Why I’m not most guys cup of tea?

[Daniellep1995]

Well here I am, a 27 year old female that overall is doing well in all areas of life but the love department. I’ve gone through a number of experiences that have resulted in the guy pulling away whether it was in dating or a couple relationships. One ex said I was fun but that I didn’t show up in excitement enough. This may have been because he was was controlling, ocd about something’s, and didn’t always have the best energy himself. The reason my recent ex just pulled away is because he said the passion faded. He also didn’t like the fact that I’m on social media doing content even though it’s just a creative outlet (none of it is bad or provocative, more playful) and the fact that I want to start a cafe someday.

Anyways, something else about me is that I’m also introverted. I am an INFP personality. We are known to be healers, mediators, idealists, and deep thinkers.
I am also someone that always has the growth mentality and is trying to look for ways to better myself. But still I fall short in the love department. Not to mention, guys don’t do closure so how do you really know where or why things went south.

So I’m left truly wondering now about the Potential of singleness forever. I feel like I can’t sustain a long relationship. To be honest, I don’t think I’m what most guys are looking for. Because I’m a deep thinker type, introverted, and to some come off as being serious… I don’t consider myself that serious though, I’m chill and have my playful and fun moments, I’m adventurous and open to new things. It’s hard to not blame myself. I know I’m not a 10 on hotness scale so not every guy will like my look. Now I’m just trying to get comfortable being at peace being with just myself forever, no dramatic effect to this, just realness. I can’t be something I’m not and I truly have no excitement to date anymore because I could just be letting another one in that will hurt or abandon me. So that’s that

[caring__1]

Rather than beating yourself up, you may want to rethink the type of guys you're drawn to. Guys worth having as partners generally shy away from those who are a 10 on the hotness scale. Looks don't last, are often superficial, and the higher numbers are often high maintenance.

Make a list of all the qualities you're drawn to about guys. Next to each quality, list the negatives you've seen in guys with this quality. For instance, if I were to focus on physical aspects I'm drawn to about women, I would generally be disappointed. I'm not drawn to society's ideal, so women who have the look I appreciate the most tend to feel defective and inadequate (just like your tendency to put yourself down). It's miserable living with someone who doesn't feel good about what she brings to the relationship.

Once you have this list, focus on the qualities that have the fewest negatives attached, and make sure there are no negatives in areas that are important to you.

It's not about turning yourself into something others are attracted to but finding those who are attracted to you for the person you already are. For every type of person, there are people who are drawn to that type of person. Ignore all the responses here that say you don't measure up. You probably wouldn't want to be with someone who freely criticizes anything different from them and expects you to be a clone of them.

Nothing you mentioned about yourself would prevent you from having a healthy relationship. If you want your relationships to last, prioritize making sure both of you always feel safe, secure and special. Be an active equal participant in keeping your relationship new and alive. Keep responsibility and playfulness balanced. Be considerate of your partner, and never focus on any sense of entitlement. If you'd like more information, feel free to ask.

[xColinx]

I think like many of us you just haven't yet had a relationship that fully clicked/developed and that's ok... long-term relationship compatibility is a tricky thing. Too many peeps try to force the issue and then look how many unhappy relationships there are (where peeps just stay together & go through the motions) and then also obviously the consistently high divorce rates.

Try not to overthink it in a way that starts to build internal pressure or anxiety. Nothing wrong of course with trying to be self-aware and able to recognize our own opportunities for self-improvement, but in general it's more important to focus on the positive attributes/features you have. Simply put, self-confidence makes a huuuge difference... from first noticing a girl, to then being in a relationship with her, and everything in between.

Don't start thinking about singleness forever... you'll psych yourself out and start building up these random mental hurdles that get in your way of potential relationship opportunities. Is there anyone you're currently interested in?

[Daniellep1995]

I appreciate your advice. It’s helpful. Threaded no one I’m currently interested in. Most of my friends are paired and they don’t have guy friends that would be right or compatible for me. It’s hard to meet guys these days.

[Beatrix7]

your a pretty women am sure a lot of men would like ypu out there because a few men tell you that doesn't mean every guy will just learn to handle that some men may not like you but there's always some people that dont like other people and some thst do there are so many men in the world just beileve ure beautiful hunni cause ure a lovley girl there's always a special someone out there for everyone when u find them u will know

[jennifer_bloom]

Men like confident, calm and opinionated woman. If you're not confident or calm, you could look very very good and men will still not feel secure around you. Peace and relaxation increases with age.

[Daniellep1995]

Yeah, I think when I start to develop a true liking for the last guy, that’s when I started to get a little more insecure in the last couple weeks and I may have come across to agreeable at times out of wanting him to like me. A weakness of my personality type is that we can fall sometimes into people pleasing and want to avoid conflict. This may have been the reason. Now I’m just trying to get comfortable speaking up and not giving an eff what people think about me. Also within the last couple weeks of things ending, I did kind of have a stressful week which I’m sure got across. But oh well

[Daniellep1995]

Typically though, I am a calm peaceful person that doesn’t like drama or conflict

[jennifer_bloom]

You just need a guy that is compatible with you in personality and life mission. Sometimes a good match takes time to find but if your kind and cautious, he will appear.

[Guy13]

You obviously are in the wrong part of USA. You would “bring good money” and “auction off fast” in the The South. Texas all the way to North Carolina.

You have both a “Bless Your Heart” description and look. Guess you like the cheese 🧀 and snow ❄️

[Daniellep1995]

Why thank you! I’m actually heading to north and South Carolina over the next couple days for the first time!

[Guy13]

Seriously and without hesitation you should consider RTP NC. There are more PhD per capita in Raleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill than anywhere in the world 🌎 🌍 🌏. It is a very Man heavy area but that demographic is slowly changing. East Coast Silicon Valley is there, International PHARMA, Duke, UNC, NCSU etc are within 45 minutes of each other. Every booming area always needs teachers.
I know this stuff because I am a landlord with residential property internationally.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. On a hotness scale, I would rate you 8/10. You have a simple beauty that suggests you will still be just as beautiful 30 years from now.

2. "I don’t think I’m what most guys are looking for." Yo dont need to be what MOST guys are looking for. You only need to be what one guy is looking for, if he is what you want.

[Anonymous]

If you take a step back and look at the situation objectively you should be able to see that the reason those relationships ended is essentially all the same, its because they werent right for one or both of you and presumably you dont actually want to be in a relationship which isn't working so its completely fine that you are single, this status is vastly superior to wasting your time in something that doesn't work or worse still being trapped in an unhealthy situation.

Dating is very difficult and more so when you are not at the apex of the bell curve, average people will match with more people simply by virtue of them being average.

Again, I can't imagine why you would want to be a humdrum, stock, off the shelf, interchangable, average person.

You are only 27 years old, I didn't even know who I was until my mid 20's nevermind have any idea who might be compatible with me.

You should continue to work on yourself, self love and validation etc, trying to be the most fully realised version of your authentic self as you can be and while you are doing that try to live a lifestyle in which you are exposed to new people so that opportunities are created.

[wolferbørg]

Haha. I get you. INFP as well. In my experiences, I learned how to be open; honest and direct. Sometimes I’d be deep in random thoughts while they’re expecting me to be as elated as them about something, then I’d catch myself and say “Oh sorry! I was thinking 😆” something like that and laugh it off. Then that would re-engage me with them. I noticed that they’re more understanding when I’m straightforward like that, opposed to just brushing it off (which they could interpret as me being uninterested or distant). It sometimes opens more opportunities for an interesting and fun conversations too!

[Daniellep1995]

Oh that’s awesome! It’s nice to meet another infp! I feel like we are a more rare personality but that is actually super helpful because I know sometimes we can appear aloof or distant.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

A cup a tea you may not be & so much more than a cup a tea you will always be. You say you know you’re not a 10 on the hotness scale & if truth be told you are on a higher scale & you just haven’t realized it yet. In life I always say if you never try you will never know & as for you never stop trying. In life I always say you should never give up, you should never give in & most of all you should keep moving forward no matter what.

You say you are chill & you have your playful & fun moments & I think that is wonderful. You say you are adventurous & you are open to new things & I think that is wonderful as well. As for you a cup a tea you are not, you are hot chocolate baby!

[loveslongnails]

Seems like I've had this talk with you before. My advice is still the same - please stop arguing for your limitations..." But still, I fall short in the love department." Love is not a department, it's what you want in your life, and you want it to be reciprocal. It's you seeking the right spiritual, mental and physical match.

So what if you're more introvert than extrovert? Again, that's not a limitation. And you're plenty good looking, so none of these things are holding you back. You just haven't met the right guy yet. Who was it that said "you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince?"

[lightbulb27]

Could be dating skills, communication skills. A lot of guys are looking for a project, and you aren't one. You can find ways of speaking his love language.

Given you sound empathetic and healthy, learn how to identify the "narcissistic" spectrum people and remove them. They would be drawn to you. If you ever start to feel torn down and lose yourself, that is why... they probably are.

You have to learn to play the dating game and pull him in. Aggressive girls are winning those guys. As well, maybe you are just picking wrong guys, so look in places you wouldn't normally look.

hopefully you find someone worthy to make a good start with.

[Lionman95]

Reading your description that your problem might be that you didn´t find the right guy. Generally it might sound hard but don´t compare yourself to others since it always take two people to come together at the right time and the right place to fall in love.
As this is the case there might be reasons that it didn´t happen in your life yet you don´t see yet. Don´t give up because dating is generally harder these days not only for you women but also for us guys. Many guys struggle with dating and have a hard time figuring what they want or look for so they be patient and I hope you find someone.

[mickmrly]

You look nice, you dress nice and you seem to be nice as well. I think that you just had a few bad experiences and are feeling a bit of despair at the moment. If I was to guess why you are not matching well with the guys these days, it would be that finding a good person is really hard these days regardless of gender. We get up, go to work, go home and then relax for a bit before doing it all again the next day. There are not many opportunities to find people, let alone good people. I’d say you should try going out a bit more and just relax for a while. Chill and get some good vibes from going to a charity group or volunteering somewhere. I am almost your personality type (INFJ) and just interacting with people in a positive way helps me to relax when I’m feeling down and lost.
Sometimes life doesn’t seem to make sense but try and stay happy and healthy if you can so that when your next relationship opportunity comes you will be ready for it.

[MCheetah]

Are you Trans? Not trying to be rude; legitimately asking, cause that makeup is a bit much and it makes you look trans here.

Anyway, assuming you are actually "a driven, ambitious, sweet, caring, silly, compassionate, honest, smart, intuitive, and a little shy girl," I don't think you'll have any issues finding someone. I myself am "a deep thinker type, introverted, and to some come off as being serious…" MY problem though, is that I'm short, ugly, and overweight. So that is why I AM alone. But you don't look short (not that that's even an issue for a girl) or overweight.

So assuming your personality description is accurate, you sound like a catch. You just have to be patient and not be overly entitled, to find the right one.

[Summeroflove]

Because. I believe in soul mates. I think there is only one person whose the right fit for you and you’re the right fit for him.

Sometikes things don’t work out. It does not mean there is something wrong with you. It also does not mean there is something wrong with who you’re dating. It simply isn’t meant to be.

There is conflicts of interest as far as dating standards go. Have different interests and stuff in life. Don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things. The list goes on.

You simply have not found “the one” yet.

[Anonymous]

You're beautiful, sound very intelligent, and sound like you've met some poor quality controlling guys. Jealousy and possessiveness over creative content on social media is not ok.

What kinds of men are you into? I don't want to blame you for the outcomes of your relationships, but there's literally nothing wrong with you that I can see visually or intellectually, so I'm left to conclude that either the men around you suck, or you're not picking or excited by good ones.

[Daniellep1995]

I thought the last guy was a good guy. We both shared similar values and he seemed genuine but of course he said passion faded which seems so incredibly trivial to me but is what it is. I did feel like it was hard to build a deeper connection with him. Felt most of our convos were surface based and like he couldn’t get deeper. But I’m just looking for a good Christian guy that I’m attracted to and will treat me right.

[Opinion Owner]

I understand what you mean. Sometimes you start a conversation with somebody and it never really "gets" anywhere, you just go in circles talking about how your day went and what you want for dinner and then it's over. For a guy like that, it'll be hard to connect on a deeper level, as often those people don't even really have the introspection to know what they themselves think.

The "passion faded" line sounds like an excuse to me. It sounded like he just believed that he had a right to determine what and how you behaved online. Men generally do want a bit of control over the relationship, but that amount of it is excessive and not ok. You were doing something that you enjoyed and meant a lot to you.

Don't feel down on yourself. Learn to distribute blame where blame should lie, as sometimes the most kind hearted among us are the least kind to themselves. God bless.

[Fireguy17]

You will be fine, and find that someone specuial.
yes it blows big bazby chunks when things do not work out, but that has happened to all of us at least once, more like multiple times.
But you dust yourself off, pull yourself up by your boot straps, paste a smile on your face and get right back in there and try again, and probably a few more times.
In order to find that someone special you need to take the risk of it hurting again.
the body is a marvelous thing, it really doesn't remember pain.
yes, you can look back on it, but it subsides and fades away.
Leaving you ready to try again.
You are still very young, something you won't realize until you get older.
So keep trying, you will find someone, and until then, enjoy life, others will pick up on that and be much more receptive to meet you.

[bamesjond0069]

1. "the fact that I’m on social media doing content" no go zero exceptions. Content creators are undateable.

2. "it’s just a creative outlet (none of it is bad or provocative, more playful)" so delusional... women who do not live in reality are undateable.

3. "the fact that I want to start a cafe someday" who will watch the kids and keep the house clean? Ok for casual but your long term plans do not compliment most men's long term plans.

4. Everything else you said was just gibberish nonsense that has nothing to do with anything.

[ericclayton]

"Most guys" is a misnomer. Lots of different people out there to fit together with. Just put yourself out there, be confident, and let the chips fall where they may. Social interaction doesn't have to end in marriage, just have fun socializing with people.

[Blueeyes81]

Find comfort in knowing you are not alone. I have had 6 relationships (5 or 6 that were really short lived or were "it's complicated" that I don't count) but none have passed the 6 month mark. I'm a INTJ and almost every one that I was given a reason was that I'm distant. It's second nature anymore to keep my distance even moreso. I don't like being hurt but I also want love. So I go for it and then put up my guards. I haven't given up nor should you.

[MystiKaL]

You're very cute, you have a nice personality, you're not an extrovert and may be an empath, you're someone who men needs to spend time with to discover the real you.

Maybe broaden your horizons and date guys you wouldn't normally contemplate dating. There are so many guys out there that would love a lady like you in their lives.

[eagle1951]

My late wife and I were totally different,, but from our first date were knew we were meant for each other. never thought i would find anyone like her.

She was a Nurse who moved to Fort Wayne from Chicago I was a Medic at the time. I was bringing her in a Patient. this other Nurse working there had tried to date me for months but honestly, i did not like her, So on my way out this other Nurse gave me her number and on the other side gave me my late Wifes. 2 days later I called my wife we were married 37 years.

Guess my point is you keep looking, because you just never know.

[Shy_Steve]

You should approach more Shy Guys and talk to them.

It's not because of you, It's because of the Guys you are dating so just try the Shy Guys and Approach or Flirt with them because you are an Attractive Girl so it shouldn't be that hard.

[Cuddlekisser]

I am also a deep thinker. Unfortunately the more you think, the bigger your problems become. I don't know why that is. Probably some weird game of god?

Oh no, I don't believe in god. The problems we are facing on this planet are ultimately based on the fact that god doesn't exist. Food for your brain.

PS: Beautiful nose.