How do you balance your dominance and submissiveness?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am sometimes so assertive, confident and dominant, and even aggressive that I feel like I am two people.

And another version of mine is totally opposite, much more submissive, playful, gentle, caring, receptive and feminine.

It’s confusing.

It’s especially confusing when I am dating someone, because one day I am different, another day I am different.

And both of them feel equally authentic and equally ME.

Mainly I can be same in the same dynamic, however, what creates a problem is when something makes me feel emotionally unsafe. If I feel unsafe, I get back to my more assertive self and shut off another part of mine.

I think my assertive personality emerged as a way to protect myself in childhood, from lots of adversities I’ve been through. And then I maintained that because it worked and I thrived with that.

But my 2nd personality, I believe is my inherent personality, which I am trying to not show, because it makes me feel like I am returning in childhood, I am hiding in my room back at home, hurt and heartbroken, and make sure nobody sees my tears. Then my brother comes in and he hugs me and I cry, hugging him. I think my brother saved that 2nd personality of mine, because he gave me the freedom of expressing it at least with one more person - I trusted him deeply.

To be honest, while my first part is very helpful, I like the 2nd one much more, as I think it is the real me, if you peel of the trauma I’ve been through. This might also be confusing for a partner, who might be accustomed to me having one dynamic only to suddenly change to the total opposite temporarily.

So how do you balance those?

Updates

1 y

I had a partner of almost 4 years who fell in love with me because he thought I was the 1st one and then slowly found out my 2nd part and was less impressed with that dynamic.

I was also involved with someone who got to know my 2nd personality, because he was amazing and made me feel emotionally safe, only to make a mistake that would withdraw me and cause me to become more assertive, after which we no longer matched that well. Because I no longer felt safe to show my 2nd side that he fell for

[RavVid]

I guess a split personalty (sounds somewhat split!) is difficult to deal with. If one girlfriend had a bad day, I knew about it that night! If I had something wrong than I could understand anger directed toward me.

But somebody else or some organization causing anger toward me was quite a different matter. The frustrating part was she wouldn't even acknowledge she was angry from work let alone admit she visiting it on me.

I am viewing what you are saying in my experience above which might far from you. Not implying it is but only discussing a swing from a partners view.

I know you are saying assertive but a lot of people confuse aggressive with assertive.

I'd suggest make sure you know and practice assertiveness not aggressiveness. I was going out with a submissive girl who would never say what she would like to do. It was a lot of work! We all want some assertiveness - I don't think there is ever a problem with assertiveness. It is just stating your opinion whist being respectful of your partner's.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

It’s not a split personality. It’s just I withdraw when I don’t feel safe. I am stably same when there is the same and the safe dynamic for me. As for my assertive personality, It has been very helpful for me and I’d be lost without being who I am. So I am grateful that’s who I am. Just in romantic relationships, I switch according to my feelings, which is not all that rare I think.

[RavVid]

I was teasing with the split personality quip as that has only ever been a literary device and never real psychology. But kinda serious in that, as you say, confusing to a partner, to have a new dynamic instead of the usual.

I think assertiveness is the place to center on. Nether Dominance or Submissive is good in a relationship

[Wolf_Thunderspirit]

Want a true answer? It doesn't matter.

Both are you, you need to integrate them and stop thinking of them externally. Situations arise where you will be one or the other, but none of that matters if you can't identify yourself as one whole being.

And that's all you or anyone else wants and deserves - one whole being.

Be yourself, whatever that is and how you define it. Being either of these things and not identifying it with yourself is cheating yourself and others of the real you. And no one likes a switcheroo later on, when the real you emerges. Not that there is anything wrong with the real you. It's just not appropriate to be something else for a period of time and then finally settle into your true self, whoever is around you WILL notice the change and will likely not like the previous personality as a deception, a mask, a fake personality. They may actually like the real you, but not liked being toyed with previously. Often you'll get accused with 'playing games'.

Just define and be you in all situations. Allow yourself to be you without expectations or considerations on how you will be received. Being yourself lets others know on what they can rely on when you aren't 'putting on airs'. It lets them decide whether that is something they want in their circle or not; the same way you decide if you want fake people in your circle or not. I'll bet you prefer honest, true people too, and a variety of them. You got your shy timid friends and your brash and bold ones. Ask yourself if those are acts tho?

Just be yourself.

[provokeesmokee]

I am a switch. I'm also someone who, outside kink, values power balance and just balance and wholeness in general.

Dominance and submissiveness are two sides of the same coin. Doing both is, as a role model of mine says, alchemy.

Both my dom and sub sides are me. They inform the flavour of how I interact with my loved ones - and even strangers. I've used aspects of both dom and sub together in both kink and even professional settings.

Ever had a small young thing compliment you as you enter the sales floor or office? Get you coffee, sit you down, make you feel big and important?

Yeah, that's my dom/sub working together in a professional setting to get you to lower your guard for the next person we send to join that table. Likewise even when dealing with a "dominant" personality, sometimes all it takes is a carefully worded reply to shake their foundation.

I am at my best inhabiting and commanding all my tools. Masculinity, feminitinity. Submissiveness, dominance.

Switchcraft is alchemy. Delicious alchemy.

[mandyfire98]

I just keep it to the bedroom really. With men I'm submissive in bed, woth women I'm dominant usually.

Outside of the bedroom. I'm wayyy more fluid. I usually am just neither dominant or submissive really.

[MasseurDeMojo]

Everyone has two sides. For those of us who are comfortable in our own skin and confident in who we are; we will show both sides readily with a partner whom we both know and trust.

When you show someone your other side, and they draw back, that is a show that they may not be confident in themselves and their ability to work with you in that mode of who you are. A person who is equally confident as you will gladly embrace both side of you, and enjoy the dynamics that it brings to the relationship. They will reign you in when they desire you to be the other way, and they have total control.

You shod always take things slow, and get to know someone well before introducing your other side, to make sure they are comfortable with you in all aspects.

[NathanDavis]

my assertiveness and confidence is just natural, it is not something I do actively "keep on" it's just the way I turned out, but yes... there's a balance as well, but I do not see it as being "dominant and/or submissive" and the balance comes from also being agreeable, reasonable... and someone that's open to perspective and experiencing too

and I can also be very accommodating and eager to please, that's for sure... the balance though is in, being genuine about it and not compromising your integrity nor happiness just to be a pleaser, lol

[SotiCoto]

I think this is the part where people would strongly recommend a therapist.

I'm not people though...
So I recommend you take that 2nd personality, the one you believe is the genuine one... take it out back and shoot it in the head.
That 2nd personality is weakness and laziness. It is the desire to simply have things done for you while you just ride it like a boat floating down a river. It is slovenliness and sloth. You might believe you crave it, but the world isn't kind enough to let you live that way.

[BetaBucks]

I don't even pay attention to the concept. I really don't care enough. But when I notice someone trying to assert dominance over me, it's so cheesy that I have to punk them. Like, I would never do that to someone, so it's kind of hilarious when someone does it to me.

[on_my_knees]

I'm dominant when Mistress allows me to be, otherwise I'll be punished. Punishments, whether physical or mental, are not taken lightly by me. They serve as a reminder of my shortcomings and push me to strive for perfection in serving You. The collar I wear, be it in private or public, symbolizes both my submission and my commitment to improve. When I fail to meet Your expectations, the my deeply red ass acts as a catalyst for self-reflection and growth.

[Grond21]

This is a CLASSIC example of a woman operating based on how safe she feels. It is completely understandable, and I hope you find a man who makes you feel 100% safe, and also supports your ambitions

[Twalli]

A lot of people repeatedly those two. Like a high powered female CEO will be an alpha powerful woman at work. As soon as she gets home to her guy she's submissive to him. So she's powerful and confident when she's in public, but submissive and docile in private.

[MicahRaine]

I just evaluate which will be most beneficial for me and those around me and then go off of that.

Sometimes a leader has to take a step back in order to let their team grow and become more efficient through that process and type of learning

[DevikaButts95]

For me, I just don't really feel very submissive unless it's with a woman who is much older than me.
So I guess, not very well.

[Billlewis]

I'm more assertive during the day, but when the sun sets, she runs the show in its entirety.

[dragoblack]

Usually i take things slow and communicate with the one i am having sex with. Its good to test the levels and limits. Each partner is different.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am not necessarily talking about dominance in sex… I am talking about personality dynamics.

[dragoblack]

Oh. Communication is still the answer, along with compromise.

[Bklynbadboy12]

You don't your either one or the other you can't be both

[Danny_dan92]

Via getting to know the girl

[Emmytexrex]

Lol you can't actually balance it

[BarryLiverstone]

With humility