Why do I always spoil everything?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Alright… So… On a 2nd date, I was very nervous.

And barely talked and felt very shy and because of that my whole enthusiasm was drained away and I was not as good of a talker as I was the first time.

He told me we could go somewhere else after dinner, and also offered some ideas for out r 3rd date, but I left earlier.

Because I was nervous and couldn’t make the date as fun as I wished it to be, like on the 1st date. 1st date was amazing, I was chill and enjoyed it a lot.

After I left earlier I noticed he was a bit disappointed, he had a business trip the next day and he didn’t contact me, I messaged him first knowing that I messed things up,

I told him

“I was a bit tired on the last date and left earlier because I didn’t want him to notice”, instead along with being tired I was very nervous too.

And I asked him what he thought of our date.

He said “He enjoyed kissing me a lot, but was surprised I left earlier and didn’t want to spend any more time with him and he thought maybe I was no longer interested in him”,

I reassured that I felt very cozy and peaceful being there with him and enjoyed it a lot.

He then told me I can always tell him, when I am tired and we can just watch a movie instead, he also said he is thinking to cook for me something for our next date.

I was excited, haven’t replied for 2 hours and 2 hours later told him,

That’s an amazing idea, I miss home cooked meals and looking forward to see how great of a cook he is.

He hasn’t replied since then… I am really hurt. I liked him a lot.

I would think he is busy but, he was texting me and finding time to meet me, even when his parents were visiting and he had whole days scheduled and was super busy, but he was still willing to meet me asap.

Now though, his parents are gone and he must have more free time and he isn’t showing attention anymore…

I guess I messed things up, I always do.

I just feel sad, cause I really liked him and could see us getting together in future.

Updates

8 mo

Seems like things never work for me.

[Guido]

Nervous or not, you did what you felt you needed to do at the time. Do not beat yourself up for making that decision.

There could be a few reasons why he has not replied back.

1. He might be realizing you are not going to be as easy as he thought to get into bed which a lot of men his age are expecting.

2. He could have a date with another woman as he is searching. There are some men and women that date multiple people until they decide on one to commit to and some are having sex with more then one of them while they decide.

3. Could be the age gap as older men do not always sit with their phone ready to text as soon as the get a message. I can leave my phone alone for hours before picking it up and checking.

Give it some time and play it cautiously so you don't get hurt. In the early stages of any relationship, we want things to work out the way we imagine it and often overlook obvious warning signs and end up with hurt feelings and starting the process all over again. Just a reminder to keep your eyes open and not put those rosy relationship blinders on.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yep, but I answered him yesterday.

Unless he’s dead, he would have seen it and found some time for answering too if he wished.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Maybe he’s dating someone else, but he was asking me out on a Valentine’s day, so I guess I was his first choice after our first date?

And then he changed his mind?

I am not really interested in dating someone who I need to compete for instead of being myself.

[molonski2]

Arrghh ! See , I told you this previously , everything is fine.

Because you overthink virtually everything ( no offence ) you just put too much pressure on yourself for this second encounter , seriously all will be fine , just lighten it all a little , try not to go ahead too far , its okay to just enjoy yourself , that's fine.

I don't think you should have left early but you did so because of the above , life is a series of events , sometimes you just have to let things flow , try not to make it too complicated , men are pretty simple..

He will certainly message , all will be okay , just try and be a bit more relaxed , accommodating , playful..

Remember.. Serendipity :)

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Why are you sure he will message me again?

[molonski2]

Yes 100% he will...

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

What if he’s dating others at the same time?

[molonski2]

If you are really worried about it , wait a bit more time , and send another message while he is on the business trip , I'm confident that he is right into you :)

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He already returned from a business trip on Friday night. We had a date on Thursday. On Saturday he was on a birthday party. Today is Sunday he is supposed to be at Formula 1 or something. But when he had his parents here he was super busy and still found time to message me and asked for meetings all the time, even on Chinese Valentine’s day.

Now he seems to be less attentive.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

On Thursday before I cut the date short, he mentioned we could meet on Monday for the next time.

But I’ve not heard from him about that plan since then.

And yesterday he told me he was thinking to cook for me and hasn’t replied for my message since then either.

[molonski2]

FF , You do realise that the Formula 1 is a pretty full on corporate day right? Its a big day , time consuming.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He doesn’t participate just watches today

[molonski2]

I appreciate that , but its a BIG day.. trust me , seriously , especially in corporate.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I don’t know… I think maybe he no longer wants to date… I guess I’ll wait for his message tomorrow… Let’s see.

[molonski2]

Lets wait , London to a brick I am correct...

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thanks 🙏🏻

[BoopBoopBeep]

I think in the long run you'd be a lot better off coming clean with him about your dating anxiety. That way he knows it's not him or a lack of interest on your part. I can be dating a remarkable woman but if she seems uninterested to be around me I start questioning is she here for me or my money, and it's VERY hard of me not to lose interest and replace her with someone else. That person may like me for the wrong reason too, but I'll at least give her a fair shot to mess it up.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yeah, but if he doesn’t message and we don’t go on a 3rd date, I guess I can’t tell him that, right?

I think if it doesn’t work out, I’ll stop dating totally, because I am disappointed.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Sure you can. Text him that preemptively. Short and to the point, then elaborate if he follows up and asks.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I already initiated the last time and in the end he didn’t respond.

I don’t want to say anything else.

[BoopBoopBeep]

You initiated last time with a canned message he has no reason to believe. "That’s an amazing idea, I miss home cooked meals and looking forward to see how great of a cook he is." That means nothing to me when your actions and words don't match up, and by your own words, you came off as unenthusiastic. That you have the opportunity to provide actionable information to him that may (greatly) affect how he feels of you for the better, in that you were actually not disinterested. Were I him, I'd already have relegated you to second tier, because I'm not pressed to spend my time around people who don't enjoy mine as well. I said I'd cook for you, and I will, but I'm putting less effort into it and I'm not rearranging things on my calendar to do it. With this new information you've just given me I'm more inclined not only to do it sooner rather than later, but to actively find ways to try to reduce your anxiety while we're on dates, thereby making them better for both of us. And now you're back up to first tier.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I understand…

But I already told him I was just tired that day. Which I was because I slept only 5 hours the night before due to anxiety.

So, the first time I contacted him I told him I actually enjoyed being with him I was just tired and didn’t show it,

I wouldn’t kiss him if I didn’t like him right?

So, I tried to make things better, contacted him and told him I was just tired that day and in truth I felt very cozy and peaceful next to him and I enjoyed being there a lot.

He then told me to just tell me when I am tired next time and we can watch a movie instead.

Then he said he’s thinking of cooking for me and when I reply after a while, he doesn’t respond anymore…

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I don’t want him to think I come up with excuses all the time. I am really sad though… Cause I liked him and haven’t liked anyone this much for a long time.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I also think maybe he didn’t like me that much and I don’t want to feel like I am chasing.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I also feel like I always do things in a wrong way when I really like someone and always end up heartbroken 🫠

[BoopBoopBeep]

So, the first time I contacted him I told him I actually enjoyed being with him I was just tired and didn’t show it,

Actions speak louder than words. I don't believe anything you tell me in text message more than what I witness with my own eyes.

I wouldn’t kiss him if I didn’t like him right?
That's not true at all. I've had sex with women that actively hated me. Sometimes you're working out a grudge.

I don’t want him to think I come up with excuses all the time.
But you are. Because you haven't given him the whole truth. The actual reason why you were like that is because of your anxiety, "I was tired" is an excuse. Leaving early is an excuse. "Hey I have this issue" IS the truth, and one you've not shared.

I also think maybe he didn’t like me that much and I don’t want to feel like I am chasing.
Well, maybe, but I can just about guarantee that he likes you less now because you're giving mixed signals. Your chance to fix (or mitigate it) is "hey I have this psychological issue..."and then lay your cards on the table. You pushed him away but you want him back. You should be chasing a little. It's not his job to read your mind and those are the actions that would speak volumes in your current situation.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

If he messages me something, I guess I’ll mention that, but if he doesn’t - I’ll just accept his decision.

I like him a lot.

But if he doesn’t reciprocate I don’t think there’s much else I can do.

At least I’ve never kept him on seen. And even though I tend to reply late, I do always reply.

He knows I work on Sundays and I told him I replied late because I was working.

It’s just I am sad because It’s my first time to like someone that older than me and thought he’d be a bit more understanding and slow to judge.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I have one more opinion, maybe I can invite him on a dinner instead?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Nope. Changed my mind. I liked him, but if he doesn’t see I am not the one to lose, it’s his problem, I think.

I am going to stop thinking about him. Women like me deserve men for whom they are the first priority and who are willing to show attention.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I posted a very sexy pic of mine and wrote a title “Ain’t your baby girl 😈”

He just liked it.

But hasn’t messaged. So, I guess that’s it. I lose the interest.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I also think I am too hard on myself and I haven’t done anything that bad to make him lose interest, I think he lost interest because I didn’t agree to go to his house after he offered me when we kissed.

I don’t think 2nd date is a right time to have sex.

Shouldn’t we get to know each other a bit more?

[BoopBoopBeep]

I have one more opinion, maybe I can invite him on a dinner instead?

I like that idea. One last push. If he doesn't bite then you walk away from him entirely.

If you don't want to have sex on the second date I don't think that's a problem. I don't think it's likely a problem for him either. Now if it was date 45 and we were still having this conversation...

You said "It’s just I am sad because It’s my first time to like someone that older than me and thought he’d be a bit more understanding and slow to judge." Speaking AS an older man, I think we can be quite understanding. I also think we have very little time to contemplate and reflect on nuances of social situations. Not just because I'm dying sooner, but I'm much, MUCH busier than I was in my 20s and early 30s. I mean you saw my other post (well, reply to your post... actually maybe it wasn't your post... maybe it was somebody else's I don't' remember the actual topic now) about the women that asked me out yesterday. My plans with one are 6 weeks out because that's the soonest I can muster. 20-year-old me would have thought "well what if she finds someone else in that time?" 46-year-old me says "F it then there will be others." Many times it's not that we don't want to pay more attention, but there's just no more to give. No doubt you're a very attractive woman. From what I can tell on here at least, you seem pretty classy, which puts you head and shoulders above all the OnlyTramps site operators on here. You certainly can hold a conversation a lot better than many women even ten years older than you. All this speaks volumes for you. That said, I still think being honest and up front about your situation will do you a world of good, especially the higher caliber of man you choose to date.

[Iron_Man]

You have to be careful with things like that he could be looking for sex and wanted to extend the date late into the bedroom. You should put your cards on the table from the very first get go so you don’t waste your time saying that you don’t sleep around

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Did you read the whole story?

But he said he was looking for a serious relationship? I haven’t had sex with him.

[Iron_Man]

Yeah, but some guys try to trick woman by saying that I’ve heard many stories

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

But I feel like he’s quite handsome, successful and etc. He doesn’t need to use that trick to make anyone interested, I think he can get girls quite easily.

I don’t know maybe he found someone else, who’s not going to make him wait for sex?

I am just really sad, why it happens when I truly end up liking someone.

I don’t know why would he disappear

[Iron_Man]

No, I don’t know if you understand me he’s not using the trick to make you interested, some guys want to use women for sex and then they leave and sometimes if they don’t get sex they leave, you have to be careful of players

[Ironic_Method]

It could be several reasons that he's not reaching out, not because he wasn't interested.

Why did you wait 2 hours to respond to him?

Also, try being more upfront with what you're feeling. If you were nervous, then say so! The right person will understand and if the person doesn't they aren't worth your time.

[msc545]

Perhaaps, like me, he cannot cook and was embarrassed to tell you that. (I am not by any means trying to encourage this but I am suggesting an alternative explanation).

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He told me on a 2nd date that he is pretty good at cooking.

[msc545]

Maybe he should not have said that as it seems to be probably false.

(At least with me you get an admission of inadequacy and incompetence right up front).

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He messaged me yesterday that he was thinking of cooking for me next time

[msc545]

He probably figured out that he could have someone else cook it and then tell you he did it. He is not too smart, is he?

[msc545]

He is putting in a lot of effort just to have sex with you. Be careful since such people often turn out to be those who get obsessed and end up as stalkers.

[msc545]

Try offering to help him cook and see what happens. I bet he will tell you no, he wants to surprise you or some other excuse to have you come over after he is "finished".

[msc545]

On the day he didn't message you he was waiting to see if he could talk (or pay) someone to do the cooking ahead of your arrival. Once he knew he could he texted you saying he would do it "next time".

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I don’t think so. He is quite smart, he says he is more of a street smart, but he is a professor in his field and has taught in university before starting his business.

So, I think he is smart.

[msc545]

Not smart enough apparently.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I think he expected to have sex right away and when I answered him, no,

He lost interest.

I didn’t explain my “No”,

I think not wanting sex on a 2nd date is quite easily understandable,

But I guess not many girls tell him no because he’s rich and handsome. So he mustn’t be used to that and thinks I play hard to get.

Whatever, he could wait a bit more if he was smarter. I agree.

[msc545]

TMI...

[DarkWinterNights]

I’m sorry. The self sabotage is real, I do something similar. Whenever I start to get close to someone I find a way to ruin it. I think it’s a self defense mechanic but I don't know. I’m not damaged, I’m just not very trusting and it results in me coming across very emotionally detached and unenthusiastic.

[Andres77]

You really overthought it. Sometimes you just have to let it flow naturally

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am an overthinker. But what do you mean, What part did I overthink?

[Andres77]

For starters, he just might be busy right now and he’s going to reply to your last text. If he can’t see that you are a phenomenal young lady then he’s not worth your time but I’m going to say that he’s just busy right now and he will get back to you soon and your next post will be about “I should have given him a little bit more time to reply”.

[justabuddy]

I hate to say this, but seemed a little too good to be true. That usually means player. I could be wrong, I am working with very little info and don't know the guy. Just the vibe I got.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yep, he is very good. I have never liked a man this much for a long time.

But why do you think he was a player?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Especially that he is 20 years older than me, don’t men grow out of being players at that age?

[justabuddy]

Not always no

[justabuddy]

You doing ok?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yep, I am just a bit sad and upset, because I finally liked someone enough to consider being their girlfriend someday in future.

I know I shouldn’t feel sad as we’ve just known each other for about a month but I am still a bit hurt and disappointed.

[justabuddy]

Who knows, he could have broke his phone.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I don’t think so…

[justabuddy]

It's human to feel sad. Your mind makes things seem better or worse than they actually are.

[ProbablyClueless]

Being confident is tricky in situations like that. Just try to take a deep breath and work on not letting your mind run away from you the next time things were going well with a guy.

[Guardian45]

Mindgames, second guessing, rarely turns out well. You may have to face the possibility that your delayed responses have killed it. Time will tell.
Going forward, don't wait two hours to respond, and tell them you're true feelings!

[eagle1951]

you worry too much about how you are doing or how it's going. just relax and let things workout for themselves

[exitseven]

Some people like to sabotage their relationship. Relationships are a scary thing.

[Sevenpointfive]

i think it's your gift