Why do guys try harder with the next girl?

[Anonymous]

He basically messaged me all day everyday for like 5 months. I wanted a phone call and a visit (we would. br LDR because we lived in different states). But he always came up with reasons and I didn't want to waste my time. Our last message was me asking to see him as I'd buy the plane ticket to see him and he said "I'm stressed right now and don't want it to be a bad first time" so i left him on read and after a week he blocked me. Fast forward like 3 months later and he's talking to a new girl and after the second month he goes and visits her in the state beside mine. Before he told me he didn't get a visit from the girl he was talking to for 2 years but I feel like he could have made the effort, she was stunning seriously. I'm like hmmm you find someone who is of my same ethnicity and then go out of your way to see her. They don't have a title on their relationship, that'd be another leap for him. Was i dumb? Should I have been patient? I swear I was there for him and offered him support. He said he loved me too.

[Oliverlogan263]

Damn girl, that sucks that things ended up going down like that with you and your guy. A few thoughts on the situation:

Guys can be flaky sometimes, it's just a fact. I think with you being long distance, he maybe wasn't as invested since he wasn't seeing you in person a lot. Out of sight, out of mind and all that.

Still, the way he suddenly blocked you after you asked to visit is super shitty. He could have at least been upfront about not being ready instead of ghosting like that. Major disrespect.

As for why he's doing more with the new girl - probably some combination of things. Could be he wanted a challenge/to prove he can do the long distance thing now. Or maybe he's just more attracted to her looks so he's willing to put in more effort. Guys can be shallow like that sometimes, even if they say they love you.

I wouldn't say you were dumb at all for wanting more from him after talking for so long. Your feelings are valid. But maybe you dodged a bullet in the long run - does this really seem like someone reliable for a serious relationship?

At the end of the day his actions showed you his priorities and character. Don't waste time doubting yourself, just be glad you found out now instead of getting more invested. Your worth isn't defined by any dude. Hang in there - your real guy is out there!

[Serkee]

She was the one who ghosted him, not the other way around. She said she didn't want to waste her time, so she left him on read as a punishment and wasted his time instead. That's toxic as hell. It was definitely valid that she was upset that he was being flaky and that she didn't want to waste her time, but instead of telling him that she just intentionally left him on read for a week.

[MicahRaine]

@Serkee amen

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Because we want the next relationship to be better. Men are raised to believe in growth.

But also, I think it's pretty common to realize you had access to everything that your ex is doing with someone else but you just didn't bring it out of them or appreciate it or trust them. Could be any combination of those things.

[DishLady]

A person will put more effort into a second relationship if and only if they learn from the first relationship. (A person doesn't typically go back to the previous relationship to avoid negative cycles and the rehashing of old issues.)

[Nikki1989]

Most men will always try hard at first, but it rarely lasts. Most men are ALL talk and no action.

[Asker]

I feel like he's doing that to prove something to himself and feels obligated to do it because he knows it's the only way a girl will stick around

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

We"re in for a loaded statement lol

[Account]

The answer is very simple but it is hard to accept, once you hear it and accept it, you won't be able to view things the same way. You might even deny it.
Because in his mind you were the placeholder and not the "dream girl". You should be with someone who views you as the "dream girl" and not as a placeholder. That is the truth.

[Account]

I dont think people learn from the past. It is just the fact that different people evoke different reactions from us. That is how it is.

[Account]

Unless of course he is a narcissist who has specific patterns.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think either of you have good communication. Ignoring someone as you did or blocking you as he did is a cowardly thing to do. Instead of him just saying the relationship is over or you saying it. It is a toxic relationship.

It’s obvious that he was loosing interest at best and it’s possible he was seeing the new girl long before you ever knew about her, if not her it’s very possible it was someone else.

You even offered to pay for his plane ticket which is very sweet of you. He said he’s stressed which I mean could be a legitimate reason but it wasn’t. He is just making excuses as he always did. Because he just wasn’t interested anymore. So instead he strings you along and wastes your time.

Another reason people do this. It’s because they would rather have someone then no one. So they keep you hanging on until they find someone new. NOT healthy NOT right. But they do it.
Once he found that he cut you off

I assume he put effort into the relationship when you both started out. He will probably do the same type of shit to this girl once the new wears off.

You were too patient honestly and you probably have a good heart. No you’re not perfect yourself such as ignoring him I mean I get sometimes it’s best to take time to calm down. But to ignore someone for less then a month.

You're not dumb but he probably thinks you are. Narcissists think that if you don’t catch onto their lies and what they’re doing. They think you’re too stupid and deserve it. They see you as pathetic. They see you as their property. It’s like a IPhone. You were the new thing from his last relationship. Now he got a new one…. That’s not how you should ever see people. But some think like that.

Some people may say they love you and not mean it. Maybe he did at one point but I think he fell out of love and has been for some time.

[HawkPerception]

It's not that we try harder. It's that we realize our mistakes we made in the past relationship and want to do better in the next one. It could have been the girl that he was with previously, but but either he never thought she would leave or she didn't give him enough of a chance.

Relationships nowadays lack any sense of commitment. As soon as any little aspect gets annoying or difficult, people just leave rather than trying to work through it. That's why we have so many failed relationships nowadays.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but this could’ve totally been prevented. How on gods green earth can you allow yourself to be in a relationship, FALL IN LOVE with, plan a FUTURE WITH this man you’ve never met or he won’t talk on the phone, for all these months? It’s just such a young minded thing to do for a woman in her 30s.
You have got to be smarter and stop making excuses for men on the internet that you don’t know when they’re doing things that do not make sense. You know in your heart there were times you didn’t fully believe his bullshit and instead excused it because you didn’t wanna lose him. I highly doubt this woman is new, maybe new to you but he could’ve been in that dm months ago. And you’d never know because you just threw all your trust into this stranger in another state despite the signs he could be dishonest. And the signs were there, this post alone is riddled with them. Don’t have to be a seasoned expert on men or or relationships to see those red flags.

[buzzword]

We don't. We just treat people better that tend to treat us better. In relationships people feed off of the energy of each other. So if you got treated like shit, you probably did a string or really shitty things to him and he reciprocated.

[Asker]

I didn't. I messaged him, encouraged him, offered emotional support, offered to pay for everything to see him, etc.

[buzzword]

Yeah everyone thinks their the superhero in the movie that does no wrong.

[normalice]

It's like how some men load the last save point in a video game for every single mistake. They want to be flawless and you have seen too many flaws.

[rienna888]

I think they might have regrets about past relationships. They think that if they had done this that and that, the relationship would’ve been more gratifying. I’d have to say I learned a lot about men from my previous relationships. I wanted to be treated like a queen in all of them but never thought about my partners feelings. So now I do little things like making his bed, paying once in awhile, be more gentle, show more respect, etc.

[Phoenix98]

You learn from your mistakes or at least your supposed to so if you messed things up with the last person it makes sense you'd try harder with the next one as to not repeat the same mistakes right?

[Chelsdope0]

I was done the same way hun.. he moved on to a girl who I actually followed on instagram as inspiration months ago. My self esteem is non existent lol

sometimes when you look a certain way men treat you better

[Asker]

But she's less attractive than me to be honest

[Chelsdope0]

Maybe she’s better in bed?

[Ms_Facesitter]

Because people learn from the past. What was good, and what could be better. Not just guys, we all want history not to repeat itself so we use the past as a lesson to do better next time.

[iamanaries]

It’s not your ethnicity. Your first mistake was buying a plane ticket. He is suppose to buy your plane ticket and provide you with somewhere to temporarily stay while you are visiting. Secondly you had mentioned that every time you try to see him he had made excuses. I hate to break it to you but he had already had someone.

[rosemilk]

he was afraid to confront you and say he wasn't interested in meeting you. so he took the cowards way out

[red324]

I don't know. It's not that simple to just have you fly in. I mean what will you do when he's at work? If he doesn't know you well enough, how does he know you won't rob him or something?

[Asker]

Funny, he just flied to her after knowing her for like 2 months, exactly what I'd hoped for for us.

[red324]

Hell, if I ever did that she'd probably send a text midflight to cancel the date or meetup or whatever

[ProbablyClueless]

Every relationship is unique. The guy probably learned some lessons. The chemistry with the new girl is different.

[LiamJHayden]

No idea why someone would do that. I initially put in the same effort and then increase it if she proves worthy of it.

[Drewtate]

It's not that he tried harder, it's just he wasn't into you

[spartan55]

This is why ldrs are a joke. You always date locally.

[avery58]

Because that's the point of learning from your mistakes

[ManInChains]

It probably seems that way in the girl’s mind because she’s overthinking everything

[Surferboi_02]

That as not your fault and it sounds like he is doing a rebound thing because he knew damn straight he screwed up with you and tried harder with the next girl as not to screw up.

[Jupiter1]

Speaking for myself, I try not to repeat mistakes (especially relationship mistakes) and implement what I’ve learned from mistakes made in the earlier relationship.

[noohair]

There is so much in a relationship that can't be quantified. You see yourself as equal to this other girl. But he obviously did not.

[Anonymous]

They don't. They just aren't as apathetic as they were when the last one broke up.

[Anonymous]

Isn't it a GOOD thing that they assess what when wrong and try harder the next time?

[Anonymous]

You said she was stunning and you aren't. That's why he put more effort in her.

[Cheerfull009]

He is not loving you in just bluffing

[Anonymous]

I’m trying less with the next girl