recently where men expect me to come to them and they say something like "let's meet next time you are in my area". I just find that really lazy and presumptuous. These are men who have approached me first by the way.

[Aethereal]

When I was on online dating sites, these are the rules I imposed on myself:
- No lies, provide details of important things (like deal breakers). This way, people I message can read my profile and have a good idea of what to expect from me in the long-term. Don't expect serious people to take you seriously if your profile is empty or lacks relevant details.

- Do not tolerate laziness. If you start chatting and she gives 1-word/sentence replies, doesn't ask questions, or delays more than a day in replying, move on. This is dating with intention of a serious relationship. If they aren't excited to chat with you, or to take 10-15 minutes of a 24 hour day to write a message, I doubt I'd want a relationship with someone like that.

- Accept the fact that you are just an option until you take communication out of the site. I think this is more relevant for guys. Girls are usually the ones having to wade through hundreds of messages online.

In your case, I think the 2nd point is most relevant. Don't tolerate laziness. It's probably a waste of time as well if you don't hear back fast enough and they don't apologize. No one is ever too busy, if they care, they will make time for you.

[perfectchaos]

I agree with everything but I want to put something about the lazy point. I warn girls of this on purpose but my job ask to me to do 12 hour shift for fourteen days straight for twice a year. By week two I don't want to talk to anyone and we all get very irritable because we are so tired. So that one needs a not that life can get in the way and could be less of laziness and more of becoming very irritable.

[Aethereal]

@perfectchaos I agree that life will sometimes throw inconveniences our way, and so it's not always about laziness. But I still think a short message wouldn't hurt, or your method of giving advance warning. No explanation just has the effect of forcing the other person to make an assumption (probably wrong) based on the information they have.

[perfectchaos]

Yeah one did not believe. We usually have parking lot fights breaking out by day 9.

[Gwenhwyfar]

Don’t just talk to one guy

Weed out any guy who gets sexual too soon

[Laura1986]

Thanks, J dont just talk to one guy but they all seem to fall by the wayside. For example, I was chatting to three guys a few days ago and I now I'm not talking to any! One I binned because he wasn't stepping up and asking me out despite me mentioning it several times over 10/11 days. And the other two have just disappeared a few days ago. But that is part of my question: have they disappeared or has life just got busy and I shouldn't read too much into it? I just seems too early to me to disappear on somebody without them coming to the conclusion that I'm not that interested and if I liked someone I wouldn't take that chance.

[Gwenhwyfar]

I don't know tbh. That seems really weird. But if a week goes by and you don’t hear from a guy he’s probably ghosted you.

[Laura1986]

I've had several come back after a week as if nothing had happened. Has this not ever happened to you?

[Gwenhwyfar]

No but I haven’t tried dating apps in a long time. Good luck. I think my advice is sound. Eventually you’ll find a guy who wants to meet in person and isn’t satisfied just jerking off.

[coolbreeze]

The guys seem busy and maybe don't want to seem desperate. Also it's very easy to run out of things to talk about so keeping the conversation going can be tough

[Massageman]

Don't take their replies, or lack thereof, personally. That is just the way guys are. Most of them live for the moment and may not realize that there is a result for the worse when they run hot and cold when communicating.

[es20490446e]

By doing something useful instead.

What's the simplest thing that would improve the current situation the most?

[Laura1986]

What, do you mean focus on something else? I would if I could just work out what my boundaries are lol. If I was dating someone I wouldn't expect daily communication but it just seems that at the very early stages you are taking a risk of going silent for several days and I'm not sure if it's a good sign of things to come. What do you reckon?

[es20490446e]

What I do is answering all serious communications twice a day.

[Anonymous]

Girls doing the same shit to me... its like if I ignore em, they dbl text, but if I get back in a timely manner they ignore me for days on end. Its just dopamine farming for em

[In_Trance]

Read their opinions and look at the shit they post

[mrgspoter]

Wow women are exactly the same so weird

[amg87]

With agressive threathibg and hacking

[Silvius]

I will chat with you every day, i promise