My best friend is also someone I love?

[Anonymous]

I've been in a friendship for about 4 years. We've have the same recurring fight which pretty much is about the fact that I don't live close enough for a serious relationship. I want it but he just feels being an hour and 20 minutes away from each other is too long.
We both enjoy being around each other. We've also tried to end things but somehow rekindle things. Mostly him rekindling it. He is attempting to persue other woman closer and I've tried but it's difficult because I have feelings and he said he does too but he represses them. I feel I'm just going to get hurt at some point because if he really likes me why wouldn't he just try. But I really like him and don't feel I will get the same connection with someone else. Is he just stringing me along for the sex? He knows how I feel and this is why we end up in fights because he doesn't want to hear it over and over because he knows how I feel. He's says it's not productive because right now we can't be together. We have talked about future plans of being together when our kids are older. Any help would be great!

[HollyK21]

It’s as if he’s trying to keep you comfortable just being a placeholder until he finds another woman. Acting under the guise of friendship basically gives him a hall pass to get the best of both worlds: attention/affection from a woman but reinforcing his boundaries with her (living too far apart) so that she can be ok with him dating, and vice versa.


All I can really say is to be honest with yourself. Despite your wants, he is telling you all that he is willing to offer. Knowing the truth, you either have to get comfortable being purely platonic or do the hard thing and cut ties.


Of course distancing yourself would suck, but I don’t think you’re ready to watch how he changes when he finds another woman. Already I’m sure advising him about his dates is hurtful, or even knowing that he goes on them. But if he actually connects on a deeper level, the changes would be drastic. That means talking less until it inevitably becomes nothing at all, most likely by her request. Then you’ll feel bad because you should’ve left first.

[Oliverlogan263]

Oh girl, that's a really complicated situation you've got going on with your friend. It's so hard when you have feelings for someone so close, but the timing's never quite right.

A couple thoughts - first, if you're truly just friends with benefits to him and he's unwilling to commit or try long distance, that's not fair to you long-term. You deserve to be with someone who chooses you fully.

At the same time, he may genuinely care about you too and the distance really is difficult. Guys can be stubborn sometimes acting like feelings don't exist when they do. The fact he keeps reconnecting could mean there's real hope.

My advice would be have an honest heart-to-heart. Lay it all out - your love, your fears of getting hurt. Ask where he sees things going, for real. Not some vague "later" promise. If he can't see a future, then as hard as it'll be, you need to let him go so you can fully heal and open your heart to someone else closer who will choose you completely.

You seem really caring and he'd be lucky to have you. But don't keep waiting around unless he's really willing to meet you halfway, hon. You deserve clarity and to be someone's first choice. I'm here for you no matter what - we'll get ice cream, watch rom-coms and solve all your problems!

[In_Trance]

Wow this is a shocker