Why did my boyfriend tell me that my insecurity is a turn off and that’s why he cheated on me?

[Hello4242]

When the reason I’m insecure is BECAUSE of him. Why would he be adamant that was the reason.

[DaveJord]

So, I am going to challenge you on this question. but do not take it as if I am siding with the man... because I am not. But I will be the devil's advocate here.

First insecurities in a man or woman is a turn off. No doubt, these types become more and more toxic over time... and they love to put their insecurities off on other people. They do this because if they can put it off on the other person, then they feel that they do not have to take any personal responsibility for their own behaviors or actions.

People with high degrees of insecurity are really good at making themselves the victim is any situation. They swing their emotions around like a sledgehammer, and talked in terms of other people may them feel. They talk as if how they feel is the most important thing and that their feelings must be respected at all times. But what about the other person and their feelings, when and where does that matter?

So no, it's not his fault you feel the way you feel. You have to take responsibility for your own feelings. Now if this guy is making you feel the way you describe them dump him. Quite complaining about it and do something real about it.

And if you come back to me with the how much you really love this man type answer... then don't waste my time. If you love him so much then way he treats you must not be all that bad, and you might just be insecure as shit.

So, take a long look in the mirror and as yourself if its really just all him, or maybe there are some areas of improvement you should look into.

Bottom line, no matter the excuse for reasons for it. Insecurity = Toxicity

[Hello4242]

Everyone has their insecurities. Many people have lost the understanding of what true love is. True love is healing. It’s not two perfect people coming together. It’s two imperfect people coming together who are flawed. They love each other for the flaws and the insecurities. They see each others insecurities and want to make love to them. They want to heal each other. When you love someone, truly love them, you WANT to know about their inset so that you can help.

Toxic relationships are toxic because there is a lack of compassion for each other’s inadequacies and a lack of deep vulnerability and understanding. This is running rampant in todays world. The idea that insecurity is toxic is a manifestation of this.

Also, he absolutely brought out my insecurities and made them worse. I had nightmares about things he was doing that came true. Sometimes, not always, insecurity is a deep, gut, feeling in your bones that something is wrong. I broke up with him when I found out. I was so pure to him was so loyal was so loving so forgiving and gave him so much grace. Yet he he cheated on me, again. And I won't forgive more than once.

[love_conquers_lust]

@hello4242. That was pretty poetic. Accepting someone for all their flaws. Well done.

[DevikaButts95]

No, your partner is not your therapist and is not responsible for healing you. This is a toxic expectation. Your partner should care for you, that's true. And yea you and your partner are flawed, have to accept that each other will be flawed, but that doesn't mean you just don't fix your flaws. If you're really insecure and can't trust your partner, you shouldn't date them. Trust is like the #1 most important thing and the lack of it will destroy any relationship.

[BoopBoopBeep]

@DevikaButts95 That's the smartest thing I've read this week. Thank you. I wish I could MHO this right here. Do you have any older sisters?

[love_conquers_lust]

@BoopBoopBeep What did @DevikaButts95 say? She’s blocked me because I was a dick. She said intelligent things in our last conversation.

[BoopBoopBeep]

The part that made me want to propose was: "your partner is not your therapist and is not responsible for healing you. This is a toxic expectation."

[love_conquers_lust]

@BoopBoopBeep Ironically, she extended me that courtesy when I was being a racist dick about the colloquial usage of a “Karen”. I see videos online and all over this site encouraging interracial relationships and discouraging interracial ones, especially towards Caucasians, I’m not stupid. But it really is in the eyes of the beholder. That’s the point she tried to emphasize. Karens can exist across all races, but I kept pointing out that it specifically targeted White women so I construed it as anit-White, which it is. But I that doesn’t mean she does that or that it was her fault because she happens to be associated with people in that demographic. I feel a lot of White women get the raw end of the deal in interracial relationships and I hear tales of them suffering because of it. But I also hear tales of ALL women suffering because of guys being PUA, gaslighting, lazy, overbearing, assholes.

She told me I was an individual and that I wasn’t necessarily my race. She also called me a narcissist and pick me guy because I refused to concede her insight. She’s pretty sharp.

How’s your boner now?

[BoopBoopBeep]

@love_conquers_lust Unphased.

You said you were being a racist dick. She blocked you. Okay. That's what happens.

Karens CAN exist across all races, it's just usually the white one that goes the "Let me speak to a manager route." Black people don't call the cops on white people walking through the hood.

I'm sorry I'm not sure what point you're trying to make. I probably misread something.

[DaveJord]

@DevikaButts95 Thank you!!!

[DaveJord]

@DevikaButts95 You literally took my point and really explained it well.

[love_conquers_lust]

@BoopBoopBeep She’s a good person.

Hahaha. See? You just made racist statements. That’s what happened.

No shit they don’t call the cops on them because they welcome them. There’s racism all around.

In my opinion during our conversation, I implied she was being racist by NOT acknowledging the colloquial definition:

“Karen is a pejorative term used as slang typically for a middle-class WHITE woman who is perceived as entitled or demanding beyond the scope of what is normal.”

“The term has been considered pejorative by those who believe it is racist, sexist, ageist, classist, and controlling women's behavior.[3] The term has occasionally been applied to male behavior.”

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_(slang)

Then she argued with me that Karen wasn’t a white name, it is:

www.verywellfamily.com/karen-name-meaning-origin-popularity-5181618

But it’s devolved into what you and she described:

www.colorado.edu/.../evolving-pejoration-karen

It doesn’t mean people can’t use the name Karen. No one owns the term.

It’s like any other slur like snowbunny. It’s clearly anti-white depending in perspective. So coopting Karen it doesn’t make it any better. Like calling any race a Shaniqua won’t make it any less pejorative.

Racism is ugly. She brought up Karen, and she didn’t know I would get offended. And she tried her best to neutralize the situation, I wasn’t having it.

Trying to earn my way back into her good graces.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Hey @DevikaButts95 Not my business and I don't have a dog in the race, but @love_conquers_lust said you're "a good person" and he's "trying to earn [his] way back into [your] good graces."

Take that for what you'd like, of course... I'm just passing it along because he said you can't see his posts.

[BoopBoopBeep]

@love_conquers_lust I don't know that they necessarily "welcome" white people in the ghetto. They'd definitely get a lot of stares like "why they here?"... but having lived in both, the ghetto and the country... calling cops isn't how things are typically handled.

[DaveJord]

@BoopBoopBeep @love_conquers_lust I honestly do not see she how you all could of twisted this into racism... I thought it was all well said and well written by @DevikaButts95

[DevikaButts95]

@love_conquers_lust
I cannot believe you are still on this, it's not an anti-white term, it's all about behavior and just specifically behavior.
And this has got to be harassment at this point with you following me around to every question thread you can reply to. It's really creepy at this point you need to stop and get over it.

[DaveJord]

@DevikaButts95 Feel free to comment on my post or options any time... don't sweat these guys.

[DevikaButts95]

@BoopBoopBeep I can see all his comments. I ignore him. Please do not inform someone that someone they've blocked is wishing to be unblocked. You're giving ammo to the person blocked to keep annoying the person who blocked them.

[love_conquers_lust]

@DaveJord @BoopBoopBeep Yeah, quite the fall from grace for me.

I think it’s funny how you guys are getting defensive about it. It’s the same thing as black people getting mad about racial slurs saying “that’s our word.”.

Perspective. Water off a duck’s back, right Dave. Sorry for stalking you.

[BoopBoopBeep]

@DaveJord
I don't see any racism here. Don't lump me with LCL on this one ;)

[BoopBoopBeep]

@DevikaButts95 My bad. Wasn't trying to be a pain. Just figured if somebody did something that they were sincerely apologetic for... mending bridges and whatnot. But I hear ya, at the end of the day, not my thing.

[DevikaButts95]

@BoopBoopBeep I know, it'd probably be different if it was people you knew IRL, I can think of scenarios it is. But online its usually just two strangers and should be left alone.

[love_conquers_lust]

@BoopBoopBeep @DaveJord “ I don't see any racism here. Don't lump me with LCL on this one”. Pfft. You already did it.

“ it's just usually the white one that goes the "Let me speak to a manager route." Black people don't call the cops on white people walking through the hood.”

It doesn’t matter if it’s absolute or general. It falls under stereotype.

I don’t recall one for @DaveJord, but I’m pretty sure if I rooted through all his shit, I could find it too.

[DevikaButts95]

He is legitimately psychotic, it's best just to ignore him at this point.

[BoopBoopBeep]

@love_conquers_lust Stereotypes aren't the same thing as racism, my man. Neither are generalities. GENERALLY speaking, white women are more likely to say "let me speak to the manager" than black women are. That's not racism, that's observable, quantifiable data. Data isn't racist.

[BoopBoopBeep]

@DevikaButts95 Yep... starting to see your point. I'ma just go ahead and double down on the "my bad" on that one.

[love_conquers_lust]

@BoopBoopBeep Oh, buddy, that does NOT help your argument. Are you a…racial realist? I think they call that a “soft” racist. Data isn’t racist sure, but those who interpret it…

My point is, I’m going to play the proverbial alpha dog in the manger and drag you all down if diversity and racism is going to be thrown in people’s faces to drag me down. When everyone is racist, them no one is, or are they?

I keep saying, ugly, UUUUUGLY topic. My original reply to OP’s post sums it up pretty succinctly, people struggling for moral high ground.

I think it wise you both @DaveJord & @BoopBoopBeep concede this:
What’s true at the individual level isn’t necessarily true at the population level. Law of averages.

[DaveJord]

@love_conquers_lust Wow, just wow. Liked my man, we have exchanged opinions back and forth more than once... I can not say I saw you coming at me over this one..

I just that I wrote a descent opinion to the asker, and @DevikaButts95 followed up with a good response. Thats it. I have no idea where this shit started with you and @DevikaButts95 and I don't give a shit... but I get all the notifications on this and I am thinking of seeing if I can just delete it so you all stop it.

[DevikaButts95]

@DaveJord You can block him, and hide all his opinions which is what I recommend.

[DevikaButts95]

Will prevent him from posting more and will remove the nonsense off the thread.

[love_conquers_lust]

@DaveJord. Yup, it’s poison. I’m the only honest one here trying to see all sides. When I stop seeing things like “White privilege” or “Karens”, perhaps it’ll disappear. Or figure out a way to stop talking about it in a heterogeneous society, like what we tried to do for years. Yet somehow, this shit keeps popping up. Good luck to all on that one.

Again, what’s true at the individual level is not necessarily true at the population level. That’s the best I got.

[love_conquers_lust]

@DaveJord …or vice versa.

[DaveJord]

@love_conquers_lust Nothing about this involved White privileged though... who started talking white privilege like I ain't reading all this shit. Like zero shits given... privilege in this world does exist... but you want just the term white privilege... then yeah that's racist. But that's not what this is about...

I don't just block people, that's not my thing. Sometimes you learn more from these types then you would otherwise. But someone is definitely being excessively toxic here. Unless you break out in a diatribe of personally insults directed me your good in my book.

And yes, there are those that have ranted at me from being sexist to racist, to completely insecure and unworthy of life. But dude this is not what this shit is about... it really does appear you are harassing her man... just chill.

[love_conquers_lust]

@DaveJord. Incoming racist narcissism: You can try to put it on me. That’s what they call it the white man’s burden. Maybe I’m sick of carrying it.

It’s another term. You can air out a whole laundry list of terms for different races, and same logic will still apply. But I get what you’re implying, racism is easy, tolerance is hard.

Yeah, it’s like a restraining order. You got to tip toe through the tulips to avoid people. These are message boards. People post opinions, we can be adults and hear each other out. This site is set up in a toxic way. Anybody can report and silence people and anybody can block anyone with no recourse. I’m amazed it hasn’t caused a positive feedback loop where everybody continually reports everyone’s content in retaliation until there is nothing to read on the site. Blocking is also a form of Balkanizing.

[BoopBoopBeep]

@love_conquers_lust I don't have an argument because I can't even follow what you're trying to discuss. I have no idea what a "racial realist" is, and honestly I don't care enough to google it. I'm also the last person to throw diversity in anyone's face since I couldn't give a turd in a punch bowl about diversity anyways. I've lives places where most people looked like me and I've lived places where most people didn't look like me, and didn't change a lick for me one way or the other. Never see people that look like me on this tv show? Don't care. That's a first world problem.

What's true at the population level isn't necessarily true at the individual level either, but literally nobody here has tried to debunk or refute that. Are you responding to a different post somewhere? Whatever are you on about?

[BoopBoopBeep]

I'm with dave on the whole "blocking isn't my thing" take on it, but feels like there's just word salad coming out of LCL here and I may end up using that just to clean up the thread because I honestly have no idea what he's going on about.

[love_conquers_lust]

@DaveJord Anyway, there’s some grass that needs touching.

[Hello4242]

@DevikaButts95 @DaveJord

You misunderstood me. I am not saying that it is the sole responsibility of your partner to heal you. It always our responsibility, first and foremost, to heal ourselves. BUT what I am saying is that in a healthy relationship each person should play an important part in that process. It isn’t in a forced way, that wouldn’t be loving. In a healthy relationship, partners support each other in overcoming inadequacies and insecurities by providing emotional comfort, understanding, and encouragement. They create a safe space where both individuals can openly discuss their feelings and vulnerabilities without judgment. In this supportive environment, they work together to address their insecurities, often by boosting each other's self-confidence. This should be in any relationship. If your partner doesn’t make you feel like a better person, what’s the point?

[Der_Ritter]

@DevikaButts95 Agreed. You're only as good as what you bring to the table and if you bring a bunch of baggage then don't be shocked if the other person isn't going to carry it for you on top of their own.

I will say a certain level of support and understanding and help is absolutely necessary in any relationship but if it devolves into one emotional parasite leeching endlessly off the other to no avail then yeah it's utterly toxic and you shouldn't be surprised if your relationship falls flat.

[DaveJord]

@hello4242 I 100% agree with you, but you must understand... men are never going to feel what you feel on the same level as you or put as much importance on it. Like men will care deeply for their women, but that are never going to feel things on the same level as woman in general.

So you must understand that, and yeah... in every relationship there is always some degree of inbalance from one thing to next... so if you need this more than he needs it from you... there will in balance and you will always be on the short end of that stick.

But men in general find them on the short end of many other sticks when comes to women... so honestly you can expect all things in the world you want... but what are you doing to address his expectations?

Like trust me I have worn myself out trying to be some womans, everything and after 24 years of marriage she chewed me up and spit me out. So it really hard to try to get back to that level of give a shitiness when every woman needs emotional support to varying degrees.

The many point here is, how many of all those things are you doing for yourself first, before you put it on to someone else? Because if you cannot do most of these things for yourself first, how are you ever going to do any of it for anyone else?

So as a man, that's the number one thing I have to offer, my friendship and understanding. I can understand, but I can not personally relate to it on the same emotional level as you. I can do most of those things you have laid out for myself, and I can help and support you in figuring out how you can learn to do it for yourself as well, but it ain't my responsibility to do go through all that shit with or for you. You have a personal responsibility to yourself first... and if you can't do that then its not there for me to do for you or even be a part of. I got my own shit to deal with and I am doing that for myself first.

[DaveJord]

@hello4242 I say all that, because I have been there and lived it. You have to take personal responsibility for yourself and your process first. Bottom line... why? Because honestly, you can't rely on other people to be there for you when you really need them. Bottom Line.

Like they will show up for the big events and seriously darkest of times... but every day in every way... now that shit wears you out, and you end up burning through people and friendships.

[Hello4242]

I think I see what you’re saying. It sounds like you’ve been with woman who are emotional vampires and they want you to fix all their problems. Thats absolutely unfair and toxic. Thats why the number one quality I look for is willingness to grow and be a better person. Finding someone that always strives to be better is tough. Most people down want to face their own demons; ignorance is bliss. So they take it out on their partners instead. I think the key here is that we should at least be self-aware. A partner who had many insecurities or things to work on but is at least self-aware of them, open and painfully vulnerable about them, and working on them is someone who is capable working on them within a relationship in a healthy way. But when you have someone that wants to blame you, completely rely on you you to fix them, likely lacks much self-awareness. And that would be exhausting.

[DaveJord]

@hello4242 I think you got it dead on!!!

[DaveJord]

Only you can slay your own demons. You stare the demons in the eyes, you can battle it and wrestle with it... you can try to get help and support and you definitely need to lean on others from time to tome.

But only you can slay your own demons, like kick its ass and beat to into the pavement, then stomp on it a few times, and walk back and forth over its dead corpse. Nobody, I mean NOBODY, can do that for you. And once you slay that demon, come home, give me a hug and cry on my shoulder and I will sit there and hold you and hug you, and love you.

[DaveJord]

I never got that, I never gave that... not until I slayed my own demons. I was just unable to do it for myself or anyone else until I learned and there was nothing easy about it.

[love_conquers_lust]

@BoopBoopBeep @DaveJord. “…I may end up using that just to clean up the thread…”. Cut the melodrama.

For vitriolic context:
How would you react if someone starts recording you without your authorization? ↗

I like how you used “first world problem”. “What kind of word salad is that? Why did you bring it up?” You like punching up? You going to call me a Karen or any other anti-white racist term? What other poison you got?

In that conversation, I said I didn’t want to be around people who kept admonishing me for what I perceived was racism despite colloquial use of that term. Like you said, @DaveJord, it’s emotionally draining being buffeted with shit like that. Slay your own demons, sure. But believe what your eyes behold. When you view the world through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags. She called me a racist for wanting to associate with whoever I felt like, specifically people who used language like that. People from other demographics trying to impose their own interpretations of language that wasn’t theirs to begin with is hostility regardless of intent, I take exception to that. You don’t assimilate into a culture by romping around their backyard and telling them what’s what.

Understand something, I don’t always apologize because I’m in the wrong. I often do because I’m in the right, and I know sometimes it makes people feel bad. So, that’s why I say, sure, call me a racist. But be fair and honest with yourselves and call yourselves one as well. Then no one has any moral high ground over anyone. If you keep unjustifiably calling someone racist, don’t be surprised when they actually act like one in retaliation. <-Don’t take this to be ironic when it’s a matter of who fired across the bow first.

I agree. I think it best to let this tangent die. Suck out the poison.

[DaveJord]

@love_conquers_lust You got demons, bro. you got sit down and have seriously personal discussion with your self.

[love_conquers_lust]

@DaveJord. And angels. I dance with both of them.

[dynamicyandere]

That’s like blaming a rape victim that they were raped because they weren’t dressed modestly.


No. They were raped because the perpetrator decided to rape.


Sure, maybe dressing modestly may have helped draw less attention.


But a rapist is a rapist and is going to rape people whether or not they dress modestly.


And here, sure insecurity can be a turn off to people.


But to choose to cheat as a response? That’s all on him. He’s just refusing to take responsibility, which is very immature.

[Anonymous]

He's just trying to making it look like it's your fault but it's not. There's a huge trend right of making insecurity look like the biggest red flag in someone and that it's entirely on them (most of the time the insecurity is induced by the behavior of the so but ok) It's like a card nothing can beat. It also has changed meaning, it now means anything other than blind trust and endless forgiveness. If a partner, often a guy does anything, no matter how bad it is, if they can accuse you of being insecure they will allow themselves a clean conscience and even get praised by others. I feel like the "insecure girlfriend" is the new "crazy girlfriend" that used to be "hysterical girlfriend" it's just a misogynistic way to shut up women who are having valid concerns about their male partner's behavior.

[Hello4242]

Wow this is a trend now? The world is becoming so sick.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't know if people do it as much irl but watch it on social media, anytime women talk about perfectly reasonable concern related to dating and relationships, it's omgggg look at her so insecure! Even women use it against other women. They're trying SO hard to be the cool girl. Like Omg I'm not insecure like her, I'm so cool and chill Idc if you go to the strip club~ Stuff like that. It's ridiculous

[DevikaButts95]

It's a common cycle that people really scared that their partners will cheat on them end up pushing them to cheat on them, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Especially if you fought all the time accusing him of cheating, it creates a toxic dynamic where he loves, doesn't want to break up, but he's miserable because you lack so little trust. Sometimes it leads to the relationship ending, sometimes they still refuse to end the relationship and but end up cheating.
Doesn't really justify the cheating though. Also that might not at all be the situation and he might just be gaslighting you for all I know.

[ManOnFire]

He gave you a complete bullshit excuse. If he was turned off by your insecurity, he could've left at any time he wanted and went with someone else, so why bother staying with you if he feels you're toxic and insecure, and cheat? He is making no sense and you're buying his bullshit.

[Summeroflove]

Because he’s worthless and you need to find better. Being with the wrong person will tear you down. He wants to make excuses and feel better about what he did.

[Strong_Warrior]

Nooo you are wrong

[Summeroflove]

@Strong_Warrior how am I wrong? He should have broke off the relationship if he was not happy. If you’re cheating then stop.

[Summeroflove]

I can tell who the cheaters are by who defends other cheaters.

[Finchie40]

Because a cheater always points fingers at someone else for their own selfish actions , it is never their fault , your boyfriend shouldn’t be your boyfriend anymore period , Kick his ass to the curb where he belongs , you deserve better than that

[OlderAndWiser]

Most people who cheat look for a justification that allows them to blame their partner and that allows them to avoid thinking badly of themselves. Alcoholics do the same thing.

[Jpisme]

Because he happens to be a grade A turd with some narcissistic tendencies. As well as being insecure himself. Any guy with confidence and self respect is not going to try to blame you for his mistakes. I get so pissed when someone cheats on the person they supposedly love which is definitely a huge fuck up as it is but on top of that is such a coward little weasel that they are going to make you feel shame and guilt for it. I'm sorry my response isn't so nice but little people (him) really get to me. If you get a chance would you tell me what month his birthday happens to be in?

[Hello4242]

I think he likes those apps because it feeds his ego and gives him validation and attention. So I know he’s much much more insecure then I am. His birthday is August 16th

[Anonymous]

Cause he wants you to believe you’re the problem when you’re absolutely not. Sometimes when one’s gets cheated on we think to ourselves “what did I do to turn him off?”, “did I cause this?”, “am I lacking something?” , basically we tend to look at ourselves and feel we’re the reason. He’s just pushing you too believe that you pushed him away. But just remember, if someone wants to cheat, they will. It doesn’t matter if you have insecurities or not, it doesn’t matter anything really, they are some people who think they are too entitled in this life and will do whatever they please and never accept that they’re wrong.


Also, if he ever comes back and cries literal tears and apologizes , I highly recommend you kick in in the nuts and never take him back. They’ll just cheat again and again.

[Hello4242]

The tears make it so confusing. The first time he seemed so guilty and he told me it was because he thought I was too good to be true and he would lose me. Now he’s incessantly calling me and I’m ignoring him. I won't ever speak to him again.

[OfMiceandMen]

Don't fall for his BS. He's just trying to flip the blame to you when he's the turd in this scenario. It's his way of feeling less guilty about what he did. A real man would accept what he did and make sure you know, it had nothing to do with you.

Besides, if he truly cares/cared about you, the last thing he would do, is something that makes you even more insecure.

If anything, don't let his actions make you feel as though your responsible in any way whatsoever, your boyfriend is a terrible person and his behavior is inexcusable.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he was hoping it'd encourage you to try to develop confidence. But that also just seems like a really easy way to make someone more insecure.

I doubt your insecurity (which I don't necessarily view as a bad thing, it can even be cute at times) will suddenly morph into confidence. And if he claims that's why he cheated, it seems like it's a serious issue for him. And considering he has already chested, I think it's worth considering ending the relationship.

That being said, I don't know all the other subtle intricacies of the relationship. So don't just take me word, think long and hard and listen to your gut.

[Hello4242]

When I called him out for what I saw I told him that there’s something wrong with him because he’s been lying telling me he’s not doing these live video cam apps or websites but then I find he’s been doing it this entire time. He told me he knows there’s something wrong with him and that he wants to hide it from me. His first relationship cheated on him and his brother who he was incredibly close to died about 3yrs ago. When I met him he was a shell of a person and he truly did change and become so much better. Im guessing that he feels an emptiness and void and has an addiction to these apps and talking to girls because it distracts him.

[Hello4242]

*he changed and become truly better after I met him, and continuously improved himself. Even his parents noticed changes in him.

It’s so confusing knowing he was being better why this he didn’t change.

[tireduck]

Believe it or not. Men do find it a turn-off when a girl especially their girlfriend is insecure. Not only does it become a turn-off, but it's starts to become annoying because they have to constantly reassure you and validate your feelings. Which by no means is wrong its what u should do in a relationship. But ultimately it's going to eat away at your partner mentally. Cuz they have to second guess what they should say or act in order not to hurt your feelings etc. Because you are the one who really needs to do the self-work on improving yourself by seeing yourself in a more positive light and gaining more confidence.
You didn't really give any details as to why u have that insecurity because of him. So my answer is reflected based on what u provided.

[Hello4242]

He cheated on me in the beginning of the relationship which caused me to wonder a lot what he was doing if he was being sneaky and he called this insecure. It wasn’t really an insecurity it was a logical reaction

[Hello4242]

He gets really “turned off” when I go through his phone to check if he’s cheating and get angry when I find something. I think it’s because he knows he hiding shit and obviously wants to get away with it

[Hello4242]

He’s told me he can’t hide anything from me. That must be pretty enraging for a cheater lmao

[abbyjgriffin98]

I honestly do not know much of the context. If he is abusive, physically or mentally, you have the power to leave. If you really are insecure to the point you are extremely jealous/controlling, that is an issue you need to be willing to work out yourself. Everybody has insecurities, but a healthy mind can manage them and know when to take a break and not let them control you. If there is a specific person who constantly talks down to you, gaslights/manipulates you and makes you feel bad about yourself, get rid of him/her. But if every single romantic relationship or friendship falls flat because of your insecurities, they might not be the issue. The issue might be you.

[Lisia]

That's just pure gaslighting. He's at fault for cheating. Never think you're the one to blame, that's what they want you to believe. If he thinks being insecure is such a turn-off, he shouldn't have made you insecure in the first place smh 🙄🤢

[SquishyBuns2628]

Sis that's not your man. That's community trash. Kick him to the curb. He's adamant on making you feel bad so that you stay with him because you stayed with him even after he told you he cheated on you. If that's not enough to free yourself from him on top of making you feel bad then good luck 💯

[TalkWithoutSpeaking]

I'm not sure I understand the question. If he cheated on you because your insecurity turns him off then it's his problem both because he cheated and because instead of helping you with your insecurity, he's just avoiding talking about it and ignoring it.

[boggboss]

More likely then not he is just being toxic and blaming u for his behaviour I will say tho I have seen many situations of friends who are with partners that are insecure and do things like constantly accuse their partner of cheating or want to know where they are 24/7 or go through their phone which at what point they might aswell be cheating because they are being treated as if they already are

[Hello4242]

I think those girls have a gut instinct that their person is doing those things already or is very capable. I have never been so scared of being cheated on and so anxious before him and my gut was telling me so intensely that he’s a cheater. My guy about him was spot on the entire time. We should give woman more credit instead of calling them crazy for this. Woman including myself have a problem with trusting their intuition when they love someone. They can feel it in their bones yet ignore it.

[boggboss]

Anyone is capable of cheating and one women's intuition is another women's insecurities or iverthinking I have spoken to enough women on gag and irl to know its not 100% on the mark I have had friends partners call me to ask what girls I have at my house because he must be here with a girl or friends be told they can't go to the gym because they might pick up a girl no its not as simple as intuition

[Hello4242]

I agree that it’s not always intuition. But even where she’s wrong about where is and what he’s doing, that doesn’t mean it’s not still her intuition. Just something telling her something off, but she just doesn’t know what exactly he doing.

[boggboss]

So even when her intuition is off and she is wrong about him cheating somthing is still off?

[Hello4242]

Yeah she could know in her gut that he’s cheating but be wrong about how he’s doing it.

[Hello4242]

Or if you know for sure he’s not cheating at all then it could be that she feels that if the opportunity were to present itself that he would give in to temptation.

[Hello4242]

I know from talking to my ex, the one I’m referring to in this post, that guy friends actually hide a lot of shit from each other. Do you think that they for sure would tell you if they are or would cheat on their girl? Like my ex said shit to his buddies like he doesn’t watch porn to look good in front of them but turns out he was watching porn everyday.

[boggboss]

I have a pretty open friends group 1 guy in the group is a cheater its not somthing that would be hidden again I know for a fact in two differnt cases that they wasn't cheating to state that your guy is telling you that your partner would give into temptation for me just indercates u don't trust them sure u might have reason not to but at that point why are u even with them whenever I have seen someone make this claim its always done in a way that's not dependable how can u say my guts telling me you are cheating or going to cheat how do u even respond to that without just ending things as no about of proof can fix a guy feeling apart from the person accepting it

[boggboss]

What kind of friends group did your ex have if he had to hide that he watches porn lol what a clown

[Hello4242]

Because love is forgiving and love is unconditional. At least for me. When I love someone I see the absolute best in them, I want to forgive them, and I want to give them another chance. It’s much easier said than done to just walk up and leave. But, that would be the healthiest thing to do for myself. It’s not in my heart to leave people like that. Even outside romantics relationships I’ve been screwed over by people but still give them many chances. Also this one was a huge reason for me. He was actually changing a lot for me. He became such a better person with me and he would tell me that all the time. So because I saw he was putting in so much effort to be better, communication wise, that made it harder to leave

[Hello4242]

He had two different friend groups. One was a really nice group of guys, kinda innocent. And the other were assholes. He even lied to his brother he doesn’t watch porn.

[boggboss]

Sounds like he was a fucking loser lol that aside honestly u need to learn to protect yourself all u do by staying in situations that are clearly toxicity damage yourself

[Hello4242]

I know. I have to figure out why I do that.

[Anonymous]

even if you weren't insecure, he still would have cheated on you. it just seems like that is the type of person he is. blaming his faults on others who are innocent. like "look, you practically MADE me cheat on you" that is such a nonsense excuse!

[YesterdaysChild]

Sounds like he is making excuses for his indiscretion. That is two strikes against him. I wouldn't give him a third. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. And fool me a third time, what didn't you learn the first two times dummy? Don't be the dummy.

[Strong_Warrior]

Bullshit

[YesterdaysChild]

@Strong_Warrior Well stop waling through the cow pasture then.

[Strong_Warrior]

An other nonsense

[YesterdaysChild]

@Strong_Warrior Seeing as you left no other opinion than that, you can't say too much about another's opinion, can you? 🤔😃😅😂

[RingOfFire]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Guys!

Have to hand it to him that's a good one!

It's like when she walks in the room and he's in bed with another girl and he jumps up and says to the other girl... " OMG! What are YOU doing in our bed?"

[Toriixlovely]

Tell him he’s a turn off. I got told the same thing. Mfs like that cheat because they want validation, ego boost, and insecurities them self. Plus, he cheated cause that’s what he is (a cheater) He’s not a child everyone has a choice & he’s grown enough to know what the hell he is doing. So, don’t let him put you down into making you believe you’re the issue. ITS NOOOT!

[Fireguy17]

because he is making it your fault, blaming you for him cheating on you, so in his mind he did nothing wrong, it was your fault.
Not going to get very far with that one, but it was a heck of a try.
Don't fall for it.
Sounds like it is time to move on, his behavior won't change and will possibly get worse if he gets away with it.

[talk4m3]

It could be that you being insecure about other things is a turnoff for him, BUT in no way is that an excuse cause him cheating will just make you more insecure. He sounds manipulative and before anything should have just broke up if that's how he was feeling instead of hurting you further.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Trust me he cheated because he's an asshole it has nothing to do with how insecure you are. I have a question for you did you stay with him after he cheated on you?

[Hello4242]

No way

[Strong_Warrior]

He is not an asshole. He is a great man

[Bklynbadboy12]

@Hello4242 Message me

[Anonymous]

Because that's what cheaters do. Man or woman it doesn't matter! They want to cheat so they fabricate a reason. Don't get me wring you might be insecure that might have drove him. But that didn't make him cheat. All he had to do is break up with you and then he could have f***ed whoever he liked. So the REALITY is he just wanted to cheat. There is NO EXCUSE for cheating. NONE! Never happened.

[Hello4242]

Why would that be a driving force to cheat?

[motownplayer2000]

Why did you feel insecure because of him?


But the answer is, no one makes you feel insecure but you.. we all have flaws, but that should not make you insecure about things. You should have confidence regardless. Men with insecurities are destroyed by women.. so yes, it is a bit of a turn off to see an insecure woman. But that’s a conversation.. not a cheating situation.. he is just scum for that.

[Blueeyes81]

Often tomes insecure people cause their fears to come true. If you constantly accuse your partner of cheating, one of two things will happen. They cheat or they leave. Insecure people are absolutely draining and suck the joy out of your life. You have to walk on eggshells and put everything on hold just to constantly reassure them. Does that reassurance really help, no.

[Iron_Man]

Horrible excuse don’t tell me you’re still with him

[Hello4242]

Im not im actually sick to my stomach more about the fact he would say something so cruel

[Iron_Man]

How long did you know this guy horrible person?

[sheikalana]

That guy is an idiot. He's blaming for something that he did what a coward. He doesn't deserve o be your boyfriend.

[molonski2]

Id say its what he genuinely believes , and you admit the insecurity, sometimes this is very off-putting , quite honestly I don't think you two should be together , your interpretation is just that , its not how he feels.

[raylasoul]

First of all, there’s never a good reason to cheat. He’s just a cheater. If he was that unhappy with you then he should’ve just walked away. Not cheat. That sounded more like an excuse to step out on you.

[wolfcat87]

If you weren't insecure until after he cheated, then it's just deflection and looking for an excuse to justify his bad behavior. If you were insecure before, it still didn't make him cheat. He could have just broken up with you.

[dreamstar72]

He is just trying to pass the blame on to you. So you will think about it and hopefully (NOT) forgive him.

[strateguy632]

because peopple who are GUILTY try to accuse others as a distraction.

[DJB72]

I assume you're looking for a more comprehensive answer than "because he's a fuckwitted moron"?

Sorry, that's the only real answer.

[averageJosh]

Ma'am, there is no excuse viable for cheating. Seriously, if you see someone else that lights your fire and they are "the one" then you break off your current relationship. Period, no exceptions. Your boyfriend is weak and acting so my hedging his bets...

[LiamJHayden]

He just used it as a lame excuse for his lack of integrity.

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

Your boyfriend is trying to use a technicality to excuse his bad decisions. I suggest you rethink this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Cheaters suck however he is not to blame for your insecurities. You are to blame for them. If you growed some confidence you wouldn't be insecure

[Jdodkfndosn]

Fair enough, but that's a little harsh in that everyone has insecurities, even though who seem to be the most confident

[Hello4242]

@Jdodkfndosn thank you. Very true. We should be loved not just for our insecurities but because of them. We should be comforted and reassured and given space and the compassion to heal them.

[AVirgoMan]

Those who want to cheat will cheat in any way possible. I think he was looking for an excuse to cheat.

[Sharkstealth]

You should just marry him and have a couple kids then divorce and take his house and retirement money. Then you can tell everybody how men all suck like bitches because you love him so much now and he can do no wrong.

[nawtee_me]

Because it is just an excuse for him. So he can blame you and not be responsible for his actions.

[OddBeMe]

Mmm making you feel like you’re responsible for his cheating. That’s brilliant!

”Honey?”

[Twalli]

That's the reason you're insecure, because he cheated on you. If he was loyal and true, you wouldn't be insecure

[ShesRad80]

he turned it around on you and made his poor choices your fault. total douche bag

[AmeerX]

Ex boyfriend, tell him good bye 👋. Not worth the hassle of explanation

[lildkman1090]

Fuck him I know how all that goes and you need to kick his ass to the Kiev and start over fresh

[HelpfulWoman]

Make him an ex pronto.

Dude is using gaslighting and manipulating you.

[Nikki1989]

Did he seriously use that as an excuse for cheating?

Dump him, you don't need this.

[Avicenna]

he's gaslighting you

[serious_miss419]

I second this

[DARKCLOUD1945X]

Just might be that he wants a breakup and wants you to do it to ease his feelings or does not have the balls to do it. Any way you slice it itis time to say good bye.

[BigDog1989]

Because while I don't condone his cheating, insecurity is a MAJOR turn off. He's with you, because he likes you. BE CONFIDENT

Cheating is just him trying to get away with being a fucktard

[Guardian45]

Because your boyfriend is F ed in the head! DTMFer! NEXT!

[shortster]

Because he is a narcissistic player that blames others for his faults.

[Robzei]

Sadly you kind of manifest the things you don't want to happen

[Radiate143]

You're insecurity could be a turn off but his cheating is all on him.

[ohmyguy]

I've had girl friends say the same thing..
people dont want to walk on eggshells to be withsome one..

[Mynameisbobby]

If he found your insecurities a turn off why didn't he just break up with you? I think someone that cheats male or female is just selfish!

[DarkWinterNights]

Because he’s allergic to accountability and is gaslighting you.

[AnusNdaPainus]

Blaming others and not taking accountability is cyanide for a relationship

this is how a lot of women wreck their relationships

[jahaims]

He is trying to justify being trash. Why isn't he your ex? Have some self respect.

[Hello4242]

He is. Way to assume

[jahaims]

You said, "my boyfriend." I didn't assume anything dipshit.

[Hello4242]

Someone’s angry lmao

[jahaims]

Way to assume im angry. Someone is deflecting because they realize how stupid their comment was.

[Hello4242]

Here you are putting me down and I’m not saying anything mean to you

[jahaims]

Passive aggression is negative. Deflect more

[Hello4242]

Uhh ok

[boobliker]

if he cheatted on you hen why are you still with him...

[Hello4242]

Im not

[_no_one_]

Coz he a cunt and the sooner u find out the better.