My younger sister is seeing a guy. He has a baby mom, who he still lives with and he tells my sister that he’s gonna move out and get his own place but he says he knows if he does that his baby mom won’t let him see his kids. She works with the guy and he has sort of triangulated her into some mess with another woman. Who I believe he messed with prior to meeting my sister but he has told her the girl is just delusional and jealous of her. The girl has been texting him saying she was gonna beat up my sister and the guy showed my sister the text, which I thought was messy. I listen and let her tell me about the guy but I can’t help but to make certain facial expressions that disapprove of the guy as she tells me these things because I see them as red flags but my red flags may not be hers but even so, any sane person would see a guy like that as trouble. Every date he’s planned, he canceled the last excuse was that he had recently got into it with his baby moms and didn’t want to be bothered. The other excuse was that his son was sick. One excuse was that he slept in too late. She feels I’m just being negative and judge mental. Mind you, I have a one year old by a guy who was physically abusive, more than likely would have abused my son had I stayed with him. I went back to him for years. I believed that no one could judge him and have an opinion on him because they didn’t “know” him like I did. That they couldn’t “Judge” me either because it was my relationship when they were never judging but only seeing what I allowed myself to be blinded too. That’s how I’m seeing this situation with my sister. Without the abuse. She has made herself believe that whatever red flags it could be, that it doesn’t matter because she doesn’t “care” because he isn’t “her man” and she isn’t dating him yet she calls him her man and talks about him 24/7. She asked for my opinion and then blew up at me and called me judge-mental.
Why does she feel as though I’m judging her rather than trying to help her see what I’m seeing?
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It's strange how often people ask our opinion and then get all worked up when we don't say what they want us to say.
The problem I see is you gave your opinion rather than assisted her to expand her perspective and see things more clearly. It's more effective to ask her how his words and actions have impacted her and how she feels about it. Let her come to the conclusion rather than spoon-feed her the answer. Ask her how she'd feel if her daughter was involved in a similar situation. Unfortunately, after already sharing your perspective, she'll feel you're just attempting to maneuver her to come up with the conclusion you've already stated. Always start by facilitating the other person's exploration and discovery rather than sharing your own perspective.
She’s not dating him yet, do let her get on with it. If she really likes him, no amount of advice will stop her going ahead with it.
As for him, you’re right. He’s no good. He sounds like he’s looking for an easy way to escape his current partner. She’s obviously crazy and won’t let him leave.
People tend to feel judged when they know they're doing something dumb.