Have you ever lost interest in someone simply because you felt like they were "doing too much"?

[beebella]

Inspired by this old ass song that's been stuck in my head for the past couple days. 😭

Yeah, I have

Nah, I haven't

I've never been interested in anyone

[sabotage22]

I sometimes get the feeling that someone lost interest in me, because I did too much. Like I was trying too hard, offering alternatives if they don't feel like doing what we were supposed to do on a date, reciprocating small funny gifts from them with different small funny gifts... But it is honestly not me trying too hard. I am actually like that. When my yunger sister needs help with moving, I will drive 250 miles to help her move. Yeah, I will combine it with some vacation in the area and then help her move, but I will do it.
If my coworker/friend tells me: "hey, you understand this stuff and know where to buy it. My husband wants me to go buy him this small and cheap climbing equipment." I am like "Yeah sure, I know wher you can get it and will actually be in the mall today where there is a store with it. I can get it for you, since it is too far away for you" (if it is true, that I will actually be there).
But somehow, caring and being helpful is considered like too much effort.

[Anonymous]

Not sure what you mean by doing "too much". But I've spent the last couple decades busting my ass stacking paper. I didn't even know till just recently there's a name for it. "F. I. R. E." Financial Independence Retire Early. I've never been a very materialistic person. And most women are. Most women search out the guy with the most swag because she figures he can give that to her. So if my future has a woman in it it'll be with a woman the views the future the same way I do. An early relaxing retirement.

[CrazyGirl2]

I think they meant “doing too much to gain our attention” you know? Working too hard at it vs. working too hard!

[Opinion Owner]

@CrazyGirl2 oh, thanks lol. I guess I can see how a woman might take that women are generally more fickle like that. "Do more"! "Well now you're doing too much". Honestly I may or may not influence what I think but either way I would appreciate the effort.

[CrazyGirl2]

Yeah! Attraction is like a magic formula… if you don’t put just enough of everything you need into the mixture you, you don’t get the magic you wanted! Regardless of whether you put too much, or too little the result is the same… No magic! That’s how it is with attraction. If you get a guy just doing too much, it can be a huge turn-off. It’s like he is just trying too hard. It always makes me wonder why he appears so desperate to gain my affection? Nothing in life smells worse that desperation on a guy who is obviously interested in you. With some guys, it truly is like the desperation is just dripping off them!

[kmg9150]

Yet look at movies girls idolize growing up. Fairy tale wedding, man goes through great lengths to get her attention, save her, or win her back... But in real life, guy does some sh... like that and he's crazy cops are called and then restraining order... They say and act like its the type of guy they want, but really its not... They appear desperate because you ladies are allowing men to believe that is what you want... dont fight for her love... just dont give damn about it and then shell be so confused why the guy isn't trying to get with her, she start with seeing if she can win his attention now...

[CrazyGirl2]

@kmg9150 You say “the types of movies you watch growing up fairytale wedding, man goes through great lengths to get her attention to save her or win her back…“ Yes, when we were growing up,! We’re not 12-14 year-old little girls anymore! We are allowing you men to believe that is what we want? Life is not a movie! We don’t “make you think” anything… How on earth could we possibly “MAKE“ you think anything, especially when we haven’t met yet? That’s not what we make you think, that’s what you ASSUME! Like I clearly said in my post, “attraction is like a magic formula. You put too much in it’s ruined, you put too little and it’s ruined”, how is that on us? How are women responsible for decent guys not knowing how to ask a woman out, or especially how to treat women once we are on the 1st date? All of those “assholes, bad boys, players, and womanizers” know how to treat women… That’s how they get to go out with us in the first place! Dress nicely, stand up straight, and look us directly in the eye when you ask us out! If we agree to go out with you, don’t spend the date telling us about all the “bitches“, “sluts“, and “golddiggers“ that have mistreated you in the past… You’re on a date with me, make it about me! It’s not that I’M selfish, it is simply that no woman wants to spend an evening listening to a man whine about how he’s been mistreated by all these other women in the past! That doesn’t exactly scream “I am really interested in getting to know you better“!

[kmg9150]

@CrazyGirl2 its not just movies from growing up, there's is a great deal within Romance genre that depicts this behavior. "I just want to meet a nice guy for once"... define nice... Like a guy that sees he made a mistake and trying to correct it comes of as trying to hard. You magic relationship cake is more like a complex circuit board of checks and balances with a chance if self destruct of one dont go right... you talk about guys whining about there exs, Well its better than dating some for years and them telling you how happy and in live with you they are only to be completely the opposite in a matter of a few days with no significant event to have caused it... You complaining about immature boys but can you see why they would talk about how women did them wrong... Im 36 and its still occurring, now I could go I into detail about how much the one tried replacing my role as the father of our son, but surely your can grasp why men would feel a certain way to the opposite sex.

Further more, so you dont want a guy that gives a "flying fuck" whether or not the girl he said he's in love with is no longer in his life. Forget and move on, says a lot about about the girl, hell people stand in line for days to get a good deal on a gaming system during black Friday, I guess that speaks a lot on what kind of love women really want,"Oh my god he was going to take a bullet for me, what a loser, he doesn't even care about his own life why should I want to with a guy that has no self worth or respect?" "Yea girl, you can do better". You all say one thing when its another that your want. Then You get that and it changes again. Have stopped on those guys and said look, stop talking about the ex, would you want to hear that from me? Pay attention to whats here now I the present, if not ill end up in the past and no chance I. The future... nah you prolly just went on listening and then ghosted a guy making him think it was a decent date...

[CrazyGirl2]

@kmg9150 LOL 😂. I did not say even ONE of the things you said I did! “You say…” NO, no I actually didn’t! What I said was like a magic formula (ie very difficult to get just right)
Furthermore, I never once sad that I, or anyone else, expects you to “Not give a flying fuck about…”. What I said was, we don’t want to spend a first date listening to you whining about other women when you are on a date with us (meaning me specifically in this example). Look, clearly someone has hurt you, like a LOT! Maybe you should spend some time getting over that hurt, before you inflict your vitriol on the next unsuspecting woman! One thing women DO expect… if you are asking us out, you are over your last relationship! I think it is only fair for women to expect that when a guy asks us out, he’s not still emotionally entangled with his ex! (Whether they are positive OR negative emotions)! Good luck to you!

[Vegasrunner]

I appreciate you sharing this opinon as I believe there is a ton of value in it. I do have to say that I call B. S a little. Reality is people generally want to think the best of themselves and the "doing to much" in my opinion Is simply an excuse to justify not wanting someone you preceive as a "nice guy" You do however make some valid points, specifically the part about women asking "why he appears desperate to gain my affection" and your desperation description in general. It validates the belief in the importance of men making sure they keep options and maintain an abundance menatality.

[cutiepatootie26]

@kmg9150 Women have things we do, that we sort of all understand but it would be hard for a man to follow because it is seemingly illogical. If I can put it this way, imagine that there is a spectrum of male behavior. On one end of the spectrum is "cold, calculated, unfeeling, unromantic" and on the other end is "desperate for attention, overly-spontaneous, clingy", the attractive potential mate is found somewhere in the middle. The Rom-coms are a lie for women as much as they are for men by the way. They told us that a one-night stand could lead to a loving relationship, that men might leave their attractive girlfriends if you had a good enough personality (lol). Nobody should take their dating cues from rom-coms.

[Frank_theTank999]

@cutiepatootie26 Interesting but frustrating that the dudes on the cold, calculated, unfeeling and unromantic side of the spectrum seem to get more opportunity than those of us toward the other side. First we have to try to get noticed and then dial it back just the right amount, which nobody has a rasp of what level that is. I get it, I think, but it’s an undefined standard and feels like we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

[Vegasrunner]

@Frank_theTank999 Well you're only damed if you do. Do you understand why men who are on the cold calculating side get more women?

[cutiepatootie26]

@Frank_theTank999 I understand what you are saying and I can sympathize. What I will say about the "cold" guys is that many women pick them out of what I call the Mother Theresa drive. This drive has a two-fold reasoning: the first is that women seem to think that the extent to which they can fix a broken guy is proof of their femininity. If you're familiar with Jada Pinkett Smith, you'll see the same sort of behavior with her when she talks about August Alsina and how broken he was, and how she was there to 'fix him' even at the cost of her relationship with her husband. Some women are drawn to broken men like a child is drawn to a bird who broke its wing. The other reason is an expression of the internal competitiveness with other women. Having a cold, unfeeling mate may create a fantasy in a woman that he will only be emotionally available with her, and a love for this kind of man is akin to the way men may want someone with less sexual partners. There is an increased sense that your mate belongs exclusively to you. For women this type of exclusivity seems more valuable than clingyness because the later is perceived as weakness.

What women tend to find after they win the cold, unfeeling guy, is that they feel lonely and unloved. It never develops into the fantasy relationship they envisioned, and relationship won't last. The woman either learns from this experience and changes her type or thinks its a fluke and does the same thing again.

[NicoletteXO]

Yup. Happened this week. It was just overkill. Constant texting, constant checking in. I started to feel smothered. If he'd done the same thing, but about half the frequency, it would have been beautiful and very welcome.

[OlderAndWiser]

Somehow, I have managed to never have that experience, but I have had a few women who were doing too little.

[AmandaYVR]

I think it's not the "too much" that is the problem. It's the disparity of feelings behind one putting out more effort than the other. If two people don't feel similarly, almost equally strong about each other, the effort will wreak.

[Anonymous]

tbh i think i just did too much, he lives in another city and we just saw each other again and i tried to speed up getting to know him and texted maybe in too much detail and i think it repulsed him, also found this online and it makes a lot of sense to me
https://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/reason-men-lose-interest/
So why do guys suddenly lose interest? Is it really out of the blue without cause or provocation? No, there is a reason. The reason it’s so hard to pinpoint and articulate is that it’s extremely subtle.

During the first few dates with a new guy, your vibe is typically pretty laid-back and easygoing. You want to explore the possibilities with him and see what he’s all about. It starts out light and fun, it’s about connecting and enjoying each other’s company.

After a few great dates with a seemingly great guy, most women can’t help but get excited about the possibilities. They think of where the relationship might go and they start to invest in a fantasy future.

When this happens, you are no longer in the here and now, seeing the situation for what it is. Instead, your mind is focusing on what it could be and that’s when it becomes a problem. You become attached to this fantasy future and then you can’t help but stress over it and worry about losing it (even though it’s not something you ever really had!). Then your fears and insecurities rise to the surface and seep into your interactions with him.
You begin interacting with the thoughts in your head rather than with the person in front of you. Rather than trying to learn who he is and what he’s about, you look at his behavior and the things he says as a means to measure how he feels about you… and whether you’re getting closer or further away from your goal of having a relationship with him.

[Jamie05rhs]

Happens to the best of us.

[snowgirl123]

not at all, you only feel that a person is doing too much if you don't like them. at least for me, the more I like someone, the more I feel happy they do all they can for me. look, I speak personally. I could spend all day with my loved one, and could never get tired of being told how they love me, but depends on the person, okay. not everyone is the same. but look, if a person tells you you're doing too much, they most likely don't love you at all, true lovers love doing everything together. no one should be with a person who makes them feel they are doing too much, it means the feeling is not mutual.

[little_bird1]

I don't believe in that bs, if anyone ever used that as a reason they are lying. I believe that they weren't that interested to begin with. Their interest was very low and then even a small mistake can make them running the hills, making it seem like the other person did "too much", like that's the reason they are suddenly turned off. I know that when both are interested in each other, there is no doing "too much" or "too little" because the reciprocation comes naturally, it is simply technically not possible to screw it up with just that.

[confusedperson2002]

I feel like I'm in this exact situation. A guy friend/coworker asked me out and at first, it was nice but he has done TOO much. Buying me a gift and snacks and wanting to be official and saying ILY all in the first week... It's very sweet but it's way too much and too fast. And I even said I wanted to take things slow (since we were friends first).

[Ayanna240]

if you lost interest in someone cuz they had done too much, then its a pretty good indicator that you were never really that interested in the beginning

[AndrewMG]

Possibly... I kinda think I was born in the wrong era... I don't belong in the social media/mobile phone era... I mean what's wrong with not knowing when/how to end a text conversation so just stopping it mid conversation and getting on with my life? I bet Life was much simpler when we relied on carrier pigeon/post/telegrams lol

[Nomina]

or when you'd call and you get the answering machine and just have to wait lol

[AndrewMG]

@Nomina I still can't do answering machines to this day... a phone goes to voice mail I suddenly become a bumbling idiot! lol

[Nomina]

Lol. Then let's go even further back when there wasn't *69 and you can just hang up

[AndrewMG]

@Nomina Sounds like my idea of heaven... I mean clearly I have low expectations of what paradise is, but hey I never said I was perfect lol

[lilyanony1]

They don't do enough. I find a lot of people don't want to put the effort in because they don't know if the persons worthwhile. But that to me either means they're dating too many people or not carefully dating...

[t-8900]

Well said

[lilyanony1]

Thanks @t-8900

[DaveJord]

There is a balance between doing "too much" and "too little". And honestly it not a thin line or hard to measure thing. I personally, when interested in a person would error on the side of doing slightly more than less. If she losses interest then she wasn't really all that interested to begin with. Best to know sooner than later.

[serious]

Yes if the woman tries playing mind games with me, tries to play hard to get and doesn't reply within a reasonable time then of course she will be out of my life and there is no reconsideration on this decision.

Doesn't matter if the woman is just an acquaintance, online here on GAG or otherwise. I have no tolerance for this kind of behavior because I never do this with a woman.

[DizzyDesii]

99% of the time i cut people off. And 99% of the time, it was because they were doing too much

[DonkeyDan]

Yeah, sometimes some people can get way to clingy too fast and it's a real turn off, feels forced and unnatural. Had a couple of those relationships in the past, I like my space and my own time and in very upfront about that too.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I lost interest in a girl I was dating cause she simply lost the class-ring my late maternal grandparents bought me and they paid a lot of money for us kids class-rings I want to purchase a replacement and purchase it on payment plans but it's hard

[hahahmm]

She probably sold it & gave you a sob story.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

@hahahmm I believe so

[hahahmm]

A girl stole my driver's license once. There's some messed up people out there.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

@hahahmm Yes I agree with you that is messed up

[ChrisMaster69]

Too much means turning attraction in to repulsion.

that’s how I find it, it’s a fine line at times.

[magnifique]

i think I overdid it with texts, is there any way to turn it around again? already trying to process he will completely ditch me tbh

[t-8900]

Nope I usually break up if the girl doesn't show enough attention and interest. The more you do for me, the more I'll do for you and I think we'll become closer.

[musicloverr8]

There has to be a healthy balance in the effort that one gives. Sometimes it's annoying and someone's too needy or clingy but then if they're careless it's not good either it also depends on the person and how much you're attracted to them I think

[Anonymous]

Most of the time, I think that if a person is turned off by someone doing too much, there wasn't that much interest there to begin with. In the past, when I've dated guys that wanted to text/talk constantly and it bothered me, the real reason was because I just wasn't that into them. When I met my boyfriend, that all changed. I wanted to hear from him all the time, and I'd be sad if there was a quiet day.

[TheSpaceGnome]

No, her doing too little made me lose interest though.

Not entirely sure of the context, but if she doesn't have the hobbies and talents I have (gaming, drawing, etc.), I lose interest.

[gag2021]

Yes, when they come across as not too interested, or busy with other things, it signals me that they are not interested.

[Nomina]

I've been on both ends of that dilemma. Someone doing too much, my doing too much.

Now it's just "hey, when we have the time.."