How do you work on self confidence when you're insecure most of the time?

[jadesensei]

Doubting your value and wonder if you're special in the eyes of your man.

[MCheetah]

Ooh! I know this one!

To gain confidence, you have to win thousands of small victories first. I hate to bring up Jordan Peterson (not that I dislike him or anything; but he's kind of become a meme at this point), but he has that infamous quote of "Clean your room." What this actually means, beyond the meme-factor, is 'how are you going to worry about the world when you can't even take care of your own home first? If you're lost and confused, well, first thing you can do is clean your room.' And he's kinda right.

I've read a LOT on this stuff. I'm currently in the process of it all and the ugly truth is, it will take YEARS before you even start to see some progress. But, yo gain true inner confidence, you need to start gaining reasons WHY you should be confident. You see, there are two kinds of confidence. While they have official names; I'll just refer to one as "Bullsh*t Confidence." Things like being tall, being good looking, being rich, etc. External and superficial, and often times, things you didn't have to work much to achieve. But then there's "True Confidence." And that is innate, deep within you, and can NEVER be taken away.

Now, truthfully, I don't even like the word "confidence." So many jackasses have used it nowadays to describe themselves, I feel like the word is tainted. And the way women use it to refer to conceited asshole men they like... There's a million different ways to define such a word. But I define it more as "The believe you can get something done well." I personally use words like "trust" and "experience." And my own range of things varies a lot. I TRUST I can write an amazing screenplay or script. Or that I can hold a two hour seminar to a thousand people speaking on stage and not have a single issue (I'm a misanthrope; so I don't care what people think of me or have social anxiety or fears.) But when it comes to getting women? No, my resume is very very low on that regard.

The shortcut to gaining confidence the easiest way, is to build a "resume" of successes. And the key is, THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE BIG SUCCESSES! Literally anything! You can say "Today, I want an ice cream cone!" And you go out and you get an ice cream cone! Now, mark it down on your calendar! RECORD EVERY SUCCESS YOU MAKE! Your mind can have one hell of a talent of downplaying your successes and ramping up your failures. We can sometimes be our own worst enemy!

So, the TL;DR is, to start small and start achieving personal victories every single day. Nothing is too small. Set a goal, and achieve it. Do it every day. Soon, it'll literally change your entire brain chemistry.

You'll start feeling like a small winner each day. You'll treat yourself and be good to yourself because you'll have a wall of personal trophies you achieved through several weeks or months. And above all else, know that IT TAKES TIME! It takes a hell of a long time! I'm only in my second or third year of turning my life around.

[MCheetah]

*"The belief you can get something done well."

[jadesensei]

Dear Lord, that hits deep deep.

That's inspiring. It takes a lot of time indeed but this is exactly the kind of self confidence I'm focusing at. If you have any references, books, lecturer please do share !

[Lynx122]

A big step to being confident is knowing yourself. First try and accept yourself and love yourself and that includes the parts you're not aware of so you need to have an open mind. Often we have some kind of unconscious prejudice or just a certain idea of how things "should be" and the parts of us that go against those ideas will not come out freely because we ourselves believe they are wrong or inferior in some way. These ideas can often come from parents or other places in our environment when we were growing up and we internalized them.

When we open our minds and are accepting it's easier for those parts of us to come to the surface and we realize they're just like every other part of us we just suppressed it without knowing it. And the more you dig around and understand yourself better ( there can also be other kinds of issues like past traumas or other insecurities) the easier it is to be relaxed and happy with who you are.

In the beginning we don't know ourselves well and we feel like we have to be good at everything and we see all the areas where we're failing and it can cause a lot of stress and doubt. But the more we know ourselves the easier it is to say this is not my thing I suck at this and just be fine with it because you know who you are and what you want to work on and everything else is not our concern.

In a relationship I assume it's similar you have to know who you are and how you love someone and once you know that you just have to find the right person to be with and you don't have to doubt yourself.

That's how I see it and how I experienced it myself. Most of our insecurities come from when we think we have to be something we're not.

[jadesensei]

That's really an interesting view. I should write a diary you motivated me !

[Lynx122]

That's good to hear! Hope it works for you :)

[Anonymous]

Why do you care what others think about you? It is not their fault in what they think, it is because you are different from others that's why you get noticed more and obviously if you would look at something unusual you will laugh/sympathize/some other feeling, that is human tendency which cannot be changed. So you need to change your thinking and trust me everything else will fix on its own. Imagine if you see a 2 feet tall man/woman will you not talk about them or laugh at them or sympathize with them and not because you feel they are ugly or something but because you find them different. THIS IS HUMAN NATURE!

You know I am only 4'6" tall, introvert and my way of thinking is very different from others. Everyone in school/college/workplace used to stare at me as if I am an alien, my own family sympathizes with me till date, but I never minded it because I knew I was different from others. And with time people around me learnt to accept me the way I am. I was always thankful for what I have, I was thankful that at least I have a normal body with no deformity.
My confidence, intelligence, and positive attitude helped me everywhere. People around me want to have confidence like me.

A human mind has 10000 to 50000 thoughts per day, do you think people around you keep thinking how you look, how you behave, how many times you blink your eyelids? NO not at all they have so much more to worry about. Just chill and accept yourself, the day you will learn to accept yourself your self confidence will automatically boost up. Love yourself, have a good heart, be a nice human being nothing else matters in the end.

[Opinion Owner]

Tell me what bothers you I will help you

[Opinion Owner]

The man who loves will accept you the way you are and will be there for you you no matter what. And if no loves you then be independent, enjoy life, love yourself and be happy.

[jadesensei]

I like your comment. Being different attracts attention indeed.

Trust me when you survive a toxic environment, some people even with a million tought a day would still gossip and stab you in the back.

My insecurities are an accumulation of events and memories that I was digging inside. It became part of my personnality, increased my sensitivity and even turned out in reflexes and self defense mechanisms.

My point is to get out of there and be at peace. Carrying a load can be tiring inconsciously and trying to find a harmony in your couple is sometimes a real struggle.

In between expectations, deceptions and realizing that not everyone has the same heart as you can hurt but make you grow.

I'm trying to find the right tempo in my life and adjustements. I believe that loving yourself is sometimes the heardest part. And that's also the key to accept and welcome it from your loved ones :)

[SphynxUK]

Whether you think it or not, you are enough. We all are.
If you have a partner, he’s lucky to have you.
If he cheats, that’s on him, not you. Remember that. Then move your fabulous self to someone who’s worthy.

Anyone who makes us feel otherwise, doesn’t deserve our attention.

[jadesensei]

Gem !

[coachTanthony]

------You are probably insecure because you give a shit about what others think! Once you stop caring about other's opinion, then you can start valuing your own.

[jadesensei]

That's right but when it comes to your surrounding it's a bit harder. Since forever I had many criticizes : "You look tired !", "You took some weight". Some girls I considered as friends even told me : "you're not that pretty", "your sister is so much prettier" and so on.

I could let it pass and build myself up but then I realized that it all came out in my relationship. It's been one year and I still am scared of tomorrow. Scared of not being enough, scared of not being able to keep a man just with who I am.

Maybe also because he is not praising me as I would want to. When I see him smile to other girls, admire them or just look at them, it hits back lol. I just smile or take a bit of distance but in the long run, I really would like to like myself to the point of all of this would be obsolete for me.

[coachTanthony]

Talk to your partner about love languages and find out each others and use them daily. If he’s not willing to reassure you as you build your self confidence then he ain’t the one ! Communication in any relationship is key! You aren’t the only one dealing with traumas... we all have them so you need to communicate that with him and yourself !

[jadesensei]

I would add communication and timing. I'm communicating with him on this but his timing and tact are not up to date lol.

My inner work is far more important and thank you for emphasizing I'm not the only one :)

[DrunkAss]

There's confidence in the sense like you don't think you can fail and the other type where you're not afraid to fail. There's the type where you go, mirror, mirror, and think you're the fairest and the other type where you don't really mind if you aren't. I think the second way is much more robust.

[DrunkAss]

Like body-positivity. That's such a Western thing. I don't think people need body-positivty so much as body acceptance. I don't need gymnastics-positivity. I can't even do a backflip. I just accept that I can't and I'm okay with that (and maybe I can work on that if I really care enough).

[jadesensei]

Completely agree. Accepting failures is also a further step. I was being said one time :treat yourself as you would treat a friend. I'm working on it :)

[Xitomyth]

Stop caring what other's think is a good start. Do things that challenge you, when yo succeed you'll get a confidence boost. Look other's in your life and how they turned out, did they fail at life or did they outdo you all? Focus on what you can do not what you can't do. Play to your strengths not your weaknesses. Get out of you comfort zone and try new things. You'd be surprised what you can do and may even begin to gain confidence. That's what I did.

[jadesensei]

This made me smile. I had lots of hobbies that I didn't pursue, also because some people told me that I won't succeed. Maybe it's time to get back to it and try new things. I know that small successes give me a boost. I should indeed challenge myself and close myself to negativity.

[Xitomyth]

Go for it! However, you fail at something, at some point, everyone does, it's rally only a failure if you learn nothing form the experience. Having said that, you'll do fine. Just do some research first to make sure it's something you can do and might like, like don't sign up for the X-games on day one lol. Take it in stride, I tried scuba diving a few years back and love it, I'm bad at it, but it was great, I ended up not finishing the course due to getting sick and having other obligations at the time. Keep trying and you'll get there :)

[David92506]

In addition to learning self-improvement material and/or seeing a therapist, you may want to consider living a meditative and mindful lifestyle. Or take up yoga. The side effects or rippling effect of it is phenomenal and helps a person become self-confident.

[SavageGirl101]

Why do y’all still care about what a guy thinks about you? that’s why you’re insecure it doesn’t matter what they think... the only thing that matters is what u think about yourself

[jadesensei]

That's exactly the point.

[SavageGirl101]

Thnx sis😌

[Anonymous]

The most straight forward way is to accomplish things. The more you accomplish the better your self esteem will be. You might also need medicine if you are too emotionally fragile to make progress.

Start small
Say hi to one person
Then say hi to one guy
Then strike up a convo with one person (about anything, the weather..._
Then strike up a convo with one guy (about anything, the weather..._
Make a platonic friend
Do something with them (not a romantic date just something as friends...
You can repeat any of these as often as it takes for you to realize that you are valuable and people will like you
...
Ask a guy for his number. You dont have to call it though
Ask a guy for his number and then call it, just to talk, no dating
Ask a guy for his number, talk and then ask if he wants to do something as friends
...

[Iron_Man]

Eat really healthy go to a gym and get a lot of exercise in It will build your confidence and shape your body in the gym. Go to a good church

[jadesensei]

Shaping my body could help I need to be more healthier thats definite. Spirituality brings me more joy and hope thats for sure.

[Iron_Man]

Pray to the Lord Jesus Christ

[R3DthatDude]

This is one of my weaknesses. My job is making me a leader which requires a lot of confidence. I find that doing what you fear to do is the only way to overcome that fear. I lack confidence so I put myself in situations where I must show confidence for example giving a short class or presentation to my work mates on new stuff

[jadesensei]

I get you. I'm thankful for that : in my job I know my worth and what I can do. If it's a failure I learn, and in the process I always rewire my intentions. The lack of self confidence is more in my private sphere not in the professional one as I learned to back myself up in the second one. The process of building it up and healing is different for both.

I agree with confronting your fear. I would say even if you make mistakes that's still growing and polishing your future self.

[Chimeguy]

Biggest thing I can think of here is to stay the heck off of social media. It’s all fake anyhow and does nothing positive to improve your life. It sets up unrealistic expectations for you

[jadesensei]

Period.

[Chimeguy]

Whatever you are going through I hope you can work through it. I wish you the best.

[jadesensei]

Thank you ! I wish you the best too ! Big ups !

[makriks]

One step at time. I think writing about it is a brave step, talking about it with a therapist, life coach or with some friend might be an option

[jadesensei]

A life coach and therapist would be the best investment actually.

[Anonymous]

Good question, and women "expect" us to be confident lol.

But it very much depends on your situation and relationship. How does he treat you? Does he treat you like you're special to him? Is it him, or your insecurities? If it's serious enough, maybe counselling is needed?

[Anonymous]

Well if you're a woman you fish for compliments i hope people aren't brutal.
If you're a guy... well, you s*** out of luck. You better just have a tough skin
Cause nobody cares if you have confidence. Guys see an easy target. And women see a wretch to despise or pity.

[abhi00007]

I do lack self confidence but still i am working on it

[jadesensei]

Especially in those times !

[abhi00007]

On Which times

[slatyb]

Does he make you feel valued, or reinforce your insecurity?

[jadesensei]

It's not always black or white. I'm extremely sensitive too.

[simsx]

If you wouldn't mind, could you just take a look at my recent ask and maybe drop an opinion :)

[jadesensei]

I will :)

[JamieLoves]

Make up your mind that you’re a good , deserving person. Don’t care about anything others think or say about you..
Who the hell are they anyway? Nobodies!

[Ninjazzed]

I don’t need a man to feel validated.

[jadesensei]

Nah it's not a matter of being needy here, but building your inner self and swipe left on negativity and expectations. That's an inner work and it pops out more in a relationship.

[Ninjazzed]

Indeed

[In_Trance]

you need to study and practice mindfulness and gratitude

[jadesensei]

You have no idea lol

[Shy_Steve]

I have been wandering that aswell.

[jadesensei]

And I hope you will find your answer too.

[ASbutProud1998]

For me, this is a valid question that I would love to ask, but I would be to afraid to do so. Lol.