Do couples in large age gaps ever worry about the future of their marriages?

[Anonymous]

In 20 years , by the time you hit your 40s, you find yourself married to a senior citizen in their 60s. Changing their diapers, escorting them to and from doctor appointments, reminding them to take their pills because they might have memory loss, too old to fulfill you sexually, dont have the energy to keep up with you, can no longer keep up with your pace walking in the park, might have to use a cane, can no longer join any active hobbies with you. When you want to stay up late at night, they want to go to bed early. Struggle to keep up with the demands of parenting because they just dont have the energy to keep up.

Do you ever worry about the consequences of aging onto your marriage? How are you going to both age gracefully with such huge mismatches?

[molonski2]

You have a very skewed view of the 60s bracket , maybe in USA I dont know..

So let me tell you this , I have 2 ex partners , one is 30 now with leukemia ( she has 2 children ) , I'm extremely concerned for her as it will affect her life , I have 2 others , one I was with when she was 30 , she is now 47 , and we are close always , she has Cancer of the cervix , I have another ex with 2 children , looks stunning , same as No 2 ..

Yet 2 weeks ago I ran the local marathon , and frankly I'm fitter than all of them and many others , So do I worry? Yes , I do worry , why are these young people at risk? Some is just bad luck for sure.. but this generation , just does not have the diet , exercise regime , even if they look good their fitness is beyond fcked.

You can't just eat sht food , and assume that taking antibiotics is the NORM , its not , if you are an overweight lazy fck , thats what you are at any age , there is no excuse for incorrect weight , I'm fitter and will outlive them all , and I'm 63 years old currently.

The women Id go out with , would be ideally 40 plus , but if beyond that they need to be super fit , and healthy.

[Asker]

you're deluding yourself if you think a 30 yr old has more chance of dying than a 60 yr old

[molonski2]

If they are not as healthy as me , and they rarely are , they have a far greater chance of dieing , especially if consuming process foods , and processed carbohydrates , I will live another 40 years.
I dont want them to die , but thats what will happen with poor diet and little exercise.

[MrDaveAPSI]

My mom has a friend, who's married to a man 20 years older than her. However, he's basically on his deathbed, now

[Asker]

And she's caring for a sick elderly man while she could be going on vacation, hiking, actively raising kids, enjoying her retirement years with her husband. Not only that, spending the remaining 20 to 35 years of her life dying alone

[TheRealPepperPotts]

My late husband was 10 years older than me. He died of cancer at 39. He was worried that he was too old for me, but I didn't think twice about it. Caring for him was my labor of love.

From my perspective, the biggest issue with age gaps is when you are in two completely different generations. It can add an extra level of difficulty when you are not only dealing with life challenges, but also two different frames of reference. Not impossible, but challenging.

As for health issues or accidents, we really have no control over that. The younger spouse could very well end up becoming bedridden with an autoimmune disease, or dying of cancer, or be injured in an accident of some kind. It happens more often than you might think, actually.

[Asker]

10 years apart is big but I was specifically referring to couples that are more than 10 years apart

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I see. I personally wouldn't worry about the kinds of things that you mentioned. My reason is because, again, illness and accidents could totally happen to a younger spouse just as easily as it could happen to an older one. We just can't control how life plays out. I was the younger spouse, but I have an autoimmune disease and was bedridden for about a year when I was first diagnosed. It's in remission and I know how to manage it now, but life throws so many curveballs it's just impossible to really predict.

[Asker]

you're much more likely to be a nurse to an elderly spouse than a spouse around your age. Accidents are uncommon

[TheRealPepperPotts]

What brought you to that conclusion?

[Asker]

www.cnbc.com/.../...average-and-how-to-fix-it.html

[Asker]

@therealpepperpotts

because people are more likely to die of old age than accidents.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Do you want to dialogue about it, or would you like me to listen?

[Asker]

@therealpepperpotts

just sounds like you have something against everything that I have to say

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I think you have a reason for why you hold so tightly to your opinion, and I like to try to understand that, rather than just make assumptions about you as a person. You come off as very certain of your position, and if that's an unchangeable stance you plan to maintain, that's perfectly OK. You did ask a question to a varied group of people, and not everyone will completely agree with you, which is also perfectly OK. I gave some reasons in my opinion, based on my experiences. I personally don't think it's quite as black and white as you present it. We can agree to disagree, but I'd rather make an effort to get a clear picture.

[Caroline91]

@TheRealPepperPotts Do you realize how patient and kind you are?

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Thanks for the MHO! :)

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@Caroline91 Thanks for saying that. I really try to be!

[Apple1996]

I have to imagine that they think about it. Unless they just aren't planning their future. Even with me and my husband being the same age I know he's gonna die sooner and that creates a bit of stress. If there was a huge age gap I'd be stressing like crazy.

[Finchie40]

Everyone worries about something , but when you meet someone that loves you like you love them that’s all that matters , Age shouldn’t determine who you love and not to love , Anyone of us could die tomorrow , no matter what age you are , so holding age as a deciding factor , is kind of dumb if you think about it , especially when you meet someone that has great chemistry and connection with you

[Asker]

If chemistry was the only thing that sustained marriages, there wouldn't be so many divorces

[Finchie40]

Marriages end because of selfishness

[Asker]

@finchie40

we are all selfish to a certain extent, truth is... some people are humble enough to admit it. while you aren't.

[Caroline91]

Hey, that's kind of unnecessary... and certainly doesn't sound like someone who is humble. @Finchie40 is making some good points. My. husband is 15 years older than I am and we have now been married 10 years, with 2 little kids. At this point, I'm 32 and he is 47. There are so many advantages to having married a man who was mature and already established from the start. The only thing I am sad about is that I will most likely end up living a good number of years of my life without him. I know I will never marry another man bc he is it for me. In my mind, commitment is what keeps a marriage together through the rough patches. And commitment is very much the opposite of selfishness. Just sayin''

[Finchie40]

Exactly , commitment is a choice , 2 people choosing each other , and staying loyal and faithful to each other. If you can’t do that for your partner? They more than likely will not do it for you , it has to go both ways for any relationship to work. Age is just a number for the most part

[Asker]

@Caroline91

Come back when he is 60 and you're 45. Lets see how happy you would be to be married to someone who can't sexually fulfill you, can't vacation well with you, can no longer protect you, no longer provide.

Maturity turns to senile , forgetfulness, and erectile dysfunction

Trust me, you will see what i am talking about in just 10 years.

[Asker]

@finchie40

If you dont want to marry a 60 yr old woman, what makes you think your young wife would want to stay married to you by the time you turn 60?

[Finchie40]

The same reason I would stay married to her , because we have chemistry and connection and love for each other , I choose her the same way I want her to choose me

[Caroline91]

There is no getting through to you that not everyone thinks the way you do. You are anchored in purely physical concerns. And your inability to respect the person I am and my more than physical relationship with my husband borders on insulting. Until you are in a relationship where you love that man more than life itself, please stop telling how I will feel about this amazing man I am married to and have children with in the future. Go find your own relationship with a stud your own age and I wish you every happiness. I wish you only the best. Peace out.

[Asker]

@finchie40

you would stay married to her, but she wouldn't be happy staying married to you.

[Asker]

@Caroline91

I'm not trying to be insulting. Just trying to be truthful. And if the truth about aging offends you, then its best that you peace out.

[Finchie40]

Then that would make her a selfish person , and a liar by only wanting things her way , if someone can’t give to you the same way you give to them? That person is selfish , my advice to everyone is to not pursue a relationship with anyone , if you can’t remove selfishness from within yourself or for your partner , You should be choosing someone the same way you want them choosing you , no matter what the age gap is? . I have dated younger girls’ that i had these conversations with , before committing to each other , Pretty much asking her what she is really looking for with me? Some of them just wanted sex and to have fun , and some of them wanted a long term relationship , that told me the age gap meant nothing to them as well. Whether she was lying to me or telling the truth? That was her decision. Me on other other hand chose to be honest with her , before taking the relationship seriously. Because I take commitment seriously , I will not commit to a girl that can not commit to me the same way she wants me committing to her period. If she wants to lie and string me along for her selfish desires that’s on her , basically thanks for a good time but not a long time. Why I no longer jump into committed relationships with girls’ period , Most people just say what they think the other person wants to hear to get their way , but when push comes to shove? they might change their minds about what they really wanted in the first place. Making them a selfish person. We can’t read each others minds and we don’t know what someone’s true intentions are , why it’s best not to commit to someone until you both really get to know each other. Honesty is the key to having a long lasting relationship with someone , if you can not be honest? It will just be a matter of time before your lies catch up to you

[ArrowheadSW]

Actually I was talking to someone last week, and he is 69 and his wife is 39. They have an 11 year old and a 14 year old child. He married outside of his culture, and in the culture where his wife is from, the 30 year age gap isn't that unusual. However, he did express that he IS a bit worried about the future of his marriage. He mentioned alternatives in the living arrangement in case the marriage doesn't work out in the long run, and he has been married for 17 years.

[Asker]

I can promise that marriage is not made of love but rather a financial arrangement. He is worried because his wife wouldn't have a way to support herself at all once he dies.

[ArrowheadSW]

Well he did express that there was deep love for her at first. Whether or not she felt that on her side of the relationship, I don't know. But at the end of the day, like you say, it is probably more of a financial arrangement. She does have some job skills and has no problem working! She isn't the type to sit at home watching TV.

[LazerBean]

I doubt it. If you actually love the person despite the large age gap, then they probably start worrying it about it eventually once they realize that their partner is going to die significantly sooner than them. But they probably won't worry about it much until they get to that point. And then in cases where they get married for sex/money then they don't worry about it because they don't care to begin with.

[Asker]

You can stay with someone because you love them but it DOES NOT mean you're happy. You can settle for a subpar marriage where there is no sex life, can't do any active hobbies with your spouse, raise kids with someone who has nothing to contribute.

[LazerBean]

Oh yeah, don't really see what that has to do with anything though.

[Asker]

@lazerbean

Cuz you're in denial

[Asker]

At some point, you would feel more like a nurse than a wife.

[LazerBean]

Oh yeah but that's not what your question was lmao

[Asker]

@lazerbean

you're not gonna find many people who will stay in a marriage which makes them unhappy.

[LazerBean]

That wasn't your question though

[Asker]

that was the question.

[Caroline91]

I’m curious…are you speaking from experience perhaps?

[Asker]

@Caroline91

Does it take experience to know what will happen as you get older?

[LazerBean]

@Caroline91 yes actually. We know a lot of couples where it's Asians married to men 2-40+ years older than them, and most of them are just using eachother so they are not worried about the age thing.

[LazerBean]

*20-40+

[Caroline91]

Well, that's the thing... you don't know what will happen. I very well may have 30-40 good years with my husband. People in both his family and mine tend to stay very healthy late in life and live between 80-95 years old. Do you know, in fact, that there are plenty of people in their 70s and even into the 80s who are sexually active? No, it's not the same as when you are younger perhaps physically, but the emotional and spiritual content is still there, as well as a different level of physical satisfaction. Also, if a couple practices tantric sex, their sex life together can last until late in life and be very satisfying. And, yes, experience does at least effect the way we view things and how we understand things. In my marriage, the 15 year age difference is a very positive thing for us and he is my forever partner. When a couple has that, age is immaterial... and I AM speaking from experience. Thanks for posing the question bc it has led to an interesting and open discussion.

[Caroline91]

@LazerBean Hey, it was the Asker asking me if it takes experience to know what will happen as you get older, though it does appear that I'm the one posing that question. I'm in a marriage with and older man and am supporting the idea that it can be a good thing for the couple...

[Asker]

@Caroline91

you can have sex with a spouse in their 70s-80s with cane and wheel chair and all (only if they can, there are plenty who want to have sex but can't). but at the end of the day, would you want be sexually satisfied having sex with someone that age? would you want to have sex with someone that age?

[Asker]

@Caroline91

you would be escorting your spouse to and from doctor appointments, making sure they are carrying the right size cane, making sure they don't fall while they walk with you in the park, maybe changing his diapers, making sure he takes his pills. Your husband can no longer hike with you. When you want to go out and be active, your husband wants to stay home. When you want to stay up late, he wants to go to bed early. Not only this, you will be spending the remaining 20-35 years of your life dying all alone.

meanwhile, other women your age in their 40-50s are having sex, going on vacations to other countries, going to events , running around having fun with the kids, participating in school activities with the kids, enjoying their retirement years together.

you can stay married to someone you can no longer have fun with, but it really doesn't mean you're happy

[Caroline91]

Well, as you are really set on your opinion, make sure you don't marry an older man. As for me, I know what I have and he will still be the same person who I have fun with and am happy with when he is 80 and I am 65. Why do you seem to think
chronically older in years = discrepancy? It really does depend on the person, their genetics, how well they have taken care of themselves and, to some degree, luck. You are completely omitting the impact of emotional and spiritual connection between a man and a woman. If you really don't get "soul mate", I can't help you... In the context of eternity, this life isn't even a single breath.

[Asker]

@Caroline91

how often do you see a man in his 60-70s hiking, being active, having sex?
its rather uncommon
most people lack energy and are looking to retire by the time they enter their 50s.

[Asker]

@Caroline91

you won't even need to wait till you're 65 to feel the effects of age mismatch. You will start seeing it by the time you're 50 and he's 65. Then it only gets worse by the time you're 55 and he is 70.

[LazerBean]

@Caroline91 ah I gotcha. Yeah that's why I said what I did in my initial answer. If someone marries for love, they aren't going to worry about something like that much because they are focused on loving their partner. And if someone marries for usage, then they aren't worried about it anyway. Either way, there isn't going to be much worried. I don't know why the OP is so triggered lol

[Asker]

@lazerbean

Just because you love your partner, it doesn't mean you are having a fulfilling marriage. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed... not just to go through the motions.

[Asker]

@lazerbean

You gotta understand that by that age, your golden years of the marriage are over. You're sitting there reminiscing about the good times from the past. You're no longer enjoy yourself or living your best life.

[Caroline91]

@LazerBean Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. There's so much more when you love your partner. And, I think it is absurd for anyone to think they know what will or will not make another person happy.

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

I think it's up to the couples.

2 examples. I knew an age gap couple. He was older by 20 years. They always joked about her living longer except, she got an aggressive form of cancer and died at 30.

My wife and I were a year apart. We thought we had all the time in the world until a drunk driver took her in 2002.

Basically. if your happy, run with it. No one can tell how long it will last or who or what will happen.

[SeriouslyNotSerious]

I guess I'm just simple. Grew up seeing my grandparents do that, I'd love to take care of my man someday.

[Asker]

You rather be escorting your spouse to doctor appointments than to go on vacations and raising kids with your husband?

[anon1903]

They don't. That's the funny thing.

Girls in their twenties dating fortysomething men never think it through. They never consider what happens when the older hunks with stable income are no longer that... Efficient

[BonzoInBitburg]

My wife is 20 years younger and other than having to save and invest enough for her so that she has enough income for 25 years after I die, we don't really think about it. Her parents have a big age gap so it's totally normal for her.

[dustybiker2]

You're describing someone in their 80's not 60's. lol

[Asker]

Most people dont live till their 80s

[dustybiker2]

On your island?

[Asker]

According to US data

[dustybiker2]

Hearsay.

[Asker]

www.cnbc.com/.../...average-and-how-to-fix-it.html

[Caroline91]

@dustybiker2 I love you, even if I am cis!!

[dustybiker2]

@asker... whoa. I was an entire year off on a random news link woman's age ref. My bad. How accurate are news stories? Not very. I thought you were going to link the cdc or something good. You know, accurate.

@Caroline91 🥂🕶️

[Caroline91]

@dustybiker2 Yesss. Thank you, ma'am!!

[DarkLegacy]

No more then any other couple to be honest. My parents were in a large age gap, like 30 years, it counts for nothing. If they truly love each other then it matters not

[Asker]

You can stay married to a grandma but not be happy

[skyman5000x]

I don't do age gaps bigger then 12-15 years so not a issues for me. If you are 60 with health issues just means you didn't take care of yourself at a young age

[Asker]

Often times what happens to you at elderly age is based on your genes.

[skyman5000x]

Could be the case but very rare

[Asker]

No, a large part of your life span is mostly determined by your genes. Some people can take very good care of their health yet still only live till their 70s. While others who never took care of their health live till their 90s

Taking care of your health is no guarantee that you will live till your 80s to 90s

[skyman5000x]

Makes it more likely that almost everyone I know who's lived along age took really good care of themselves. Almost everyone I knew who died young treated their bodies like shit

[Asker]

@skyman5000x

Define old age. 70s? Or 80?

Because if you want to reach 80s to 90s, it usually requires genes of longevity.

Most people die in their 70s

[skyman5000x]

80-90s, I know someone who's 93. She never had so much as one tooth pulled, perfect blood pressure, never eats junk food. I disagree the people who are in their 70s who are dying are mostly very unhealthy people

[Asker]

@skyman5000x

Healthy really doesn't mean long life. Princess catherine of england has always lived an active lifestyle and now has cancer

[skyman5000x]

That's very true

[Asker]

@skyman5000x

my aunt lived an extremely healthy life. she got breast cancer at the age of 60. Then she got cancer again at 66. She died at 71

[jahaims]

I get the point of this post but most people aren't wearing diapers in their 60s lol

[Asker]

more than you think. A lot of these 60 yr olds have home health aides to clean their butts.

[LiamJHayden]

I would rather spend a few years of mutual adoration than a lifetime of mediocrity.

[Asker]

so you'd rather have a few years of fun then spend the rest of your life dying alone with nobody to be there for you?

[LiamJHayden]

I have plenty of friends, so I'm never alone.

[LiamJHayden]

Also she could be my age and die, so there is no guaranty either way.

[Asker]

spousal death is really not the top reason why couples aren't together anymore. divorce is.

[FuqUFggt]

The only reason to consider such s match up I'd wealth. Ol boys wealth makes all the problems go away. Non woman would bother otherwise. Ever. Point blank period.

[Kimberly1979]

I don’t think about it. I’m dating a guy that’s 17 years younger than me. Doing great so far.

[Vegasrunner]

I think this is the main reason most men decide to marry women much younger than them.

[boobliker]

I never have as a younger model will come along anytime now.

[DreamLife7]

Ask them

[Anonymous]

Nope