For those of you that are single and can't seem to find anyone, what, if any, "flaws" do you have that make dating or relationships difficult for you? I use the term flaw VERY loosely because what others might consider a flaw, may be reasonable to you or someone else.
We all have our flaws, but are they the reason you're still single? It is your appearance, standards, fear of rejection or being hurt again... or something else-
Yes, I'm undateable. But I want to hear what y'all have to say first :)
Are YOU undateable? If so, why?
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
I am. I feel I’m probably too boring. I can spend hours walking around town looking at all the old buildings, cars, going into antique jewellery stores or any antique store, walking down the beach, playing chess, sewing, reading and so on. My likes are very different from the people I’ve come across... I’ve never met a guy who is calm, chilled and who enjoys at least half of what I like to do, apart from the sewing of course. I don’t smoke, vape, sleep around, I don’t mind a glass of wine or a cocktail or something with a meal or when relaxing but I don’t get tipsy or drunk. I dont like swearing or anything similar as I am in general a soft person. I’ll say a bad work when I’m extremely angry but that’s hardly ever. I don’t want to jump into bed with someone just after meeting or get to know them slightly. I’m a very picky person anyway but more so towards a person’s personality and not a lot of guys are decent enough for me to actually enjoy being around. This is the problem I’m facing. Not only that hut guys my age don’t care about serious relationships couldn’t care less about marriage, in fact many don’t want to even get married. So, I’m stuck here alone wondering if I’ll ever meet someone. Just the other night I spoke with a friend saying I don’t feel I’ll ever meet someone which is sad because I really want to get married some day and possibly have kids. Often I cry about wishing I had different interests or that I could like things that would make people want me because right now people just think I’m boring🥴
I think one of my biggest issues is delayed development - I did not know what I wanted to do with my life until I was 34-35 and now it might be too late to pursue my dream career - I’m also not a good cook cause before my mid 30s my mother would not share the kitchen with me so I never had a chance to learn - I can make tasty meals but don’t know too many recipes - Another thing is I’m flat footed and experience a lot of foot pain at manual labour jobs so might have difficulty doing house chores after work - And people are saying I might be too old to have a lot of kids
Too late to have kids? Absolutely not! While the risks are higher as you get older, there are women that had healthy children in their late 30s, even early 40s!
Regardless your other "flaws" are minor: you put your career first, which is certainly not a bad thing. And anyone can learn to cook at any age! Trust me, I'm not the best cook, but I go online or watch videos if I want to make something and it turns out just fine.
Well, honestly I have more than enough confidence in myself and any woman would be lucky to have me in her life but that will never happen. I have always been single and I wish to remain single for life, I chose this life out of my free will and for reasons best known to me. I don't need love, I don't need a woman in my life and so I never tried and I will never try also.
Anyways, for the purpose of answering your question I will give just one reason:
I am a very selfish person, I mean selfish in good ways and also I am very strict and intolerant with many things and so it won't be easy for any woman to be with a man like me because the margin for error for that woman would be negligible and so she will always be under pressure unless and otherwise she is almost an "opposite gender version" of me, meaning having a compatibility close to 95% of who I am, which is unlikely because that is a very high % of compatibility one can get.
Given the kind of standards I have and the way I take my decisions, it won't be possible for any woman to change herself to fit into my standards which means the woman will always be under pressure to be at her best and not make any errors, I mean critical ones.
One critical error and the woman would be out of my life forever with no forgiveness as well.
At first when you said you were "selfish" I took that as a bad thing, but as I kept reading your reply, no, that's a good reason to remain single, and understandable! You have standards that fit what YOU want in life, and it's not fair to have someone that's not able to keep up with or meet you goals try to change that. Nor should you lower your standards either, especially if you're confident and happy as is.
Listen I'm a 5'4" trans guy who's a little overweight, still lives at home, and can't work due to a disability. And I still go one dates and have relationships and get laid. If I can do it, you all can do it. If you don't think of yourself as u dateable, if you just own who you are proudly and focuse on the good things you have to offer, others will see that and be attracted to that confidence
This is what I call an MHO candidate right here! Having confidence, even when you have flaws is one of the most attractive qualities a person can offer.
Interesting @inexpensivefurniture. But when you say “get laid” is with other women?
Also you obviously live in a much more challenging dynamic. However you are young and around a lot more available people. But if what you are saying is true I have to say that’s impressive.
Nice, but not everyone’s been lucky like you because as FFDP said “everyone’s born with their own curse” I’m easy to date but I’ve been broke so many times trusting people is really hard
@guesswhoseback Generally I have sex with other men. I'm actually not around a lot of people, despite being younger, as I'm not going to school or working. I meet people through friends or online
@Alex_988_2 Got them chopped the fuck off early this year. Best thing I've ever done for myself. I don't mind talking about my transition and answering questions, but many other trans people consider that something that's only between them and their partner. So for future reference it is best not to ask trans people about surgeries or their bodies like that. Just so you know
@Confidenceoverload I can understand that. Trauma and trust issues can absolutely make it harder to date. I've been in therapy for years to deal with my trust issues. The reason I didntw say anything about mental blocks is because those can be worked on amd improved. I wanted to talk more about the things that are unchangeable that people might be self conscious about, like height.
Oh I’m short as a mfer and that’s the main reason despite my name I don’t have any confidence Personally it took 8 years to get comfortable with my face
@inexpensivefurniture you live in a completely very different dynamic. You are going to have interesting POV given you experienced life through a two different genders. But again your dating market is very specialized. I find people in these particular niches are much more sexually active among each other.
@guesswhoseback I have noticed a LOT of differences since I've transitioned from female to male. The majority have been good though and I am much happier. "Specialized" is a nice way of saying "slim" lol. You are right in that we tend to seek each other out as that's usually the safest option, but I have dated more cis people than trans people. Probably just due to numbers. There are far more cis people than trans people so it tends to work out that way
You are still from a different dynamic. Also men can tend to be a bit more desperate to get laid since they tend to have stronger sexual impulses and also face a lot more rejection than their female counterparts (when all else is equal)
Anyway you have an interesting outlook. I don’t judge people’s personal decisions just as long as you are honest. However there are a lot of trans women like there complaining that men don’t want to date them (glad you are not acting that way). If you make you decision and deal with it. Sounds like you have and you are making it work. Good for you.
Oh, don't EVEN get my started on that topic!!! I should ask a question about that next but I know it's been done to death on here.
So the older women get (not men mind you, women), they're not as attractive or "valuable" in terms of dating. Yet as we get older and wiser, we have more to offer! Some of us even look better as we get older! At least that's the case for me, haha. But you are absolutely right- why do people put a value on you based on your age? Sad really
Right don't get me started either lolol cuz then they justify it by saying physically attractive and bring up being fertile... Like there's more to women than having sex and making babies 🙄🙄
@Unit1 Something tells me we would spend most of the time just talking about random stuff, and the rest of the time bashing idiots or nonsense we see on here-
We could just pull up our phones, look at the questions on here, and laugh at which ones are the worse! (in between eating of course, LOL)
But that would go against the key to happiness wouldn't it? I mean staying away from idiots as in browsing on GAG for idiotic questions posted by idiots 🤔🤔🤔
When you have everything and you are still single, the women think it's because your a playboy lol. When really your still single because every women thinks that your a playboy and won't date you.
@ChrisG30 Well that may be true but imagine being a dating coach or a dentist or a therapist... once people here that its' like oh boy this guy is going to judge me on everything. It's not easy.
Do you really want my honest opinion on why such a 'catch' like yourself is single?
... nah, I'm gonna be nice, but only because you're my friend.
You're single because you put so much focus on helping others, you haven't had a chance to find the right person for yourself. Plus keep in mind you -are- a dating coach. So that might intimidate most women knowing someone like yourself knows so much about dating and relationships, you'll be judging her all the time or have high expectations.
Wow, it's sort of incredible how DEDICATED your following of dislikes is... It saddens me how that sort of effort is stronger then its counterpart (as far as I've seen on GAG)
Coach, are you more "picky" than you realize? Since you're a league above others, based on your description of yourself, you're probably waiting around for someone at least just like yourself.
you're single the same reason i am. When you're pretty well put together, most people are broken in some way, and just assume you're too good for them and find you intimidating. Im wealthy too and girls have mentioned they think its weird a rich man would like them when they could choose any girl. Just one example. Or if you're physically fit like me and you want to date a more average girl some will find that intimidating too like you really want a fitness model for a girlfriend. But imagine you have it all put together, now almost every girls insecurity, whatever it is, has the chance to come out.
@coachtanthony you are kind of a weird duck man. I’ve seen you nail it spot on other posts with good insight. But at other times it looks like you just want to stir the pot and create controversy.
Maybe you are going through some shitty times lately and this is your way of ventilating. Who knows. But if you are going to coach other people then you need to have your shit together. If you don’t have your shit together then you give advice to other people not to repeat the same mistakes you made.
Also as for money. I do pretty well also. Not rich but definitely above average. But HOW you use that many is how women will react.
@guesswhoseback I don't live by other's opinions from GAG. it's GAG. I have my own practice. So yeah I like to have a little fun on here from time to time. But thanks for your support and concern. It means the world to me.
- I’m ADHD. This sometimes makes me blurt out badly timed comments or do (non harmful) bizarre actions. When I do something awkward I usually know immediately afterwards I messed up. But unfortunately the damage is already done. Most women have very little tolerance for this early in dating.
- I can be “boring”. Truth is I was extremely adventurous yet irresponsible/broke a few short years ago. Peter Pan gets the girls attention but no girl wants to be a permanent Wendy. I’m also too old to screw around. I’ve known free spirited people in their 40s. They seem cool at first but when they are struggling financially it’s sad (sometimes pathetic.). So yes I’m “boring” but at least I’m financially stable.
- I tend to be too nice. This has been the bane of my existence and it’s extremely complicated. I try to give everyone a chance, treat them well unless they give me a reason not to. I don’t get off on unnecessary conflict. I’m like to this to all women whether I’m attracted to them or not.
But unfortunately many women take this as weakness and most of them don’t even realize it. And of course I got tortured and treated like absolute shit for it in the past (friendzone). This is left me with lots of deep seated anger, hatred and grudges. It’s the worse insult I can take because it’s solid proof the woman doesn’t see me as a real man.
The anger is NOT about being denied sex/intimacy. As a mature man I understand that nobody is entitled to that. It’s about being exploited that infuriates me the most. It’s the confidence and dismissive attitude women have about it. They don’t realize how much damage they are doing in these scenarios. Or they do realize it but are sociopaths about it.
Anyway I’ve done my best to forgive myself and forgive others. I’ve also matured on this and I call out women early if I sense I’m getting friendzoned (self respect). But it’s the a very sore spot with me.
"I’ve also matured on this and I call out women early if I sense I’m getting friendzoned (self respect)." That sir is a good thing! If you don't mind me asking, how can you tell someone is about to friendzone you? Because I've been friendzoned a lot and it's very annoying to say the least. Especially when you thought they liked you, yet they come to you for advice on someone else they like instead.
" I tend to be too nice. This has been the bane of my existence and it’s extremely complicated. I try to give everyone a chance, treat them well unless they give me a reason not to. I don’t get off on unnecessary conflict." And there's another flaw to being too nice- people (men and women) will stick you in the friendzone rather than date you as they think you're just being "nice" instead of interested in them! You are absolutely right! I think that was my problem too; I'm not really the flirty or assertive type (at least in terms of pursuing guys). I take my time getting to know people, treat them nicely, and see where it leads.
On a sidenote, there's nothing wrong with being "boring" if it means having a stable life and you're happy. If that is the case, then I guess I"m really boring!
Well I have no idea what you look like or what kind of men you try to date. No offense but from my observations women get more leeway for personality quirks if their attractive. No unlimited leeway but definitely more wiggle room.
Anyway about the friendzone. Thank you recognizing how agonizing and insulting it is when someone your interested asks for advice/complains about someone else. It’s one thing if they are completely oblivious you like them. But from I’ve seen women know 99% if a man’s interested or not (women of all ages). Younger men might be oblivious but as they age they pick up on vibes better. Asking about someone else when you know someone like is NOT dropping a hint. No it’s just rude and insensitive. There are more classy ways to reject people like being tactfully honest.
So besides being insulted as you experienced above I find that women who friendzone usually do the following:
- act flaky and play dumb. Playing dumb is the best way they can cover their ass. - one wordy in texts unless they need something - never initiate communication unless they need something. - make up excuses to not be alone with you too long - rarely follow up to say thank you after doing something nice for them - a bit too comfortable to share other problems (beyond dating) in their life for free counseling. - call you nice and sweet in a bland way. - actually compliment you too much in a “friendly” way. They like social media posts to “throw out a bone” to keep you in their orbit. - refer to as a “friend” (huge red flag) - don’t but put much effort into looking nice on dates. - act a bit too confident. If a girl is slightly nervous around me it’s a sign she’s interested (too nervous is bad though). - doesn’t laugh at my jokes. - says “c’mon” a lot
Yes, well at least at the moment. My life is too busy with work and school. I am working 56 hours a week (at work right now) and I also am going to school full time. I literally have just enough time to sleep on many days, and some days I don't even have enough time for 8 hours (like today and yesterday when I could only sleep 5 hours each day from 9am-2pm, the rest is spent working and driving to and from work).
Aside from that, one of my major "flaws" is my independence and sense of entitlement. I enjoy my life and I do what I want, when I want. I have been told many times I "want your cake and to eat it, too.", to which I respond, "What good is a cake you can't eat?" Not a very good stance for a relationship which requires compromise and doing what other people want sometimes. I'm not totally inflexible, but I'm definitely difficult for some people to deal with.
My other "flaw" is that I am polyamorus, and that is a deal breaker for some monogamous people. It is also not a dealbreaker for some monogamous people, or at least they say it isn't, but then they fall in love with me and want me to change because before they weren't serious but now that they are serious they want to have a monopoly on me. That doesn't work for my vision of love, which is free from possessiveness, ownership of another person, fear, and jealousy which I see as the hallmarks of monogamy.
C-PTSD, OCD, GAD, PTED. Which also makes it hard to find decent employment. Can't stand having to Stepford smile through oceans of assholes, and make insincere apologies for matters outside my control. Paternal resentment issues. Can't stand anyone who, like him, will make me feel like an insect out of nowhere. I finally gain a little self-confidence, he seems to show up again, just to destroy it.
Also have a bad history of women who cheat, lie, make slanderous accusations, turn out to be comic book-grade psychotics, or die horribly in ways I have no chance to save them from. Every pretty face is hiding a bomb, just waiting to go off in my face. It doesn't matter what kind of bomb. Heartache and resentment are always the end result. So I've taught myself how to keep gals at arm's length until they seem safe, but with one eye on the nearest exit, just in case it's a trap.
At least two different gals have told me to see a therapist before attempting to date anyone. But to do that, I first need a better job, a steadier income, and my own place. Otherwise , my folks will unwittingly undo any therapy I receive. They can't help it. They're set in their ways. And it has to be someone I trust. When they try to find an assistant , they choose poorly, and I come out worse than before. I'm gonna need a support group wherever I end up. It's gonna take quite a woman to tolerate someone like me, who is more than anything just trying to not get hurt anymore.
@guesswhoseback : Just what I do at work. And occasionally, casual exercises home. Right now, I'm trying to get a short story translated into multiple languages. Not easy. At all. Who knew insect anatomy was so hard to translate into Cebuano?
You need an outlet for this mental stress bro. Exercise is not about just looking good but for your mind as well. If it wasn’t for exercise I would of probably off’d myself a long time ago
During lockdown I tried to get outdoors to run at least 5 days a week. I could literally feel my mind unwinding from the mental stress when I did.
I think it can be hard to admit undateable qualities in people. I know myself very we though. First of all my standards are very high even though I never directly tell people that because that would not come across well. It just makes me weed out people quicker. Next, I would say I don't look the most attractive and I dont have a lot of muscle. I mean I know some people dont care but the sad reality is some people would consider that as undateable. Finally, my biggest flaw has always been myself. Poor lazy me would rather mess around all day long rather than make a genuine effort to meet people virtually. I mean, I feel like I'm more of an IRL person but covid makes things super difficult. In conclusion, I could try my hardest to make an effort but when most days I spend worrying about school and work it just doesn't happen since I try my best to do well in school. It just disheanterns me so much that I spent 2 years in community college sacrificing potential relationships because I wasn't sure where I was gonna be and now when I finally arrived at a 4 year university and now covid hit and I was trying to make a genuine effort to meet more people in clubs even though I had limited free time most weeks due to work and school conflicts well it just made me feel de motivated. And especially since after the summer 2021 semester I will be basically going to school remotely so I'm not even sure what I want to do yet
I don't know, probably. I do everything my own way, I'm a bad texter, I'm crazy. Like I'll just decide to start some big project or get into some crazy situation at the drop of a hat.
Most girls either want to be in charge of a relationship or lead in one, I want someone who I can look at and see an equal. I'm into self growth and spirituality and many people find that constant changing and self tuning to be annoying.
I'm way better at arguing then anyone I've ever dated so even though I admit when I'm wrong, I usually can prove pretty irrefutable that I'm right.
Also I'm a total nympho like not only will I try just about anything once, I want to do all sorts of stuff all the time. And even though I'm willing to forgo some of that stuff for the right girl, some women feel not good enough around guys like that and confidence is kinda important to me so at that point I'm just not attracted to the girl after a while.
Also I work a lot so I really don't have much of a social life. I need a lot of time to myself.
So far as finding the right one goes I really have my work cut out for me.
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
+1 y
I wouldn't say "undateable" but my options are severely limited. And a lot like most women. I'm not interested in just dating anyone who offers For starters i'm not very attractive. Your gender has done a pretty good job of letting me know that. I spent my 20's and 30's stacking papers and investing while other guys my age slept around and partied. Now while they're just starting to think about retirement. I'm debating when to retire. 40% of my income is now passive. So i work fulltime but pretty much just for the benefits. Most women don't get this even if i did a good job of explaining it, which i don't. As then i have to worry about her motivations for dating me.
At this point in my life i only believe about a 3rd of what comes out if any woman's mouth ( some women on this site simplisticlly say i hate women. I don't, it just comes from 40 years. Of being told one thing from women and watching them do another).
The simple truth is i have a lot to lose by meeting the wrong woman.
"The simple truth is i have a lot to lose by meeting the wrong woman." While I do not like your opinion, I do respect your honesty... and hell, you're right. I'm afraid to meet the wrong guy! Been there, done that way too many times and it only leads to heartache, mistrust, and my wasted time and money.
I do applaud you for building yourself up and living your life without letting what others think of you, or your relationship status, weigh you down because guess what... While they're still working, trying to save pennies, and paying off debt from college because they partied instead of trying to get out? You're ready to retire and enjoy life :)
I'm undateable but would consider myself a great catch. I'm wealthy, 6 figures in the bank, smart.
You see women don't actually care about your achievements or wealth, they care about the likelyhood of you being in a position to be able to choose/select them. They date guys who have to power to choose their women. Money is just a tool to further support that evidence. Women are instinctively looking for evidence that you are in control of your dating options.
If you are seen as a guy that has all the women around him, you are now able to have every other women because guess what, having those women in your life implies you have to power to choose.
When you play hard to get with women, this advertises to women that you have choice because you are so busy considering all the other possible women in your life.
Confidence is a way of expressing that you have power to choose. People go after what they want when they know they can have everything. People like knowing that you were attracted to them from a whole bunch of other options available. That's why confidence is attractive. You can also be confident but be unnoticed for it and there lies my problem- the guy that know he has value but says that nobody else can see it. If the person cannot see that you know that you have power, you will be told that you lack confidence when you are actually self aware that you have value.
1. Too short for women I like. This is the biggest dealbreaker for women. 2. Lack of enough ego/pride/confidence. 3. Unattractive looking/ugly face. 4. Overweight. 5. Small penis/not having sex. 6. Old (thirty-four). 7. Brutally honest (and unwilling to change this). 8. Unwilling to bribe someone into pretending to like me/be a Sugar Daddy. 9. Unwilling to lie to someone or trick them. 10. Unwilling to "settle" for someone who doesn't love me, nor I her, just to avoid being alone.
If I go by my moms, I am not dateable. I went against her view and build my confidence. I took the risk and had some good experiences then got married. now, not as easy, unless I want to be alone forever then I take a chance.
There are no rules out there or anything written on our forehead... we take a chance to see if we can find our better half... its not perfect half but better half... to make a better life together if both willing to take the risk to love. Until we do that... then no one is dateable because we are very diff. human beings.
this is the reason so many are alone. Like many of my females friends who went through their 20s, 30s, 40s now... for them... I think they gave up can’t compete with the 20s
Your mother actually thought you were undateable? How rude, no offense to your mother. "Like many of my females friends who went through their 20s, 30s, 40s now... for them... I think they gave up can’t compete with the 20s" This right here! I tried, but as you get older, it's gets worse and worse, and you realize it's easier to stay single than try to compete with not only younger women, but guys that are not interested in you in the first place.
"I use the term flaw VERY loosely because what others might consider a flaw, may be reasonable to you or someone else."
No, in my case it's a real flaw, a serious one. A personality disorder known as 'Asperger's Syndrome' that makes it close to impossible to even understand the minds of other males, nevermind females, who are so unbelievably alien to me in the way they think and behave that they may as well be from another planet. Having this condition is the very worst thing a person could have if dating is what they really want to do, because there is NO chance in hell it's going to work. Forget about relationships, a career, family - it's all out of reach!
I think so because I feel like a constant work-in-progress and I feel like that makes me somewhat incomplete. I don't know if I'll ever not be a work-in-progress and that's a little scary. I've had a few relationships and they have all been very serious. I can't just go slow--- I'm always all in, even when I see red flags. When I see those red flags, I feel like I've already committed an entire measure of myself and I don't want to quit. Two out of four relationships have been absolutely awful and I stuck around, hoping they'd get better.
Everyone is a work in progress- and oddly enough, no one will ever be "complete" or fully content. Meaning you just have to keep going and hope for the best.
I used to say, "I'm going to do x, y, z... in order to be happy, get a relationship, or feel better about myself." Yet when I attained it, I'm STILL wasn't fully happy because I felt like I could do more, be better, or something was missing. And that's normal. It's when you become complacent and stop trying to work on improving yourself that you should be concerned.
" I can't just go slow--- I'm always all in, even when I see red flags. When I see those red flags, I feel like I've already committed an entire measure of myself and I don't want to quit." Ouch. You need to teach yourself that red flag= leave before you wind up hurt. You can't fix red flags; they're like a warning to keep you from hopefully getting hurt
You're right about no one ever being fully complete. I guess I just hold myself to a higher standard of "you should be better than this x, y, z." My mom always said that was kind of arrogant to think about yourself because we are all experiencing the work in progress-ness.
I'm better about acknowledging the red flags at this point in my life. I have a little human in my life and I don't want her to think red flags are the norm. Case in point, my last relationship. It was also important that she didn't see me give up on that person right away. But when things were obviously not right, it was enough to say enough.
Another reason I'm single-- focusing on my mini me. Time is a thief and we can't waste it. I can always date when she's grown up. Be a wild old lady in the nursing home. Haha
A lot of people find me intimidating. I don't know why. So guys who like me chicken out or thinks I have a boyfriend. Plus I do have trust issues, due to my parents always fighting coz my father cheated on some occassions. They are still together tho and happily married. But the mental scars I got as a child made me develop trust issues and afraid of commitments. Here I am 22yrs single. Never dated anyone and turn down all the guys who asked me out. I am not a man hater or something. But my love life is funny. The guys I like would chicken out always (I like nice guys, maybe one of the reason why) and the guys I don't like always have the gut to ask me. But I don't like them. I don't wanna date someone im not attracted with.
I don't know if I'm "undateable". I feel like everytime a girl crushes on me I make it awkward. I've only actually gave it a shot once and it didn't work out too well. 99.999% of the time, I don't know how to ask a girl out. I mean the one time it actually happened I just kinda said "Hey, let's go out." But it was a lot easier because I was over at her house a few times and she devoloped a crush on me, so I asked for her number, then asked her out. All the other times they were friends or I didn't know they liked me. I also have a problem with asking strangers out. I can't exactly walk up to her and just go "Hey, let's go out". I don't really know how to get from "Hi" to "Let's date". I'm probably venting a little here. Sorry.
I am undateable because I am broken beyond repair from previous relationships.
When I do try to find someone. I would say that the two biggest "flaws" that might be off putting would be~
-Myself getting too familiar too quickly.
-I literally have nothing going on in my life. It's difficult to catch someone's eye when you're a simple person.
Am I unhappy because of this? Honestly, a little. But it's not something I get down about. I no longer wish to try for anyone. If someone comes along and it works out. Cool. If not, oh well.
If you don't mind me asking, how did you previous relationships break you? Bad experiences, bad exes?
Ugh, I feel your pain; I do. It's hard to get out there when you're basic and don't really have any features that make you stand out. However, just because you think you're simple, someone else might think you're special or awesome! Nonetheless, don't stress over it.
this question is so interesting to read the answers to. I recently asked a simple question about leagues and standards, and some of the people here who seem to know what makes them undatable portrayed themselves entitled and worthy on my question 😂 the more you know
I am enjoying reading these replies as well! It's making me want to ask more questions, haha.
People have such interesting perspectives on what their flaws are, or why they're undateable. Yet some of them have unrealistic or unreasonable standards for what type of partner they want.
I'm definetly undateable. I'm everything no one wants. Overweight, ugly and shy. Just overall Introverted along with being far from what guys call "pretty". I was told by a guy one time in the past to "make sure you're prettier", that's specifically what he said. Trying to Imply that I'm ugly indirectly. I'm also a lazy fat slob, I'm a mess that doesn't know what she's doing with her life. Just trapped indoors all the time half depressed. Always crying and feeling down. On top of it I've been hurt by a toxic person in the past whom I had feelings for and loved. I was rejected by him and I've given up on love or anything to do with relationships now. Love just hurts all the time. So yeah, I am off limits and undateable.
@Mamamialetmego Not necessarily true. When I was younger, because I was shy, guys assumed I was disinterested because I was quiet or didn't flirt/talk to them. So in some cases, yes, it can be a turn off for some guys unless they realize the girl is shy and makes an effort to break her out of her shell or get to know her.
@mamamialetmegogo I've tried being outgoing before, but then one day out of nowhere a guy told someone else (Not me) that I seek attention. So I'm not sure what to do at this point, people have a problem with me being shy and also with trying to be outgoing...
Because I don’t believe in people anymore... definitely my biggest flaw. But blocking my path before that as I’m limited to online dating mostly is I don’t take good pictures. I’m not bad looking just don’t translate into inspiring photos. But if I ever got past that it would definitely be because I know whatever person I’m with is probably a horrible person pretending to be good.
"Because I don’t believe in people anymore..." When you said that, I nodded. I can definitely relate. People really do make it hard to trust and open up nowadays.
And gosh, let's not get started on taking bad pictures! I suck at them too. As bad as it sounds, I look better in person than in pictures due to my lack of photogenic skills. And I'm too honest to use photoshop and filters like most people (haha), so what you see from me is what you get!
I don't know what you look like but as a relatively average man who’s short, takes bad photos, and shows no teeth when he smiles... after 2 years of match, tinder, and PoF including paid subscriptions I’ve received one reply that turned conversation. My job keeps me from committing to the hunt in person as I work gy 12h shifts 6-7 days a week. Even with time of my hobbies arnt hobbies you’ll meet women at. Also I haven’t been active in dating in over 8 years... all I see from women are the ones on social media and this feminist bullshit on the news. I am not impressed...
I tend to be very distant and I don’t get jealous (like some guys prefer). I also never really like/love my partner as much as I say I do. I date more for the experience rather than long term. I don’t like too much affection or else I feel suffocated. I guess I just need to find someone who understands and is okay with all of my weird qualities.
I'm the same way: I'm not really the "sappy, romantic, feminine" type guys tend to prefer or go for, which is a turnoff for most men. Yet that's how I am!
Now finding a partner that understands and accepts that? Easier said than done.
I'm way too shy, regular looking (maybe 5-6), and some guys have said to me they find me intimidating. Still when someone seems interested I avoid them like the plague, as there are a lot of reasons I avoid relationships completely but to sum them up being single (for me) is easy, comfortable and peaceful. Dealing with myself is complicated enough lol
My flaw is my learning disability18-p mild to moderate t. it maker harder to find good people. as well keeping getting myself in toxic relationship or bad relationship. other flaw that seen online dating men with some learning go too fast. flaw i am also overthinking , can get jealous other women. have lots of trust issue and can't even keep friends of women. I am in middle of centre when it comes to intellectual. i too high for learning disability people but falls under that mainstream hills. I also I get very tired emotional and physical.
I'm honestly not sure myself... All I know is I try to use the dating app and make an honest attempt and get nothing back. I can't even get a bad date let alone a good one 😞 I'm open for advice if you got it...
Aww, how can a guy like you have hard time dating? Seriously, I've seen your posts on here and you seem like a catch!
I would give you some advice but heck, you see I'm not much better myself, haha. Ironically I give good advice, yet can barely help myself. Why do you think you're undateable?
On dating sites, I don't get messages and no dates even with the paid version and In public I've never been approached by a girl either... 😞 I'm just not sure what I am doing wrong
I guess not really making an attempt at dating does make me for the most part undateable to many. That said, a few days ago someone did ask if I’d like to go on a date with her. That’s only happened like 4/5 times in the last 2-2.5 years, so for the most part my reasoning holds.
I’m undateable because of my insecurities. There are a lot of negative messages about my worth that I’ve internalized. The minute someone says something that validates my insecurity about something, I crumble. Makes being in a relationship hard because sometimes people say insensitive things. And once it’s said, it’s hard to “unhear” it and give the person another chance.
Because I'm insecure and have low self worth, deep fear of failure, rejection and not being good enough. Inexperienced with dating, only had one girlfriend and got cheated on which reaffirms thoughts of not being good enough. No friends, job, independence or talents and hobbies. I'm just a terribly underdeveloped and sad person and even writing this makes me cringe at myself.
Pretty much too much baggage and insecurities, unreliable, no future or career.
How about you? Why do you think you're undateable?
My flaw is that I'm a perfectionist. I know perfection can't be attained, but I try. However, I don't seek the woman I'm dating to be perfect.
My other flaw is I date casually. I do it because I don't want to spend weeks or months in a relationship only to find it won't work. I can see three at one time, see that two won't work out and then invest in the one who has the traits I'm looking for.
A flaw that I don't think as one, but is found frustrating by some is I don't get sexual when casually dating. I just found sex causes too many problems in that. But some see it as a lack of commitment.
Yes I am undatable and honestly have no clue why. My main issue is just that I'm not very social but even on dating sites or asking people out it always results in being ignored, ghosted, or rejected. Hell I'm 29 and I've only ever had a girl say yes to me (in person) once.
Well, for the first time in my life, now at the age of 27, I have fallen in love. She is independent, ambitious, passionate, open-minded, and flexible. Though she is just as toxic as I am, and that is creating problems for us, at least for now.
Then there is another girl, she is independent, passionate, open-minded, and flexible, but not ambitious. She has a major crush on me. I like her personality, and she is very cute.
Both of them are free spirits, they have traveled a lot over the world. I admire them, I like them, and I love them. I want the both of them in my life, I know the first one will agree to that. I don't know how the second one will see it.
I might as well be due to anti social and lazy and let myself rot away in my bedroom but i like doing that so... just wish somehow magically a girl did to and we got together. I am kinda unhygienic but once in a relationship i focus on that way more. So i would say i am not that undateable i just don't know how to find people like myself.
Hmmm🤔.. Inexperience, distrust, fear, being introvert, being picky, unwillingness until a period... Yeah, these are the first things that come to my mind😌
Very justified and understandable reasons. I definitely can relate to the introversion (I'm happier alone), not settling, and having a hard time trusting others.
I have red hair most women hate this feature. I love history, international studies, travelling, learning about new cultures. I've always wanted to meet a nice girl with similar interests. I exercise, keep fit rarely drink yet been on tinder and bumble and not even a single match.
While I've ran experiments on dating websites with guys with brown hair and brown eyes who don't look l after themselves... Guess who gets matches and interests in real life as well.
No homo but you got masculine looking face. Symmetrical.
I’m have the same color hair as you and I know EXACTLY what you are taking about. How I got a some blonde and I can get it highlighted to look convincingly blonde. But bleaching my hair has all its own ramifications (especially at my age) of looking effeminate. It has to be done carefully. When it’s done right I do get a lot more attention from women.
But I do remember this. The girl of my dreams met her future husband right in front of me in college. The guy was shorter than men, balding (shaved his head) but he was pure redhead. He was also a military pilot and his game with her was tighter the mine.
As horrible as that was its not all about appearance.
Yes both of you. You are a 50 year old man who wants kids.. good luck with that.. and she is a 35 year old woman with standards that 99 percent of men will never meet. I love you both but you both give me a migraine.
Don't mind me, I'm just going to eat some popcorn and enjoy this conversation between you two~
@coachtanthony Hey! I resent that; I have realistic standards! My problem is finding said guy that meets said standards... do you know how hard it is to find a guy that's a geek, gamer, AND likes to exercise, yet still eat lots of good food? Now that's an unicorn.
@Avicenna Never. I've tried dating a non-gamer: it does NOT work out! They either oppose my gaming or think it's stupid. I'm sure such relationships Even my poor boss, he's a gamer, his wife hates his gaming. He won't play it around her to make her happy. Does it work? To an extent. But is he happy? No.
I'm not saying it's impossible, and yes, I'm sure there are couples were a non-gamer can date a gamer and be happy. But realistically, I'd prefer a partner that can related to me on that level
I think it’s good when you can pursue a hobby or interest separately. I have yet to get a girlfriend who really wants to go running with me. if she’s gaming while I run, then she’s not going to complain about all the time I take for that.
It’s my standards, difficulty to fall in love and even feel attracted, the fact that I will not accept any lies (and will call him out on them, which I’ve found to create huge issues with past relationships - they expect you to just accept their bs and not question it) and that I don’t do ”casual” anything. The goal is going to be a lifelong monogamous relationship or there won’t be even a first date (obviously you can’t know from the start how things are going to go, may become nothing but a few dates or whatever, but the goal shall be longterm - no ”lets see where it’s going”, ”lets just have fun”, ”i’ll date you while I talk to/date 5 others as well” kind of bullshit).
You toxic? Nah... I do believe certain people that give off the appearance of being so "nice" only to turn out to be snakes once you get to know them : Speaking from experience
People who suck at relationships give the best relationship advices and it sadly applies to me. Still thanks Ik right. Such people makes you think good guys do exist and and how we got lucky to meet them when they're closet snakes 😔
I think dating is two crazy people with compatible issues🤣 and you don't find out about it until y'all spent some time together LOL.
That being said I don't think I'm undateable. I just don't think I've found that person that is willing to put up with my mess and I am willing to put up with theirs yet😂😂😂😂😂
I’m very antisocial & don’t go out with people my age lol. People say I’m picky but I just don’t want to date a guy that I don’t find attractive & that’s all that comes my way. I will not settle for the sake of not being alone.
That's not a flaw at all- that's just smart!!! No one should settle just for the sake of saying they're in a relationship. Those people are the main ones that are miserable or wind up in unhappy relationships/marriages.
Being hurt again. I hate the fact that the partners don't have a stable mind which makes me more mad and unstable. I am really afraid that they will change or their feelings will change on the unexpected time. This is what drives me more crazy and I tend to be controlling but eventually I break up because if it was true love then I wouldn't have to be controlling. Because it means lack of trust.
I think I am pretty undateable, but I actually have little trouble finding dates. Maybe it is because I am not focused on sex and that intrigues the girls. Or maybe it's because I ask while the Chumleys are giving hints but never getting off their behinds to approach.
I am the most unattractive and repulsive looking human in existence and I've been called as such my entire life and a lot of rejections listed such as the reason for rejection. I'm sure there are millions of other reasons as well.
That's kind but people I have considered blood related, friends and most girls I've ever asked out would disagree as I have been called so my entire life.
i just end my 8 years relation... but i do not like to go on dates... i am the kind of... if i say yes to a date i go serious. i am not easy to handle... unless the girl find my soft spots... but they are uncommon... so i can be a difficult date... by character.
Yes, we're all datable. It's just a matter of whether or not the person we end up dating is compatible. My biggest flaw is I can be really independent and find something that I'm not fond of a burden. When that happens it sort of goes downhill from there and it usually happens early in the relationship.
Yes I’m undateable I’ve been called to my face that I’m ugly so that made me insecure about everything in my body/appearance. I guess a flaw would be that I’m shy I won’t talk to them if they don’t talk to me.
What kind of jerk would call someone ugly in their face? Don't let people like that discourage you okay? They sound like they're immature and not worth dating or being with if they act that way around you.
No way! Most people are dateable. People have their expectations all wrong. We all aren't going to get that dood or doodette you see on the cover of a magazine so go find someone you have fun with. Turn the lights out and we all look great!
I wouldn't say I'm undateable but just unlucky. The only girls that I seem to click with have boyfriends and as such are either not interested in me or are cheating scumbags (so I'm not interested in them. Or like me but I'm not interested in them because either not attracted to them or they're far too young.
I'm male, so please consider that. When I meet a women I like, and would like to spend time with her, it's simply because I like her. It has nothing to do with her status, her looks, he employment, excreta. So, the term undateable seems kind of a final conclusion which I. can't understand. And what ever flaws you may have, none of them means your beyond being liked. And that is not just my opinion, it's a simple fact. Best wishes friend.
they should be financially stable, they should be not older than 40 and not younger then 25, they should be good looking. Last but not least, have similar values to mine.
Yes it is. He provides financially and i provide in other ways. Such as taking care of the family, nurturing, supporting him. I believe im gender roles so this is my view.
But in the beginning he’ll do more work to prove that he meets your standards than you do. Cause your only gonna give him the respect he deserves after you find out how much money he makes. And I’ll be honest if I found that a woman like that I wouldn’t be with her.
I am undateable because I am no longer interested in dating. ... and I am pretty damn upfront about that with every woman who starts getting that interested look in their eyes and or within their demeanor.
I had a break from dating for a long time. Had reasons. Now I'm not sure if I can do it anymore as I have changed. I had two dates they where fine but I couldn't bring my self to sleep with them. I just knew they where going to not stick. around for another date and I didn't want a girl to stay because I can make her legs shake.. so now I'm just thinking it's time again and need to feel a girls body against me.. so ill get back to you.. I'm not sure if I will as much as I want.
I think I'm datable, but my standards in what I'm looking for and my overall lack of aggression when it comes to pursuing hold me back. I prefer it to just happen organically but life doesn't seen to want to cooperate.
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Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
It's a combination of my looks (don't meet society's conventional beauty standards), ideals/views and personality (I'm not funny or charismatic enough)
What, in your opinion, is society's ideal beauty's standard for women? (Actually thank you for your statement; I think I'm going to ask that as my next question on here!) I'm not disagreeing because yes, I completely empathize with you! I know for a fact I'm not considered "attractive" by most people's standards, which makes dating even worse. It kills me how people assume women don't have issues with dating no matter how she looks.
Aww thank you, finally someone who agrees with me I've said this before and got 10 downvotes by guys in a question The advancements in technology, cosmetic and beauty industry, as well as the rise of social media have raised beauty standards for women. Now most women get fillers and wear makeup from a very young age. In combination with photoshop, this can create unrealistic expectations, which is even worse for people, who don't have the money to or time to work on their looks. in my opinion the standards for women are: be young or look as young as possible, thin but toned, with curves and big breasts and a$$ (which is really difficult, because when you lose weight, you don't get to choose the areas you're gonna lose fat from; most celebrities get implants, lipoosuction or fat transfer..) , flawless skin without any blemishes, large pores, dark circles or any fine lines, thick curly hair, perfectly symmetrical eyebrows, natural makeup (that doesn't look like you're wearing any), full lips, thin nose high cheekbones, chiseled facial structure and flawless style (be fashionable)..
According to studies, men are more visual than women, so that means they're more attracted to their looks, as opposed to women that are more attracted to other factors, like money or social, status, humor or charisma. This doesn't mean that you can't find a partner, if you don't meet society's beauty standards, but thing will be extremely difficult you (especially if you're a woman).. Even guys that aren't conventionally attractive will treat you as of you're their 2nd or 3rd choice
@ anon "According to studies, men are more visual than women, so that means they're more attracted to their looks, as opposed to women that are more attracted to other factors, like money or social, status, humor or charisma." THANK YOU! Oh screw those guys downvoting you; I, along with most other women on here know that's the truth. Yeah, looks DO matter; we all know that. It kills me when I hear guys say they're drawn to personality over looks- not that I'm doubting some guys genuinely do, but the vast majority will always go for looks over everything else first. Why? Because people are visual creatures. They want something, or in this instance, someone, appealing.
I've said this several times on here before, but in the past when I used to try dating sites/app, or just spoke to guys online in my 20s, guys would always say how nice, sweet, what a catch I was, and was drawn to my personality. Then they saw my pictures...
I kid you not- that's when they decided we should just be friends, they ghosted me, or disappeared :| So these same guys that claimed they liked me or how much of a catch I was, suddenly decided that my personality wasn't good enough because my looks didn't meet their requirements.
... yet looks don't matter and women have it "so easy" in terms of dating. Yeah I'm sure some women do: if they look a certain way! The rest of us are just screwed.
I like things a certain way, and I expect them to be that way. I’ve been single and on my own for more of my life than I’ve been in long term relationships. A little jaded I guess.
No ma'am. Trust me, I could tell you stories, sad stories, of how I've been friendzoned, sisterzoned, rejected, ghosted... you get the point. Guys do talk to me... as a friend. But anything romantic? Nope, no interest at all. I'm the one they come to when they have relationship problems!
It's annoying sometimes but at least they do value my friendship; which is better than nothing I suppose.
@Guffrus I get that, I do. Nowadays with all these movements and people claiming "abuse" if you look at them the wrong way, I can only imagine guys rather not talk to women for fear of consequences!
However, the problem is, how are we women supposed to know if you're interested in us if you don't let us know? Goodness knows I am terrible at reading subtly, hints, or flirting. I need someone to blatantly say, "Hey, I like you. Want to go out?"
Seems like you can't win, half the people are complaining that no one is asking them out and the other half are complaining that the wrong people are asking them.
@Guffrus Mhmm, exactly. This is why it's easier to stay single, as sad as that sounds.
I've even tried asking out guys before, but nope- they were not interested in me.
And I get everyone has a type of preference; that's understandable. But those same people are the main ones crying that, "No one wants to date me! Woe is me..."
No, people like and want you, you just rejected or ignored the ones you're not interested in. I don't want to hear them whine when they fall for the wrong person, yet they rejected someone else that would have treated them properly.
I dont think there is any getting away from the idea that if you are single for a long time then the common factor is you not everyone else.
I struggle very much, in all things with 'the perfect is the enemy of the good'
It seems likely that i have been rejecting the good in search of the perfect while expecting to be accepted despite my faults.
I dont feel like thats what i have been doing but it does make sense and Im also pretty sure that i would be the last person to know what i have been doing because none of us like reality, its easier to believe the lies you tell yourself.
"... and most guys want sex ASAP." That is a major problem with dating!!! Apparently some (not all) men assume if you don't sleep with them within a certain timeframe or right away? You're not interested in them and they move on to the next person.
Yeah, that doesn't work for me. I cannot sleep with a man unless I'm emotionally attached to him and know he's not just using me for sex. It's sad that being conservative and not jumping into bed right away is seen as a bad thing by some people nowadays!
I know right! I think they are just slutty, for wan of a better word. Like they may assume you're not interested if you don't have sex straight away, but I think over and above that, they just want sex. It's so lame, and so unattractive.
Exactly this is also one of the reasons I hate dating. If they want sex then they can pay the prostitutes to do it and not to destroy some good girl's life. We are not an object.
This is why i hate dating to. The assumption from women that all guys are like that. I have the opposite problem. I don't connect with women very well. I may find a woman outwardly attractive but so what. I need to know her and trust her before i can feel anything towards her... that only comes with time. And it's been my experience that almost all women catch those feelings and lose interest in me, if they had interest in me before i develop feelings for her. Which to me just comes off as women are just really fickle
Too quiet, too awkward, no personality, have the intelligence and common sense of a coffee table, annoy or anger people without realizing it and with no intent of doing so...
But then again, in my 26 years of being alive, have I ever actually put effort into getting a date? No.
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