Do you think certain physical traits that you have are truly what prevents you or other guys from being successful in dating or do you think guys who say this are just making excuses for other things?
Oh good question, and I would love to hear your own take on the matter.
I think in many cases we like how girls look so much we feel inadequate in that department and overemphasize its importance.
Similarly, guys generally have trouble understanding ways they can be wanted, and confuse it for having to be needed. Fame. Status. Riches. A glorified body guard. It's why guys can be insecure about a woman who makes more than them. "What use am I to her?" he thinks. Generally not so much out of "needing to be dominant" or whatever this or that gender studies book tells you. But generally out of feeling expendable. Like if you don't serve a function for her, you'll find a guy who does. If you can't find a use for yourself, you assume the only desirable thing is this or that specific trait. "The only thing should could want me for is looks, and I don't have that."
She doesn't need a specific "use" for you. She can just want you. And it can be for a collection of things that individually don't seem that impressive. A masterpiece artwork isn't a masterpiece because it used special colors or brighter hues. It uses the same colors everyone else is using.
I might have gone off on a tangent there at the end, but it's a common insecurity I see in men and try to address it a lot. And that last paragraph especially applies to women as well.
(My own tangent, lol). This is difficult to quantify because you're dealing with an entire population of women with different experiences, cultural things they find attractive, society pressures, family and friend pressures to date a certain guy over another and the list goes on. But for me, one of my longest relationships I've had was with a guy who had a very visible deformity of the arm. It happened in the womb where his bones didn't fuse correctly, so one of his arms was permanently twisted at a visible angle with the fingers on that hand unable to move much. He would ask me sometimes, why I was going out with him when I could date anyone out there, and it was like, you came up to me, you were super nice, you made me laugh, and did I notice the arm, yes, I have eyes, but he never made this big deal about it even though I could tell he was trying his best to cover it up (understandable because of the bullying he'd experienced when he was younger and his admitted insecurities about it), but he was attractive to me.
I'd be lying if I said, that put another woman in my place, and she might have seen his arm, be weirded out, and not give him the time of day. I mean, you really cannot help what it is you find attractive or what doesn't bother you, that bothers everyone else about someone you might want to date. It's devastating for some guys (and some women too) because they are trying their best or they come to a point where they feel they have to try 10x harder to get even one person to notice them, let alone flirt with them without provocation. Guys are taught to get the girl, but what does one do if one feels or is at a disadvantage before they even say a word? How can they get the perfect 10 if all they date is other perfect 10s? The answer may be that it's impossible, and some guys do settle for whatever they can get rather than get someone the genuinely want to be with because of this.
Oh nice. Thanks for going into depth, and thanks for the story!
The nice thing about the "perfect 10" thing is that by the time you get that high up, it becomes enormously subjective and varies wildly. It's easy to throw a model on a billboard who is at least a 6-7 for everyone, which is where many of the media standards of beauty come from. Sort of a least-common-denominator of what everyone finds at least somewhat attractive. Rather than shooting for a straight 10 and turning off a good chunk of their audience. I'd wager that for most people, it isn't about being the hottest one in the room. It's about being attractive enough, and then after that it moves on to other things.
"I mean, you really cannot help what it is you find attractive or what doesn't bother you." Right. I mean you can influence it to a degree, which I encourage people to do. But like I wish people could understand this about things like obesity. At no point in our history have people been obese in the majority, but now obesity is relatively normal, so we aren't equipped for the majority of us to find it attractive. Some do, and some always have. But we've been skinny most of our time on earth, so of course it's going to be what appeals to most people. Body positivity shouldn't be about what's hot or not. Most guys aren't anywhere near the media's standard of "hot" yet we don't have nearly the eating disorders women do. It should be about stopping the bullying and stopping looks from spilling over to areas where it should be irrelevant, like pay.
Asker
4 mo
Loving this conversation. There is also something I am the first to admit as a woman in terms of attracting others, and it's women's wizardry. I consider myself a 6 or 7 on a no make-up, no hair done, day, but I know that when I do hair and make-up others have considered me at least a 9. Men don't have this option. The most a guy can do to enhance his looks is wear contacts, cut/grow hair, workout, or in the extreme, plastic surgery. Women!?! Hair, nails, contacts, workout, corsets, padded bras, padded underwear, make-up, plastic surgery, and the endless list goes on. We're relying on artificial attraction and it's attracting guys because it works. Its the idea of the glow up where it's not just growing into ourselves physically, but when you see those after images, women in particular, always have hair done, make-up, and/or they've lost a bunch of weight and people go "wow."
But to your point as well, there are some things like fit healthy people, that have been attractive and literally admired for centuries that are practically hard wired into our brain as our standard of beauty. There are also real risks to dating someone who is obese, aka, they may literally die at a young age because of their health conditions, and that is literally not attractive. I do wish we could get to a point where we are encouraging health for people without it being about shaming them because that's important for all of us. Our body positivity should be wrapped up in congratulating people getting off type 2 diabetes and bp meds, and being able to easily go up 3 flights of stairs without passing out.
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ShadezMcgee | 689 opinions shared on Dating topic.
Yoda
4 mo
It depends on what it is. If it is something out of their control, they can be affected by that. Examples like height, deformities, possible disabilities that they have to live with but cannot control can be hard. Guys who deal with that generally may be a little bitter in dating, but can easily use that to their advantage by being positive and fun people and not let that anchor them down.
However if it is something controllable like personality, weight/fitness, job, etc. Then they have no right to be butthurt. They need to make those changes in order to get results and they actually have the power to do so.
Yes I think that´s a problem because women are nearly equally visual to man. Women also value visual sides and I´ve been told that I´m not man enough for them because I can´t grow a full beard and I´m skinny. Plus I have a rather low self-confident because of my skinny physique which takes all chances of success in dating away.
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Asker
4 mo
Hypothetically if you grew the muscles and the beard, do you think you'd have a full choice of women to choose from?
Maybe not a full choice but it would change my complete behavior while I´m now a rather introvert, passive guy that´s often falling through dating radars because I´m introvert and shy. I´d probably have a different more open apperance and a higher self confidence. That would make a difference not only in terms of dating but it would grow my social life altogether.
Asker
4 mo
Have you ever tried to fake it? Convince yourself that you're 'that guy,' the one you think all women want to see you be, and tried to take it from there? As an introvert myself, I have to channel "that girl" in some situations because otherwise, my alternatives would be being frustrated all the time. I'm not diminishing your internal/external struggles, but what else can you do?
Yes I can fake it to at some kind but people will see through that. But I´m not looking for love at the moment and I´m no where from being desperately looking for a partner. I have other things to fill my life with.
It's a wide spectrum. Many factors that coincide may influence success in dating, a bit of luck sometimes among them. But with that said, certain physical traits indeed. You should see how sadistically some women rip into shorter guys in heightism culture, telling them to die since no one wants them anyway etc. It's downright inhumane how some men are treated due to some physical disadvantage at times.
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4 mo
I believe you. There is definite cruelty involved in regards to individuals who aren't conventionally attractive and not just from those whom they desire, but from peers and strangers, who further add insult to injury.
Men sometimes say that because men somehow want women more, that the so called 1s, 2s, and 3s out of 10's of us women are still more likely to get more guys to give them a chance, but no one wants to be wanted because they are the only thing available after a list of 100 others has been eliminated. That's not a good feeling and there is little value in that if someone isn't there for you because they want to be with you but in saying that, you can't force someone to like what they aren't attracted to.
Yes I'm ugly and that's jus a fact. I could try. But I'd jus fail. So what's the point. I think you jus see a lot of guys saying it online cos usually the internet attracts ugly dorks. But jus cos you see a lot. of. complaining here don't mean all guys are ugly as shit. It's just this website attracts losers like. myself
I'm sure it has an effect, not helped by my low self esteem and lack of confidence due to rejection and inexperience. That being said, if I was handsome or had the genes to easily maintain a fit body, then I'd be more successful in dating therefore more confident as a result, so bit of a catch-22.
Regarding any sort of failure, you can break down the reasoning to 3 categories: Some are stupid, some are without willpower, and some are unfortunate victims. Every failure of every species on the planet falls into at least one of these categories.
I think for most men the issue is their own self doubt or something else mental. Preventing them from succeeding with women. Then they say stuff like women only want tall men, big muscles, big dick or wealth to avoid their character flaws. Shifting blame from themself.
I think I’m ok, but height is probably something that’s working against me in the dating pool. Many Women are so wrapped up in it, and I get it, others not so much, but I’m sure it’s not helping me. 5’8” all stretched out.
Not at all they must be delusional to think my obesity isn't at all sexy.
Do these people go and get fucked by someone else? Find out if that's the case... you'll find the problem exists within the person who isn't getting any sex
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