What do you think about being yourself instead of being on your best behavior on a first date?

Question

age old gag question. Being yourself here includes not wearing perfume to appear more feminine if perfumes simply don't interest you, fighting for a parking space cuz your vehicle is your babe forever, discussing topics that you've always wanted opinion on, not being afraid of a little argument, turning down a kiss if you don't feel like it, being a nerd / jock if that's what you are, not flattering them etc. It can mean different things for different people. Above are just exaggerated examples.

Citizenkirk · Accepted Answer

I think that trying too hard can be as counterproductive as not trying hard enough. A date might be flattered that you are so willing to pull out all the stops, in order too throw them a good time, and that you think highly enough of them too make a first impression a good one.
However, if you try too hard and your date has had less than wonderful experiences with a person who does everything they can to make the first date perfect, only to lapse into a lethargy of bad habits that they will make virtually herculine efforts to hide from you on the first date impression, which often times results in yo-yo effect of "the harder they try too give you a perfect first impression of themselves the first date, the more likely that that representation of themselves is a work of fiction that will not survive the test of time.
I find that a moderately well behaved, enthusiastic date that is putting in the effort, but not misleading me about who they are, and what kind of a personality they have, is more fun too be around than a live performance of "Who's Line Is It" in an interactive role play improvisational comedy skit that that is your date together, THAT WILL NOT LEAVE YOU LAPHING WHEN YOU MEET THE REAL PERSON BEHIND THE ACT, ON THE SECOND, THIRD, FOURTH, WHENEVER THE REAL PERSON YOU ARE SPENDING TOME GETTING TO KNOW GIVES YOU THE UNPLEASANT WAKE UP CALL OF SHOWING YOU WHO THEY REALLY ARE WHEN THEY MAY NOT BE AS NEAT, TIDY, OR WHATEVER CHARACTER FLAWS AND SHORTCOMINGS, THEY ARE TRYING SO HARD TO CONCEAL DURING THAT FIRST DATE.
In life, moderation is often a better approach too many things, than excess or neglect.

ThatOneGuy247 · Accepted Answer

Be yourself on a date. Authenticity is attractive to women. Women like guys who are real, honest and have self approving masculinity. Rather than trying to impress women and trying to get their validation.

To address your examples:

Wearing perfume will be a turn off for women. Women are attracted to masculinity.

Fighting for a car park isn't a good thing. Sure. Stand up for yourself. But violence or arguing isn't always good. It might show lack of emotional control and pettiness.

Talking about something you've always wanted an opinion on is okay within moderation. It's best to be an independent thinker who has his own opinion.

Being able to disagree is also great if done respectfully. It shows confidence and also you're not seeking other people's validation.

As a man its my job to initiate a kiss. However I have turned down a kiss before on the event I wasn't feeling it.

I don't flatter people too much or try to suck up to them. People pleasing isn't a great idea. I pay compliments where credit is due.

Nomina · Accepted Answer

Being myself and being on my best behavior don't have to be different things. I think it depends a lot on principles. I'm not a perfume person but I don't like body odor, so I still wear deodorant. I like discussing varying topics and even hot button topics but I can do it respectfully.

When it comes to kissing on the first date, for instance, being myself and being on my best behavior go hand in hand. I find it tacky.

There are times when I have dig deep to be on my best behavior with someone, but it isn't necessarily that it's not part of me, just a part that isn't used all that often.

I don't like using being oneself as an excuse to be a jackass. Of course, I can be one, duh. But I can also restrain myself. Interestingly, I want to find someone who doesn't mind, is okay with, accepts (even they don't particularly like it) when I'm being an ass. On anfirst date, I might test the waters a little. Maybe I'll be blunt every now and then to gauge how they react. I don't want to put everything I am on the table right then and there on a first date. I do believe in making yourself a bit of a mystery, leave them intrigued to know more about you but also as a self-protective measure. This testing thing is a way for me to see if - after getting more of each other - I can let out my jackass self too... or whatever other trait I'm keeping close the vest for now.

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

Relationships are work and do take significant effort. So in the long run, it's not like one can just 'be themselves' and be accepted wholly. That just doesn't happen and is not realistic. In order to have any types of relationships that are functional and pleasant (be they with friends, family, colleagues, and lovers) we got to make effort; especially compromising on what we want at any given time.

But all the examples you gave (and I know you said they will vary, person to person) sound perfectly reasonable. A great idea, in fact. Then I could argue that it makes good sense. "This is who I am. What do you think of the way I'm goona be... most of the time?" I think especially guys will appreciate - and desperately want - this. They don't want to have to put on airs. They want to be real, and be accepted. (As long as they're not hypocritical, and expect the other to change more.) If they meet a girl who seems chill, honest, 'real', AND she's not dull, or apathetic, AND she tells him, "You know, I'm into you" (or however she wants to phrase it), he would probably think he hit the jackpot. It's less wasted time, pretending like they're both going to change, when they have no intention of keeping this stuff going.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

When I have a first date and the woman walks in and she is well dressed and has obviously put effort into her appearance, it tells me that she treated this date as sufficiently important to make an effort to make a good impression. And that telegraphs that she has an attitude of wanting to make a good impression and being willing to make an effort to accomplish that goal. To me, that is a plus in my initial evaluation of her as a prospective long term partner.

And if she shows up dressed like she just came in from the garden pulling weeds, that makes an entirely different impression.

I know that the woman who has made an effort doesn't always look like that and, if we are together six months from now, I will be seeing her in worn clothing and no make up. That's okay, because that desire to please her partner will still be there.

TruthBringer · Answer

It's a combination of both. You shouldn't falsely advertise yourself as someone who is constantly on their best behavior and perhaps even doing things that you usually don't even do. At the same time you shouldn't act like you know the person for years. That doesn't mean you shouldn't shy away from topics that you feel are important to you. Because what else is the point of dating? It is to find out if there is compatibility beyond "oh I find that person attractive". In the end both of you deserve to know where the other stands in life and what their belief systems are.

If I go on dates, I don't change who I am. I do make sure my manners are professionalism are on point. At the same time I don't shy away from topic such as family, religion, friendships, etc., simply to find out where they stand in life in terms of these topics and to share my own.

Lliam · Answer

Your examples confuse me. But I'd say that I appreciate women who actually enjoy being women and presenting as feminine. If a girl wasn't excited enough about our date to make herself pretty and put her best foot forward, I'd think she was either not interested or was a slob or a radical type of feminist. I wouldn't ask her out again. I wonder why I would have asked her out in the first place.

I appreciate tasteful, invisible, makeup, well cared for hair and nails, smooth skin, and pretty clothes. When it comes to conversation, we can talk about whatever interests her. No problem at all. I like intelligent, engaging conversation. But her personality will make a big difference in whether or not I am attracted to her.

DiegoO · Answer

That's not the way dating works. If it was, everyone would go with pijamas to a first date, or to a fast food restaurant, instead of a fancy one. Example:

💭It was in the 80s when Bill met his wife Monica. They were two good looking college students. He was in law school, she was studieng history. Both felt a deep attraction for each other. One evening they decided to date, and see how well they matched. Weeks passed, months passed, years passed. From going to fancy restaurants, they started to go to the closest fast food restaurant; from going to the park (having long walks and chats) they stayed home watching movies and shows; from been fit: they gain some pounds. In the end, Bill and Monica stayed together, why? Because even though they were only pretending to like going to fancy restaurants, or going to the park, or been fit, etc, the two of them show something important in dating: a full interest in positively impressing the other.

BossThe2nd · Answer

Sounds good, doesn't work.
For the reason that the ideal partner for you may not actually find you ideal at all.

What you are and what you prefer may not match, leaving you with either the option to tailor yourself to your preferred partner's preferences or to appeal to someone who doesn't quite appeal to you.

The idea that you will be just yourself and attract someone who is a perfect match for you stands on a flawed and unrealistic basis that doesn't necessarily reflect the reality, preferences don't work that way.

sensible27 · Answer

Sure,. Yes. Doesn't best behavior mean being yourself? If not, wouldn't you wanna try and adopt things you consider "better".. even then I'd be with you on discussing topics you've always wanted to discuss because that's what a date seems to be about.

t-8900 · Answer

Being yourself had nothing to do with what you wear. It has to do with breaking the allure and showing who you are as a person. But you should always dress and smell your best on a date. I'm putting my best foot forward. Maybe she really out does me, women usually do. But it's about putting your best foot forward. That way you reflect the right mindset for going into a relationship in the first place.

Sugiyamasama · Answer

I think you should definitely be yourself at all times but maybe tone it down a bit if you know you can be a bit much. I know for a lot of people I'm brutally honest and have a rough sense of humor. Thats just how I grew up and how i delt with my personal problems. However, I understand that not everyone likes that and that when first meeting someone it might be a lot to take in. I'll slide some of that humor and how I really am into a first date to test the waters to see if its gonna work but I dont go full throttle until I'm confident in the chemistry between me and the other person. Also if you dont feel comfortable with kissing on the first date thats COMPLETELY FINE. Even I had to tell some girls to "back up" before after only knowing me for all of 15 minutes

Kiss_Me · Answer

ALWAYS be yourself. If not, you are being fake to impress your date. If the person like you... cool, if not... no problem. Just move on.

Your function on a first date is to see if they actually want to see you for a second. Their purpose is the EXACT SAME THING !!! They are there to see if you actually want a second date.

MotorcycleMan · Answer

You might be a bit nicer version of yourself, but I don't see any reason not to be yourself. After all, if you're interested in a partner, you're trying to see if they are compatible. They will be doing the same. How will they know if you're hiding who you are? It's not a contest to win, it's simply an exploration.

ohshee · Answer

For me this is what friends with benefits Has thought me. Is that I can be myself I noticed when in a relationship I was still me but I was conservative and would only let people in so far with a friends with benefit it's wide open I am totally 100% mean and I enjoy that more than a relationship so that's what I'm looking for now that's why I'm still single is because I don't want to hold back I want to be 100% me

lilyanony1 · Answer

I'm always myself... I don't see any point in pretending.
If you don't like me for who I am least we know straight away.
I'd hate to pretend and then have a situation whereby we kinda start a life together and he's not really who he pretended to be or I pretended.
That's not cool. I know people do it so they can have a partner but you actually set yourself up for failure. You're just kidding yourself

snowgirl123 · Answer

I think it is best to be yourself, because then you don't deceive a person in case they see you're not what they're looking for. I don't think we should try to change to please others, we can improve ourselves, but not erase ourselves and try to become someone else to please others, unless we are being harmful to others.

Diodoro · Answer

I do much the opposite LOL. Like I'm not actively trying to say fucked up shit or offend her, but I am very much willing to speak my mind even if it's something that may offend her

The overwhelming majority of girls appreciate and respect it, and a very few number of girls actively hate me LOL and of the girls that hate me, they are usually girls that I really didn't like when I got to know them so it works out.

CurlyGirl42 · Answer

Be yourself, but no need to flaunt all your negative traits and can sure focus on the positive sides. That is what I try to show and get to know from the other person the first couple of dates.
I actually really enjoy getting to know someone on a deeper level, and the tough things are often something that brings one closer.. like I had first dates where we talked about a loss in the family or someone close who was very sick. Just came up naturally, no hiding it.

hahahmm · Answer

Oh, by all means show up to the date in baggy sweats & let some huge farts rip. Life is all about you and being in a relationship doesn't require actually being attractive to the other person.

Eventually you'll find some sucker who has a fetish for lazy self-centered types.

Shizunk · Answer

As a king of weirdos I have a lot of experience with people getting used to my strange ways over time, but almost never in 5 minutes. Being yourself if it's too different or problematic is the fastest way to get rejected. Play to your strengths, be honest, but do not just give up and allow your weaknesses and quirks to ruin the first impression. It is absolutely not worth it. If you get asked about something, be honest. If not, don't bring it up just because it you are not sure it looks good.

MelaninQueen21 · Answer

I think being yourself is more important. It gives the other person a chance to see the real you, who you really are, what you're really like 💯 Because sooner or later, they're gonna see the real you. So there's no need to hide the real you underneath the person you want the other person to see. Just my opinion.

Dragonpurple · Answer

First impressions are rarely accurate anyways, when I was younger I would be on my best behavior but after I got divorced I sort of stopped caring and just being myself.

Not sure if it was cause I was older, more stable, in a decent job or what, but I had far more success with this route.

Phoenix98 · Answer

I believe you should be authentic and genuine. That's what a first date is all about right? Getting to know each other, seeing what kind of person your dealing with, wether you want to keep seeing each other, etc.

You can't really do that if you aren't being genuine and authentic with each other.

AllThatSweetJazz · Answer

Depends. If "yourself" isn't a very appealing person then you should probably compromise in areas that you feel are acceptable to you for practicality. So in context, this translates to women typically don't really have to do anything to be acceptable, so women can be themselves more, and men typically have higher expectations so they're forced to adapt more often, and the weirder or less acceptable you are in generally to the regular person then the more you have to adjust.

Floppy2112 · Answer

Results speak for themselves. I am obsessively committed to being genuine and authentic. I cannot stand phoniness, either in myself or others. So I am committed to being as authentic as possible and I am getting nowhere. So I am on track to die alone and forgotten. The fact is that my authentic self isn't very attractive, apparently. So unless you want to end up on the same pathway as myself, fake it, 'til you make it.

DizzyDesii · Answer

The guy usually knows me at least a month or three before i agree to go on a date. So i dont think im worried about not being myself

ThatNoUVAtYourEyes · Answer

That is _all_ I ever do,

There is zero point to pretending if you end up projecting a person you are not (I do not date men, but women are notoriously fabricating and then (usually) self rejecting or staging unavailability - when some of those dates would be coffee buddies at least)

It is best to keep in mind we all poo, so to speak

TheBootyChest · Answer

I think I am myself on dates. I might just dress up nicer for a date.

One thing I try to do on first dates to find a place to play pool. That way if I can help her with lining up her shot it helps to break the touch barrier.

BCA6010 · Answer

I fully support the idea. It's justifiable to put in a bit of extra effort for that first impression, but if it's going to the extent that you are misrepresenting yourself, you're not doing anyone any favors.

Screenwriter · Answer

There is no way you CANNOT be yourself to a large degree on a first date.

First dates are the time for general discussions. For finding out. If you're faking it, you're never going to make it past dates 2 or 3. Honesty pays off in dating.

Ninani · Answer

I'm always myself on a date. It's the only way to know if they actually like the person I am. Wouldn't want someone to have unrealistic expectations of me because of my own behaviour, that's bound to end badly.

jshm2 · Answer

Age old daft assertion.

There is no such thing as "being yourself". You ARE yourself, whether you like it or not. But being courteous, is the minimum behaviour you would expect on a date, unless you want it to be your last...

Adam1978 · Answer

Both you should be the best version of you. You can show your flaws with time, you don't start with them. But neither should you be someone else. Ie don't fake it.

Apulu_3 · Answer

It shows you are a trustable person and you don't care about rejection which is cool.

Gwenhwyfar · Answer

You want to strike a good balance of both. Be the best possible version of yourself.

Wester1967 · Answer

i had my first date in 6 years last weekend. I was so much myself it wasn't even funny. She fell hard. She was seriously ready to hook up if not get serious and get married. You could just tell. Zoop. I was out of there like The Flash

exitseven · Answer

You can be polite and pleasant and not compromise your values. Make an honest effort to be personable, leave the phone in your pocket and make good eye contact. Everything else is on the table.

shaggy_dom · Answer

You should always be yourself. Never try to build on a lie (or deception). However, on a first date, one should maybe tone it down, at least for some people

Rachel794 · Answer

People can be conditioned to be on their best behavior during a date, but I personally think it’s more authentic and fun to be yourself in dating.

zagor · Answer

If your natural attitude is rude and dismissive of the feelings of others then not much point in going on a date in the first place.

pickedcrisps · Answer

I should know.  I was completely myself. She knew she could dump me if she didn't like. And likewise she I assumed was herself.  😈

Juxtapose · Answer

If they are not even putting in an effort for me (especially since most women expect free meals) then I would just get up and leave.

Twalli · Answer

I think the reason my relationship with my girlfriend is so strong is that we were ourselves 100% of the time. Since we never tried to impress each other we knew what it was going to be like from day 1.

NathanDavis · Answer

makes no difference to me... I've always been myself

snackthatsmilesback · Answer

I'm trying to get to where my best behavior is myself. So I think it'd be good to practice that on a first date.

Mangospacho · Answer

You should definitely be your best self, not someone else’s best self. You don’t have to show your negative side but definitely show off your positive side on a first date.

HighValue · Answer

I would always be myself around someone I am involved with.

CallmeTheKnight · Answer

You should always be yourself no matter what. Don't reveal everything about yourself, but be yourself. The best behavior is nothing but a front

corny_cooter581 · Answer

I think it's great. That way you both have an idea of what you're getting yourselves into

musicloverr8 · Answer

Be yourself cut to the chase if you're not compatible or he doesn't like it move on

imfreeze95 · Answer

Being on your best behavior should be being yourself I have been told I am mature and respectful for me that is my best behavior

Waldoe · Answer

always better to be true to yourself... never pretend to be someone you aren't. If you are not "His Type" you might as well know sooner than later...

Mehzmeh · Answer

Always be yourself. I am always who I am. That’s why my lady loves me. I have grown from when we first met. But I, am always real. And always me.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

I'm going to go with Best Behavior; because "myself" right now is waaayyy too casual.

lorenzomichael · Answer

being yourself on a first date is always the best. just remember to lie like a son of a bicth.

boobliker · Answer

I have always been myself and I know I have lost some But I had fun and good times being myself.

dragoblack · Answer

It honestly scares more women off. It's better to ease them into the weird

Maowhrei · Answer

I personally think if you are always yourself then you would naturally be yourself on the date. But maybe i am talking about a deeper level than you.

Agape93 · Answer

I prefer it. Let them see how I actually am.

divina_12 · Answer

I rather let you see me who I really am cause then i would know if its true love

JosyJosy · Answer

"Sounds about right." It saves us time

Guardian45 · Answer

To your ownself always be true is my motto.

What do you think about being yourself instead of being on your best behavior on a first date?

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