How long do you usually try to get to know a person before asking them out/agreeing to go out?

[DizzyDesii]

The norm for me could be anywhere between 1-3 months. I have to scope out the dude and see what I’m getting myself into. I miss school because it was easier to see how people carried themselves in class/on campus before agreeing to go off somewhere with em. I don’t go to church as much anymore but work and worship are also good spots to get a read on a person. On the plus side, you don’t have to scope em out as long nor tell them you’re interested just yet because you’re getting to see the classmates, coworkers, and congregation in person weekly. Now of course we also come across people temporarily at malls, sporting events, grocery stores, gas stations, bars, clubs, libraries, online, etc. Because we don’t technically know them yet, the read takes longer. This is where texting, phone calls, and video chats often come in. In this case, I definitely do the 1-3 months. But its more nervewrecking because someone has to admit they’re even interested in order to even get to know one another. Anyways, do you try to interact with a person for some days/weeks/months first, or do you like to cut to the chase and date a perfect stranger?

#FeelFreeToList

Updates

+1 y

Lmao i’m confused. I get talkin to other people while you’re getting to know someone (unless you mutually state otherwise). I get going on a 1st date with someone. But what I dont get is the 2nd/3rd/4th date stuff. By the end of the 1st date, how can you not tell if you want to become official (and cut off the sides)? Going on a 2nd date allows us to still talk to sides during this time. I mean if thats what you want? But dates ain't the MAIN “tryouts” to me. Talking a month first is 😂

[Lliam]

Immediately. Going on dates is how you get to know someone.

I wouldn't just walk up to a complete stranger and ask her on a date. We would have to at least chat for a while and get a read on each other. And then a first date would be more like asking if they would like to get some coffee or breakfast sometime.

If they are not interested or sociable enough for that, no prob. I'm not going to waste time doing impersonal things like texting forever. Why would I even be interested enough in them at that point to do so?

I don't need to know their entire life history before simply chatting with them in person in a safe, public setting.

Then again, I grew up at a time when people didn't use "devices" to create barriers.

[DizzyDesii]

This is what im referring to “ I wouldn't just walk up to a complete stranger and ask her on a date. We would have to at least chat for a while and get a read on each other. And then a first date...” I’m asking how long do you try to get to know her before walking up on her

[DizzyDesii]

I also wouldn't text for more than a week. I need phone calls, in person, etc

[Lliam]

If an attractive stranger and I met each other by chance and she was friendly and we started chatting, that's all I would need. If I didn't ask her out, I would miss my chance because, otherwise, we would probably never meet again.

[DizzyDesii]

Thats why people ask for numbers. Wym? He better ask for my number long before he asks for a date. Im not going out with someone i haven't even communicated with for more than a day/week

[shades777]

I agree with his disposition on not needing an entire backstory before going on a date, the date is where all that happens, they reveal what they want to reveal and that is telling in and of itself. You learn to read people by going on a lot of dates and you learn yourself as well

[BoopBoopBeep]

15 minutes or so for me

[KingOfMe1]

That's the difference between men and women. They need to know everything before they even give you the time of day. Yet a date would literally solve the issue. Then they wonder why you don't want a 2nd date lol.

[iron_ninjs]

Depends on how much time we spend texting and talking to each other. If we talk every day, even for a few minutes, it will take me less time to get to know someone. So it would be around two weeks in that scenario. The less we talk, the more time I'll need. But, it's usually no more than a month. Because, if you don't talk regularly, and it's always you that initiates contact, that means the other person isn't interested.

[DizzyDesii]

Soooo true

[DizzyDesii]

Oddly enough, i tend to meet clingers. They cling hard the week or 2 as if im gonna bounce 🤣 Maybe its their way of hogging the phone call to make sure i dont talk to anyone else. But i got 2 phones 🤷‍♀️

[iron_ninjs]

It's different if they're clingy. You could talk maybe once or twice a day, just don't hogg the phone and text/call every hour.

[DizzyDesii]

I mean I dont mind clingy dudes. I just find it funny if they think that hogging my line is gonna stop me from talking to other people while we’re “unofficial”. When it comes to texts, i just like the good morning/good night. When it comes to phone calls, i like at least one short one in the day and one long one at night. When it comes to video chat, at least once weekly.

[iron_ninjs]

That's a reasonable amount. In fact, it's probably the ideal amount of text/calls/video chats

[DizzyDesii]

Yay :) And 30 day minimum isn't even bad right?

[iron_ninjs]

It's not bad. Everyone does this at their own pace.

[DizzyDesii]

Cool cool

[Sarahr123]

So I need to personally know the person in person to even have any kind of attraction to them. I couldn’t like someone I met online just by looking at a picture of a hot guy. I need to see them physically in front of me and feel a spark first. Besides you could see a photo of a hot guy online and he could have terrible hygiene and smell awful or something.

I also need to know that the person is serious about getting married before going ahead with anything. I’d take a good three-six months to vet the person and ensure they’re compatible with me and on the same wavelength, and that I can trust them before going out with them.

[DizzyDesii]

Okay so if its online, I need to get to know them a while by phone call, text and video before agreeing to a date. When we go on the date, thats how you’re testing hygeine, the walk, posture, etc. If the date goes great then we may become official by the end of it. I dont do 2nd, 3rd, etc dates. If i dont see myself with you by the end of the first date, ima bounce

[Paul_in_Indy]

You’re limiting yourself to only those guys who will agree to be official after one date. You may have been thinking about them and making decisions about them when interacting with them casually at school or wherever (as an adult, how do you spend months interacting with someone without going on a date with them? I guess I’d be limited to only dating coworkers maybe?) but the guy may not have been paying any attention to you during that time; not that kind of attention. He probably needs to go out a few times to know what he thinks about you.

I mean obviously this has worked out for you and you have your system and you know what you want. But for the sake of the wider conversation between all of us here, I think it’s a good idea to allow your potential boyfriend or girlfriend multiple dates to make a big decision about relationship stuff.

[DizzyDesii]

@Paul_in_Indy Multiple dates would not work for me if he's expecting commitment. The longer we’re unofficial, the more i’ll likely be talking to other dudes. Gotta lock me down once you get to know me 🤷‍♀️

[Paul_in_Indy]

Except I wouldn’t get to know you, because we would have had one milkshake together.

[Paul_in_Indy]

I’m not a guy who is going to accept your request to be my girlfriend on our first date. Now, obviously, you wouldn’t be interested in me; so that doesn’t matter. But you are limits by yourself to only guys who commit very quickly.

[DizzyDesii]

@Paul_in_Indy i get to know the guy before the date as i said. I don't know what you’d do with your 2/3/4/5 dates. I wouldn't waste my time like that lmao. And it wouldn't be a request. Its a mutual thing. Thats why i get to know guys who are already on the same page. It may be fewer but its worth it

[Agape93]

Until their background check comes back and we vibe well

[DizzyDesii]

Do you really do those 😭🤣

[Agape93]

Ohhhhh yeah. I do them for a living, I have 0 issues doing it outside of work

[DizzyDesii]

Im not gonna admit what i used to do at work when asked out by a client. But it was like mmm hold up I remember your file... no 🤣🤣

[Agape93]

Lol its saved me a couple bad matches so I won't stop

[justabuddy]

I literally laughed out loud at this.

[DizzyDesii]

@Agape93
I tried to tune it out cause i felt bad lmao

[Agape93]

Lol.

[jennifer_bloom]

I can find somebody attractive very quickly but trust usually takes miles of time to become real but once trust and desire are built, I’m ready to date.

[DizzyDesii]

Nice

[kylee2437]

Taking 3 months to actually accept going on a date with someone is insane girl lol if the vibes are well, within a week I’m going on a date with them.

[kylee2437]

But now I don’t feel that bad for keeping this man in the talking stage for three months, there’s women not accepting a date for that amount of time 🤣

[DizzyDesii]

I said 1 to 3 months lol. Back in school for example, class might start and there was no way i’d date someone after a week of being around them. I need at least a month. It Usually takes 3 weeks to see the whole boat of true colors

[kylee2437]

I mean you aren’t committing your life, you are just accepting a date lol how do you keep a person interested in that without in person interaction?

[DizzyDesii]

Did you read the long paragraph above? There are ways, trust

[kylee2437]

Of course I did, but I’m not really correlating how non person interactions can build trust lol I’m just curious though in all honesty

[DizzyDesii]

For example, if i met someone on here, we’re gonna goof around on here for some weeks or a month or two before taking things offline. Offline we’d do phone/video calls and stuff since we practically texted on here. Month 3 or 4, we’d go on an in person date and move forward from there

[BoopBoopBeep]

What's "the talking stage?" If you and I are talking for three months that's not three months I'm not dating, that's three months I'm not dating YOU, which means if it goes well with someone else we're never making it to that first date.

[DizzyDesii]

@BoopBoopBeep thats not surprising considering we would both be talking to other people during that time. For me, I gotta narrow down the options based off personality, values, morals, mindsets, etc til I figure out who I wanna go on the actual date with. You just so happen to figure yours out by perhaps dating them all at once. It is what it is

[kylee2437]

@BoopBoopBeep well that’s the point, if you hit it off with someone else, then I definitely don’t need you as a significant other. We aren’t starting out as strangers and dating after a month, that is rather absolutely insane. If you can’t wait, you don’t deserve any kind of relationship.

[BoopBoopBeep]

@kylee2437 I have never even met a man that's waited a month to go on a date. Most of my male friends are married, so they got some kind of relationship, but they're not back on the Amish farm where the family has to approve and chaperone the first date either.

For vast chunks of modern society "We aren’t starting out as strangers and dating after a month, that is rather absolutely insane" has been categorically untrue. When you go pick somebody up at a bar, you trade numbers, you're going out the next weekend if not the next night. I've gotten the number of quite possibly a hundred strangers over the years when I was single. 19 in a month was my record (June 09) right before I deployed and was in super jacked shape. I went out on a date with all of them over the next 45-60 days, most of them in the first 30.

If I can't wait I don't deserve... there's no reason to finish that sentence. I'm not GOING to wait 30 days before you even go get coffee so you can hide behind artificial barriers and have "interactions" where people can lie far more easily than in real life. Every man and woman I served with who is married has had at least one serious relationship that went the same way.

Maybe this is a nomenclature thing. When you say "we're not dating after a month"... do you mean as in "we are not in a relationship?" because if that's the case, yes, you and I agree, we're just not using the same terms. If you're saying "we will not go on a date until after a month"... I honestly don't know any man who would invest that much time in anyone that can't "ist or get off the pot" any more than that.

I am legitimately glad it's working out for you though. I think that's awesome that you've found a niche of men you like who will do that. Good on ya! as we say.

[kylee2437]

@BoopBoopBeep you clearly are quick to reply without reading because I never said I wait a month to go on dates with people.

[BoopBoopBeep]

@kylee2437
you said "We aren’t starting out as strangers and dating after a month, that is rather absolutely insane."... i thought the inference was it would take longer. In which case I don't see how my answer is inappropriate. Did you mean shorter?

[kylee2437]

@BoopBoopBeep I meant in terms of a relationship. I will not get into a relationship with someone only after a month. I give going on a first date a 1-2 week timeline , otherwise I feel like a guy is typically wasting time or we just aren’t hitting it off enough. I was in question as to why the OP waits 1-3 months , but her dating style is different than mine

[BoopBoopBeep]

@kylee2437
Well then I blame it all on my rescue kitten distracting me :P

[kylee2437]

@BoopBoopBeep awww congrats on the new pet 🥺 cats are the best. My current cat is going on 18 years old! Love her to death

[BoopBoopBeep]

@kyl

[BoopBoopBeep]

damnit... premature send... @kylee2437... this one is actually almost three, but she's still a kitten on the inside. I got her because her mom abandoned her and the farmer found her with the ducks instead. They were keeping her warm while she was wobbly. She waddles a little bit and quacks when she's excited.

[ShadezMcgee]

As a guy you don't have a long window to make a move and ask a woman out if she interests you. We need to make a move quick both with intent to ask out and when it comes to pushing for something intimate. Each time we delay and put it off the less potential we have to be seen as a potential boyfriend and more as a friend.

If we try to date a woman who wantsbto just play the friendly vibe or try to see if we have potential in her eyes, we view it as lack of interest on her end amd we have more of a chance to just talk ourselves out of her liking us. So no. We make the move within the first day of meeting them or second time seeing them. No time to fuck around for a month as a guy lest you want it to backfire.

[DizzyDesii]

I wish guys knew that that first paragraph isn't true for every girl. If anything it makes me want them more because they’re patient. Your second paragraph shows that a lot of guys must be thinking the way you assumed women would lol

[ShadezMcgee]

I am telling you the truth, Dizzy. It is a numbers game and if we want to reach intimacy with a woman, we cannot afford to play the friend card or wait that long because she will assume that we have no confidence and aren't willing to take a risk and fail. Playing it safe when trying to date a woman is a quick way a guy will disqualify himself. I will admit not all women do this, but they are few and far in between and that is more beneficial and in our favor to not do that method you would do.

There is a reason why we try to get women on dates first and figure out if they have potential trial for more first rather than wait as long like you want. Because the longer we wait, the quicker we just become a friend, and if a guy wants a girlfriend, being the friend first is the wrong and worst thing they can do. Better to be blunt and upfront than lie and wait and become upset from expectation. Men speak from experience.

Have you ever talked to a guy you liked or caught your eye for that long without losing attraction or wanting more than friendship or nothing at all because you want to do these little phone calls and texting back and forth game? Time is everything and I personally see it as a waste for a man to do that method you follow.

[DizzyDesii]

he's not friendzoned though by me getting to know him for a month or two. I’ll have been flirting and saying stuff to make that clear lmao. I think y'all are overthinking it. Just flirt and if we flirt in return, you’re good to go. If it seems one sided, get those backups. Trust me, girls play a numbers game too. If we feel brushed off, we’re gonna rack up too lol. But my thing is, when a person and I have mutually agreed to only talk to one another then everyone else gets cut off. I grew up watching The Apprentice. I’m not afraid to drop someone 😂 But yea, I have never lived by the “friend first” motto. Its hard to escape that zone, man or woman. I wouldn't dare put myself in that. I’m just saying I want to get to know a person before going out. Because once we go on that date, its likely to end in a kiss or something. And i dont want that from the get go before getting to know them. Also, all my posts on here bash friendship 🤣 y'all know i dont believe in that. I’d date someone and become friends along the way but i dont need to be their friend first. I just need to get to know them while we’re both crushing

[ShadezMcgee]

When I say friend I mean approaching it as such, not trying to be a friend. More in the sense of playing it safe and doing what you suggest. Waiting for a whole month and only texting and phone calls minus a date is not ideal because now say you do make it a month and the chemistry doesn't translate or match the in person experience? You know how disappointing that is and the time in hindsight you waste if that happens when you could have found someone sooner by going on dates and doing the exact opposite?

That is why it is beneficial as a guy to talk to multiple women and date multiple women at the same time. until you find the best one you click with before cutting everyone else off cold turkey. That is why you can date and get to know. Like I said, as a guy you cannot afford to play that game with one girl for that long. It is just a blue ball and or frustrating nightmare. All that flirting and teasing for over a month if not three before getting even a kiss? Not worth it. It just comes across as a strung along and teasing one sided match up that clearly favors the woman rather than both.

If a woman is that structured in dating she will be like that if not more structured when married to her.

[DizzyDesii]

The time isn't wasted because people are talking to multiples during this time. Its not just phone and text. there's video chat as well. I know if i have chemistry with someone by hour 1, day 3, week 2. I just want to keep talking for at least a full month before hanging out in person. It can be a hangout or a date. Once we meet in person, thats when we’re testing full appearancec hygeine, posture, walk, talk, etc. But before this date men and women are gonna be talking to all their dudes/girls. Idc about that. I just need to know if he was physical with anyone the week he's taking me out. Cause thats nasty. Also, we’re gonna get tested before the date even though sex isn't on the table yet. I say this because who knows what could happen. Im pretty good at self control when it comes to sex, but that doesn't mean other stuff won't happen. I dont do 2nd/3rd/4th dates. I know by the end of date 1 if i want to become official or bounce and he needs to know too.

[BoopBoopBeep]

"I just want to keep talking for at least a full month before hanging out in person"

There is literally no woman in the world I have ever known or heard of that I would talk to for a month before going out with in person.

And I have known some truly phenomenal women. But I didn't get to know them through electronic barriers. If life's so scary that they need to only do text/calls/video then we're not going to work out anyway.

How did people date BEFORE cellphones existed? Answer: Easily.

[DizzyDesii]

@BoopBoopBeep As i said, if i see them at work on the daily or in person somewhere, the same thing follows... text/phone calls for at least a month even if we’re speaking daily in person. Talking to them in person does not make it a date

[BoopBoopBeep]

@DizzyDesii

Gotcha, but before cellphones/chat/text messages were a thing, people went on dates with individuals who were not necessarily coworkers, just some random guy that they smiled at at the hardware store or a guy they thought was cute walking into a gas station, or a guy they bumped into (literally) at the museum. All three of those are situations that I've been asked out at. None of us worked together or hung out daily.

[DizzyDesii]

I stated that at the very top under the question. Its people who i run into at the store that I’m mainly trying to talk to by phone before a date. If a random said “Hey can i take you out?” I’d respond “Why not ask for my number first?” If im not ready to give my #, then i sure as heck ain't ready to go out. The # is the safe route. Coworkers/classmates save a little time because i saw them daily, but still they gotta go through it too cause I’m looking to have phone calls/video chat for at least a good 30 days before steppin out on the scene with em. people in my town are territorial af. Everybody knows everybody. I can't go out with Josh and let Brian see that. If Brian only ever got my number, he’d wonder why Josh the perks. I gotta talk to both otp 1st and get to know em. But i can tell within a good hour of the call if i want to keep talking. The more days/weeks I talk to someone I’m vibing with, the more I find out if he’s on that bullshit or not. I can talk to 3 dudes and let all 3 know about eachother. They’d understand. They may not like it but they’d understand because they’re likely talking to other girls. So far they have respected that I’m keeping it real. Only one dude had a problem with it, so he bounced, but ate that narrowed down the list so thats a pro. As I get to know em, more will scratch themselves off the list by saying something silly. Great! Who i choose to take on the date will likely end with a kiss so i HAD to narrow it down since I refuse to kiss multiple dudes in a day/week/mth. If the date ends up sucking, cool. I get to go back to the drawing board, meet new dudes, and flirt my way from there. Since 2019, i’ve kept it real from the jump about getting to know multiples (and I do mean solely getting to know through convo, not being physical until i’ve made a choice of ONE). people these days go get physical with multiples but that ain't me

[BoopBoopBeep]

See I disagree. If I have your number I can blow it up with rando calls in the middle of the night and you have to change your number. The "safest" is let's go to get coffee/dinner/airplane tickets NOW, and if it doesn't work out we do NOT exchange numbers and nobody can stalk the other one.

[DizzyDesii]

@BoopBoopBeep it only cost $7 to change my phone number 🤣 But i’m also not afraid to cuss a mf out for blowing me up. I mean i slick like clingy dudes but too many expect you to cling in return, and well, I just dont until I’m in love with em. For example, The coffee date is a very special type of date to me. Its simple but its like a dream date. I’m like a business. I’d only want to take my most valued customers there 😭😂 I cannot take all 3 dudes there because then the spot won’t be special anymore. I need to talk to them all by phone (or at work or wherever) and THEN only take the one who best suits me. I need someone who is on the same page in terms of morals, values, beliefs, interests, etc. Dates are MAJOR. I dont want to waste a good outfit on a dude I hardly knew. If I legit HAD to go on multiple dated with multiple people, I’d just say fck it and showup in my pajamas. I’m big on effort but some of these folks dont deserve you at your best. I just wanna make sure they’re the closest thing to the right one for me before i step out with them

[BoopBoopBeep]

@DizzyDesii
You got a strategy that works for you... I'm not hatin'. Go get after it!

[Fabiloso]

I do think church is a better place to get a good read on someone. It's a place where people can let themselves be vulnerable, can show a lot of sfter sides than school where friends are watching and you know the vibe changes. I'd say like a couple hours worth of actually talking spread through however many days is usually enough to determine how genuine they are. Especially these days there's very clear telling just in how girls talk. If they talk normally then thats almost enough of a plus to warrant a date asking but only if there's some sort of unique clicking we got going already.

[DizzyDesii]

True

[Paul_in_Indy]

Just to go out on a date? I don’t need to have known her for longer than it takes to smile at each other and say hello. I mean, normally I’d known her for a little longer than that, but I will absolutely ask for a date from someone I just met if I think she’d be receptive. I can get to know her on our date. That’s what dates are for.

[DizzyDesii]

Not to me but okay

[Paul_in_Indy]

I know. I think you have a very standard for what qualifies as a date, maybe? If we just go out, drink coffee, talk, laugh, have some fun, that’s a date in my book. It’s the thing you start with, rather than the thing you work up to you.

[DizzyDesii]

What you described is a date to me too. It just doesn't happen until I've known him at least a month first. I work up to it to avoid my time being wasted. Its easier to balance multiple options that way. If i go out with one then i’d feel bad for not having gone out with them all. Gotta narrow down who has similar values, beliefs, goals etc then i’ll choose that person to go out with. The others will likely get dropped if the date goes well

[Paul_in_Indy]

But you’d never learn my values, goals, beliefs, etc…because we didn’t spend any time together…because you didn’t want to go on a date. After high school or college, most of us don’t have a lot of casually unstructured interaction with people. The only way you would spend weeks or months talking with me would be to accept my invitation to grab a sandwich and hang out.

[DizzyDesii]

No i wouldn't learn them because you chose to jump to the date. My first date is always a fun activity of enjoying one anothers company. Neither one of us are looking to play 21 questions because we did that before the date

[Paul_in_Indy]

I just don’t understand where we did all that talking before we had a date. Do we make an appointment for couples’ therapy in a doctor’s office?

[DizzyDesii]

We talk by phone, text and video. Think of if you were friends with gamers online. You always goof around online but one day you all agree to meet up. Like that except its a date

[Paul_in_Indy]

That would BE a date with my video game friends. (But, of course, the only way I’d have a bunch of friends I only hung out with online would be if they were very far away.) If you and I arranged to meet by video chat to hang out, that would be a date…just a really annoying one. If you can’t trust me enough to be in the same room with me to talk, even after a month, I am pretty sure it is never going to work. But if we make an appointment to hang out, how is that NOT a date?

[Paul_in_Indy]

Anyway… Interesting conversation. I am the inverse of you on this. I would never be willing to talk to someone on the phone for any length of time (and definitely not video chat) unless we had some established relationship. I only spend time on the phone with close friends—and we only became friends by hanging out in the same place. If you wanted to call me to “hang out” but wouldn’t eat an ice cream sundae with me, that would be completely backwards in my world.

[Paul_in_Indy]

Thanks for sharing. I will stop bothering you.

[DizzyDesii]

Now you’re confusing yourself. I said the videochat/phone/etc is happening the first 30 days. The date is pretty much once that month is up so what are you going on about?

[Paul_in_Indy]

If we make an appointment to hang out, that’s a date. If we do it by video chat, it’s just an annoying date. :).

[DizzyDesii]

Videochat is not the date dude. Thats still part of the 30 day interview 🤣 The date is agreeing to meet up in person

[Paul_in_Indy]

But I couldn’t tolerate spending much time on the phone with someone whom I didn’t really know. And if you wouldn’t trust me far enough play mini golf with me in person, I’d think you wouldn’t want to talk to me on the phone much either. Your relationship boundaries are the reverse of mine. I need some distance and respect for our lack of relationship on the phone. But I would love to hang out in person with someone I hardly know. (Which is how I’d get to know them well enough to talk on the phone.)

[DizzyDesii]

You keep saying you wouldn't trust to talk to someone on the phone. That is ass backwards to not ask for a persons number before asking them out on a day... Anyways i wouldn't trust a first date with a stranger i met the day before who could possibly slit my throat regardless of if we’re in public or private. Like, do whats best for you and i’ll stick to my guns

[BoopBoopBeep]

" i wouldn't trust a first date with a stranger i met the day before who could possibly slit my throat regardless of if we’re in public or private"

Does that happen a lot where you live? Because a woman is more likely to be struck by lightning then have a stranger slit her throat in a public setting here. If that's the issue I'd say your first step would be moving somewhere better.

[DizzyDesii]

@BoopBoopBeep its not the issue and damn you’re super curious since you question everything. As someone else said below, we all move at our own pace. If you wanna be a roadrunner and I wanna slug it out, it is what it is

[BoopBoopBeep]

@DizzyDesii
I am curious. I find you're outlook interesting. It's very different than anything I've ever experienced. I did a lot with human nature as part of my former jobs... I ask questions to learn more about instances that differ from my experience. Did I cause offense? That wasn't the intent. Sorry, if so.

[DizzyDesii]

@BoopBoopBeep i’m not offended and aight i kinda get it

[Paul_in_Indy]

i didn’t say anything about trust and the phone. Calling me and wanting to chat on the phone is very personal. It demands my time at home and makes me converse with a disembodied voice. It’s an imposition from someone I don’t know. It’s something I do for my friends. If you won’t even get coffee with me, you aren’t one of the people who should be expecting me to talk at length on the phone.

[Paul_in_Indy]

“ Videochat is not the date dude. “
If you (as someone I don’t know except to say hello to) vidchat me out of the
blue, I won’t pick up. We have to make an appointment for that…a date. If we pan to hang out that’s a date.

This goes back to the top: You are being too precious about what a “date” is. A date is how we get to know each other. It’s a plan to meet (a date on my calendar). You ARE expecting many dates to get to know each other. …you just want those dates to be remote via an annoying interface…and you don’t want to call them, “dates.”

after you have a boyfriend who is “official,” surely you plan to meet up and do things, meet up and talk, meet up and hang out with other people, have dinner together, etc. All of those are also dates. After you’re married, surely you were going to set aside some special time to get out of the house and do something interesting; to take a breath and focus on each other. Those are also dates. You have a template where in there is only one “date “possible per person. Again, I perceive that you are trying to be extremely specific about what counts as a “date. “

[Paul_in_Indy]

and I’m glad that that works for you. You are a really interesting person and you deserve to have a really great boyfriend. And you are attractive and compelling enough that you can probably get guys to jump through your hoops in order to earn the chance to finally have a milkshake with you. I don’t doubt that does work for you. I’m glad we’re all different. You do you. I like you. I appreciate you letting us take a peek at you doing your thing. :)

[DizzyDesii]

I agree about setting points for video. If i’m official with someone, we dont say “lets go in a date”. We say lets go to the movies, out to eat, to the theme park, to see the fireworks, etc. We don’t call it a date. We’re enjoying being a couple and enjoying eachothers company and commitment/effort. So yea i guess i do have a different definition of what a date is. Because i have only had one of those each time before becoming official with someone. I’ve never gone on a “first” date that didn't end in being official. I’ve been in the phone call/talking stage and have dropped people/been dropped by people. But yea thats why dates are so special for me. Save em for the people who surpassed the tryouts/knockout round 🤷‍♀️ Keep doing you though. I’m used to being the odd one out.

[Paul_in_Indy]

If we were official, I would certainly want to be able to take you on a date. :-) I am not interesting or attractive enough to get a girl to agree to an extended interview with me. I have to do things differently.

[DizzyDesii]

You're interesting enough, trust me. Age was the only thing in the way

[RavVid]

I expect it to be much faster. Aren't we supposed to evaluate that someone is fuckable in 5 seconds or less of meeting them? I grant relationships are a bit more than sex juices.

My hopes will last about a month max, peaking then falling. After that I will have sister'ed the girl. A couple of girls have dug themselves out of sister status subsequently but I have a degree of wariness about them.

[DizzyDesii]

I can't see a future with someone within a day of knowing them. But i need a months worth to solidify some shit lmao

[RavVid]

Can see that. It is true guys fall in love much quicker than girls do. So I guess the prelims for going out can also take longer. Makes sense. There I am thinking I am friendzoned and the girl has just got one more box to tick off. Funny.

[DizzyDesii]

I meant to say “Can see” not can't see. And yes we try to check the boxes as we go. You’re not friendzoned until she explicitly says so

[RavVid]

Thanks for expanding on it.

[nawtee_me]

Isn't the going out a part of the getting to know them? I understand you don't want to go on a date with someone you haven't talked to before but talking with them a dew times is all it takes to go grocery shopping with them. Yes! Grocery shopping is a good way to get to know someone. You see their most unexpected self. Waiting in line to check out, do the grab the sports illustrated or the Martha Stewart magazine? Do the talk about the other shoppers and the way they are dressed? Do they shop for name brand or go for the cheep stuff? Do they go straight for the meat department or the alcohol? Or half way through do they go to the car and wait on you to finish?

If they make it past the grocery store then for a second get to know one another maybe try cooking a meal together... Here is where you find out if he can cook or if he expects you to cook two meals. One for you and one for him because he doesn't eat what you do...

[DizzyDesii]

My thing is, if i met them at work for example, we’re already hanging out and flirting at the workplace in between working. So we’re getting to know eachother for at least a month at work. If he wants to go on a date after that month, so be it. If the date goes well, we need to discuss our thoughts on becoming official. Im not trying to go on 2/3/4 dates to know if im into someone. I can tell that by having talked to them for a month and then gone out with them once. If i wasn't into him after the first date, im gonna tell him so we can part ways. As for the grocery thing, i’m not checking all that out. We’d just exchange numbers. And i like men who cook unless they wanna starve lmao

[Rab1901]

As a general rule, I think it's best not to hesitate if you want to assure that he/she is not going to get taken. However, I know there are definitely times when it just doesn't feel like the right time and place. For me, 1-3 is fine, but anything more than that is stretching the limit. I am not opposed to waiting, but I think that's generally a mistake.

[DizzyDesii]

Stating my intentions is not hesitating. We just are not going to go on a date yet til at least 30 days of knowing one another

[JSmuve]

I don't really have the luxury of scoping someone out. My life is so transient that the majority of the people I see on any given day I never see again. So any interaction with anyone is rare. But when I do interact with women, how long I scope them out is generally inversely proportional to how physically attractive they are. If she ain't at least a 7, then I really need to talk myself into taking things further, which can take months to years. Suffice to say, things do not progress.

[DizzyDesii]

I wouldn't even go for someone that i’m already having to convince myself to talk to. 😂 The interest just ain't there

[JSmuve]

Ya I never do either because why settle, but the women that truly interest me are few and far between.

[shades777]

Typically try to set up a date that same week or the latest next week, I learn way more about a woman in person than any phone call or text, and from my experience the phone is best used just for setting up the date, if i get some lame excuse more than once, I know she's full of it and just move on.

[DizzyDesii]

Damn im really seeing the difference in the way people think lmao. Shit ima stick to what works for me.

[shades777]

yea do what works for you, I just know if I want to pull the trigger on a good catch ill move the envelope, but i dont do that with every woman especially if she's not my ideal

[shades777]

as an adult unless your apart of some group (s) or frequent some areas you don't have the luxury of scoping for a long time, I can see the benefit of scope but as a man that just seems super long before you take action

[DizzyDesii]

Someone else said similar 😂

[shades777]

i didn't read the comments

[Emelina]

It depends on how much you learn or noticed how you both are either getting along or not with the friendship you both have at the present moment. If it's good then ask and respect that answer wether it's good or bad. Cheers! Lol 😃

[RobT312]

I never had a plan for that. For me it depended on the situation. Sometimes months (if we started out as friends) sometimes a day , if I just met the person and there was a connection

[DizzyDesii]

I get it

[Anpu23]

Dessi, I've been in bed with someone the first time I met them, "hay, how are you? Wanna F?" Seriously though its been under two hours.

[DizzyDesii]

😭😭😭

[Christoff92]

Depending on how well she presents herself. Don't do well with girls having hot head attitudes, even perfectionist thinking they know everything. B*littering my own knowledge and intelligences 😕

[DizzyDesii]

Perfectionists are not know-it-alls. They just like to get shit right the first time so they dont look silly. Know-it-alls literally think they know it all and dont expect to be proved wrong. there's a difference. Know it alls wouldn't belittle you. They’d probe you with questions to see if you understand them or why you dont. Perfectionists wouldn't even waste their time belittling someone if they thought you werent on the same level. If they did, it would be them helping someone improve. And they likely would find fun in teaching someone rather than considering that part a waste

[Christoff92]

Well. A perfectionist would tell you a topic that he/she doesn't know about but wanted to assume things with you. Basically, she/he is stereotyping and rewriting that topic you most eventually know.

Me. Don't bother to convince how incorrect they are. Wouldn't even take it as an offense. Would say it's all good 😀

[DizzyDesii]

A perfectionist wouldn't tell you something they dont already know about. Perfectionists do their research first. What you’re referring to is a bullshitter. They make up shit as they go

[Christoff92]

Yes, that's what the person is called a bullshitter. People who think they're always right.

[Christoff92]

I got family members like that.

[DizzyDesii]

I love to be right but I can also admit when I’m wrong... if shown when/where/how

[Ms_Facesitter]

I have no time stamp or deadline. As long as it takes? Two weeks of talking and I already thought, yes she's awesome!

[DizzyDesii]

I may find them awesome after an hour but if i put logic above emotion, i gotta get to know them longer than that lol

[Ms_Facesitter]

I just need to feel comfortable with them. The sixth sense will say either yes or no

[DizzyDesii]

Just dont start seeing dead people lol

[Ms_Facesitter]

ooo GOD no I wouldn't be able to handle that. I had a nightmare two days ago and I didn't even watch anything scary.

[justJoshua555]

For me personally, it all depends on the vibe, if the vibe matches I can be Ted Mosby and if it doesn't match I can by Barney Stinson.

[DizzyDesii]

Lmao okay

[strateguy632]

45 seconds, kuz you can't know until a longer meeting, so get to know at a better time

[kellytheman]

I say at least a month if I really like to get in a relationship with them but if still little unsure it might be another month or two.

[DizzyDesii]

Sounds good

[Jamie05rhs]

It's not about the number of days passed. It's about the number of minutes you've spent with them. So that really depends how intentional she is about participating in the conversation.

[Sparkie460]

When I was dating I just asked women out right away. I'd take her on dates 3 or 4 times a week so I can get to know her.

[DizzyDesii]

Okay and were you going on dates with others during this time? Like not just dates but like kissing other dates

[Sparkie460]

No I was with one girl at a time.

[Sparkie460]

I did date 2 girls once until they both found out

[DizzyDesii]

See i have no problem telling a person ima talk to him, him, and him. But i’m also respectful enough to admit that i ain't doing anything physical with anyone until i’ve decided. Cause we know dudes have y'all little sides too but i dont know if y'all going so far as physical or not. So look at you, were you tryna be a little player player 🤣😂

[MysticDevice]

I like to give it at least a year. To really get to know them as a human first.

[DizzyDesii]

Lol i can't tell if this is sarcasm

[MysticDevice]

Its actually not lol. I'm just weird and say things like that sometimes

[LiamJHayden]

I ask almost immediately and use the dates to see if she and I click.

[DizzyDesii]

Not bad. Possibly a waste of a good outfit tho

[LiamJHayden]

lol I just don't want to wait a month or more to find out we do not mesh well.

[Phoenix98]

I don't know just depends on the individual I suppose.

[Mark987]

If I really like them.. usually if we hit it off within week

[DizzyDesii]

Okay

[Mark987]

I am at the point. Why wait? that is a waste of time... if you like someone tell them etc

[DizzyDesii]

I would tell them. Then i’d get to know then for a month

[Mark987]

So you would go on a few dates.. then continue?

[DizzyDesii]

I would get to know them by phone or at work or wherever i met them for at least a month before agreeing to a date

[TheAfrikan]

WhT matters is us clicking well and flowing pretty well, so if am to feel her flow plus style even a month is enough.

[DizzyDesii]

Cool cool

[AdithyaR]

I'd probably talk a couple days before a date. The date is where I'd get to know them properly

[BlackJeep]

Online I would ask someone out for coffee within 2 days. I lose interest way before a week

[Hardworkingguy]

Well if I like someone I would talk to her maybe once or twice before asking her out on a date

[TrillXHippy]

I get to know someone and not really thinking about asking somebody out/or agreeing to date

[DizzyDesii]

So then what is your goal?

[TrillXHippy]

Building up the courage

[DizzyDesii]

What are you afraid of? I mean if its rejection, thats nothing to fear. Just means they werent for you

[TrillXHippy]

I never been confident

[DizzyDesii]

You gotta get it together bud. I know you’re worthwhile. You just need to believe in yourself

[Jerre]

I interact with the texting or emai, get to know them better. Usually 3-5 days is sufficient.

[DizzyDesii]

Better than nothing

[Jerre]

There have been a few occasions we chatted for 4-6 weeks and I felt I still did not know them well enough to date.

[DizzyDesii]

What was missing? I ask because if you dont know in 4-6 weeks, how would you know if you skipped the 4-6 weeks and just went straight for the date?

[Abdulwahh]

Maybe a week or two we all have true colours no person is perfect, there's always time to reform our ways.

[DizzyDesii]

Mmmm if u say so

[justabuddy]

It's real easy to lose a friend that way. So it takes me a bit.

[DizzyDesii]

Easy to lose a friend that way how? They probably were a fake friend in that case

[justabuddy]

They get creeped out. Don't want much to do with you after that.

[DizzyDesii]

I don't know what kinda girls you be talking to if getting to know her first creeps her out

[justabuddy]

Lol.. that's why you make sure and wait.

[Pink2000]

About 3 months

[DizzyDesii]

Glad im finally not alone

[dudeinohio]

It depends... but certainly within 3 weeks.

[DizzyDesii]

Not bad at all

[BrookeS]

Depends on how much I have had to drink

[Anonymous]

A couple years.

[DizzyDesii]

And they said i was harsh

[Opinion Owner]

How's that harsh?

[DizzyDesii]

Probably should’ve used a different word. But just looking around at the comments, people would think you’re nuts since they find my 1-3 months to be impulsive

[Opinion Owner]

And they're find to think that way. I could ask a woman out after a day if I was so moved (it's never happened though). Most women don't show any real obvious interest typically. Most women don't make any real effort typically. So most the time it takes a while for me to get to know and trust a woman and her motives. I want to date a woman for who she is and her to date me for who I am not who she creates me to be.

[DizzyDesii]

When did she have time to “create you to be” something else if she didn't know you like that yet

[Opinion Owner]

All women do this to an extent. Your brains create the guy long before you actually know the guy. This is why so many women make so many bad choices. Many don't take the time to slow down and actually get to know the guy.

[DizzyDesii]

I try to place logic before emotion

[Opinion Owner]

👍 You probably make on the average better choices than most then.

[eagle1951]

3 or 4 hundred years lol

[DizzyDesii]

Well for once i can spot sarcasm. Otherwise You must wanna be single forever

[eagle1951]

I probably will be at my age, but i can say at least I was married to my one and only for 37 years, she waiting for me in heaven, with my 2 daughters.

[DizzyDesii]

Awww

[LavLavLuv]

2-3 months

[DizzyDesii]

Yay im not alone lmao

[Debbie14217]

2 years

[DizzyDesii]

Ahh okay