Why is dating advice now so focused on strategy. Both gender seems to have it out for each other. Isn’t dating about compatibility and love?

[Anonymous]

I’ve found that almost all modern dating advice is about keeping multiple partners and mating sure not to put in too much effort etc etc. The men are always saying the women do xyz million things wrong, and make false assumptions about women’s own feelings. The women are bitter about all men which skews their opinion of other men when they’re just not meeting genuinely decent people which is not about gender but who you attract morally. I don’t understand how any of you date when all you’re thinking about is beating the other one somehow. No one is worthy or unworthy of anyone else it’s just about the connection you both feel.

Is love not a thing anymore, isn’t the that what a relationship is about? I don’t get how anyone, especially the people on this site interact with anyone of the opposite gender considering how much y’all act like you hate each other. It’s so much easier to trust that the right one will come, I’ve never had an issue dating when you take the mindset. There’s always good men and women but you have to respect yourself and and them while knowing there’s always going to be another day if it doesn’t work out. I promise all men and women in the world aren’t plotting against you.

[inhua]

strategy is absolutely necessary in this day and age. it is simply a minefield out there for both men and women plus there are "unwritten rules" that everybody is encouraged to abide by yet every now and then these rules can get flaunted

vetting processes are always going to require strategy. those go into it unprepared will often face the consequences should something go horribly wrong

while not everything goes horribly wrong, for the small percent of potential incidences that can go wrong, the consequences can be disastrous. not every man out there is a rapist or a murderer but why let your guard down completely? just like not every woman will accuse you of rape or domestic violence but should that ever happen, a man's life can be ruined drastically. of course the Halo Effect can allow such people bypasses these rules e. g. Ted Bundy, Jeremy Meeks, Amber Heard, Casey Anthony etc.

if there were 10 different pills in a bottle, 1 is laced with cyanide and you must pick one out to swallow immediately, would you feel comfortable doing it? now you are given 10 minutes to read a description of what this cyanide pill looks like, it's colors, it's texture, it's shape etc. would you feel comfortable picking out a pill to swallow?

those who choose not to prepare themselves for dating will quickly be reminded why they should've been prepared to begin with. a morbidly obese woman shouldn't be surprised why dudes don't take her seriously as relationship material. if her strategy were to lose weight first, she'd have much better chances. an ugly skinny broke dude shouldn't be shocked why he's being creep shamed despite not objectively showing any signs of a creepiness. if his strategy were to get stronger, richer and more handsome he wouldn't have to deal with this BS to begin with

love is nothing more than a justification of our lust for another person. all things considered equal why is an attractive woman like Emma Stone more worthy of love than say Rebel Wilson? why is a man like Jeremy Meeks more worthy of love than say Joseph Merrick? at the end of the day since nobody is entitled to love, when nobody finds someone attractive, they simply ain't worthy of love. it's not that difficult for people to discern if they had X, Y or Z that some outcomes would be drastically different. for example Jonah Hill and Chris Hemsworth's lives would be completely if they looked like the other person instead, same goes for an ugly woman vs a hot woman

[Asker]

Aside from literal safety I’ve never met someone in real life who had to do strategy work. Just meet people and be decent like everyone else. You meet better people that way, you’re totally overthinking it man.

[inhua]

everybody puts in work. do you think the handsome guy with the nice hair and buff body didn't have to put in any work? how about the beautiful lady who stays in shape and puts on makeup?

love sounds great on paper but it's not the same in practice. with the exception of blood-related family members, nobody truly loves someone they're not attracted to. it doesn't matter how good of a person they are. we don't live in a perfect world where good is always rewarded and bad is always punished. you never know the type of person you could be dealing with. they could be completely stoic and unfazed or get seriously offended at single wrong detail.

we are still animals at the end of the day and Mother Nature dictates that good genes must be passed on to the next generation, character plays very little role in the grand scheme of things. the Halo Effect and Devil Effect can't be ignored and the current culture enables that greatly

[Asker]

Say what you want man but no one outside has to think about this stuff. There’s someone for everyone.

[inhua]

we don't have to think about this stuff when the stats already exist. marriages are at a all-time low, 60% of them end in divorce. breakups, cheating, infidelity are happening around us. even then it's mathematically impossible for there to be someone for everyone

[Asker]

just date man literally this is crazy shit💀

[TheMadLad]

I agree.

Just have your own way of thinking about relationships.

I sometimes miss the days where men and women were just different and they liked it.

[Normaldude444]

There is a reason why most people who write modern dating assays end up old and single.

[Asker]

not sure if this is meant against me but I’m happily engaged :)

[Normaldude444]

Why would it be against you? Do you write dating essays? I don't know you.

[Asker]

I assumed you were saying that because I wrote a lot about my opinion in it. Nothing rude, just confused a bit.

[BarryLiverstone]

Because you are not hearing dating advice. What you are hearing is venting and frustrations. Why do you believe this is dating advice?

[Asker]

the dating advice I hear is to date multiple people, don’t put in to much effort, don’t date women who do xyz, don’t tell the other person you love them, don’t go here for a first date, etc etc

[BarryLiverstone]

Like I said that’s not dating advice. What is the source of this data?

[BarryLiverstone]

I’ll try to answer your original question. There are some guidelines and best practices you can follow to increase your chances of forming a successful relationship. You mentioned it’s about love but love is the end goal; these rules help you along the journey that starts with you and a stranger. You can’t meet someone and fall in love the same day

[Asker]

I don’t know what dating advice you’re hearing and what exactly you even disagree with. We can hear different things but this is what i most commonly hear as well as other people responding. My point is be yourself, be a decent person, meet enough people, and you’ll find someone you connect with point blank period. No need for all the restrictions and rules.

[BarryLiverstone]

Let’s break down some common guidelines and the reasons for them:

1. Meet your date in public and get there on your own

This is a safety concern. Some people will meet at their dates home and once they are in the house they are less safe with a stranger who could abuse them.

2. Date multiple people

This doesn’t mean to actually have multiple boyfriends. What this advice is meant to do is keep someone from focusing all their time and efforts only on one person often before you even meet on the first date. When someone does that they miss out on other opportunities.

3. Don’t tell them you love them.

This is about timing. Sure expressing love is special and encouraged.. but don’t say it the first week you met. When someone says it too soon it’s sometimes a lie to manipulate and sometimes is confusing love with lust.

4. Don’t put in too much effort

No one who is healthy likes to feel smothered or trapped. Again this is said during the initial stages of dating to prevent someone from getting too attached quickly and obsessing. Can be a major turn off. Just imagine you meet a stranger and 4 days later they are calling you every hour and begging to see you.

I agree with you that being a decent person makes sense but you can read these reasons for the feedback given.

[Asker]

I think this is perfectly fine advice but what you don’t realize is that this isn’t the usual stuff most people are hearing these days. These are reasonable versions of dating etiquette I hear that is taken wayyy to far. For example not putting in effort at all to show the person isn’t important to you or you’re too busy for them etc to make them chase you. Like I said we can hear different advice and that’s fine, but this is what I and many others hear today, I’m glad that isn’t the advice you’re getting.

[BarryLiverstone]

So I originally said you are not hearing actual dating advice. You are hearing venting from bitter people. As you just said they are taking things to the extremes and like on this site telling people to give no effort which if you took their advice you wouldn’t attract a good person.

This is why I asked your source of your information. If you are getting all this feedback from here and other socials it’s likely you are getting bad advice. But if you were getting advice from your older family members or advice you pay for it’s likely it’s not this toxic

[DextroShade]

This is what feminism and social media have done to the dating market and everybody is worse off for it.

[Asker]

Definitely not the fault of feminism but, I won’t go into your beliefs on what that means to you etc. I don’t think you read my post fully. Men blaming women for a joint effort like you’re doing now is a big part of the problem too.

[DextroShade]

It is absolutely the fault of feminism for three main reasons:

1. Feminism encouraged women to work and told them they don't need a man. Most women won't even consider a man who makes less than they do, and many are projected to die alone. In the past when women were mostly homemakers this wasn't an issue.

2. The normalization of promiscuity and sex work has left many women unsuitable for relationships and marriages. As a woman's partner count increases the likelihood she will stay in a relationship decreases.

3. #metoo and no-fault divorce have made dealing with women a risk. An unsubstantiated accusation can ruin a man's life and a woman can walk away from a marriage for any reason and take half a man's assets.

[TadCurious]

Your question and well written details are spot on. I totally agree with you.

[Likes2drive]

It’s certainly changed from when I was your age, everyone is playing games and no commitment

[dragoblack]

Supposed to be but most have forgotten that it is supposed to be best friends with romantic benefits