Is it normal for me to feel this way or am I just an irrational girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

After almost 3 years I still doubt my bf’s love for me because he doesn’t get sad without me for a few weeks like I do with him, he never makes plans for us to hang out and only does so when I get mad at him this makes me feel so bad, I’m always the one making plans for us to hang out or coming with ideas. When he’s gone for two weeks he just texts me never calls me, I didn’t answer him a few hours after work just to see if he worries about me he has not even texted me to see if I’m safe.

It seems like he only wants to be in a room with me and go out to eat and he’s fully content with that. I don’t know what it is but I just feel like something’s missing like if he doesn’t truly love me I just don’t see much emotion there. He always texts me that he loves me, always shows me affection in person, and he has plans for our future and I know that but I just feel like something’s missing and wonder if he truly loves me. When I was away at a different country for almost 3 weeks I was the one that suggested video chatting not him. I don’t know he is just so strange to me I always try to understand people’s personality types (he is a INTJ-A) but I’m the shyest person so I don’t understand him not asking to spend more time together like I do if he’s not shy. I also don’t know why but yesterday he left to a different state to hang out with his brother and he sent me a picture of himself looking the happiest that I’ve ever seen him without me. And I don’t know what got into me but I felt so sad. Also last year I was crying because I didn’t know how to be away from him for 3 weeks and he was smiling ear to ear while I was crying. That made me feel very bad because even in front of my family I seem to be the one that loves him more. I’m going to go to sleep now probably sad I don’t feel like texting him.

Updates

1 y

He never has even introduced me to his best friend or any friend even though he talks about me to him. And it’s embarrassing because my parents know.

[SnowedIn]

You're not an irrational girlfriend or person but I think that you and he are not well matched at all. It doesn't matter how much you care/love each other -- if you're not meshing well in the other areas it's all for naught. You'd do well to find someone more like you who can fill your emotional need.

[Asker]

Why do you feel that way? We are both calm and both introverted and sweet but he’s a more assertive kind of introvert than I am. He’s also the only person that I’ve completely opened up to because opening up to people is extremely difficult to me. Around him I feel safe. I understand where you’re coming from but I just don’t think that anyone should say that we’re not well matched for each other without knowing us. I think we’re very well matched and that he just doesn’t try hard enough and my family makes me feel worse about it.

[Asker]

It seems like he’s happy but I worry all the time when I’m not with him. And he should have learned from the past that spending time together is very important to me but he keeps on waiting until I get sad or mad. At the beginning of our relationship, we only hung out once a week until I started crying because I would miss him but before that he did not care that we only saw each other once a week. He also didn’t even ask me on a date until I told him that him not asking me on a date was weird. He is more assertive than I am and not shy so I do not understand him not wanting to spend more time with me and not making plans. If he doesn’t belong with me than who should he be with? An extrovert? Because they would definitely not understand him always wanting to hang out at home.

[SnowedIn]

Great question and great additional information. You asked in your response why I feel that way.
Here's why I think you're not well matched, from your words in your original post and your response to me:

"I still doubt my bf’s love for me"; and "he doesn’t get sad without me for a few weeks like I do with him"; and "he never makes plans for us to hang out and only does so when I get mad at him"; and "When he’s gone for two weeks he just texts me never calls me"; and "It seems like he only wants to be in a room with me and go out to eat and he’s fully content with that"; and "I was the one that suggested video chatting not him"; and "I don’t understand him not asking to spend more time together like I do"; and "I was crying because I didn’t know how to be away from him for 3 weeks and he was smiling ear to ear while I was crying"; and "He never has even introduced me to his best friend or any friend even though he talks about me to him." Every single one of those things points to things in you and him that are VASTLY different and are part of what makes you you and him him. This is NOT changeable stuff. This isn't like he doesn't pick up his socks or you leave makeup on the bathroom counter and you two need to learn to compromise and adjust. The things that you list are a baked in part of who each of you is as emotional individuals and as far as that goes, based on the words you've posted for us to consider, you're not emotionally matched.

[Asker]

Aren’t women always more emotional than men though? Isn’t it normal for one partner to be clingier? I just think the way that he is would be strange to not just me but to everyone.

[Asker]

Anyone would wonder if he says that he loves me why doesn’t he try to spend more time with me? Doesn’t everyone need more proof than I love you? If we’re both introverted if I don’t understand him I don’t know who will.

[Asker]

I am extremely introverted and I still don’t understand him.

[Asker]

Another thing that I have to add is that we both have the same goals for our future but we differ in the hanging out thing and I am more meedy.

[SnowedIn]

Responding to your most recent reply: I think that what you write about you being more needy and the difference in hanging out is really an underline to what I was trying to say. I'm not sure those differences can be bridged. You need something and it's a wonderful, valid, important need. Based on every single thing you've written, it doesn't sound like he can or even wants to meet those needs. That's a huge concern.

[Guy13]

I get why you feel that way as he is not putting effort into the relationship. If you have expressed your concerns an no changes then do not expect them if engaged or married. He seems happy with things the way they are now.

[FilmGuy93]

You want him to put in effort for you. That's not unreasonable. You guys just need to find a balance

[Asker]

Even on here. I am always told that I am overthinking. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’m just overbearing because he’s the only person I hang out with. The major things that I don’t understand are why he doesn’t get sad being away from me and why he never calls or goes out of his way to see me more unless I get pissed.

[Asker]

I also don’t feel like he worries about me. Now when i talk about my problem with my parents he just says that’s he’s sorry and changes the subject

[FilmGuy93]

It's just more of that lack of effort. The guy isn't expressive.

[jayhams]

You are assuming just because a person doesn't express thereselves in the same way you do that those feelings and thoughts don't exists.

[Asker]

I’m trying to understand him by looking up his personality type and everything. I am more introverted than him and I always try to spend more time with him. I don’t even think that he worries about me.

[jayhams]

You are over thinking it. Try to work on your level of communication you have between both of you. Just remember he could feel like he shows all those things you feel like you are missing in different ways that you don't recognize.

[Asker]

I feel like I’m the only one that gets sad. He never seems to miss me, no phone calls, today ge didn’t even check on me to see if i got home safe because my new job is far

[jayhams]

You are too into your own world. Like I said before. Different people express things differently from how you do. You are only seeing the world through your own eyes.