We're both 22. I like to go out dancing and getting drinks with my friends. Ever since we got together he doesn't want me to go to them because of all the guys there. We just got into a huge fight because my friends are going out this weekend and I wanted to go but he threatened to break up with me if I did.
I don't go to pick up guys or get crazy. I just want to dance and have a good time. I asked him to suggest other places we can go to dance and he couldn't give me any.
I didn't go but now I'm not speaking to him. I have nothing to say and I'm wondering if I even want to be with someone who thinks they can tell me what I can and cannot do.
When he's with me, he's fine. But I don't invite him all the time, simply because it's a girls night.
My boyfriend doesn't want me to go bars/clubs, and I feel he is controlling me. What do I do?
It's a mixed bag. As a guy, I understand his concern about a girlfriend going to clubs where other guys will most likely be drooling over her. How he expresses his concern, care and possible insecurities to you however, is emotionally unhealthy from a relationship standpoint.
The root of the issue stems from the reputation of clubs and how they're viewed as environments where one goes to get wasted and to hook up, it doesn't exactly resonate well with the concept of a committed relationship. Even if some girls might go to clubs just to dance and have a good time, most (if not all!) guys go there to find a girl with whom to spend the night. Relationshipwise and speaking in general, when your SO gives you ultimatums in order to keep the relationship going, he is basically telling you to live according to his own rules and it limits your freedom to do the things you like and thus makes you unhappy. It's an emotionally draining pattern and destructive in the long run. Giving ultimatums is disrespectful and should not be a part of a relationship.
To conclude, personally I would consider my SO's feelings when it comes down to the essence of clubbing itself while also addressing the SO's ultimatum-behaviour. In the end, the difference in both of your personalities comes down to play though, the other likes going out and the other one doesn't. If the issues can't be discussed properly, the question is: are you guys a good match?
Well, from where I'm sitting and based on everything you've said, I'm thinking you're mean for not bringing him along on "girls night out", lol😂. He would've fit right in. Why would it make sense for you to cave in to a threat like that knowing you'd be upset? You say you're "wondering if you even want to be with someone..." How long do you have to wonder? You don't like it now, you'll hate it more later and as soon as someone gives me an ultimatum, I never do what they wanted anyway. Give him an ultimatum, stop trying to control or I'll be breaking up with you.
Your 52, women are not as faithful as they use to be and clubs these days are for people looking for hook ups any guy knows this, girls don't dress up in revealing clothes and grind on other guys for no reason, maybe u should go to a modern club so you have insight
Another example of how women are unfaithful and uncaring of others if us men can pick then up anywhere, thanks for settinf examples but its a WELL known FACT girls go to clubs get picked up, its what they do, you go to club to shake your ass and dress im reveling clothes and grind on your friends for fun? Lol because your friends are looking to attact the guys they're not their for "FUN" lol
@Fuentes you can never control another person if they don’t want that. If your girlfriend wants to cheat she will, regardless of whether she goes out or not. You either trust her or you don’t. And if you don’t just break up.
@hahahmm their is no control , because he isn't, so before all these guy say he's being controlling im giving from his point of view because MOST of these guys commenting are VIRGINS or Never been to a modern day club. So he did tell her he didn't want her to go, or theyll be over so, basiclly if thats what she wants to do, she can do it and he wot be there anymore, just like she doesn't agree because she claims to be "faithful" personally being in a serious realtionship at 22 is... because everyone is still young and immature, and figuring what they're going to do with their lifes. So it's pretty obv that these two don't click. But im stating from his point of view. It's nit right he's being called a controlling basterd by betas and virgins who don't know what realtionships are like these days.
@Fuentes I understand what you're saying and I've been to some of the clubs and I've seen it. Here's a few things that haven't changed. Trust has to exist or there's nothing. I don't want to be my girlfriend's keeper. She's with her friends. I didn't see she asked say that she was going in revealing clothes to grind on... And if that's what she wants, the only thing she'd need to do is tell me. I'll be gone. Another point I'll make that really has not changed from my age to yours is women don't want to be controlled. The last thing that I'll say is I'd never want to be in the club when a guy is grindin' on my girl! That's all bad and someone's going to jail, hospital... Nothing good is coming out of that.
You a good dude i wasn't tryna disrespect your age i was just tryna have u see from his point of view, but u get it lol exactly no guy wants to to be put in that situation
I get it that if she wanted to go out with her friends clubbing every weekend, than I would tell her we shouldn't be together and good luck. I wouldn't walk away with the thought of her being a slut or hoe. That would make myself look like an asshole and poor judge of character. My ex wife went out 3 or 4 times a year with her high school bff, and a couple of the times she'd call me @ 2:00am and tell me ***** was drunk she's giving her a ride home and she's going to sleep there. No problem. That's where we should all be able to agree on... If a woman wants to go clubbing every weekend and boyfriend doesn't like to dance at all, they shouldn't be together. They're at different stages of their lives. Nobody has to feel bad about the breakup. He's not a control freak and she's not a slut or hoe. I still think the only advice for both of them is breakup while still friends and you remain friends. Who knows in 10 years... ?
I can understand where he's coming from. I'm now thirty and to this day I have never gone out clubbing because that's a ridiculous activity in my opinion. If you wanna dance and get wasted you can do it at home with your friends or throw a small party for people you'd like to spend time with. The purpose of clubbing is getting wasted, losing all inhibitions and mingling with people in order to end up with another drunk individual for the night. That's probably what your boyfriend thinks as well when you refuse to let him come with you. This whole girls' night out bs is for single people to meet a hook up or feel better about themselves. If you want to actually spend time with your friends it's much more feasible to meet at a restaurant or cafe or any other place where there's no deafening music and 400 other people in the dark trying to squeeze into a square meter while humping each other! I'd never let my boyfriend go clubbing especially without me because I value my relationship with him. If he ever wanted to go clubbing so badly that hurting my feelings wouldn't matter to him anymore, I'd break up with him because our values in life were too different to have a harmonious relationship. So you obviously are very different from your boyfriend and a break up is inevitable if he isn't a party animal like you are.
While I see where you're coming from, this is not true for everyone. As many times as my friends and I have gone out, we've never brought home or went home with anyone. That's not our style.
He needs to chill out. I get the whole idea, that other guys go there looking to get lucky and he's worried about them trying to hit on you. But what about any other bar? There's a difference between someone trying to dance with you, and you going back to his place and cheating on your boyfriend. He's insecure in himself that either you're going to cheat on him, or that "you won't be able to resist" the affections given from other guys, which means he is likely sexist and sees you as emotionally weak.
Trying to keep you from hanging out with your friends is manipulative and isolating, the same as if you're trying to keep him from having a guys night at the pub. I'm not sure if i would compare it to a strip club, because there, someone is deliberately selling a visual sexual fantasy, while you would only be "catering to the social dress norms of the club." In essence, you're NOT paying to sexualized, but a guy pays to see sexual objectification.
The most important part about this situation is not that he is jealous you are going to the club. It's that he is threatening to leave you. When you respond to such threats you basically show him that as long as he threatens to leave he has full control. What happens later on when there is another issue and you live together? Will he threaten to throw you out on the street? I also guarantee he won't leave he will probably instead follow you to the club and make a scene or something of that nature. Either you are willing to live under this control or you are not.
Threatening to break up with you was a manipulative, borderline abusive behavior. Using ultimatums to get what you want and control your partner’s behavior is very unhealthy. I’d suggest that you two either seek counseling together, or break up.
Actually guys, that sounds like your problem with other men, not our problem as women. You fellas are welcome to work on that problem between each other. It's not women's job to stay hidden and not enjoy life so y'all don't have to control how you act.
@MlleCake I never said she was a whore... smh you taking this all outta content... I can't speak for everybody else... Like I said it's up to who's ever in that relationship... Some guys wouldn't approve of there women to go out... Just like some women wouldn't like for their men to go out... Me personally I think clubs are for single people... An me being a guy I know how guys are in clubs... They looking for one nighters... Never met a couple who's happily married that say they met in the club... Lol my question to is do you have a man? Because you got defensive too fast about other people opinions...
None of these things matter. The asker should be able to go have fun with her friends without receiving ultimatums from her boyfriend. Just because you “know what other guys try to do” does not mean that the asker will participate in it or allow it to happen. Trust is so important in a relationship and it doesn’t seem like the asker has given her boyfriend any solid reason not to trust her. He’s simply a paranoid controlling maniac, and using ultimatums to keep her locked up is incredibly manipulative and unhealthy. A compromise, in this case, would mean something like continuing to text him periodically throughout the night so that he knows she's okay. Or, perhaps, inviting him to come along so that he has nothing to worry about. Those are reasonable compromises. Threatening her into submission is not a compromise.
@yourmad101338 But it doesn’t mean that she’ll give them the chance to- or even talk to them. Sometimes girls really do go out just to be with their friends.
As long as I know my SO is a responsible drinker, it isn't worth getting stressed out over. Jealousy can actually push your partner away as it is one of the most insecure reactions a guy can have. It is better to be confident that you won't cheat. A lot of times guys don't realize that the way they act and think can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, and that also goes for jealousy or worry about being cheated on.
That said, you have to watch out for roofies and guys who are looking to take advantage. After all, guys are usually expected to be the protector of their partner, and when he can't be around to look after you, there is no way to know if you'll be safe. If it is really a concern about your safety, then that I feel is respectable and you should go out of your way to stay safe and have plans with your girlfriends in case you get separated or if a guy acts sketchy towards you.
There are other options for dancing. Try going to a salsa or ballroom dancing class with your guy. Learn how to dance well together! These are a bit more classy forms of dancing than the typical nightclub. However, just be aware that if you go salsa dancing alone, a lot of guys like to use salsa to pick up women as well. In fact, it might make it worse since those types of dancing styles require a male partner in most cases. You could also save the partnered dance styles for only you and your guy, but then again, it may be harder to increase in skill. BUT, if you aren't jealous of your guy dancing with other women, it may dispell his jealous feelings by allowing him to dance with other women just so he can see that there is no real risk to your relationship just by dancing.
I would also practice not drinking as much, especially if you are a known partier. Volunteer to be designated driver more frequently and prove you are a responsible person who just wants to get out with her girlfriends and isn't looking to go wild.
Jealousy can push a partner away. Not giving a fuck can get you cheated on and end up raising another mans kids. Would be controlling and jealous and push a girl away rather than be cheated on , anyday.
@lord_chilled One could argue that if she ends up cheating on you even if you weren't jealous or overprotective, she was bound to cheat on you anyway. At least with not being overbearing, you aren't pushing what could have been a perfectly compatible and loyal mate, to the arms of another man.
That is basically what happens. Insecurity, no matter if it is in a weak man or an overbearing one, is a huge turn-off. Or rather, it isn't so much insecurity, since we all have it, but how we handle our insecurity.
Time and time again women complain about clingy ass men who think they have to prove themselves OR analyze their woman's every move. Most women with a halfway decent sense of self-worth are not going to appreciate a controlling insecure prick.
A perfectly compatible, loyal woman, wouldn't run into the arms of another man, even if you are controlling. If it gets to the point where its a complete nuisance she will break it off.
And why do you think women dont wanna be owned? A huge number of women love to be owned. It makes them feel secure and loved. Tbh, girls who have problem with their guys putting boundaries and restrictions on them, usually have a problem with committment. I say this from experience.
You are right in the sense that if a guy is insecure and tries to control a girl, and she moves away from him, the relationship is kinda doomed. Because she doesn't respect him enough to let him command her in the first place.
If a masculine guy says, "meet your friends during the day. Dont go out at night", and his girl says "okay" there isn't any problem.
Thats how its supposed to be done. Do you really think that men 4-5 generations back would let their women go clubbing at night?
Not surprisingly back then women respected regular men more than they do now.
I can't say if its because women gained more power and privileges than men, or if its because men as a whole are fetting more feminized, but it seems that a lot of guys think that you can't speak your feelings and "claim" your girl, else she will be pushed away. Being jealous and insecure is a natural reaction when men think that their girl is spening too much time around other men. In an evolutionary sense, this would mean that a man would physically restrict her from going out. Thats is ome way to make sure that your mate doesn't breed with another male. However, you can't do that in modern society, and even of you could, you couldnt call that a mutual relationship in terms of interest.
I think men should stop dating girls who can't listen to them and make everything an issue about "muh freedom" . They dont respect you. Date girls who look up to you and listen to you. They respect you and your opinions.
@lord_chilled Bottom line is if the guy was doing his job at home and setting himself up as the superior man for her, he wouldn't have to worry about if other men are throwing dicks at her. If she falls for one of those guys, she has basically disqualified herself.
Your assumption is that of the typical red piller, that all women are basically waiting to monkey branch to the next best thing. SOME women do this of course, but hardly the majority. This always comes down to dating and relationships as a power play, about what one person can get from another. It is a very shallow and egotistical way of going about life. Only egotistical sociopathic and narcissistic people go about their day thinking this way.
Only weak-willed females will comply to the abuses of a domineering man. 4-5 generations back, the majority of women were under the thumb of men and were raised to be weak of will. If a woman spoke out, she might get struck by her man and it was expected.
I don't think there is anything wrong with voicing insecurity. If it makes a man uncomfortable that his woman goes out all the time to dance, he shouldn't hold back, he should express it. If his woman respected him and cared for his thoughts, she'd compromise or talk it out. The same goes for any dispute.
That said, if a man has to keep his woman under his thumb due to his fears and insecurities, or is constantly worrying about whether this woman is going to be loyal, then any rational sane woman is going to question how present he is in the partnership and whether he sees her as more than just his property.
There is a difference between being possessive and concerned. Some women do like to be controlled, there are also women who stick around even when their man roughs them up when they talk back. There are also women who are independent (becoming far more common), and those women respect a man who is secure in who he is and doesn't feel the need to possess her.
A little jealousy is fine. Studies do prove this. It shows the man cares about where his relationship is going. That said, studies also prove that possessive and cognitive jealousy negatively affect relational satisfaction. I can provide the studies if you'd like...
"Bottom line is if the guy was doing his job at home and setting himself up as the superior man for her, he wouldn't have to worry about if other men are throwing dicks at her. If she falls for one of those guys, she has basically disqualified herself. "
I agree. But usually women that look up to, respect their man in such a way dont need to go out to a club to feel validated or to get attention from other men. Im sure you know that not all women go to nightclubs for a girls night out. A lot of girls prefer spending time with their friends in more classy settings. Even if you go out at night, there are alternatives. You can go watch a movie. You can go bowling, you can go to an arcade, to play games or pool or ping pong. Yeah, more guys are into that, but tbh i think its narrow minded to say that going clubbing (where plenty of men are looking for sex, dates) is the only place that women go to.
And no im not saying all women are looking for what redpillers/mgtowers call, a bigger better deal. There are women that love and are loyal to their men.
I just dont think that women who do go to places where romantic/sexual attention is almost guaranteed from other men, are those type of women. It only makes sense in terms of probability.
Also what makes you think that men in the past, who were domineering, were always abusive? Thats one of the number one lies that feminism perpetuated and didn't just demonize men of the past, but demonized the whole male gender itself.
Think about it, if were being honest, women today are more powerful and privileged than men. (we can discuss this separately, but its not the main point). there's no rights that a man has that a woman doesn't have, but there are rights that women have, which men dont.
But wether you believe that or not, im sure you can agree that the divorce/family courts are definitely in favour of women
Now, that women have more power in the dicorce courts, a lot of women abuse this power, to hurt and punish their exes/to-be-exes, and exact personal revwnge upon them with legal help.
But im sure not all of them do. I dont even think that most do. I think those that do, get a lot of coverage, while you dont hear about the better ones and terms where the split comes to mutual satisfaction. I think a lot of women will put their childrens happiness over their personal griefs. Im sure most dont go out of their way to destroy men that they once loved/cared about. In other words, i dont think all women abuse their power , when they have it. Some do, but i dont think the majority.
In the same way, i dont think all men abused their power back in the old days whem society was more more patriarchial. Im sure most men loved and took care of their wives. If you deny this i will have to point out that you are kinda being sexist. Because it would imply that women are inherently better than men
Which isn't really true. People can be good or bad, regardpess of their gender. If all men were abusive and bad, how come they supported feminism , giving women the right to vote, and equal rights?
I think you get the point, i went very deep on that one point , because the whole "men in the old days forced their women down" is completely unjustified and frankly , disrespectful to our forefathers, who may just have been the nicest people.
As for the rest of what you posted i dont really disagree with them. I just think that we see differently on whats controlling and possessive and the level of it.
To me, telling your woman that she can't go out clubbing, is perfectly reasonable. I barely think of it as controlling, i think its a boundary. I would just tell my girl from the beginning that that kind of thing is unacceptable to me.
Now constantly asking a girl where she is, with whom she is, and making her always tell you what she is upto, thats controlling.
@lord_chilled Well I don't think all men abused their power, but then again, I think women also depended on men a whole lot more too, at least financially. I also think that women saw their relations with men as a duty in the older generations. Even when they were unhappy, they would sacrifice. You also have to remember that back then, there weren't any No Fault divorce laws like there is now in the US (started in the mid-70s). Women had to eat shit, grin, and bear it for the most part. Now, women can leave whenever they feel like, marriage or not. And YES, the courts still heavily support women, especially when it comes to custody and child support.
"But wether you believe that or not, im sure you can agree that the divorce/family courts are definitely in favour of women"
I agree with this completely. It is one of the reasons why I am wary dating single mothers, even at my age.
As far as the dancing, I do agree somewhat. But it depends. Some dancing, like salsa, requires a partner. Some women go out and dancing with multiple men, even around their own boyfriends! I have seen it first hand. Do the boyfriends feel threatened even when other guys are twirling around their woman, grinding his hip into hers? Maybe. But that is all a part of salsa and bachata. The men dance with other women too!
It really depends. A nightclub, I suppose I could see why. Everyone knows that it is a practical meat market where guys go on the hunt and certain women are looking for a hot guy to pick them up. But not all women who dance or go to clubs are looking for that. That is why players strike out so often, not due to holes in their own game, but because the woman simply doesn't want to be picked up.
Like I said, I would voice my concern, I would tell her how much it would make me uncomfortable and how I don't approve considering the environment, but...
... in the end she is her own woman. If she is so irresponsible that she would cheat on me in that kind of environment, then chances are, she'd cheat in another. It is the whole 'enabling' argument. Keep her away from triggers, like random guys hitting on her. But really, if a woman has that weak of a will and needs to be lead around like a child, and needs to be told what to do "for her own good", then is she really the kind of mature person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Yeah, women back then did depend on men since men had a lot more power in the home. And since they directly depended on his income. But with that kind of power, there comes a lot of responsibilities. women were practically expected to be dutiful, giving and putting husband and kids above herself. However a man was also expected to provide and protect his family, by whatever means necessary. It was a mans duty to put food on the table, and im sure a lot of men who were poor or in the lower middle class range, had a hellot of pressure to live up to those expectations, especially since it was the norm that he was the sole provider. So i think while women had a lot of duties , and her femininity was defined by how well she performed, im also sure that a mans masculinity was intertwined to how he performed and provided. Back then there were very rigod gender rules and everyone had to abide by them, men and women. Even today, some men feel like they have to be the primary provider
And that I feel is no longer an issue. Women are becoming far more independent and want a man who is also independent. That isn't to say that both sexes can't support one another and that the man can't be a good leader, role model, assertive, and confident.
Also, women can be jealous of their men too! What if it was a guy who wanted to frequent college parties and get wasted? I'm sure his woman would be wary of him sleeping around too.
You can tell by a person's personality whether they will be irresponsible in a situation. If your woman is a huge flirt, very outgoing, has had a lot of flings in her past, then I'd question her values and decision making in a club or party situation. But if my woman was down-to-earth, good head on her shoulders, adored the fuck out of me, then why would I distrust her? If I felt there was something lacking, like say, in the bedroom, or something I wasn't doing that made her respect me less...
Altough, to be fair a lot of women also still have a pressure to be a good homemaker. This kind of feeling , o think is more apparent in people who grew up in more traditional families. Anyway, i guess you dont quite feel as badly as i tought about the old shool men, because i have a big problem with people who feel that way. Especially when men say that the guys in the old days were abusive, i just feel like saying "is that what you think of your own gender"?
I know i talk a lot about this, but i just always idolized the old school guys. My grandpa came from a village kinda background, so evwn 2 generations back things were very traditional for them. When i was a kid, my dad and my grandma ised to tell me stories about him and his brother who were a couple of badasses, fair and hard working, but wouldn't let anyone fuck with them, ever. I idolize guys like that, and i know that not all guys back in the day were cool, there were plenty of pussies and jerks, but i do think the kind
... then I'd probably have that sinking feeling like I need to step up my game. The same goes for handling your business at work, handling your business at home, or anywhere else. But then, if she is dissatisfied, it is only a matter of time. Caging her in isn't going to stop her. That is the society we live in and that is honestly how it should be.
On the flip side, if that is how it is now, where women have equal rights and freedom, which is awesome, then they need to stop demanding men lead them around and treat them like princesses. You want a King? Act like a damn Queen, not a little child looking for their second daddy.
Of hard lifestyle that those men lived, made them into some great caliber guys. I didn't think much of it, but the way my grandmas eyes were when she talked about him, wasn't something that i have seen in a lot of wives/gf's today. they dont have that kind of admiration for their partners. But im sure im idolizing them a bit too much for my own good. However i do think relationships where men take the lead usually work out better, and i do think setting down some rules and boundaries is perfectly acceptable.
But back to the point, yeah i get what you mean when you say, if she is irresponsible enough to have to be taken care of and looked after at all times, she isn't ready for a relationship.
I would say, i will trust my woman, naturally if im comfortable enough to be in a relationship with her. But i think people need to prove their loyalty in relationships, its not just something that you just hope for and then ignore for the rest of the relationship. Also, respect each other feelings.
If im saying that im adamant about not wanting my woman to go clubbing, without me, i think its too rebellious and inconsiderate of her to ignore me and go anyway. To me, thats a dealbreaker. Say if my girl had a hangup with something and she seriously, absolutely never wanted me to do it, i dont think i would do it. Making a few sacrifices, in a relationship, is pretty much a given. (at least in my opinion)
I get your view and i think your the type of guy that doesn't like being owned. As such, you wouldn't want to own a girl either.
For me i think a bit is okay, not necessary to the extent of really "owning" someone, but in the sense of some restrictions. Like say, if my girl demands that i can't go to stripclubs, if were gonne get commited, i wouldn't have any problems at all giving it up (then again, i dont even like them as much as some guys do) . Lets get a bit deeper, if a girl says she likes me, but i HAVE to give up smoking, thats a bit harder. But, i would do that for her.
Of course, now thats a bit harder. I would tell her that i would do it for her, but she has to give me a little time, and i would take her advice, or accept her help of she wants to help me. I would tell her about nicotine addiction, and ask her for a little time till i can get completely off it. (im sure i can get off amoking tough, i dont smoke that often, but im talking about a case if im really addicted).
Now if a girl asked me to stop drinking i would politely refuse. Thats not something i can do. I am not an alcoholic and i dont drink every day or even eveey week. But every ones in a while i really enjoy getting drunk. Its part of who i am. If that is a dealbreaker for a girl, its best to let her know early on. And actually i habe talked to a few girls who did conaider it a dealbreaker.
Now if i tell a girl that i dont want her to go out clubbing, and she refuses, thats a dealbreaker for me too. Not all girls wanna give that up, and she doesn't have to, but i dont have to put up
Good points. Im sorey, i have to refresh my page to see new replies, and i just typed away without doing so, and hadn't seen your latest 2 replies. I read them now.
@lord_chilled My bad bro, I didn't see your responses until just now. Yeah man, I agree. You have to pick your battles sometimes. Especially with the drinking and smoking. YOU have to want to change, she can't make you. Even if she wants you to, if she loved you and could look past it, she would support you in your decision. The problem with smoking is that a guy might break his "promise", or have a few moments of relapse before he finally quits. A woman has to be prepared for that. Same with drinking. Maybe you just want to cut back for her, but at a few parties you end up having one too many and have to call a taxi. That is one of the things my EX got peeved about, she said she felt like she had to babysit me, which is stupid, because if I were on my own, I'd handle my own shit. I've done it before. Just goes to show you different people's mentalities when it comes to drinking and apparently she wasn't used to letting loose.
So it goes back to the point where a man has to decide for himself what he wants to do, what he wants to change or improve and to pick his battles.
I also highly respected my grandfather. My grandfather though wasn't a "badass" in the traditional sense. He didn't control my grandmother. He didn't boss her around. But he commanded respect never-the-less. And how did he do that? Well, he was stoic. He rolled with the punches. Things didn't stress him out that much. He rarely spoke, but when he did, it had weight. When he smiled, it was rare, fleeting, but warmed you right to the center. When he laughed, you couldn't help but laugh too, even though it was another rarity. And most of all, he was kind and never complained when someone called on him for his help. He was almost always there. My grandmother adored him and treated him like a king. Not because he exerted his dominance (at least around us), but because he was a man to be respected.
And he wasn't even that successful. My grandmother and grandfather raised my father and his brother on pennies at first. They scrimped and saved, and slowly built up wealth and helped out my father get his first house. They lived through WW2 and knew what it was like to have to ration food and supplies. My grandmother was very dutiful and traditional, and she was always very beautiful and had many guys try to court her. She didn't even like my grandfather at first, but he persisted and won over her heart. He was just a navy sailor without a strong personality, but a wisdom that was as deep as an ocean.
I will tell you what... you won't see that much nowadays. Many modern woman want sparks to fly, a super confident alpha man, or a guy who has something exceptional to offer.
My grandfather worked as an electrician for a city police department. He was humble, but he was a man of honor. We need more men like that these days and that is the kind of man I was raised to be...
... although I have struggled with various traumas, traumas that are numerous. I try not to live in my past, but I can't pretend those things did not affect me. That said, I am not going to resign myself, I still am inspired by the gentleman of the world, the men who constantly strive to improve themselves but don't to go against their core believes and good values to achieve their greatness.
Yeah ur right, but being with a girl can give you an incentive. Like atm , i dont feel like i need to give up either. I know that smoking is dangerous and i keep it to a minimum. As for the drinking, i make sure i dont go overboard. If i was with a girl, i would be more worried cos i dont wanna give her second hand smoke, i also dont wanna die and lose her 😁. So a woman would give me a reason to, and if she demanded for me to quit, that would be even more effective. But yeah, she would have to give me a little bit leeway, or a given time period, where i try not to relapse, and where she wouldn't take it too personal if i did, before im completely over it. Here's another one. Porn. I think a lot more guys can relate to this one , than the smoking one. A ton of men watch porn, occasionally or regularly. A lot of women dislike and outright hate it when their guy watches porn. A lot of then ask for it to stop. Is it reasonable?
A lot of guys think its unreasonable. For a guy we just can't see it as a big deal. But it actually hurts a lot of women. They feel like were fantasizing of being with the pornstar on screen rather than being with her. Its pretty understandable. And i have to say, i would give it up for a girl. In fact, i think it actually doesn't do anything good for a couples sex life. People were having sex wayy before porn. And i dont think jerking off or putting your energy into erotic viewing material is gonna help the relationship.
As for the drinking, i think thats too much a part of me, for me to give it up. im sorry about the situation with your ex. I do think the effects of drinking were more of a problem to her than the drinking itself. But the her having to take care of you sounded like a lame excuse to me too. In a relationship, sometimes you take care of each other. What do you do when you are sick? I have taken care of drunk dudes and some girls who were at my place, that i didn't even
I dont know if its because guys back then had more character than guys now, or if its because girls today just have inflated egos and think too highly of themselves, but back then women appreciated an average man. They appreciated a man for being a man, and could adore their partners while they were in a relationship.
Women today dont appreciate average. Like you said , they want the alpha, the most excellent man. I do think its because girls really think they deserve that, and have something to offer in return, when they dont.
See girls, when your daddy calls you his little princess, that means you mean the world to HIM, not that you mean that to the world.😂😂 After this girls watch disney movies, think of themselves as the princess, and start expecting their perfect 10/10 prince. Smh
I can relate to you preserving your values and beliefs in this world. I haven't been trough as many struggles as you did, but i hope i can stay true to myself as well. Keep it up man
* i didn't even know. I hadn't finished my line before i typed in the last paragraph (before this one)
Also its very nice hearing how you described your granddad. You sure seem to be very fond of him. Im glad you got to spend time with him, i actually never met either of my granddads only heard the stories.
@lord_chilled yeah I know there are still mature women out there who know better.
As for men, as long as we know that power over others is weakness disguised as strength and that true power is within, then we can access that power at any time.
It might not be that he's intending to control you. It might be that he loves you and is feeling insecure and scared that you might meet someone else there and he might lose you. Maybe something happened in a previous relationship he had? I think it would be good to have a discussion (at a time when you're both calm and not upset with each other) about why he doesn't like you going there. Then if you can reassure him that whatever he's worried about isn't going to happen (and from what you say in the question is probably isn't), maybe you can reach a compromise on that issue.
I personally don't think that jealousy is necessarily a bad thing depending on what you want. It could mean that he has really strong feelings for you and you can have a very close relationship. If you want that, then it could be a good thing. If you want a more casual, less close relationship then it's probably not. Hopefully over time, if he becomes more secure that he won't lose you, the jealousy will lessen.
There seems to be a lot of sentiment for dumping him because he's insecure. Without knowing more, it's hard to say but I think you could be throwing away what might be a good relationship if you do that. Feel free to contact me directly if you'd like to discuss more what I think might be happening, why it's not necessarily bad, and what you might be able to do to resolve it.
It's been a while since you posted this question. I'm curious what the resolution was. Have you worked out something you are both satisfied with regarding this issue?
It all depends. How he feels about you going to the club may be because he's drank with you before and knows how you get, then looking at it from that perspective he sees you putting yourself in a bad situation. Or maybe he doesn't trust your friends. Or maybe he doesn't like his girlfriend going to an environment that is designed for girls and guys to meet eachother, when he's not there.
If it's just about dancing there are places to go to learn salsa dancing (or other styles) or events where dancing is the central theme. While a bar/club is about the social male/female interactions and dancing/drinking/music is all just used to fuel that. If you girls are going out alone, then all the single girls are going out so they can get looks, get hit on and put themselves in an environment where something can happen, while enjoying that environment with their friends who hopefully are having good things happen. It's not JUST dancing.
So I can see why your boyfriend would feel uncomfortable with his girl going somewhere where something can happen. Even if that's not the goal. It's still that kind of environment. That said, I'm not saying you should just listen and not go at all. Just trying to help you see where he might be coming from so you can have an actual talk about it, without it turning into a fight.
General rules for serious relationship deal breakers: 1. Lack of Trust 2. Lack of communication 3. Feeling manipulated
If he can't trust you, then you have a problem. If you can't trust him then you have a problem. If you can't talk about something that's bothersome without someone getting overly defensive so much so that it turns into a fight. Where you have to get past that to even begin to talk about the problem, then life will be very very hard. Same goes for feeling manipulated or guilted by someone. If you're constantly getting a guilt trip it's hard to have a happy relationship.
Well, he isn't being controlling with you. but you don't have to date him if you like that kind of scene. I don't like people who does your lifestyle, so I would not date somebody like that. I don't know if you both talked about this BEFORE you became official but if he knew before, then it's shame on him. He can't tell you what to do because he isn't married to you to give that authority. But if you want to be around that mess, then you will have to date somebody who likes that scene too. It was your choice to listen and stay home. He doesn't have to date you if he can't accept your lifestyle choices.
here's the thing. The only reason guys go to clubs, is to fuck. We go there, we scan the area, try to hit on some chicks, maybe get lucky, most often not, and if not have a drink with some friends and go home
Guys know that, and thats why we dont want our gf's to go clubbing. Why would any guy want their girl to be in a place full of guys that just wanna fuck? You wouldn't call a woman crazy for not wanting her husband to go to stripclubs or flirt with hookers for his "guy's night out". Thats just normal, he cares about you. And all men are a bit possessive/protective. We want our girl to be ours, else whats the point in calling you his girlfriend anyway?
Tbh i would act the same as him, IF i was in the same situation. But i dont date girls that go clubbing anyway
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2 Reply
Asker
+1 y
Why does what someone else do affect what I do?
Most guys like to have multiple girls. Should I not trust him because of that?
Answer to the first question: Pattern recognition, usually people who tend to do similar things tend to be similar. May not always be the case, but it is, more often than not. Which are you gonna place your bets on?
For the second one, most guys do not wanna have multiple girls. Like, where did that come from? Where did you get that? I know 2 guys, literally 2 guys out of all my friends, who fit that stereotype.
Usually boys who say "clubbing is for whores" is either a whore themselves or doesn't have any women in their lives besides their mom, who they treat like shit. Ignore them darling.
It seems you and your boyfriend can't come to a compromise. If you can't be happy in your relationship, then why have one? And fuck that saying "If you love each other then you should work it out" because it's not love if both of you are unhappy. His own insecurities are his business. And the fact that he's treating you as if you're an ex girlfriend who's given him a reason not to trust you before is simply toxic.
Don't let anyone control your life. You should end it.
hi I am the older version of you. I to loved to go out dancing with my friends at the same age. I HAD a long term boyfriend that didn't want me to go out clubbing. I found out that he would sneak out to pubs and clubs with his mates, he would lie to me and say that he was tired and wanted to go home to sleep. I found out because I'm a woman and women are not stupid. I broke it off with him a short while after that, it was just one of many things.
He had an engagement ring for me but I could see that he wasn't ready to settle down. I made the smartest decision of my life and called it quits. I went out and had so much fun with my friends.
Do what you want to do honey. I don't regret anything even though I had my heart broken a few times. Got a DJ in trouble with his girlfriend one night because he looked at me for a little too long. I knew the bouncers and male dancers at my favourite clubs so I never had to wait in line to get in, I was the social butterfly. I partied from 21 to 24 and then decided enough was enough. I replied to a few personal adds in the newspaper and that's how I met my husband.
He’s showing you his true self so think long and hard if you want to live being controlled for no reason than a guys unfounded insecurities. I love, love, love my girls nights out and my boyfriend is happy for me to go have fun with them. Just like I’m happy when he sees his buddies. Does your boyfriend go out with just his guy friends ever?
The question is does your boyfriend's boys night include him going to strip club or a place he's likely to be hit on? I'm sure the dude is fine with her going out with her friends but not if it's somewhere that can lead to something bad.
@CanadianNinja you act like when girls go out we’re either actively looking to cheat on our boyfriends or are so completely helpless to the powers of cheesy pickup lines. SMH.
No, I'm just saying it's not a good idea to put yourself in a situation and place where it's easy for something to go wrong and where it happens often.
@CanadianNinja If you're attractive, you will be hit on no matter where you go. That's a given. I get hit on when I'm walking to the store. Should I not be able to go outside?
@SarahsSummer what I meant by where something can go wrong is that clubs are notorious for girls being taken advantage of when drunk, same with parties. Especially when you're dressing to show everything off.
@Asker I'm talking about places that have a higher rate of it happening and are known for such things, such as a club. In this case he really doesn't like it because you're willingly putting yourself in a place where you know it occurs often
@CanadianNinja so again, you think we are these helpless creatures that need a strong man with us when we go where there’s dancing and drinking going on. Smh.
No, I don't think either gender should put themselves in a situation that can lead to anything bad, especially when they know it's a place that leads to such things. He shouldn't go out clubbing without you and you shouldn't go out clubbing without him.
@CanadianNinja I don’t know what crime infested part of Canada you live but where I live it’s a pretty affluent safe coastal town. You’re young but relationships don’t work when the couple have to be together wherever they go. Girls night out shouldn’t have to be a big production where a chaperone is required. We look out for each other and just have fun together.
I don't live in a crime infesyed part of Canada but you're refusing to understand how he feels. You only want to look at it from your point of view. He doesn't want you going to clubs because there's a decent chance that you could hook up with a guy there or have other guys hit on you, just as I'm sure you wouldn't like if he went to a place where he could easily hook up with anybody or have girls hit on him all the time.
@CanadianNinja and I’m trying to educate you that if a couple is happy together, nothing will “go wrong” regardless of where you go without your partner.
I dont want my girlfriend going out to clubs getting drunk or anything either thats not controling if he was beating u up and making u do everything he says thats one thing but he just cares about u and wants u to be safe, and if u wanna reduce it to somthing childish like "you dont tell me what i can or can't do" then maybe your not fit for a serious monogamous relationship
Far too immature and controlling, using emotional blackmail to stop you doing something unless he is there. What else is he going to try and stop you doing just because men are there?
I guess he has guys nights out where he goes out with friends without you.
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Asker
+1 y
I encourage it. I don't need to be around when he's with his friends all the time. That's their friend time. He can see me later!
He's concerned bc a lot of stupid shit can happen out of a night out of drinking and dancing. Any right minded person like your boyfriend knows you can't know any guys intentions or trust all the guys out there. Its put of being protective. If you two can't talk it out and compromise, just break up. You're being immature and childish by being close-minded and justifying your behavior thinking he just wants to control you when he probably just wants to protect you and make sure you're safe when he's not around.
6
3 Reply
Asker
+1 y
Whenever I go out, whether it's the store, school or just taking a walk, I get hit on. Guys follow me down the street. Men say weird things to me. Even some of my teachers make it known they're attractive to me. He can't protect me everywhere.
Obviously he can't protect you anywhere. But there's a difference. You can't avoid going to school or the store bc there's a real purpose to going there. You can avoid going out to wherever you wanna go drinking and dancing bc it's not like you have to go.
Now there are a lot of ways that you could take this whole thing but I'm going to give you a few questions to answer.
1. Do you feel like you can't hang out with your friends of family? 2. Do you feel like you can't have a life outside of your boyfriend without him getting upset? 3. Does he get angry when you talk to other guys even if it's innocent or task oriented? 4. Does he make comments that you can't tell if he is joking or insulting you on a regular basis? (4+ times a week) 5. Does he threaten to leave you every time he is upset with you and do those threats usually result in you giving him what he wants? 6. Does he make you feel worried about what might happen if you actually get him mad?
If the answer to 3 or more of those questions is yes, you need to leave him immediately! Those are early signs of an abusive person. He will get worse and you cannot change or stop that no matter how much you love him.
If your boyfriend can't trust you he shouldn't be with you. Life's too short to miss out on what you want because of fear of loss. I don't think he realizes that women get hit on every where. I personally like the local grocery store. I mean if my girlfriend was against me going out, I'd go out and call her while I was there and tell her where I was. It's not like I'd cheat, but her not wanting me to be there makes me want to. So do what you want. Don't be afraid of losing him because you will lose him eventually.
All these opinions are a joke. None for these guys probably even have women, why would someone without a girl know how to keep one? They don't. Look at who you take advice from before you fill your head with thoughts.
He's not insecure OR controlling, period. He simply analyzed the scenario and thought logically like how majority of men would think. He cares about you and your safety. Going late at night, intoxicating yourself around guys, then dancing poses a risk. He's not scared you'd cheat on him, he's scared something would happen and he wouldn't be able to protect you. It would be immature of you to send a relationship because you want a night to get wasted around other men.
We don’t even know that she is getting drunk. Just that she is drinking. If you think that threatening to break up with someone in order to get what you want is at all an appropriate, mature, or healthy way to approach relationship problems, then your opinion is the biggest joke of all.
She said in another comment that she doesn't get wasted. She has 1 drink and then she's done.
And ever consider that maybe she doesn't need his protection? On the off chance that this girl is approached by a monster who wishes to assault her, I assume she's with her friends and she's not alone. Plus clubs have bouncers for that very reason. In any case, she's an adult and doesn't need her boyfriend to act as her babysitter.
What topic? Her getting drunk? YOU brought it up, in mentioning intoxication as a justification for her boyfriend’s concerns. And yes, if she was getting out-of-hand drunk all the time, that would be a valid concern. But that is not what is happening, plus an ultimatum is still the wrong way to go. You either resolve the issue through communication and compromise, or you break up, but you do not hold the threat of a breakup over someone in order to manipulate them and control them using fear. That is bordering on emotional/verbal abuse, and it’s not healthy for anyone involved.
Woww you started off strong then quickly lost me. 90% chance he is being a little insecure bitch. Yes girls get hit on at the club but he has to trust her to do the right thing. The main reason she's upset is not that she can't go clubbing or to the bar but because his lack of trust and his audacity to think he can tell her what to do. We're not in the middle East you women have free will.
@samhradh_leannan I'm referring to mentioning a breakup in a relationship.
@That1tallguy She's free to do as she pleases. If there's something her man dislikes she should be able to respect it or talk it out. Same goes for him. I'm saying a relationship won't last if you still treat it as if you're solo. I don't think it's because he's insecure, that's just some pussy shit no offense.
You’re arguing that he’s “not insecure or controlling, period.” But he obviously is, because he’s resorting to such unhealthy, controlling, manipulative ways to address the problem. So, no, it’s not counterproductive to bring it up. It’s entirely relevant to he conversation.
@samhradh_leannan I'm not referring to you so relax. My goal in life isn't to attack you nor am I even arguing with you. I'm saying he shouldn't have brought it up because it's counterproductive, so neither should she.
Respecting your SO and your relationship doesn’t mean allowing them to control your every move, to throw tantrums and give ultimatums right and left to get what they want. Wanting to spend some time with your friends, to go out, and have fun, does not mean that you’re acting like a single person. As long as she’s not crossing lines with other guys, she is not acting like a single person. I think there’s definitely the possibility of a reasonable compromise in this scenario, but an ultimatum is not a compromise.
Lol okay, maybe be a little more specific next time. It was natural to assume that you were referring to something I said when I was tagged and nobody else was mentioned.
Obviously y’all aren’t good for eachother. You’re into partying [not saying it’s a bad thing] and he’s not. Y’all will always disagree on this topic unless one of y’all compromises and even then, it won’t work. You stop enjoying yourself because of him, you’re not going to be happy and you may even start to resent him for it
Hi, It's all about trust. Your boyfriend is insecure and doesn't like you to go out because he fears that you may be hit on and meet someone else.
Your boyfriend needs to realise that he expects you to be hit on, after all he hit on you, he needs to see that other guys hitting on you is a compliment to his good taste in women.
He also needs to understand that it's you that makes the decision to hook up with another man and because you chose him, then you're not going to hook up with anyone else.
He needs to relax and trust you or he will lose you.
Hun, with reading your info about your question there are red flags. He could be insecure or just controlling. You don't need someone like that as a partner Hun. I would suggest try talking to him, try to make a reasonable compromise where your able to have your freedom, and if he's not willing to then you need to leave so that you don't get hurt. Please feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to.
Wishing you the best.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
This is a tough situation and you both are in the right. Most people's gfs I know dont go out without there bfs, maybe every once in a while but its not a frequent thing. Also it depends on the girl if I would want her out or not. It never looks good for a girl to be out at a club without her boyfriend and other single girls. Usually this always goes two ways with guys either he cares about you and doesn't want you going out or he really doesn't care that much about you and doesn't give if a shit if you go out and he'll have no problem breaking up with you and replacing you with someone else if it becomes a problem. Relationships never go well when the other person is always going out without them, it causes a lot of arguments but like I said every once in a while should not be a problem but honestly it really all comes down to trust.
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