How can I be less shallow?

Question

So, everyone who knows me on this site, knows that my ex fiance was the absolute epitome of masculinity and when I stood next to him, I always knew all the girls were jealous of me, I felt proud and happy to have him and I loved him a lot.

I have rejected a lot of guys because they weren’t my type. They were all attractive in their own ways. And they weren’t bad or anything, they were just not as ideal as my ex.

Here’s the thing, now there’s this plastic surgeon, who wants to have a serious relationship with me.

He wants to take me to Disney on our first date and already plans trips around China for both of us and already plans the birthday surprise for me. I don’t really want to go to Disney with him because I was there with my ex and I wouldn’t like my memories to be spoiled by these new memories with someone else.

So, I don’t find him attractive at all. Not only he’s not half as attractive as my ex fiance but I wouldn’t even feel tiny bit attracted to him I think. Because I am very picky and I have followed these standards for years. And I have very specific type I am attracted to.

I understand that he’s a very nice person and would love me deeply if I gave a chance, but… I can’t seem to force myself to like him and I feel bad for this.

How do I get less shallow? Or why do I prefer being single than lowering my standards even a bit?

desidoll · Accepted Answer

By looking at the long-term consequences that you are going to deal with. My sister was exactly like you. She used to be with this man whom she viewed as perfect in every aspect, but they broke up because of their religion difference. Since then, no man can be as “perfect” because every man will be compared to him. She is 39 now, childless and miserable. All of her friends avoid her, literally nobody could get along with her because she is always pessimistic/toxic all the time which I suspect stem from her loneliness. Whenever she likes a guy, he is either taken or not interested in her due to her age. Not only that, she has to bear with the fact that it is unlikely for her to conceive which is making things a lot worse because when men marry you, they may want to have kids. As we get older, our looks fade and we no longer have the same value. It is shallow but that just how it works for us. Older men have no problem finding a quality partner, but it won’t be the same for us. Not to mention that you have to compete with other younger women. I am not saying that you can’t find your perfect soul mate, but it is going to be extremely difficult in a long run. I understand that you don’t want to settle for less, but you need to be ready with the outcome. Just think of it in a broader spectrum.

kylee2437 · Accepted Answer

So although I think you should end this talking stage, I think you need to look at dating a different way. All those attractive exes are now your exes. So here’s the thing: why prioritize looks when you prioritizing looks hasn’t worked out for you? Why not prioritize someone that actually does good things for you and does exactly what you want a relationship to go? Someone’s who you want is not someone you should date vs someone that you typically wouldn’t go for is going to lead you to a happy relationship. If you truly want a relationship and a future relationship, looks will no longer be a priority. That doesn’t mean find someone completely ugly to you, however you need to start looking at how people treat you

Summeroflove · Accepted Answer

You don’t HAVE to date anyone. But at the same time nobody has to date you either…

Sometimes people aren’t bad they aren’t our type. Not only do yourself a favor. But also do them a favor. If you’re not into them…. Then don’t be with them. Don’t make them waste time and money on someone that doesn’t even wanna be with tjem.

Be OPEN and HONEST about your feelings. If you want to give it a chance. Express that they’re not your type and that you don’t wanna go to Disney because it was where your ex and you went and that you’re willing to give it a chance just to see if you build attraction.

No you can’t force yourself to be attracted to someone. It’s not only wrong for yourself to lie. But it’s also more hurtful to them then to just outright reject them.

But like I say if you’re honest. You can see if you give it a chance where it may go

EricSummer · Accepted Answer

You are too hard on yourself when describing yourself as shallow. I think it is a good thing that you are rejecting that plastic surgeon who you are not really attracted to. There are women who would find his resources irresistible.

I suggest you become more active in looking for a partner. Even though many men are interested in you, they are usually not your type and you turn them down. Instead you could make the choice and approach the ones you want. If you are too traditional to ask for a date outright, you can at least signal interest directly to the right guys.

Make sure you are not looking for your ex in other men. Still, if you want one as manly as he was that's absolutely fine.

ShadezMcgee · Answer

You keep comparing everyone to this ex and this is a big contribution to the shallowness you have. You already have automatic rejection ready to go for any man who does not hold a candle to this ex of yours regardless of their personality, lifestyle, and looks because you lusted over the way you ex LOOKED.

Attraction comes and goes and can be built upon so long as the behavior truly contributes to building it, not taking from it. That said this doctor probably wasn't a good fit because the man is already doing too much too fast. Planning to take you to Disney Land, spots around China AND a birthday surprise when you haven't even gone on one date yet? Way too much and comes off as love bombing.

What exactly is your "type"? Include looks, attitude, personality, dealbreakers, etc. All you are fixed on is looks amd you will continue to fail and fail hard with finding someone if that is your baseline for attraction.

Friendlybro79 · Answer

Your last question is a great question for a psychologist not us. How do I get less shallow? You might not know how but age potentially will humble you. You might start to see less people your type interested in you and might start seeing looks aren't everything as you start to lose them. If this sounds harsh it's not supposed to. I also can't say this will happen to you but it might. This is the equivalent to learning the hard way. The easier way is to not put all stock in someone's look. I get needing to be attracted but your standards to meet your ex is where I think a therapist needs to help you. Something is going on there that a trained professional can help you with. We can't do that here for you.

Truthatanycost · Answer

'I understand that he’s a very nice person and would love me deeply if I gave a chance, but… I can’t seem to force myself to like him and I feel bad for this.'

Don't feel bad for it. The man has a lot to learn and you are saving him from a big mistake. It's just a shame he is so naive! In your case, you've forgotten who you are beneath the surface and will remember some time later.

MementoMori777 · Answer

Shallowness is a self created feeling, if you want to conquer it, you'll have to fight it, only way to do that is by giving the dude a chance, if you stay in your shallowness bubble then you'll never defeat it, it's also possible for their appearance to grow on you as your grow emotions towards them.

DextroShade · Answer

You are alpha widowed and you had best either get over it or get back with your ex if possible. Make your choice soon because plastic surgeons have options while yours are dwindling. You should also know that the most miserable people are single childless women in their 40s. Choose wisely.

msc545 · Answer

Not to be mean but you know me weell enough by now that you know if you ask I will tell you straighht up:|

You will get less shallow or very unhappy when your looks start to go (and they will) and you cannot attractr the kind of men you are attracted to now. You have very little insight into what is a very substantial problem. You are running out of time and you cannot replace time.

FreyaRed · Answer

"How can I be less shallow? " With accepting the most credible answer to a question, not one that makes you most comfortable.

Gent207-2 · Answer

Sounds Luke you are trapped in your own cognitive Paradox. You need a good therapist to help you dig yourself out

mommymommymommy · Answer

You can be whatever you want. We just want people to admit they are. Trumps a criminal, will he ever admit it, no. Because well, he's trump

Juxtapose · Answer

Well let's hope you get lucky soon because good luck with being that picky 15 years down the road.

Anonymous · Answer

Sorry but i just have a constant feeling if disgust

Babygirl_S · Answer

I didn't know anything about you.

shades777 · Answer

then don't date him 😂

Mrgoodstuff62 · Answer

Why did your ex break up with you?

CubaPirate · Answer

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