Guys, How do mental abusers act in a relationship?

[CoolCatMar1]

I have one friend who is sure her boyfriend abuses her, she told me her Story and i want male opinions on this.

Updates

+1 y

I also argue with my boyfriend these days by the way and want your opinions in DM

[NathanDavis]

there usually is a few patterns that are common in most...

being possessive/controlling... it's a very clear one, they want to know about your doing all the time, your location who do you speak with... and might even try to isolate you friends/family, to the point in which they will decide for you on who you will NOT talk with

being very critical/insulting... criticism, judging you, making fun of you constantly.. or to more extreme cases, putting you down, insulting you, even humiliation

being dismissive/pushy... when you bring up a situation you're having an issue with, or your needs, and want to solve things, they will try to minimize your situation in order to ignore it or will just be indifferent towards your issues... while on the other hand, when it comes to their needs and wants they will be more imposing, or demanding and even force you to do things they want, even if you do not want them yourself

being manipulative... and perhaps the worst of all... becoming manipulative, and using all of the above and more in order to keep you trapped or in a back and forth, a vicious cycle, they will ignore you, or blame you... they will try to make you doubt and even think it is all your fault, that you deserve it or that you just exaggerate things... so they can become cold, distant, indifferent till you yield onto them

[CoolCatMar1]

I understand. I didn't see many signs. My boyfriend never controlled me or who i talk with

.. the girl though... The girl is a different situation.

But me and my boyfriend have hard times. We both screwed up these two months... The first 2 months of our relationship was perfect. But now everything is ruined in my opinion... I don't know I can't say more here

[Charliefretz329]

This is true

[Alchemizt]

I think it's the same for both genders. My ex was mentally abusive. Some of the characteristics I noticed in her,

• Bringing up an argument you settled ages ago and starting a fight over it.
• They start the fight then later accuses you for starting it.
• Sh*t testing you until they find a mistake to cause a war.
• Prejudice. In my case we had some racial/religious differences, so she'd give me hints that I'm below her without making it obvious. So if I get pissed off she gaslights me.
• Flooding your inbox with toxic messages after a long fight.
• Playing the victim in front of others so that you look like the abuser.
• Posting the problems of your relationship in social media to gain support and attention.
• Most of the boundaries applies to you and not them.
• There's always a justification for whatever they do, but it doesn't apply to you. A small mistake from you is a huge mistake in their eyes.
• "I forgive you, let's forget it" from a mentally abusive person means "Let's cool down for a while. I'll start it again when I'm ready with something worse."

[MrOracle]

Arguing isn't in and of itself abuse. Abuse is doing things that cause real harm, and not just physical harm, but it is more than just arguing or not being happy for a while.

Outright manipulation or coercion or things like that are abuse, and if that's happening, they don't need anyone's permission to walk away and move on - the sooner the better.

[Charliefretz329]

This is true

[Summeroflove]

This just totally depends. Many people start off great and just get worse and worse.


Many things like criticizing everything someone does. Trying to control them and even ruin their life. The list is endless

[Guy13]

Oh no !! That is never a good news to have anyone you know come to you with these sentiments. Hope you are well.

[Smoothing]

Abusive relationships creep up on you and the signs are usually there earlier on. It starts by the guy being clingy and starts telling you things that makes you doubt yourself.

He isolates you from your social circle. All the while the psychological abuse has started. He starts making you feel bad about yourself and takes away your self confidence.

By the time the physical abuse starts, he will have been abusing you mentally for a long time to the point where when the physical abuse starts, you are afraid to tell anyone even though that is the best way to get yourself out of it.

In the beginning they tell you lies up on lies. All the while telling you and doing things that makes you feel good until the clingyness and controlling behaviour starts.

[CoolCatMar1]

Nah my boyfriend never did that

[CoolCatMar1]

But my friend conplained about her being isolated

[Smoothing]

Yup, your friend is in an abusive relationship

[CoolCatMar1]

I must tell her to dump him then

[Smoothing]

She is still in the early stages. Now us the time for her to get out. The longer she leaves it, the harder it will become for her to get out.

[CoolCatMar1]

Of course. I agree with you

[JamesDiaz11]

I don't think mental abuse is a thing, outside what we did to the insurgents we detained in Iraq. A person can emotionally abuse you by tearing your self-esteem down, and forcing you to rely on them, but I doubt this is the case in most scenarios. More likely your boyfriend isn't as considerate as you want (because he's lazy, or doesn't care that much), or doesn't entertain every stupid thought that comes into your head, or otherwise do everything that you want him to do. Girls will classify anything as abuse nowadays.

[notxing]

Gass lighting. Threat of physical harm. Cheating and hiding it. Temper tantrums. Has control of the money. Acts like a child and trys in every way to establish control. Made to feel like your not good enough. Doesn't put in effort in the relationship but expect it. Doesn't grow personally. One the biggest clue friends and family don't like the person.

[Charliefretz329]

Yep 👍

[Alex8736]

both girls and guys for one will falsely accuse you of something outrageous and or always start an argument out of left field over the pettiest thing and the crucial one is when people 1st get together they always talk about how someone screwed them over and it's always everyone else's fault

[SnowedIn]

@NathanDavis and @notxing got the right answers on this.

[FilmGuy93]

Abusive... they say one thing and then consistently do the other. And then they'll try to convince you that the reason they did that is your fault.

[TallAnon]

There's not just one pattern to this, but the most important thing is to talk with third parties and every time you want to say something like "but that's normal" or "you wouldn't get it", something is fishy.

[exitseven]

Abusers do things like destroy your self esteem, isolate you from friends and family or make you dependent on them for validation.

[Andres77]

Could you share the details of the boyfriend's behavior so we can give you an informed response?

[bean2k21]

They tell you horrible things like "I'm not your slave."

[PatriceONeal]

It's the problem of the women for arguing with men. Why not pick men who you respect enough to shut the fk up and let him be a man.