I feel like a shallow douche but I don't know what to do?

[Anonymous]

Met a guy on a dating app. We've only been texting for like two days. I told him I'm waiting and he respects that and he wants to get married so he seems genuine so far. I can tell he's attached by how often and how much he texts me. His profile pictures looked cute and he sent me a random recent picture of himself and he looks different from his profile. He's like older looking he honestly looks 40. I'm wondering if he's like lying about his age or he just has bad genes. He also has a really bad receding hairline. Basically my attractive went down to zero. I feel bad because he's a nice guy, his personality is nice. But I'm not at all attracted to him anymore. I wish he put recent pictures of himself on his dating profile. I don't know what to do. What should I do?

[ManOnFire]

You should just be honest and say you're not really feeling him anymore. It's going to hurt one way or another. You, him, or both. But you gotta let him know something so you can move on from it.

[Asker]

Another person on here said I should give him a chance and meet him in person. Like give him one date and see if he's better in person. Should I do that or just end it? I honestly don't know what to do.

[ManOnFire]

You could. I did with one of my exes. When I saw what she looked like online I thought she was ugly - and she was. I was feeling uneasy about meeting her in person too, but then I did and I became crazy for her even though she wasn't attractive. In the end she was the one who dumped me lol.

It's up to you. Personality should always be 60% of the situation in my eyes, but if you're really not feeling his looks then don't put yourself through it.

[Asker]

I ending it. I told him I don't feel chemistry with him. I didn't say you are ugly or anything. I was trying really hard to not tear him down. He replied and said it's sudden of me to feel that way since we just started talking. He said if I want him to leave me alone, he will and he said he hopes I have a nice day anyway.

He seems like he has a really nice personality. I am meeting up with some other guy for a date where he's not the best texter. He seems like a boring texter and I usually go with this gut instinct of if I don't get along with the way a guy texts then we'll probably won't get along in person. I feel uneasy to meet the other one because he kind of rubs me the wrong way and he isn't as super nice as this guy that I rejected, however this guy I have a date with seems more attractive. He's also a little older too, I like guys just a tiny bit older than me.

[ManOnFire]

Don't base a guy’s worth on whether he's a good texter or not. Some guys feel better at talking in person, or don't really like to text. But if he doesn't seem very nice, don't go with him either.

[Asker]

The date with the other more attractive guy was really nice. I'm glad I gave him a chance and you were right.

The guy I ended it with was surprised and was like I understand I'll leave out alone if you want to stop talking. He wished me a nice day. I said you too for the nice day comment. Then he said texted that I didn't answer his question. His question was if I don't want to talk to him anymore. I didn't see his text and he tries to call me which in like wtf... Why would he call me that's creepy. I told him that I'm not attracted to him and I don't want to lead him on. I don't get why that's hard to understand. So I texted him that I don't want to talk to him anymore. I'm just like surprised I have to spell that out for him. I literally just said I don't find you attractive... That doesn't register? He still wants to talk? I ended up blocking him.

[ManOnFire]

Yeah, I knew it would be difficult for him to digest it, but you gotta do what you feel is best for you. The way he handled it though shows you that although he might've seemed nice, he might not have been the right person after all. He's desperate for an answer at this point, and he's trying to contact you not so much because he wants that answer, but probably hoping that by speaking to you he might be able to change your mind or at least get some sense of satisfaction from closure or hearing you one last time.

It also tells you that he is a guy who probably doesn't have a lot of experience with women, and doesn't know how to maintain himself and his emotions after rejection. He hasn't harnessed the art of being a man.

[Asker]

Wow are you a therapist? That's so smart and I would have never have thought about that. Thank you for that insight. I'm starting to think he texted me a lot. Is a guy who texts a lot got emotional problems?

[ManOnFire]

Haha, not a therapist, no. I just learned from experiences in life. I wouldn't necessarily say a heavy texter has a lot of emotional problems, but many guys text a girl too much because they worry that they'll lose her or she'll lose interest if he DOESN'T text regularly. Guys show overinterest, which is unmasculine and doesn't work. They don't realize that too much texting actually pushes a girl away. A man's got to maintain an art of mystery for a woman. He has to make her wonder about him, that's what makes her more attracted.

A guy who is constantly texting and responding looks like a guy who has no other interests, nothing else to do with his time, and nothing real to offer a woman. Which is why women lose interest. A woman wants to know that a guy has some kind of focus on something, is building something in his life, is a strong guy with things to offer and that appeal to women. Guys always sitting by the phone are being feminine, which kills the appeal for women.

[Asker]

Yeah I get that. I mean I don't mind a guy who is a considerate texter but to some degree yeah it would get annoying if he lives to text me. Because at the end of the day I don't want to be living on my phone texting him, that's annoying. I've talked to clingy guys like that before. They literally worship the ground you walk on and want to text you 24/7 and it's taxing.

I'm sorry I feel like I'm always bothering you. I very much value your insight, you give amazing advice. Do you mind if I ask one more thing? If you don't want to talk anymore, I understand and just ignore me.

When I went on the date with the attractive guy, I had my older brother come. But we acted like we didn't know each other and he sat further away and was chilling. When the date was over my brother said that the guy I was on a date with kept touching me and he thought that was inappropriate because we literally just met.

When he would touch me, it would be like for two seconds. It almost seemed like he was nervous and it was nervous body language. But he would touch my elbow arm area really quick. He would do it every so often. When we were crossing the street, he was walking me to my car, he did put his hand on my back and my shoulder a couple of times. When it was happening, I was really nervous and not paying attention.

I actually have like this trauma related to being touched in that way because of dirty old men taking liberties and I had push them away from me. But maybe what he did was normal? My house is very old school, a guy should never try to touch the girl unless they know she's comfortable with it. My brother thinks it's a bad sign. Maybe at the same time my brother is overreacting since I'm his little sister and stuff. He got in my head nevertheless and I'm focusing on it now. I'm thinking maybe it was too forward of him since we did just meet and we barely barely texted.

[Asker]

just met*

[ManOnFire]

"yeah it would get annoying if he lives to text me." - Right. I used to be a weak dude like that, as I imagine most men will be at some point in their lives. Texting like that almost always got me ghosted or blocked. I would be sad or angry about it, but as a grown man I understand why they did it lol.

I don't mind, it's always great to help someone out. Your brother is right, that guy touching you so much on a first date is not a good look. I never touch women the very first time we get together. It's just weird, even if she's attractive I still don't really know her well enough to even do that. Maybe he was nervous, but I don't think enough to want to touch you.

Most men who are nervous on a date will just tend to have awkward body language, maybe keeping their hands in their pockets a lot, struggling to know how to strike up a convo, etc. A nervous man almost never touches a woman like that on a first date. Men who DO touch probably could gauge from the female that she's now comfortable enough for him to do that. Some of these even end up being sex-on-the-first-date situations. But yeah, I would lean more towards your brother's concerns.

[Asker]

Should I tell him not to touch me? Will that just throw a wrench into everything? I actually told him I'm waiting for marriage and he told me he is looking for something rooted in the same values and it's not a deal breaker. He seems like a respectable guy but I've only met him once. He's actually a psychology major he got his master's in child counseling. I picture someone doing stuff like that with their life would be more personable. He asks me things like "Would you be comfortable if I walk you to your car?" But then yeah he touches me even if it's for a few split seconds. He doesn't ask if he can touch me but he asked if he could hug me goodbye which was nice.

I do feel broken a little bit. I'm not like most girls where I want the guy all over me. I like having space and if the ball could be in my court that would be cool. I can tell he's a leader and doesn't mind leading in some ways. Like leading the conversation since he could tell I was too nervous to think of anything to say. Which is nice. However there is this thing he does when he talks that annoys me. Maybe that's a sign that we aren't meant to be? He says my name too much when you talks. He says my name almost in every sentence and I don't know why he talks like that but it annoys me lol.

[ManOnFire]

Hmmmmmmm. So he studied child counseling... and he would always ask you if you would be comfortable with this or that... and says your name in every sentence. Seems like he's maybe unconsciously behaving with you the same way he was taught to behave with child subjects. Not sure what to think of that, if it's good or bad.

Maybe him touching you so much is subconscious too, but still seems pretty weird. Next time try telling him you're just not that comfortable with him being so touchy and see how he responds to it.

[Asker]

Ok, I'll let you know what happens, if that's cool. Our next date is next week. He picked this really expensive Italian restaurant which I'm like 😵 I feel bad to spend his hard-earned money on a dish that's like $35. Lol 😆 I'll keep you updated.

Thank you so extremely much for helping me. I don't understand guys at all, I've barely dated. So I am very very grateful.

[ManOnFire]

Haha. All good. Yeah, please let me know how that goes. 35$ at an Italian restaurant? I sure as hell hope that pasta is made of gold.

[Asker]

Hi, I wanted to give an update. I cancelled the upcoming date because he was around someone who had COVID. Just to be safe and I can't afford to get sick, so I decided next weekend we'll go on the second date. He was understanding and respectful about it. I also asked him if I could pay for the date for a number of reasons. He told me he doesn't mind paying but if that's what I'd like then it's ok by him. So far we have been texting almost every day and having a lot of fun texting each other. Though personally I'm trying to space out how much we text just because I don't want to be constantly texting him. We text around 4pm every day so it isn't bad but yeah I just want to take my time with getting to know him. Also I'm trying to keep in mind that he's adding to my life so I shouldn't get obsessed and still have time for other things.

[Asker]

We also had a bunch of ideas for future dates while texting. So even though we haven't gone on the second date yet, we have like five date ideas lined up and ready to go lol

[ManOnFire]

Wow, sounds good lol. Great that you're both maintaining communication in spite of the setback. Let's just see what happens with the touching next time.

[Asker]

I was thinking about not saying anything. I feel bad, I don't know why

[ManOnFire]

You shouldn't say anything about it unless he does it again in a weird way. Just go with the flow of things for right now.

[Asker]

Ok. That actually makes me feel better and feel less pressure. Thank you :)

What if he does the touching thing and I don mind it? I just never say anything about it. Will he think like I'm some whore because I am letting him touch me. I dont mean sexually just like normal touching. Because there's always that thing people instill in women about men like the guy is testing the waters and seeing how far you'll let him go. So you got to put him in his place early. If I never put him in his place will he lose respect for me?

[ManOnFire]

If you're okay with it then you're okay with it. Although you were saying before that you have a thing about not liking people touching you a lot. If him touching you isn't an issue then go with it. I doubt he'll think you’re a whore or easy.

[Asker]

Sorry for the late reply. Well the first date I was thinking about myself and not him since I was nervous. I didn't notice him touching me until my brother pointed it out. My brother acted very upset and then that made me upset. But looking back I honestly don't remember if I was upset with him touching me like that. But definitely my brothers words got to me eventually.

[Asker]

I wanted to tell you something. I feel very guilty about something. I lied about my first name when I had my account on the dating app. Well my first name is actually my middle name. This guy that I like the one I will be going on a date with this upcoming weekend, he thinks this name is my real name. I feel bad. I only did it because I was vetting him and also I've been harassed before. I don't mean light things like very scary harassment. I lied about my name so the guy wouldn't try to stalk me, though I've never been stalked thankfully but I believe that's been possible because I've been very airtight with my personal information. You know people search exists, if you filled out a job application or any kind of place where you have to give your info you info will basically be online. I always try to remove myself from those websites but there are over 100 of them and it is hard to completely remove yourself. I wanted to have my second date with him before telling him my real name to see if this is something I want to continue with him. However I cancelled last weekend and made it this upcoming weekend and it's just taking too long. I was thinking I should tell him in person. But I have been feeling very guilty lately lying to him. Honestly I think my middle name is prettier than my first name, I've always liked my middle name better. But I guess that doesn't matter. I recently told him that we should text each other less and give each other space because that's how a healthy relationship forms. We have been texting every day for a few hours even though I have been trying my best to stay away and take my time. I started to feel burnt out from the texting so I set a boundary with him that we don't need to text every day. He respected it and agreed. Should I just tell him over text my real first name or wait? I feel very guilty for lying to him all this time but I've had a reason for doing it.

[ManOnFire]

It's normal for people to not use their real names online, especially dating sites. I never use my real name on them either. So don't feel so bad, when you tell him I'm 100% sure he will understand, he might even laugh about it. Don't sweat that. But I think you should say it to him in person. Just be like "I need to be honest with you. My name isn't really dot dot dot, it's actually dot dot dot" and explain why you wanted that unknown up to this point. He'll totally get it, I'm sure.

[Asker]

What if he's hurt by me lying and he trusts me less because of it? What if he thinks I'm lying about other things if I can lie about my name?

[ManOnFire]

Mmmmmm... that's possible, but in a situation like online dating and using a fake name, I want to believe he would be mature enough to understand why you did it. If you want, you can also add "and that's the only thing I've lied about this far, I promise. It was only for safety reasons since we didn't really know each other in the beginning."

If he can't accept that and wants to ditch you for that one little lie, remember: someone who walks, is probably not meant for you anyway. So say those things to him and see how he takes it. If he can't understand and let it go, then let him go.

[Asker]

Hi! We had our date today. We ended up going to the arcade and had pizza at this fancy place. So he ended up asking me I it's ok that he touches me and since he asked I felt better about it and told him it's ok. At a certain point I just end ahead and held his hand and that actually stopped him from touching me. When we went to eat pizza together, we had a alcoholic drink today along with some sweet tea. I asked him all the important questions I wanted to know and discovered we have basically the same mindset/want the same things and that made me feel way better. I guess I got liquid courage at a certain point because I asked if I could kiss him. He said sure but double checked to make sure I'm ok with that and I said I am. So we did three pecks. A part of me did it to see if I would feel anything. I didn't feel anything. The kisses were just ok. My past relationship, which I only dated one guy in the past, I felt the exact same way. Like it was a just ok kiss and I didn't feel anything. The only huge improvement I can see is my ex had a horrible breath and this current guys breath doesn't smell like anything. So that is extremely nice. I thought stink breath was normal up until now. However, I have this thing with kissing. I'm not sure if I am a kisser, if I like it. Because I'm a germaphobe. Saliva and bacteria from the mouth disgusts me so much. So I can never really get into the kissing. However maybe I just need time because I think with my ex maybe at one point I think I liked it a little bit that was so long ago that I can't even remember.

[Asker]

But after kissing him, I for some reason feel like I want to take a step back. I'm not sure if I want to pursue a relationship with him. I did tell him that I'd like to take things slow and that we should date a while before putting a label on anything. He was fine with it. I do enjoy hanging out with him, he makes me laugh, I find him attractive. I don't know if we have a connection. Sometimes I do feel like we click but I don't feel this electricity. I feel like I watched too many romantic TV shows and movies because I expected this crazy and amazing feeling. I don't feel anything. by the way sorry for my typos in the first comment, I didn't proof read. Hopefully you can still understand it. Is this a sign or should I take my time?

[Asker]

I told my bro about the kiss and he got angry. He was like, "You only kissed him because you drank." I felt like he was disappointed in me even though he keeps saying he doesn't want me doing anything that I'll regret because I was under the influence. I'm like 🙄 it's just a kiss, please shut up. He was annoyed that he gave me a goodbye kiss. My bro said he's acting like he owns me. I'm like what... are you even talking about? It's annoying having overprotective family members. I wanted it, I asked for the kiss... But now I'm thinking do I always have to kiss him forever now whenever we go on dates?

[ManOnFire]

Very good that he asked if he could touch you. That means he must've been aware of what he did before, so that's a pretty good sign.

I still think you should take it somewhat slow, it's only been like maybe a month since you guys met? That's not long enough to really jump into a full blown relationship. It's perfectly okay not to have big bomblastic feelings from a kiss or even from a dating experience. Real love doesn't happen overnight like in the movies. Movies want us to feel good and want to make us think that romance and love HAS to be experienced in this beautiful, flowery way... but does not happen like that most of the time. There have been moments when I've been in relationships where I felt blahzay and unexcited by a woman for awhile, and then got excited about her again. I think these ups and downs are probably normal.

I think you shouldn't overthink it too much, just see where it goes a little bit longer, and if you're really not feeling it anymore then be honest with him.

[Asker]

Yeah I don't mean to rush things or into things. Was it bad that I kissed him? I wonder now if I did rush things by asking if I could kiss him.

I asked what speed he takes when he dates and he said slow to medium. When I told him let's take things slow, I could tell he was bummed out about it but he acts respectful so he never says anything.

He does this one thing I don't like though and next time we meet, I'm to tell him to stop. So I'm skinny, maybe to most I'm too skinny. He always points out how petite and tiny I am. I asked if it bothers him that I'm so skinny. He said no. I told him I'm self-conscious about my weight and I'm trying try gain weight and stuff. He mentioned my weight probably like 3 or 4 times. I was bullied a lot for my weight in school so I have this sensitivity related to it. It almost seems like he likes that I'm tiny but at the same time he talks about it enough where I'm like... can you shut up please. I don't know why he talks about my weight so often. Makes be feel even more self-conscious. So next time we hangout, I will tell him it hurts my feelings and to never talk about it. I need to do it in person so I learn to stand up for myself which is something I struggle with and it's better to talk about this stuff in person.

Also another thing he was taken aback that I'm weak. I told him 45lbs is super heavy for me. I even said 10lbs can be heavy for me too. He was like mind blown and maybe concerned about that. I was like... I'm a girl, I'm not like super strong. Also maybe being skinny has something to do with being weak. But I don't know why that really shocked him.

Also how long is the appropriate time to date before making it official? Thank you for your kind words about it's ok to not feel fantastic feelings. I appreciate all your amazing help. I'm extremely grateful to you. Is it ok if I pray for you? I wish for God to give you all the happiness you deserve.

[ManOnFire]

You should definitely tell him next time to cut it out with talking about your weight. Too much of that doesn't make somebody feel very good. Weakness often goes hand in hand with skinniness, but if you're naturally thin and you've tried all the stuffing yourself you can and it still doesn't work, then it is what it is. It seems like if he keeps bringing it up it must bother him or is on his mind, and he should just say so.

Making it official is different for every couple, and it really depends where you both are in the connection. With my last ex, I already thought of her as my girlfriend after a few months, while she wanted to make it official months later, and she was the one who ended things 2 months after that lol. I think more importantly, you should focus on how/where the dating is going more than whether a relationship becomes official or not. You want to take your time getting to know someone and not end up in a relationship you regret.

Very much appreciate the prayer😊🌹

[Asker]

Hello 👋 😊 I hope you don't mind but I'm messaging you again. We had a date today and I hate to say I don't feel too great about it. I felt very uncomfortable around him and nervous. I acted reticent and I didn't mean to act so impassive with my feelings. I am a reserved person but I didn't really smile as much as I should have. I was honestly being myself but I am looking back thinking maybe I should have smiled a little more but I didn't for some reason.

I'm feeling iffy about stuff he did and said. So he asks prying questions about my life, how I was raised, and deep and personal life struggles. I've told him the last date that I'm not comfortable talking about things like that. Maybe one day I'll tell him about my messed up upbringing but not now we've only known each other for barely a month. This date we just had, I noticed he can't help but to ask those questions that cross into personal territory. I ended up becoming tongue tied and unable to talk because I felt uncomfortable and I was trying to explain something in a way I felt comfortable explaining. If I had said I don't feel comfortable, I know he wouldn't have pushed. But I didn't do that for some reason. I just struggled to answer his questions. I noticed he's like treating me like a client he talks to.

[Asker]

I'm looking back feeling annoyed and like boundaries were violated. Like couldn't he tell I was having a hard time answering? I dont like that he's trying to know every little dirty secret about me or my families life. I ended up telling him about my brothers alcoholism. Later when I was telling my bro about our date, he finds out that I told him that and he got really upset with me. He said it wasn't for me to tell and now if he ever meets him he will be thinking about his alcoholism in the back of his mind. I didn't mean to betray my bro like that and I feel very regretful. I'm thinking and feeling angry like if he didn't pry so much and ask so many intruding questions then maybe I would have never told such a sensitive thing. I'm feeling angry.

He made a comment about me being very skinny again. But he said it in a way like he was joking. So I just decided not to tell him to stop only because he tried to make it look like he was being playful. I guess that disarmed me. However, I feel very self conscious around him. Like I was wearing a jacket and when it got warmer I took it off and I felt like I was anorexic or something. I didn't feel comfortable.

[Asker]

After the date I didn't kiss him on the lips. I didn't feel like kissing him. So I decided to kiss him on the cheek. Then he kissed me on the cheek. We didn't hold hands either. I think maybe he was leaving the ball in my court for that. Which I appreciate.

Another thing happened as well. So every time we meet at the first location say the arcade the last date and we decide we will go to a second location after which would be a restaurant. He always offers to drive me there in his car if I feel comfortable. I turn him down because I already came in my car. If he took me to the restaurant, then he'd have to drive me back to my car after the restaurant. I don't see the point in that. So I just meet him there. Also another reason why I turn his offer down is because I don't trust him fully yet. I'm fearful and a girl and I need to be careful. Not that I've had anything happen to me but just that I would like to avoid it and take my time with things.

[Asker]

So the first activity we did today was go hiking. After hiking we decided to get In and out. by the way I made sure to choose a populated area with a lot of people present when we went hiking. He offered and he said no pressure and only if I am comfortable. I turned his offer for the ride down. Then when we were eating food, he brings it up. He asked if the reason why I don't want to go in the car with him is because I'm nervous or because I don't trust him. I told him the truth, I said it's because I don't trust him. I said no offense or anything but I'm a girl and I need to be careful. He told me that he would never hurt me and he looks concerned like maybe he thinks something happened to me. Honestly, words are just words and actions are what matters. I don't understand why he wants to drive me so badly. If he can tell I'm uncomfortable like why can't he just leave it alone? I feel this pressure like I have to let him drive me somewhere to make him happy or to prove something.

[Asker]

I feel iffy like I don't know if I want to go on another date with him. I feel really bad for betraying my brother. I also noticed my decreased interest in eating. This is weird I know, but when people make comments about my weight eventually I get sad and I don't eat as much as I should. I'm noticing I'm starting to feel that way, which is the opposite affect of what this guy is probably trying to do. Like this guy is probably trying to get me to eat more if anything and in fact its making me feel sad and lose my appetite.

[ManOnFire]

Hmmmmm. I'm not the one dating him and even I feel uncomfortable with how he's acting. Yeah, he is definitely treating you like one of his clients, but being very pushy and invasive. I think at this point it would probably be a good idea to end it with him. He's wanting to know all your personal details, pushing you with food, and being pushy about driving you. All that screams something not right to me.

And at this point it's even spilling over to your family where you've told him about your brother's battle and your brother is angry. Nah, don't go on another date with him. If he's doing all this and it's leaving you feeling messed up and having no peace, get out of that situation. Tell him you don't want to go on anymore dates.

[Asker]

I talked to my brother about it last night. We had a heart to heart. But he told me to give this guy one more chance because I was about to end it with him last night. I texted him earlier today asking again if me being skinny bothers him and that he acts like I have an eating disorder. He said no he's not bothered by it. He said he thinks I'm cute. He said his mom always said don't call a girl big so he figured it was a compliment to say I'm tiny. He said he'll be more mindful and he thanked me for the help on how he was coming off and that he didn't mean to give off that vibe. It made me feel better, I told him I have a soft spot for my weight. And I thanked him for being understanding and kind about it. I told him again talking about personal family things is off limits. I need to be more strict about that, I'll work really hard to say no and set boundaries if his questions come near there. He mentioned we would take our dating one day at a time. I was thinking on letting him pick me up but another part of me doesn't feel ready. I wonder if he wants to drive me because he wants to show off his car. He has a Tesla. I know some guys think girls care about what a guy drives but I don't care lol. It's cool that he's driving an environmental friendly car with all our pollution going on, but otherwise I don't care what he drives.

[Asker]

I remember in the past there was a different guy who I went on one date with a few years ago. He did something similar where we met at this restaurant and after we went to the movies. He had a Tesla and he offered to drive me there from the restaurant but I turned down his offer since I already came with my car. I'm thinking that guy probably offered because he wanted to show off his car since he just bought it and he was all proud of it. I'm wondering if this is a trait Tesla dudes have where they want to brag or something lol.

[ManOnFire]

Well, I think you’re right about dudes with Teslas, they do like to make a show of them, and probably has something to do with the image of Elon Musk since he's a man of money and status.

But I'm not sure about everything else with him. You certainly can give him another shot. To ME something seems off about him at this point, but I don't know him like you do so I can't really say. Definitely keep taking it slow.

[Asker]

What do you think is wrong with him? Like what red flags and all of that does he have? Do you think he's would try to stalk me once I end things?

[ManOnFire]

Mmmmmm. Not sure about stalking exactly. It's just something about the way he's pushy. I feel like... if you have to tell somebody more than once to respect you on multiple issues then they're either not mature enough for dating or they don't have good intentions. But don't let that freak you out, that’s just how I see it. No one is perfect and there's always the possibility that what I think is wrong, but from everything you've described about him it just seems weird.

[Asker]

Your theories make sense. I asked him about his past relationships and he told me he mainly had casual relationships and had one serious relationship that lasted a few years. However, he told me he's looking for marriage now. I get this impression that he feels embarrassed that he's 34 and not married.

[Asker]

I do feel like he is rushing things. I don't understand why. He told me he's a avoidant attachment style. I remember him saying that when he's dating someone, he can be distant. Him being distant didn't bother me because I want to take my time with basically everything. I'm wondering is it healthy and normal the way I act? I don't mean to be wishy-washy. But I wonder if I am preventing the relationship from being enjoyable because I'm so afraid to let go and let myself get there. I have this guard up and I'm protecting myself endlessly and putting the brakes on endlessly as well.

[Asker]

I hope my questions aren't bothering you. I understand if you'd like to be free from helping me. You have done so much for me and I will always be forever grateful. I sincerely thank you for everything. I'm sorry that I have endless questions too.

[ManOnFire]

Ahhh then that might explain it. He's 34 and looking for marriage. So he might be anxious to try to seal the deal with a relationship because he feels like it's getting late for him, but that still is no excuse for being pushy. And he's ALSO an avoidant. My oh my. Prepare yourself for this: avoidants can be difficult - if not terrible - people to have experience with. Avoidants can and often do ghost people out of nowhere, or walk away from the relationship if they feel like you're getting too close or like they just can't handle the relationship anymore. Surprising that he's a child psychologist and an avoidant. Unless... being an avoidant made him want to study that. I hope it's something he himself is working through.

I don't think you're wrong to want to take your time. Cuz you don't want to make a mistake and regret it all in the end. Maybe you're also scared deep down. Scared of going all in. Scared of getting hurt. Which is okay.

[Asker]

I didn't know that about avoidants. I appreciate you informing me. But I can't help but to feel afraid and insecure now. Of course, if he leaves then he leaves. I would never beg a guy to stay, I have more self respect than that. But it is nerve-racking never knowing when he'll leave when I'm working hard to build something and it's all being wasted. But I guess that's just dating at the end of the day. I do have these moments where I wonder if he's even the right guy for me. Because I have a hard time being comfortable and myself around him. He knows I'm uncomfortable and he really wants me to be comfortable around him. He also said something about how he wants to see how well we blend together. I feel like I'm in the spotlight like something is wrong with me and I need to hurry up and be comfortable. This entire dating process annoys me because I feel like he's just making everything unpleasant and suck. I just want to say to him to stop with being so pushy and rushing. Just enjoy the f'ing process. Take your freaking time. That makes me think maybe we aren't meant be because it shouldn't be this hard for me to not feel so uncomfortable. I'm probably just forcing myself to date someone who I don't really like that much.

[Asker]

A part of me doesn't want to lose him. Maybe I'm a bit attached. I've put a lot of effort into building what we have so far. I don't want to lose that and I do want to see where this will go if it's worth building something with him. But I'm just annoyed by how much he's rushing things.

[ManOnFire]

So the thing about avoidants is, they tend to have issues from some kind of childhood trauma, although we all have some degree of trauma. I dated a girl before who had some pretty rough past trauma. In the beginning when we met, she was the one who was crazy about me while I didn't become crazy about her until a little later. During the first half of our relationship she was super excited about me, and on the last half she was starting to drift away and I could feel that, which made me constantly act clingy and always asking her to meet up. In the end she ghosted out of nowhere. Avoidants tend to be that way, and now that I know it it's very important for me to learn some background about a girl before going all in.

"That makes me think maybe we aren't meant be..." - So I personally think your senses are right. But that's just me. If someone is feeling like they can't be comfortable dating someone, or they feel a particular unrest and disturbance to their peace, then they're probably not supposed to be involved with that person. You may be attached and have put effort into it, but in the end it might not be the right thing. It happens.

[Asker]

Your situation with that girl who ghosted you is exactly what is happening to me right now. I'm honestly surprised. I wasn't crazy about him either but I could tell he really liked me a lot. He would schedule dates almost back to back and I would reject them because I didn't want to spoil what we are building by hanging out constantly and then ultimately getting tired of each other rather easily. I was trying to space it out. I can feel him pulling away and I was tempted to text him a bunch and set up dates with him but I somehow held myself back even though it induced anxiety in me. It drives you crazy. I think with all the boundaries I set up with him, maybe that soured things. But I can see now that we aren't meant to be.

[Asker]

I plan to take a few months off from dating though. To give myself time to heal and move on. I don't know if it'll hurt once things are officially over. If he'll ghost me or we'll talk about it. But I'm already looking forward to meeting the next guy when I am ready.

[Asker]

I wanted to sincerely and profoundly thank you for all you have done for me. All your advice, all your time, your wisdom, your experience, your kindness, and empathy. You have done so much for me that it's hard to put it into words. It is truly so rare to find someone who cares and who will help without wanting anything in return. Your parents did an outstanding job in raising you. I can tell you are a good man. I thank you so very much for helping me all this time. For having so much patience. I see you are in a relationship on your profile and I'd like to say your girlfriend is very lucky to have you. I hope and pray that you'll always be happy and that you will receive the things in your life that you truly deserve. You have made an impact in my life. Your advice and knowledge will stay with me. I know I will keep it with me during the rough process of dating and finding my person. I want you to know how much everything you have done for me all this time has meant a lot to me in ways I never knew possible because I've never met anyone as kind and as helpful as you. You should seriously look into being a therapist, you'd be amazing at it. You made a positive impact in my life and I know God will look favorably onto you and I hope he does. I wanted to give you freedom so you don't have to endlessly help me forever. I hope all this time talking, you have been well and happy. I'm sorry I never asked. I wish you more happiness and good health to come! Thank you for everything! 😃☺️

[ManOnFire]

Right. If you can feel him pulling away, let it be that way. Don't make the mistake I did by trying to keep a connection going and constantly texting the other person to let them know you're alive and want them. They already know you are and they know you want them, which empowers them to want to run away and be cruel to you even more. There is never any peace in a connection like that, and shouldn't be maintained.

You could talk about it with him, but I would be honest about it and tell him you're not feeling it anymore and that you just aren't good with where it's heading. He'll probably try to ask you why or he might even beg you not to let go, but it would just prolong the inevitable.

[ManOnFire]

Haha. No worries, I like to help people if I can. Currently not in a relationship but yes, I have some experience. Thanks for the kind words. I hope from here your journey will be a lot better.

[inhua]

but people still say personality is more important than looks

[Asker]

It is however I need at least some chemistry or attractive in order to kiss him and not feel embarrassed.

[inhua]

doesn't seem like his personality is what's holding him back. something else is

[Asker]

I dont know what you mean

[gothbxtch]

i know it can make you feel guilty to reject someone, but you have to remember that not liking a guy doesn’t make you a bad person

[Marcuslrh]

You might want to go on at least one date to see him in person because pictures dont do a lot of people any justice on how they really look you want to see for yourself then decide.

[Anonymous]

You're giving yourself too much gravity in this. You're a dime a dozen on a dating app. Do whatever you want. Because quite honestly whatever you do isn't really going to affect much. He'll just talk to another girl.

[Asker]

Actually he told me I'm the only one he's talking to and he said that girls rarely match with him. I don't know why he told me that...

[Opinion Owner]

And you think that means something? I'll tell you that right now. And I don't even know you.😆
That's what guys do to lay the foundation. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. You say that to 10 other girls as well.