My office wants to arrange monthly bar nights. My boyfriend doesn't want me to go to bars. How do I approach this?

Question

I (26) have been with my boyfriend (28) for a year and a half. He recently told me "no more bars". I didn't think too much of it as we're both introverts and don't do a lot of super social outings. Our days out consist of kayaking and fishing, walking around a town/mall, skiing/snowboarding, dinner and an arcade, etc. I've been to a bar once since dating him for karaoke – with him there. At the time, I asked about "work outings" as I know even in small towns, coworkers go out for drinks every once in a while. He was even against that, and said maybe I could go if he came along, but I know he wouldn't want to. He said he wouldn't even consider going to work outings at all, but he doesn't like his job one bit.

I started a new job on a film this month in a big city about an hour away from him. The office space hosts several projects and networking is a huge part of the filmmaking industry. Tonight, an officemate working on a different project told me he was arranging for the whole office to get drinks once a month. The idea is that we work in the same field on similar projects, and we share a space, so it would be a good idea to mingle once in a while.

Going once a month to meet professionals in my field (my dream field, by the way) would be awesome as I would get advice and learn things about the industry I would otherwise not know about. I would not overdo it, and probably would drink virgin cocktails so I could safely get home. However, regardless of the occasion, he doesn't want me to go to bars at all. He was even fishy about me going with him or friends. I feel like there is something I am missing when it comes to this. Does anyone have any idea how to approach this? How do I bring this up and sort out his fears/worries when it comes to me and bars? Any idea on why he wants me to never enter a bar again, including work outings?

DaveJord · Accepted Answer

Words, words, words... too many words.

You're a grown women... you do what you want or allow yourself to be controlled by a man who wants to keep you isolated. Its up to you... how do you approach it?

Well you tell him its a work outing, and its your career, and it's at a bar, and he can come if he wants to, and if he does not want to go, you are going anyway, because your a grown women and you can do what you want with or without his permission.

If he flips then he is an ass hole and he just ruined an otherwise great relationship with his insecure, possessive, male dominating personality. And if he is a good guy then he will support you... but he sounds like an asshole who is trying to control you because he is insecure about something and you don't need or want that.

And I am shocked that strong independent women who what's to pursue her career ambitions and social interests would even need to ask this question and not already dealt with it.

William7489 · Accepted Answer

To be quite honest with you, he probably has some kind of fear about this that is based in reality. I know of many a man and woman, more men actually, that I’ve seen relationships end at these type of events. This is where emotional affairs become physical affairs. You put a little alcohol into the mix and two people who have worked closely together and flirted and confided in one another for sometime, may find the perfect excuse to hook up. And from there a full-blown affair begins. Something like this may have happened to him. And to be perfectly honest, it’s a normal type of thing for somebody to be apprehensive about. Especially men because we know how other men get when they start drinking! All you can do is ask him about his fears, do what you can to lessen then, and then overtime prove to him that he has nothing to be afraid of. That’s the best you can do.

jennifer_bloom · Accepted Answer

You could show him your receipts to prove you only ordered coke or non alcoholic drinks or alcohol free drinks that taste like beer if you really don't want to argue with him about it.

Anonymous · Answer

You aren't on the same page. Bars are low vibrational places. They could have picked any number of venues for the networking but they pick a bar. I tell you something, I will never go near a bar again for any reason period. The fact that you could all mingle in a nice outside space in nature or anywhere... but they chose a bar. What a cliche. But that's clearly not the reason your boyfriend doesn't want you to go to them. He doesn't trust you and thinks after enough drinks 'accidents' will happen. This is the core reason why he wants to be with you if you go to one.

Lliam · Answer

At the least, his attitude is insecure. At worst, it is narcissistic and controlling.

Who is he to tell you what you can and can't do? You're a grown woman. After all, you're with him in the first place because you choose to, not because you have to.

As far as I'm concerned, if he doesn't trust you by now, he never will. And without trust, there can be no love. He obviously doesn't understand that. It's like he doesn't even know you.

Socializing with the office people once a month would be very good for YOU and your career. Why isn't your boyfriend supportive? Does he care what's best for you? And does he understand that you, not he, knows what is your best interest?

I advise you to make your own decisions. If your boyfriend can't handle that, you two aren't right for each other.

WindAtMyBack · Answer

I wouldn't go, and I'd be very reluctant to work for a company that did such things. A lot of companies have gotten completely away from any company events that have alcohol, even for special occasions like Christmas events. To do it monthly is irresponsible and potentially a serious liability.

But bottom line is that you should NEVER feel obligated to attend such events. Personally I be tempted to quit a job at a place that did that.

KennyG72 · Answer

bars, and people you work with are frequently where affairs start/happen. You won't be able to completely assuage his fears. There will be men hitting on you if you are even remotely attractive. Sometimes it will be overt and sometimes not. Especially with people working in the same field but not coworkers (IE no potential HR involvement).

exitseven · Answer

His insecurity will only get worse. You need to reconsider if you want to continue this relationship.

Guy13 · Answer

Go as a couple. Start the trend. Make it a date night.

AviatorTom · Answer

You politely decline going to "bar night" and instead go to lunch often with your co-workers.

MiseriaCantareAFI · Answer

Well, you have a choice then, your boyfriend, or you job. You can always quit, but you can always dump him

Iron_Man · Answer

Bring your boyfriend with you don’t drink alcohol I have soda

KrakenAttackin · Answer

You (and your boyfriend) know exactly what will happen if you start drinking with colleagues.

Anonymous · Answer

You should do what YOU want to do.

BJP21 · Answer

Its work related, he's being insecure.

My office wants to arrange monthly bar nights. My boyfriend doesn't want me to go to bars. How do I approach this?

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