Do you find yourself UNDATEABLE and if so, WHY?

[coachTanthony]

[Cynicaldreamer]

Haha, I asked this same question on here a while ago: the responses were interesting to say the least.

As for me: yes, I'm a broken mess and gave up on dating. But at least I'm mature enough to realize it... unlike some people out there.

There are people out there that don't need to be in relationships because they're broken (emotionally or mentally), yet keep getting into the wrong relationships and wind up hurting either themselves or others in the process.

As for why I'm undateable? I've been single so long, I have no interest in dating at this time. Seriously, when you've been single nearly 15 years and NO ONE has given you an iota of attention, trust, or reason to want to attempt dating again? You get used to being alone and taking care of yourself. At least I can rely on myself! Sad but true.

Plus I have atrocious self esteem.
Look, I'll be honest: I am not attractive. And that's okay. I will never be what most people deem as "feminine" or "sexy" so of course most men are going to see me as more of a friend than girlfriend.
And while I always hear what a "great personality" I have, you all know as well as I do, we as humans, are superficial creatures. And personality and brains isn't always enough to get more than a polite "hi, but no thanks" nowadays.

Is that terrible? No. Does it suck and demoralize you? Absolutely.

Realistically not everyone is meant to find love and relationships in life. It's unfair but that's life.

[Lalalove11]

I think you're wise because It's better than chasing and trying to escape brokenness which people believe dating alleviates. In my experience dating has done the opposite and made me further aware of trauma. Which was kind of good kind of bad. As long as you have a few good close friends and are content in your own company, that is attractive and invaluable.

[Ryfyle]

Explains the Anime Avatar.

[lightbulb27]

@Lalalove11 you hit the "nail on the head". Relationships are about emotional intimacy which is where our "traumatic training" and beliefs are. Relationships will challenge us emotionally given how attraction works, thus exposing deep wounds and beliefs. Otherwise, they might come out at work or as we go in life, but absent that... we just stay who we are... holding onto our lies, traumas, and beliefs. Why would "God" want us to be stagnant in waste, that is not the design! Why would we take on changing... it's hard... subconscious mind doesn't want to change and will block change! So we wallow in our usual routine. Thus God=love, gives us challenges to cleanup our broken insides, which separates us from Him and others, which can set us free. People seeking to escape brokenness find it, probably more pain... until healed. Attraction is largely sub conscious! Thus, when people "cancel themselves out of dating"... they are just delaying deeper emotional work for another time. That was my lesson, and it cost me a lot.

[Lalalove11]

@lightbulb27 beautiful and profound thank you for sharing 💜 I absolutely agree. Being stagnant is like allowing ourselves to stiffen. When we are stiff we break easily. It's about being supple. Which requires great bravery, trust and sensitivity. Its vulnerability which is quite terrifying if you've experienced trauma.
I've heard the universe being described as a mirror of ourselves. Therefore relationships are just the same. They can never really 'fix' us, or complete us. Falling into stagnancy is like an early death to me. Life inevitably throws us out of that though with some form of shock. I could go on and on! Thanks again for your wonderful reply.

[lightbulb27]

@Lalalove11 excellent point on vulnerability. That was another key for me I forgot. The hardened ego needed to soften. Christ helped me open up, it took years to heal... suffering. It's unfortunately, the way of progress.
Thanks for the the inspiration!

[purplepoppy]

Nobody's undateable, you can easily find people of all shapes, size and backgrounds who can get dates. Even guys on death row get women writing to them.

[coachTanthony]

You would think 🤣😉

[Ryfyle]

Alright, Sunshine, this is not the place for positive sentiment. Bullshit like that makes it difficult for some malcontents to find some enjoyment in this cess pit.

[jennifer_bloom]

I would not say I’m undatable but I have not yet attained my goals in life and that might affect my chances, like I have professional goals I have not achieved, as well as social and cultural goals too.

[coachTanthony]

What specifically would affect your chances?

[jennifer_bloom]

So I want to become rich so I have more power and I want to learn the language of the bible since it’s part of my religious career and I want to be a more biblically observant person cause I want to date a religious guy.

[coachTanthony]

Most men don't care about your money just an FYI. Men want someone they can take care of, protect and provide for it's biology.

[jennifer_bloom]

Well they do not care about your money during the relationship but he divorces you or becomes too sick to work, then you have to rely on your income and not his.

[coachTanthony]

so you are planning on worst case scenario before you actually meet someone is what you are saying?

[jennifer_bloom]

Yes because around 40% or more marriages end in divorce

[coachTanthony]

Ok you do you! 😉

[ShadezMcgee]

No, but it definitely isn't as easy for me to get women, much less one that matches my vibe and complements my personality. Although there were times I did feel like that because no matter what I did to try and change about myself or adjust to make myself a better man or more appealing to women it didn't work.

I think a lot of it revolves around the fact I am introverted and reserved (women tend to prefer extroverts because it carries charisma, outgoing vibes, come off as more relatable and fun.) I hate having small talk and needless conversation or forcing something that should feel easy and natural. I am also fairly serious and it is hard for me to take that off because women don't like uptight men or those that can't be goofy or make them laugh. I also find dating a hassle in the sense that you essentially need to keep women invested and entertained or they get bored quick (they almost come off as having the attention span of a squirrel). Plus a lot of my hobbies don't seem to interest women because they prefer to be taken on adventures like travel or something stimulating. In short, a lot of women find me dull and boring on the mental and emotional side.

On the physical side, I am not tall for a guy at 5'8", receding hairline and then my face is fairly round, not the masculine or sharp facial features. Otherwise I am in great shape.

[coachTanthony]

I am 5'7 5'8 on a good day as well and had to develop a sense of humor and wit about me that made women laugh. You have to do improve in order to compete because we all have to deal with the hand we been dealt.

[ShadezMcgee]

I am more witty than funny, that I k ow I have and have gotten plenty of laughs from men and women, but I need to be loosened up to want to do that a. d ha e the energy.

Social anxiety makes it tricky too.

[coachTanthony]

I hear ya

[Anonymous]

Yes.

First I am a bit fat and hairy but I am starting to work on getting in shape.

Second I am shy. I don't know how to meet people and engage conversation with a girl that I have romantic interest in, etc.

Third, I do not like going out in night clubs at all and I don't like to go to parties too often. I don't want one of those girls who need to goes in girls' night out in clubs. It is quite an issue since girls in my generation seems go live for clubs.

Fourth, I don't tolerate disprecftul women. I have boundaries and self respect. You don't scream at me, you don't insult me, you don't belittle me, you don't hit me, you don't get to have the last word on everything using emotions or blackmails. I also don't let myself being called fragile, insecure and gaslighited into accepting their cheating behaviors (posting nudes, keeping dating apps, flirting with other guys, hiring male sex workers, etc.) Most girls in my generation expect you to tolerate their shittiness and gaslighting.

[Lalalove11]

Not necessarily undateable but here's something I'm genuinely insecure about; emotional baggage. It's also obviously mine to deal with and I'm aware no other person can fix that. I feel when I date I have to hide these things. But they will invariably show up and it's scary to think a guy mightnt like me for my whole self. I also feel below average without makeup. So all in all, I think there is someone out there for everyone, myself included. But there are days I feel I'm a burden and need to work on myself a lot before dating.

[lightbulb27]

yes, I'm married.

...

Advice to the other defeatists...

I think dating is really hard anymore. I think living life to the fullest is much more dooable, and you can do that with other people. When you are your best, most amazing energetic self with esteem, with communication and relational skills in mind, going out to places that challenge you that are different than your usual circles... with your eyes open and available, then amazingly, you might meet someone along the way.

You are going to get rejection, accept that. You might also have to make some changes.

[Ryfyle]

Please Sir. Could please take that sound and reasonable statement the fuck out of here? This question is reserved for bitter malcontents and we would like to maintain an environment of dysfunction.

[lightbulb27]

@Ryfyle🖖🏼

[Cynicaldreamer]

@Ryfyle I'm sorry but your comment made me laugh out loud in real life... thank you sir, LOL

[Ryfyle]

@Cynicaldreamer No prob.

[Qdbrown]

You become more undatable as you age. Your best dating and love, is in your youth. Back when life was easy and love was cheap.

Seems the older you get, the more baggage you get, they get, and people get use to their freedom and independence as they age.

Then add online dating, and after divorce dating. If that doesn't ruin you, it definitely destroys you a little on the inside with each new easy date and relationship.

It makes the more profound relationships very hard to find. And after my time of both online and post divorce dating, I am not longer going to go with easy. I am going to wait out for the magical one. The one that blows me away.

So this may never happen, and had I been an extrovert, I might be able to play the numbers game, but when you have yourself looking for your best, cheap dates are not going to happen.

[Ryfyle]

Man, might as well just jump off an overpass then.

[Qdbrown]

@Ryfyle Yeah, sounds hard, except the best is worth waiting for It's like holding out for the better home, knowing what you value, as with the right car, clothes, and lifestyle The better value is never free, and you have to go at it with the idea that you always have to give up something to get something Nothing of value is ever free or easy By accepting that higher value says more about you as a person who will not accept anything but the best And that is what defines you

[BCRanger10]

I did at one point, from not long after I started college until a couple of years after. There were many reasons why. I'll list three for now.

For one thing, I had a pretty severe confidence deficit, as well as one of self-knowledge.

For another, I had some pretty warped ideas of what relationships were and how to initiate and pursue them (I have neither the time nor the space to explain why right now).

And another reason is that for a time, I felt, dare I say, ashamed of being a guy.

[blissinanarchy1]

I’m very hard to date. I’m very open minded for the most part and get along with just about anyone, there’s two boundaries I refuse to bend on. No Onlyfans, and anyone you slept with in the past gotta go. I don’t deal with the gaslighting. Girls will call you insecure or jealous for having those standards, but it’ll root out the gaslighters.

[midnightmoon05]

I don’t think so. With my positive attitude about life and my self. I seem to give off a little too friendly energy … it was never a problem getting out and meeting people. I get to pick the one I want.
Even gag helped me and set me up with my gag husband.
so yeah…married again.
I could help couch some…but I rather not do that job.
You are better at this.

[Anemone978]

Yeah pretty much because if you piss me off I just don't want to be with the person...
I used to always do what people wanted and felt like I had to be that way so people would like me but now IDGF... If you don't like me beat it... I just don't got energy or any fucks to give anymore...

[Anonymous]

Nope. I don’t want to date. The concept of dating itself has zero novelty and zero long term benefit. But a relationship is better than dating and a relationship is for mature folks that want to be with someone without seeing other people or without sleeping around and all while being loyal and unconditional.
Dating is for guys that don’t want to be with just one women. Dating is for guys only, or sleezy bimbos, aka same thing

[coachTanthony]

Dating is for who? You have to date in order to find someone you are compatible with. I in 20 years have never heard of such a thing.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

No, but even so there are a few men asking me out, I don’t feel like dating, cause I had a break up from a long term relationship 5 months ago and I am fully over it.

I don’t think it would be fair to date anyone while I still have very strong feelings for my ex.

[PainusNdeeAnus]

I don’t like to use the word pervert or creep but it’s bullseye accurate

plus I like alcohol more than poon just ask my Exs if you try to compete with whiskey you’re gonna lose everytime

[coachTanthony]

Vices do get in the way that is for sure.

[XHopelessRomanticX]

I don’t think I’m undateable. I do think I don’t put in enough effort necessary to meet people who would be interested.

[TacosRAwesome]

I feel I'm undateable to the people I actually want. I've been asked out a few times since I broke up with my ex but none of them were what I want because of reasons. Now I'm working to put myself parallel with the type of men Id like to attract.

[HuskyJ]

Not really undateable - but struggling to work out whether I should pursue one (or two) girl I find sex appealing - or simply look for sex wherever and whomever I find it from.

Recently moved (in fact, only starting to move towns, so not familiar with nor known to almost anyone to start the conversation about what I am looking for.

[TrillXHippy]

The main reason is my looks so I’m gonna mention other things. I don’t drive and whoever else doesn’t drive good for them I’m talking about me, the way I talk, I’m not motivated, I don’t talk a lot

[Anonymous]

Yes and no. I KNOW I'm a catch. The problem is there are so few quality women anymore. And I'm not going to be with just ANY woman. So no, I'm not undateable. I have my shortcomings to be sure. But there just isn't really anything really compelling with most women for me to date.

[Shark_61695]

Looks, personality and emotional state, y'know, the usual.

[Anonymous]

I’ve got an intolerable personality and I’m a bit fat… but I manage by being funny occasionally 😅

You just need to change your standards. Look for what you need, not what you want. And the person that has everything you need most likely will have plenty of things you want as well; even if it isn’t all.

[Anonymous]

Reminds me of a very powerful quote that I stumbled upon in 2020 and the quote is: "men have to build and create their value, women have to protect and preserve their value"

[LiamJHayden]

No, I'm a blast to date. They just have to avoid getting attached because I am flighty.

[TrueConfection]

Yes, because I'm married.😇

[coachTanthony]

Good for you and congrats.

[TrueConfection]

Thanks, I think? 😎

[ThatCanucker]

I have been told all my life by many people that I am too ugly to be with. Id probably have to be very wealthy for it to be overlooked and if that is so even if I was wealthy I probably wouldn't want that kind of relationship.

[Zbrody1997]

Emotional baggage, lots of trauma, and not a single person wants to deal with it no matter how much I work on it

[exitseven]

I am too damaged to be a good date for somebody.

[Sasha0426]

Yes, very much so. I have no experience and I have many red flags. Also, I’m very toxic.

[coachTanthony]

Toxic and red flags is what many men like especially when you admit them and choose not to improve.

[Sasha0426]

Then I need to find me a toxic man.

[coachTanthony]

I mean I guess lol

[Sasha0426]

Honestly, I think we would be perfect for each other.

[coachTanthony]

Ha Ha Ha maybe

[Sasha0426]

I mean, if I was with a good guy, he would not be happy.

[coachTanthony]

You will never know until you get out there and in the mix. No reason to speculate.

[Sasha0426]

Nah, I won’t treat him right.

[coachTanthony]

Okay

[Echosoul]

Howso? What do you think makes your toxic?

[Sasha0426]

@Echosoul: Like I said, I won’t treat my partner right.

[Anonymous]

I'm short, fat, poor and have multiple heath issues before you add that I can't drive and I'm a workaholic as well as an old man trapped in a young man's body

[WTFdivorce]

Well the rose might be a clear sign lol

[coachTanthony]

Maybe maybe LOL

[NathanDavis]

no...

simply because I am not

[Anonymous]

I'm undateable because I am not willing to put up with bullshit, game playing, manipulation. All of my most lonely and pained times in life have been when I was in a relationship.

[Ryfyle]

No time, no energy, and the world keeps getting worse.

[Echosoul]

I have little interaction with women my age and I can't imagine them being interested in me.

[shortster]

I thought I might be for awhile. But I was wrong about that.

[msc545]

I am not tall enough, rich enough, or good-looking enough.

[rienna888]

Yeah I’m uglg and also a bitch

[Anonymous]

Yup
1. I am very hairy
2. I am just 5'6 man
3. I am skinny

[DizzyDesii]

Nah quite the opposite

[Slim57]

I used to think so but there's much worse options

[Mei_Hua]

Being happy when you spend time alone

[Fuentes]

Cause I'm only chasing this money 💰 🤑 💸

[Anonymous]

I'm too beautiful.

[Dylan_Cullum]

No women love me for my body and I enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

My head isn’t right and I am scared of sex

[LemiaOfThunder]

Jugdemental females