My boyfriend has slept with hundreds and it's bothering me. How can I get over it?

Question

I've known my boyfriend for years and was aware of his past, but I'm struggling with finding out about all the people he's slept with, especially those I know personally. I recently moved to be with him, sacrificing a lot, only to discover he hooked up with a close friend's best friend, too. This is seriously bothering me, and while I trust him now, I can't seem to get over his past. Any advice from others who've dealt with this?

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

You are in this position because you have not been honest with yourself about your morals and values. The reason morals and values exist is to guide you away from being in this kind of position in the first place - they are, in part - a kind of safety instruction, which can vastly increase your safety if you follow the rules.

You can't change who your boyfriend is, and you certainly can't change his past - those were never options. Your job was to vet him, and see if his history, and his morals and values were acceptable to you BEFORE you decided to commit to him. And for some reason, it never occurred to you that a guy who had slept with hundreds of women will probably have slept with people you know - which seems like a wild oversite on your part - but that's WHY we have more generalized morals and values - they help us because they cover a broader set of situations than just the specific ones we are thinking of. They exist because if you have to think of everything yourself, you will almost certainly make mistakes.

I'm not trying to put you down, I'm trying to get you to THINK. A guy sleeping with your friends clearly bothers you, so did your morals tell you not to date men with triple digit body counts? If no, do you see now why they should have? And if yes, why didn't you follow those morals?

No one here can be with you at all times to help keep you from making important mistakes - that's exactly why having a system of morals and values is so important - they can always be with you, IF you choose to follow them.

That doesn't help you now - you have some difficult choices to make now - but hopefully in the future, you will take a different approach that better protects your emotional safety.

Summeroflove · Accepted Answer

It is 💯 reasonable to be bothered by this. It’s bothering you because you know that promiscuous people have a bad habit of cheating, especially when those people are still close. They can be around one another then all the sudden those feelings and emotions come flooding back. He obviously has bad self control and so do they. Is it very possible they will sleep together despite being in a relationship. Yes….

Especially that some people enjoy something even more because it’s wrong. Some people do it because they just want to have sex. But then there are some who have this weird thing that they enjoy hurting someone. They like taking away someone’s man (or woman) away from them.

If you’re seeing red flags that he’s cheating it may be too late. He may already have cheated and you can spiritually and emotionally feel that deep down. Even when people don’t want to admit it. They try to rationalize it and convince themselves that’s not the case. That’s called denial….

and yes sometimes someone’s not cheating but they jump to the wrong conclusions. Sometimes it’s projection.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Since you’re 40, I’m also going to assume that he’s also 40. Let’s say your boyfriend started being sexually active at the age of 16. You say he’s been with hundreds; so from the age of 16 to the age of 40, let’s say he’s been with 100 people. If every relationship were the same length of time and there were no gaps/periods of singleness, every relationship would have lasted less than 3 months. If I were in your shoes, I’d also be nervous about being Miss 101.

His past is his past and there’s nothing you can do to change that, but only you can decide if a future with him is worth pursuing.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You don’t need to know who he slept with, that’s not even your concern.
What you need is do STD check up.
His past is past, the most important is would he change or not, if u still want to be with him, just talk to him what’s bothering you.
But if that’s really bother u, makes u uncomfortable, just leave him.

by the way my ex had over than 300 body counts i found out when he talked about it to his bestfriend (they are french) but i recorded it and asked my french besties to translate it. And i left him after that because he cheated on me.

hannah · Answer

I totally get why you're feeling this way, it’s tough when the past feels so close, especially with people you know. trust is key but those insecurities can still creep in. my advice? focus on how he treats you *now* and remember his past doesn’t define your relationship. it’s okay to struggle, but don’t let it cloud the present. you sacrificed a lot for him, so make sure you feel secure in where things stand today.

Finchie40 · Answer

You are best to move on and and realize you deserve better than that shit , if you already had sex with him you are best to go get tested as well just to be safe

DishLady · Answer

You can't. Either accept him AS IS or move on.

Mr_twoface · Answer

Body count is a hot topic with people having all types of responses to it. I've slept with nearly close to that figure as well but my wife said early on she didn't care. Important for her was whom I am today. Therefore first and foremost, while his past might be bothering you, remember that it is the past! It's important to evaluate how he treats you now and the kind of relationship you both have in the present. Try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and the future you’re building together. Remember that he’s with you now, which says a lot about how he values you and your relationship. Everyone brings something unique to a relationship, and he’s chosen to be with you now, which means he values what you bring to his life.

Consider having an honest conversation with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling. It’s important to approach this calmly, without placing blame, but instead expressing your feelings. Let him know that while you trust him now but these revelations are just difficult for you to process. These feelings might not disappear overnight so therefore it’s okay to take some time to process everything. Don’t rush yourself into feeling better; healing from something like this can take time.

Best of luck to you guys!

Adam_INTJ · Answer

You need to decide to forgive and forget. It's a decision. The feelings will follow suit if you decide to ignore the hurt.

Don't try to "work though" feelings of hurt. The more you focus on a feeling, the more you amplify it. This is actually why kids are so depressed these days: they've been taught to use their feelings as a guide. So if you focus on the hurt, it will consume more of your attention.

Work through the problem instead. Focus on the issues that exist outside of your head, and decide if those matter.

For your considerstion:

Something that might help you is to think that most guys his age have likely slept around too. You're unlikely to find a 40-ish year-old guy with a clean slate sexually.

Now I guess if you want to trade him for a guy who's slept with a bunch of girls you Don't know, then that's something to consider. However, you'd likely be dating someone who's unfamiliar.

Just be sure that you're not holding this stuff against him as infidelity. You weren't dating back then. If it was, then logically, your sex with him counts as infidelity against your future boyfriends. We can't hold the past against someone forever. We must be somewhat forgiving.

He, nor you, is undatable because of past relationships.

PolishedMonkey · Answer

Sure, the only advice I can give is that if you get jealous over something a guy you're seeing did in the past, your best option is to no longer ask that question in future relationships. I mean, would you have rather he lied? It's kind of a trick question. If you're upset b/c he had sex with others that's not his fault, or really his concern, as he can't go back and undo it. All he can do is be forthright and assume if you're a big enough girl to ask the question, you should be big enough to handle the answer.

Anonymous · Answer

What matters is his behavior now. I’ve know big time players who give it all up, grow up and change once they settle down with someone.

Has he gotten psychotherapy for this past behavior? Does he voice regret about it? How old is he?

His attitude and behavior for the time you have known him is what matters. I get your paranoia about him potentially cheating and being a sex addict. You should have a sit down and chat about this to him. Voice your concerns. Say that you are not questioning what he’s done while you known him. But tell him you are paranoid there could be future problems.

Surferboi_02 · Answer

You should be bothered by this and it is not because of your mortals but because of his. He probably thinks he is entitled to his own pleasures and just was passing time with you only keeping you as a title. It has nothing g to do with you or your path he made those decisions on his own and it means you are better with him so if you just leave him just maybe help reflect and see what he is doig. Best part of all karma will get him soon the other girls will find out they are not the only ones and then he'll have a bad rep and probably be lonely for the rest of his life.

HawkPerception · Answer

Sorry but it's proven that people with a higher body count have a higher chance of a failed relationship or infidelity. There's obvious reason why you'd feel uncomfortable with it. For me, if a girl has had more than even 10 sexual partners in the past, I feel uncomfortable. I strongly believe that having similar amounts of sexual partners is more healthy for the dynamic in a relationship.

But anyways, good luck with the man whore 😂

HungTexan · Answer

I had sex with a lot of women before I met my wife. I was honest with her, and she was honest with me about previous sex partners. We trust each other, and the sex is so good with her, I don’t feel the need to look elsewhere. We do occasionally have a threesome with one of her single female friends, and we both enjoy it.

Daniela1982 · Answer

Why are some women so dumb? Why do they go for these players? So this guy has bedded every single girl in the Senior class, and the Junior class too?  Must be trolling!

PeachyPie93 · Answer

I had friends like this who I liked but considering I knew a lot of the people they slept with I wrote them off to never be boyfriends. You usually can't get past these things unless you just over look it and don't think about the past. If you can't then break up.

Breanna_nonbinary · Answer

Don’t mean to be mean but it sounds like a you problem. It doesn’t change the person he is. It is a reflection of the type of person you like. Without the past that he has he wouldn’t be the same person. His freedom to be open and friendly is part of that history and he wouldn’t be the same without it.
I recommend that you not let personal beliefs ruin what could be a wonderful relationship. You choose to feel the way you do, because you are in charge of your own feelings.

BadApple69 · Answer

Any guy or girl who have that kind of body count can never be trusted. The fuck for the sake of fucking… it’s a meaningless act for them. He will never be happy only being with you… sorry to say you should cut your losses and dump him…. He will only bring you pain.

elizamichale1 · Answer

Well if he loves u n u feel he is honest u dont need to be concerned about his past honey n digging it will cause problems to ur relationship as he will feel distrusting... n if u feel he is not honest with u even then u dont need to bother... u then simply need to break up n move on

Anonymous · Answer

So many of us insist that the only thing that matters is physical. People say 'as long as he is disease free' that's all that matters. You guys are perishing for lack of knowledge. Every single one of those encounters had a spiritual consequence as well as a potentially demonic one. There is no way I would open myself up to any of that.

Surely · Answer

And you are just one of the many. If the numbers bother you and he is possibly still adding to his count. Ask yourself. Why did you even hook up with him? You had to have known that he was bedding anything that stood still long enough! Now you are one of those women!

mojito · Answer

it’s tough when his past is in your face, especially with people you know. but remember, his past doesn’t define your relationship now. talk to him about how you’re feeling, but also focus on what you need to feel secure and valued moving forward.

PickleTree303 · Answer

Just go both of your separate ways. Because I say this if someone was putting themselves in situations of being too close with that many people, and the baggages that he certainly is avoiding will instinctively make you want to leave then so shall it be! Men like that don’t change if so very rarely which you don’t want at all to deal with.

HelpfulWoman · Answer

its obviously NOT going to be not bothering you.  end things. move on. 40 and you don't have to settle with things and people with lives that make you uncomfortable.

FreyaRed · Answer

Trust. Do you really think even about trust? XD My advice. You should be realistic and leave the world of wish think. Because your intuition say you already this guy smells like rotten fish.

Levin · Answer

Why do you have to get over it? Are you being made to feel guilty for feeling this way? I think you need to decide either way. I could not tolerate that though.

Miristheiss · Answer

You don't have to. That sounds like they aren't a good choice for a long term relationship. You should probably just pass on this one and look for someone different.

SugarSugarplum · Answer

Easy choice. You decide if you can go forward with that as it is, or you move on. The toothpaste won't go back in the tube.

Nikki1989 · Answer

100s? Most men always say that garbage. Try 10% of that and it might be closer to the truth.

Anonymous · Answer

My advice.. Lady you’re like 40 LOL! 😂. People have a past over 40. 😂 Just because you haven’t lived. Doesn’t mean others should have wasted their time like you have

LazerBean · Answer

Either accept it or move on. And in the future, think about stuff like this *before* getting into a relationship with a person

luvstoned4him · Answer

Yea I would end that  I won't feel comfortable and I will always be wondering if he's cheating on me when he says he's at work or whatever

dustybiker2 · Answer

If he hadn't he wouldn't be the same person you are interested in.

Anonymous · Answer

It's the "I've slept with hundreds of girls!" guy again.

Berethor · Answer

Women like bad boys no? I tend to turn-down hos, even though I had considered some.

RingOfFire · Answer

I think it's very unlikely that he will be faithful with a past like that.

anon1903 · Answer

Communicate with him. Leave him if he mocks you or jokes about his endless exes

LiamJHayden · Answer

I do not understand why people reveal this. What good does it ever bring? But since you know, you have to decide whether or not he is worth it.

Jersey2 · Answer

Promise us people cheat more in marriages. Just saying.

Anonymous · Answer

Hun, why do you think you were attracted him to begin with. He honed his craft. How do you think he got you? Everyone wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.😆

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

By understanding the past can't be changed and accepting today is a new day is the best approach.

Anonymous · Answer

Same way women tell me to just get over her body count. Choose not to be insecure.

jjj101010 · Answer

Either except it or leave him u can’t change the past

MasterKS · Answer

Easy option, move on in life if his past not allowing you to settle down!

Cheerfull009 · Answer

So you also want to add your names in the list of fucked women by this great fucker, congratulations

Datboi65 · Answer

Move on. Simple.

avery58 · Answer

You don't have to if you don't want to

katiesmuff · Answer

Just get rid of him

Wise4myage · Answer

You can't, so either accept it or move on.

vj0090 · Answer

Try to talk to him...

_Senorita_ · Answer

Leave him!!

ChicoFromThe305 · Answer

Understandable

My boyfriend has slept with hundreds and it's bothering me. How can I get over it?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said