Should I Try To Become More Dominant, or Stay Submissive?

[Anonymous]

I believe this is self-explanatory. I'm a man who's a Sub (Submissive) in relationships, mostly non-sexually. Sexually, I can be dominant, but that's rare.

The thing is, I am well aware that to most women, submissiveness is a turn-off. Most women want dominant men, or at least men who wants an equal relationship. I also see comments and posts from men online (especially older ones) that as a man, I should be dominant. And I'm not one of those SJWs who believe that gender is a social construct. I know that on average, men are larger and stronger than women, not to mention more logically driven. And for those reasons, men's jobs throughout history have been to provide, protect, and lead. Knowing all this has caused me to become insecure about what I am.

So I have been dealing with this crisis for a while. I don't know whether to stay submissive, or try to make myself a more masculine and dominant man (I'm not effeminate, just unathletic, artistic, and passive). Especially considering that almost all of the women who want dominant/equal men are usually pretty feminine/girly, which doesn't do it for me.

For me, the ideal woman is a masculine one, basically a sporty tomboy or a warrior woman.(That means NO androgynous/butches/studs). Athletic or muscular body, can fight well, is assertive/aggressive, dominant, competitive, can hunt/fish, etc.

I truly do want to get into a good relationship one day, maybe even have a family of my own. But it seems like if I don't try to stop being a Sub, that will never happen. I know that being more masculine and at least wanting an equal relationship will give me WAY more options when it comes to women--but they won't be the women I find attractive. So what do I do? Try to become more masculine and dominant, or stay a Sub?

Updates

+1 y

EDIT: I realize that my preference sounded really specific. Basically, to me, traditionally masculine traits in women are attractive. Most of the time, it's sporty tomboys that pique my interest, since they tend to have several masculine traits--strong bodies from physical activity/exercise, competitiveness, a passion for sports/hunting, et cetera.

[John_Galt]

Well, I don’t think it’s necessary that you try to change who you are. “I think all people should evaluate who they are and who they want to be... then make the needed changes”. But nothing beyond that. You should be who you want to be. That might mean that you need to be more patient, while waiting for a romantic partner or spouse. But to be honest, you might be better off because of that... not worse off!

it sounds like if you changed who you are and then by doing so gained access to more girls... that it wouldn’t even be the type of girls you like! So that seems counter productive.

[boggboss]

Yet the preference in women you want is so specific I don't feel you will find that

[Asker]

Yeah, I guess I should have said I like traditionally masculine traits in women. Maybe I shoulda said that. I dunno.

[Asker]

I updated it to try and word my preferences better. How's this?

[Anonymous]

You too huh? Weird, there are at least four or five other guys on the GaG, who also said they prefer "a sporty tomboy or a warrior woman", but all of you are different age.
I don't think you should change who you are, if you really are like that.

[Asker]

Well, one commenter here said my preference sounded too specific (I said that butches/androgynous/studs were too masculine-looking for me). You sure that's not?

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, lol, the other guys also said they don't like butchy and androgynous girls and stuff like that.

[Asker]

Interesting. Can you link me me to their questions?

[Opinion Owner]

Their questions were asked about three or four years ago, I can't find them.

[Asker]

Well, good to see I'm not the only guy here who wants that.

[MzAsh]

If you’re looking for a more masculine woman that is dominant then it wouldn’t serve either of you if you also became more masculine and dominant. I say, stay the way you are or whichever way you are most comfortable.

[Asker]

Thanks. Also, ignoring the update--like, let's just assume I didn't put the update there. Would my preferences have sounded too specific and unrealistic?

[Asker]

And in case the "no andro/butches/studs" thing added to it, it's because that's my limit. There's a limit to how masculine a woman can be before I find it unattractive. I hope that's not weird.

[thehorriblesheikh]

I don't think there is a place for submissive men or dominant women in the world, because there is no such thing as a submissive man or a dominant woman. You are likely deficient in a neurotransmitter called serotonin, it plays a very strong role in social and sexual dominance, in males. I'd suggest you read about serotonin deficiency, see if you have the symptoms and let me know, so I can help you further.

[Asker]

I actually did look them up. I don't suffer from any of the symptoms. No depression, anxiety, sleep issues, muscle or chronic pain, panic attacks--nothing. And I strongly disagree with that first sentence.

I've seen male Subs who are masculine--muscular or stocky, bearded, tall--and female Doms who are feminine and short. I believe men are far more likely to be dominant and women are more likely to be submissive, but either being the complete opposite of that while not having hormonal problems is a possiblity.

[thehorriblesheikh]

There is a scientific explanation for this. Testosterone forces men to be dominant, and even the lowest levels of testosterone in men is significantly higher than the highest level of testosterone in women. It is not possible for women to be dominant, and for men to be submissive.

As for a serotonin deficiency, the signs and symptoms you mentioned aren't the only ones. Answer a few questions,

1. Are you more empathetic than most people?

2. Are you someone who is comfortable living a routine life?

3. How long can you last until you ejaculate (without edging)?

4. Do you have any homosexual tendencies?

5. Are you more turned on by sexual visual stimuli or kinky sexual scenarios?

[Asker]

No, yes (Although that's a symptom of my Aspergers' Syndrome), it depends based on my mood, no, and it's kind of both.

And how do you explain the men and women I mentioned? Again, they were manly men and feminine women.

[thehorriblesheikh]

There is the culprit, your asperger's syndrome. Doctors tend to prescribe SSRI's to deal with the symptoms of asperger's syndrome, and guess what SSRI's mainly increase? SEROTONIN.

I can only explain those men and women's behavior to someone with at least a bachelor's in psychology. Though, it is likely that serotonin is the culprit there as well.

[Asker]

And you think my Aspergers explains my taste in women as well?

[thehorriblesheikh]

It influences it and quite strongly, but not directly.

[Asker]

And according to your theories, what makes men prefer women who are masculine/tomboyish, physically active, and aggressive?

[thehorriblesheikh]

A lack of serotonin can make you behave submissively, which in turn makes others see you as weak, especially since you're a man and people expect men to be dominant. Years of likely unexplained hostility from others probably has had a strong effect on your psyche, compelling you to see yourself as subordinate or submissive (consciously or subconsciously), which can reduce serotonin levels.

You seeking the kind of women you seek is likely a coping method, it is a way to get approval from women, who play a very strong part in men seeing themselves as dominant or submissive. If and once you acquire high levels of approval from women, it should make you feel as if your social status has increased in society, which is known to increase serotonin levels.

In my opinion, your attraction to a certain type of women is your indirect way of seeking serotonin.

[Asker]

Well, that's not what happened to me.

But a few years ago, I did have an ex-girlfriend/BFF who was a bit of a tomboy, though she did have her girly moments. She could fight well, killed a rattlesnake to save her father, could be dominant at times, and she liked horror movies and violent video games. We had almost all of the same interests, so she was very easy to relate to. She was practically a guy to me.

[thehorriblesheikh]

I know friendships like that, I have had female friends who were kind of tomboys, I know one these days but she just dresses like a tomboy.

As for bad personal experiences that you believe you haven't had any, it is possible that you may not have a normal understanding of good and bad behavior. This is common with people who are on the spectrum, asperger's syndrome is on. I think ADHD, autism, and even antisocial personality disorder is on that spectrum.

[Anonymous]

I know plenty (and I mean PLENTY) of tomboyish women that love to dominate, so you're fine. Be whatever feels the most natural to you