How do I get my boyfriend to try harder in our relationship?

[Anonymous]

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years and things are great, for the most part. I know he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and I know he feels the same way, but sometimes I feel like I dote so much over him and don't receive the same. I know I put so much more into our relationship than he does and it's like he has stopped trying to keep making me fall more and more in love with him because he is comfortable with the relationship and he knows he already has me and I'm not going anywhere. He isn't a very social person. He doesn't like to be around large groups of people and every time I ask him to go out like to a club, bar, or party (friend AND family parties) it's like I'm asking him to chop off a finger. In the end he goes if I practically beg him to, but sometimes he makes an annoyed face the whole time and I can't really enjoy myself because I am too busy worrying about him having a horrible time. we are 5 years apart he's 26 I'm 22. I want to go out and do different things but since he's already been through that stage he doesn't want to go over it again. It really sucks. I try to tell him how I feel but I know guys aren't really into "feelings" and he just assumes I'm being overly sensitive, PMSing, or depressed. He hasn't really done anything romantic lately and I simply want things to be like they were in the beginning. I know that will never happen but I want to get somewhat close to those feelings again. I know I could go out by myself with friends but then what's the point of having a boyfriend? I don't want to go dance with other guys or anything like that. I always do things for him and try my hardest to make him happy. I'm beginning to think something is wrong with me...

I know this is long but to narrow it down, how can I make him understand how I am feeling and have him see things through my perspective? I don't want to change him but I want him to try harder. I have tried to maybe spend less time with him but it's too hard I want to see him as much as I can but I know he could care less if he got to see me or not. PLEASE HELP. I don't know what else I can do... :'(

Updates

+1 y

This might seem like all complaints but it's just because I'm hurt/focusing on the negatives.


Positives: he's loyal (never made me feel jealous), has never disrespected me, doesn't cuss around me, was my first and only and never rushed anything, has helped me through personal issues and never judged, he only gets me purple roses because that's my fav color, gave me a promise ring, is pretty patient, makes me laugh and takes away my worries. (These are just a few.)

[landingsight]

Asking him to try harder IS a change. Also, I'm a little worried about this "I know he could care less if he got to see me or not" bit, and the fact that he attributes all of your feelings to PMS or depression is really insulting and dismissive of him.

What is it about this guy that is making you want to spend your life with him? You've provided us with a nice wall of text that amounts to a bunch of complaints, but haven't provided any examples of nice things he does for you or ways that he makes you happy (does he make you happy? Why?).

If this isn't something you can live with for the rest of your life, you're going to have to either find some way to help him come out of his shell or find someone new who can provide you with the sociability and romance that you're craving. To the former, you mention taking him out to clubs and parties, which might not be the best places to get an introvert to open up. Have you tried setting up smaller social gatherings? Inviting one or two people over for dinner and some kind of group activity is a lot more intimate and easier on people who are socially withdrawn.

Is he familiar with your family and friends? If he won't listen to you tell him about your worries and the way you feel, he might listen to someone else. Another thing to try might be to get all your worries out in the form of a letter - a well-thought-out, plainly stated letter. I'm not sure if you tend to get emotional or upset, when talking to him about these things, but if you do, just having the words there for him to read might take that layer of "oh, she's just depressed" out of it.

You're not wrong for wanting to do sociable things and have a fulfilling romantic life with your partner - you just need to make sure that this is really important to you. You also need to consider what will happen if you try your hardest but nothing changes. Honestly, in that case, breaking up might be the best option for you. You need to think about this and let him know what you're thinking - if he's aware that this problem is so big that it's causing you to consider ending things, that might provide some perspective. I wouldn't advocate dangling that out there just to scare him, but if it comes up in your thoughts, be honest about it.

[Asker]

Thanks! This was really helpful. I guess it seems like a list of complaints because I am hurt and am mainly focusing on the negatives about him, but he is a great guy. I am definitely going to do the letter thing. I have tried in person but I get too emotional. I have tried small gatherings and it's the same. He has only 3 close guy friends and no girl friends that aren't mine. He's loyal and has never made me jealous.

[hot_princess7]

He's just not that into you anymore. Even though he will never say it.

Break up with him or move out or start ignoring him or at least keep your options open and don't stop looking for someone who is into you.

I swear this is the truth.

[bellybuttonlint]

Sometimes guys might hit that wall in the relationship, I think it's natural. However you can't force him out of it, that's what it looks like you are doing, and you might shy the guy away because of it.

Continually forcing him or persuading him into something he is not comfortable with usually means disaster. I think you should look for things where it is just you and him and no one else. Play video games together or read together.

[Asker]

I don't want to force him and I do play video games with him I bought a whole bunch of PS3 games and we go hiking a lot and outdoorsy things...I don't want to push him that's why I wanted a guy's perspective like how can I make him understand what I feel with out stressing him?

[bellybuttonlint]

Make sure you have a good 30 minutes or so to talk to him, alone in a quiet place like at home or something. It's better to be straight forward with guys instead of just letting it out slowly. Clearly he does not like big social situations, so why force him?

Besides, you can get a conversation started by intentionally playing his favorite game while he is with you.

[Asker]

We are alone 90% of the time we spend together. We have a pretty good relationship it's just that it's lacking romance/passion and almost feels like we're best friends with benefits. I don't know how to talk to a guy about feels without it seeming emotional like I can't expect him to straight up tell me how he's feeling because he and most guys don't work like that. How would you have a girl tell you there no more romance or passion and you need to work on that?

[bellybuttonlint]

You'd be surprised how guys are willing to let their feelings out...you just need the right time and place to do it. If a guy feels you will keep it between him and you, then he will let you know. You just have to assure him that when the conversation is over, no else will know about it.

[dave32xxx]

jeey I feel the same with my current girl I sometimes feel like she never really cares whether a day goes by without us communicating at the same time not too distant just maintaining some connection but not as it used to be I mean shez not as sweet anymore I totally don't know what to do about it lets help each other out

[Asker]

I think they are just comfortable with the relationship...I wish they could know that just because you are in love with someone and vice versa doesn't mean you stop wooing each other...sigh...how long have you guys been together?

[dave32xxx]

a year now,it feels so bad I mean I still love her llke we just 3 months on I like feeling that strong connection like you literally would die without them bt damm shez cold.

[NonchalantBro]

...and you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

[Asker]

Yeah... :/ it's pretty complicated. I mean he's everything I wanted and though it may seem pretty bad from what I explained above, we have a lot of great moments. He's a pretty good boyfriend but lately it's like he's TOO comfortable with how things are that he doesn't really try anymore and I just need HIM to see that...He needs a rude awakening or something...