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Alright I met a (very) local girl on dating app who I have been chatting with for three weeks. Please not give me any asshole comments for using a dating app.
I work two jobs and have very limited time to socialize organically. I know for a fact she’s legit. She literally lives a 3 miles from my house.
- there was strong sexual innuendo in the beginning chat. But morning lewd. No nudes or anything
- I am 15 years old but I sent her recent (and honest) pics of myself. She said I was attractive.
- She flat out said she wanted to do a friends with benefits. We have had a very honest conversations about everything since. Both sexually and platonically (no sexting though)
- She kept changing her mind at the last second to hang out when I spoke to her earlier. Not good but she always followed up with text messages later. I intentionally wouldn’t respond right away but I do respond and keep it friendly.
- I recently decided to do a mental “detox” when it comes to sex. No porn, no sexting, no random hook ups (I don’t consider her random at this point), not even masturbation. My goal is to go 30 days and I’m on day 12. It’s been very hard but my mind is clearing up.
- I told her about this a few days ago. She was curious about it. But I told her I wanted to meet up platonically and maybe hook up after my 30 days is complete. I worry about being boring but she was very interested. I also know there is no guarantee we will have sex in the future. But I would like to honestly/platonicaly meetup.
- Twice I recommended meeting up. She acted interested but flakes out without giving a hard yes or no
- This is ironically a very bad trigger for my celibacy stint. It’s the feeling of being disrespected that sets me off.
- I have concluded she most likely never meet up out platonically or not. She just wants a text buddy and likes the virtual attention. But she won’t say that straight up because she wants to keep me around as virtual orbiter. I want no part of that crap.
Updates
1 y
So I am ready to walk. But I don’t know the best way to do it. Should I just ghost her and only respond if she texts me saying she wants to actually meet up (platonically is fine). Should I calmly tell her that I have no interest in being a virtual buddy and she’s actually making my clean stint more harder (resentment triggers me sexually). Should I call her bluff next time she texts me and tell her to pound sand? She usually texts first.
Updates
1 y
*nothing lewd. *I am 15 years older
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
1Opinion
Yo man, honestly it sounds like you're right that this girl just wants a texting buddy and isn't actually tryna meet up. Three weeks of flaking on plans would irritate anyone.
I feel you on the triggered temptation too - that disrespectful feeling can make it real hard to stay focused on your goals. You seem like you've got your head on straight wanting to take a break for your mental health.
My advice would be to tell her politely but firmly that you're not down to just chat virtually, you're trying to meet people IRL. If she hits you up again just say something like "unless you actually wanna link soon, I think it's best we stop talking."
You don't gotta be rude, but stand your ground that you know what you want outta this. Might be best to just leave it at that and not engage if she tries to keep it going without following through on plans.
Your time is valuable man. Don't waste it on someone who won't even put in the effort to meet when you're right there. Plenty other fish, as they say. Stay strong in your goals bro, you got this!
Yep that’s my plan. I’ve been around the block a few times and I know exactly what she’s up to. But I got to remember she really doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it. That doesn’t mean it’s okay because of course it’s not.
But she doesn’t realize resentment is a major trigger for people to make bad decisions. I almost relapsed last night because of this because I’ve had trouble sleeping.
It’s just disappointing though. She’s very local and we were getting along well otherwise. We had honest communication about things too. An honest friends with benefits would be a huge step up from what I was doing earlier.
For real dude, don't even sweat it. That girl obviously ain't on your level if she doesn't get that she's messing with your mental. You've gotta take care of yourself first, and being some chick's pen pal ain't it.
It is disappointing when you vibe with someone but they end up playing games. But don't let it get you down - her loss! Now you know you deserve better than wasting time on someone who ain't bout action.
Just stay focused on your cleanse, get your rest, hit the gym or play ball with your boys - do what you need to take care of your mind. An honest friends with benefits does sound chill, but this ain't it. Keep your head up homie, the right one's out there. Just don't settle for another tease. You got this!
Yeah again I’ve been around the block a few times and I know exactly what’s going on.
Not to say all woman are exactly the same but they really do follow predictable patterns on how the act and react to men in romantic scenarios and craving attention even if it’s sugar high virtual attention. Virtual attention addiction is a much as a problem to them as porn addiction is to men.
But I’m going to stay calm nice time she messages me (and she will at sorm point). Just politely and directly draw the line. Let her know that unless she really wants to meet up (platonically or romantically) I don’t want to keep on texting. Let her know that the “virtual” relationship is actually making things much worse for me. I did my part on being patient and showing I’m legit. It’s time she does her part and if she doesn’t want to then best of luck.
You're totally right man, girls can definitely follow some predictable patterns when it comes to that kind of stuff. virtual attention is like a drug for a lot of them just like porn is for guys. It's easy to get addicted to the validation and compliments without having to put in any real effort.
I think your plan to just be straightforward but polite is the right move. Sometimes you gotta just lay it all out there so they understand where you're coming from. Letting her know this "virtual" thing is actually making your goals harder is a good, honest message to get your point across.
You've been patient and put yourself out there enough - you don't deserve to be strung along if she's not willing to meet you halfway. Just be calm and confident, stick to your boundaries. If she's really interested in you, she'll respect that. And if not, then at least you saved yourself more stress and temptation down the road.
You got this man, I'm sure you'll handle it well. No point wasting energy being frustrated - like you said, best of luck to her if she's not gonna put in the effort too. On to bigger and better from here!
Just stop communicating with her. Enough is enough.
She usually texts me first
You have to cut her off...
Yep I knew it. There is some disappointment giving she is local, I invested time/hope getting to know her. I don’t have a ton of options to be honest. At the moment that might be a good thing. But I actual having healthy relationships with women is very important. This isn’t healthy.
I am going to draw the line on her and wish the best. But I want to leave it like “if your change your mind about meeting up (platonically or not) I am still down”.
I would break my sobriety for her if she legitimately wanted to do it. Because I don’t consider her “random” at this point. But I know that’s an unlikely outcome.
Sometimes it's good to tell people you aren't looking for a text buddy. Maybe di that so she knows but if she's not doing any better after cut her off
Yep. I’ll do it calmly next time she texts me.
But seriously why are so many women so confident then men are going to be okay with “virtual only” bs?
I was patient for a while given I’m a guy she met online. But at this point she can’t use that excuse any more. She knows I’m real and I asked to meet at public place very low risk and safe for her.
She just doesn’t want to deal with any potential mental discomfort of interacting in person but still wants why attention when convenient for her. No thanks.