I’m trying to convince my friend to take a chance on dating a man 20 years older than her. Am I right or is she?

[Anonymous]

I’m 40, she’s 39 and both of us spent way too much time navigating the dating world. We’ve both been told since turning 30 to date men 10 to 20 years older. I’ve been more open to it than she was. She’s still not open to it. She’s really pretty so her looks aren’t an issue, but she gets passed over and dumped CONSTANTLY by men our age for younger women and the last time really hurt her.

I started dating a man age 54 last year and have never been happier, and dating him taught me two things: 1.) it’s really true that men like to be a little bit older than their women and 2.) men need to feel lucky to have a woman in order for a relationship to work (my boyfriend and I both know how lucky we are to have each other, but he courted and pursued me like no man my own age ever did). My friend has not accepted this yet, and it’s such a shame because my boyfriend has a friend who is perfect for her. The guy met her one time and has been begging me ever since to set him up with her and he’s been pursuing her nonstop but she won’t give him a chance just because he’s 60. She says the age gap is too big and she won’t date him because he’s 20 years older even though he treats women really well, can give her the life and love she deserves and can also respect all of the wonderful qualities that she has to offer.

That man has outright told me that he wants someone our age. How can I make her see that women our age are better off with men that age?

She said the oldest she’ll date is 50.

Am I right when I say middle aged women in their late 30’s should be dating men in their late 50’s/early 60’s? Is she right that the age gap is too big?

You’re right. Your friend is now middle aged and needs to date someone much older who can appreciate her as she is now being rejected for much younger women.

Your friend is right. It’s fine to date older but a 20 years is too big of an age gap. Both you and that man are too pushy about it.

I’m an older man and I prefer women my age. Butt out and let your friend date who she wants.

Updates

1 y

So the conclusion I drew from the poll results is….. I was right! Early middle aged women such as my friend and myself NEED to be dating men several years older. I’ll keep pushing her to give him a chance!

[MrOracle]

While I think you are absolutely right in general (men want younger women, and men her age are no exception, and it will be very difficult to find a man her age who takes her seriously), I also think that a 20 year gap is pretty significant. I think a 10-15 year gap is a reasonable limit on her part - BUT, it's also true that if that standard means she's not finding success, she might have to increase it.

You mentioned that she is pretty, and that's certainly a point in her favor - looks will always be a factor - but her personality, attitude, and priorities are going to be a huge part of how men receive her as a potential partner, and that is so rarely talked about, much less recognized by women. I bring it up because it's one of the big reasons that men closer to her age don't take most women seriously as a partner, which causes women to HAVE to accept men who are either way older or way lower status, because those men will have lower standards.

The more Feminist, demanding, girl-bossy, or career-orientated a woman is, the less desirable she is. Young women can get away with these things to some degree because of how much men value youth and purity, but this also means that these attitudes hurt women's value on the dating market to a greater and greater amount as they age. A middle aged woman is far more likely to attract a man closer to her age if she is feminine, soft-spoken, conservative or at least moderate politically, and family-oriented, and the corollary is that the less of these things she is, the younger she needs to be to bridge the value gap relative to the man - or to look at it the other way, the bigger the age gap needs to be.

When women are young, they have all the leverage, but after 30 or so, the situation reverses. Women simply can't make the same demands they could get away with in their 20s, and today, men are much more likely to choose their peace than to accept less than a certain level of value from a woman. The more important a younger man is to your friend, the more she has to deliver on the other things men value. And things NOT on that list are the things women value in men

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@MrOracle This^. This is sooooo true! I have observed this phenomenon so often. Thanks for pointing it out; it wouldn't have had the same weight coming from me. :)

[D_Bone_Steak]

I voted for the first one, but if your friend is still obsessing about muscles and bedroom game after she hit the wall... she's just doomed. The older man is more of a sure thing for her, long term.

But that's probably what has her on the market still to begin with if we sit down and think about it. Mr. Right and Captain Perfect probably slipped in and out of her grasp many times during her prime... and she ignored those men for the likes of Chad Thunderstroke and Tyrone BBC types of men only to get used and tossed aside in the long run.

If you look at your current age, someone of the same age isn't going to see you as top-shelf when they could go get an 18-year-old still. That older dude will probably place a higher value on the middle aged pussy though, because that's pretty good for him. Then there are the perks... he probably manages money and domestic issues better than some younger guy. A stupid shit test will probably roll off him like a drop of water rolls off a ducks ass.

I'll just conclude with this... insanity is doing the same thing that hasn't worked over and over as if it's going to work. Try something new. You're middle-aged just like myself... and dudes like me are out there...

Me

But we're fucking taken by girls that are 20 years younger than us... we might fuck you, but I don't want that to be my main pussy 24/7. I want to bang the 20-something year olds. That 60 year old dude will value her like I value the 25 year old chick. It just is what it is. You'll be more likely to find something long-term with your strategy rather than trying to lock down someone like me, at your same age. I think I'm 42... I don't fucking remember just check what it says on my profile. Born in 82.

[Asker]

Please, she’s the biggest prude I’ve ever met. If a guy even tries to get sexual with her she gets turned off. She says she wants someone with similar life experiences who is at the same place in life as us. She doesn’t really date the muscle guys, in fact the last guy she dated who really hurt her could have resembled Peter Griffin. That’s all well and good, but the ones who she relates to don’t want our age, and even if she got one our age she would be getting a man who settled for her because he knows he can’t get someone younger

Don’t get me wrong, she’s gorgeous and I think that’s the reason why she gets fucked over. Like I said, we both should have been married off to older men a long time ago, but I excepted that. She hasn’t. The ones our age tell her that a girl who looks like her has no excuse for being single at 39 so obviously she has something wrong with her. Really the only thing wrong with her is her own stubbornness and unwillingness to accept that a kind heart won’t make her sexually attractive. Youth and fertility do.

I’m voting this as the most helpful answer. It’s not what women want to hear, but it’s true. Us middle aged ladies need to hear it and so do the young girls so that they have the good sense to get married young and not repeat the mistake both of us made (that she doesn’t want to acknowledge).

[D_Bone_Steak]

When you mentioned her lack of interest in sex, I locked onto that hard as a major red flag for me. I might be slightly older, but that factor alone is a major non-match. Like, she can still have the 'looks' all she wants, but that's like having a really nice-looking car that can't start or drive. That might be another factor that makes an older gentleman a much better choice. They'd be a lot more similar as far as sex drive goes. My wife gets her period and I start to resemble someone with a porn addiction if you know what I'm saying. I'm at least 20 years away from just enjoying a long walk on the beach or being curled up in front of the fireplace with a good book. 😂 🤣

Thanks for MHO and I'm glad you see what I'm talking about instead of getting offended. I agree, a lot of women don't want to hear it, but it is based in so much truth. Just a few hundred years ago a man my age would marry a girl anywhere from 14 to 20 and it was pretty normal. I'm pretty sure our biology hasn't changed that much in a few hundred years despite the new laws on the matter.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I don't think there's a right answer here. Your friend may not want to be the caretaker of an older man, and that's her prerogative. When she's 60, he'll be 80. She also may view dating older men as desperate.

I think it's a little odd that this older guy straight up told you he wanted to date women 20 years younger. I also think it's a serious red flag that he won't let the issue drop and keeps harassing her. That doesn't seem indicative of a future loving and caring relationship.

If I were in your shoes, though, I'd tell him straight up he needs to drop the issue and walk away, because he is looking desperate. I'd respect my friend's boundary and never speak of the matter again unless she brought it up. She has made her desires abundantly clear, and to press the issue further is crossing a line.

[Asker]

He’s like that because men are often encouraged to keep trying if they want the woman and also because a lot of women (such as myself) see persistence as a good sign. To me it’s a sign that he sees a good thing and he’s really interested. Also my current boyfriend had to win me over.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Maybe if there's been some playful flirting going on, but not with an explicit "no thanks". Persistence when a clear no has been said is pushing boundaries. Also, compared to the women in his age range, of course she'll be a hot item and he'll be all over it.

I am not saying women shouldn't date someone significantly older than them; everyone should do what they feel is best ( I myself married a man significantly older). I just don't think your friend needs to date someone older just because they are available and want her to. She clearly isn't there yet, and I don't think she should be pressured, that's all. :)

[Kelley1]

Who cares? She only has 10% of her prior sexual market value.

[Asker]

You don’t have to tell me that. I already know and accept that women’s market value is youth and fertility. Even though she still looks good, girls your age are much more marketable. You seem to have a good realistic head on your shoulders. If you want marriage, now’s the time to get it. I would also recommend that you find someone at least ten years older since 30 is the age when many men have the mindset and the resources to settle down.

I love my boyfriend but I wish I had your mindset when I was your age. I should’ve been married years ago and so should’ve she.

[Kelley1]

I am trying to get engaged if only one of the guys I like will ask. Thank you for the MHO.

[OlderAndWiser]

No, there is not ONE right answer. There is an answer that is right for you, an answer that is right for your friend, an answer that is right for your cousin, and it may be three different answers.

What makes you happy isn't necessarily going to make your friend happy because she is not you. And if she rejects your advice, it doesn't mean that she thinks you are doing something wrong; it only means that she needs something different. Learn to see this from a different perspective, because trying to force your friend to follow your "advice" will be perceived as arrogant behavior and may push her away from you.

[Summeroflove]

Every woman is different stop trying to control her love life she needs to find someone that she’s genuinely attracted to. Having a bunch of superficial standards beaten into her head is probably why she’s in her 40s and still single just to be as blunt as I can be.

What’s right for you isn’t necessarily what’s right for her. Maybe she will find a younger man, a man the same age, or a dude whose 120. It’s her business not yours if you’re so happy with your life then stop trying to control hers.

Maybe you mean well but finding someone you’re genuinely attracted to can take time.

[Finchie40]

Age doesn’t really matter , but what does matter , it has to be her decision and her choice. We can’t force someone to like someone that we like for them , , attraction comes from within , from the eye of the beholder , so apparently she doesn’t like your friend that way. And has no interest in him , if she did? She would have been all about it by now , but unfortunately that isn’t the case. The only thing you can do is sit back and watch her make her own choices on men , you can give her suggestions on men but you can’t force her to like someone she doesn’t like. Just the way it is.

[coachTanthony]

On a short term basis its not big deal but for long term you are looking at an age gap that could be detrimental instead of dating someone your age or closer and growing old together. Anything can happen but playing the odds is the smart way to go. This isn't is movie it's real life.

[Avicenna]

I sometimes date women much younger than me so I know it can work (I actually prefer dating women in their 30s), but it’s her life and her preferences. My guess is that if you don’t say anything more about it to her but she continues to see that you’re happy with an older guy she’s more likely to do it.

a lot of people don’t really understand that chronological age doesn’t completely define us.

[Alwayreckles93]

Good choice. Sadly millennial guys are a bunch of Mommy boy. When I used to date n my own age Honestly I felt more like their mother instead of their girlfriend. My ex husband he was a year older then me and the marriage was horrible not only that I had to deal with his nosy mother my now ex mother and in law. Millennial guys aren't husband material. All they care about is mommy friends video and they still have a child like mindset. My ex husband told me his mom and little sister was always first before me. To him his mommy a sister will always be first. I have we were at a different page in life. If your an old soul woman it is best you married a much older guy. A men in his late 40s and over he is mature he is not going to goof off he will take life seriously and he will cherish and appreciate the relationship.

[MysteriousDarkness]

@alwayreckles93
Way to assume that all Gen Y ( Millenial) men are a mamma boy.

[Asker]

@MysteriousDarkness in her defense, maybe you aren’t the momma’s boy type but unfortunately there are a lot of millennial men who are. If you’re not, congrats you’re the exception.

[AManOnTheWeb]

"That man has outright told me that he wants someone our age."

He sounds like a pervy creep. Let your friend live her own life. There are plenty of normal guys who aren't shitheads in their 30's and 40's, it just seems like your friend's asshole compass is miscalibrated. The solution is to recalibrate the asshole compass, not to raid the retirement home.

Look you found love with a guy 20 years your senior, great. I'm happy for you, but I'm not sure that's the surefire recipe for long term bliss you may think it is.

[Asker]

Don’t a lot of men want someone a lot younger though? That’s been my experience so far. I wasn’t wanted with guys my age and neither is she.

[FunnyButNotFunnyHaHa]

I think a lot of people are pretty flexible with how much older or how much younger they're willing to date.

Your friend will probably have an easier time finding a much older man who wants to date her, but there are probably plenty or guys her own age, or younger guys, who are also willing to date her.

[AManOnTheWeb]

No, it's weird if the guy will only date women. who are young enough to be his daughter. Major red flag. I'm not saying older guys don't prefer women who are younger than them, but it's weird to have a hard limit at 20 years younger minimum.

[red324]

The older women seem to have a lot of problems. The younger girls aren't looking to be taken care of just yet. They're still enjoying their own freedom.

[Asker]

@red324 he’s 60, she’s 39 so she’s definitely not a young girl and the only real problem she has is her own stubbornness. He wants someone that age but she won’t date anyone over 50

[red324]

Would she date a younger guy? I'm 35 and open to all possibilities, but I don't think women want a younger guy. I would think a younger guy would be more exciting for them in bed still

[Asker]

@red324 she probably would. She told me her desired age bracket was 34 to 50, she just doesn’t want to go older than 50

[BasedBaeBecca]

I think the advice of dating someone 10-20 years older than you can be helpful for middle-aged women, especially if you're seeking stability, wisdom, and maturity.
That said, ultimately, it's your friend's choice who she chooses to date, whether it matches conventional wisdom or not. It's important to prioritize her happiness and comfort level above all else, even if it means deviating from the norms. It's her life, her choice, so respect her decision and support her regardless.

[Asker]

Yeah, I guess. It’s just so sad because sticking to men our own age never worked for either of us, everyone she knows keeps telling her to date older men, this guy has the mental maturity and the assets to provide her with a nice, stable, comfortable life (loaded, no kids, never married, lives in a really nice, affluent neighborhood and his house is paid off), and he wants to give her the same kind of relationship that me and my boyfriend have. Even if she didn’t fall in love with him, she’d be spoiled, loved and well taken care of for life. She told her mom about the guy and the mom told her she’s an idiot if she doesn’t give this guy a chance.

[nastyb]

@Asker

Not every woman needs to marry for money. There are grown women out there who have their own house, cars cand can afford nice vacations. Marrying a much older man just for the sake of "money" is a terrible choice.

Most people are married to husbands that are just a few years older, not 20 years older. why are all these women able to have successful relationships with men close to their age and not you?

chances are, It has nothing to do with age.

[nastyb]

@Asker

Your friend doesn't want to marry him, because chances are she is not physically attracted to him and does not see a future with him. Give him a few more years, he will be struggling to keep up with her in a walk at the park. She is still in her 30s, a young woman, so she isn't looking to marry an elderly grandpa suffering from erectile dysfunction.

[PeachyPie93]

20 years is too much.. I wouldn't date that old either even if I am forever alone.. Why would I settle with someone I am not attracted to just because my friends pushing it on me and the guy likes me? Let her live her life, she should work on herself because if you can't find a guy your own age or younger that wants to date you when you say she is pretty than you guys must have some major personality flaws..

[nastyb]

there are actually studies that show the larger the age gap, the more likely the divorce.

you can't grow old with someone who is 20 years older than you. One day she will still be young, active, filled with life while he is an old man with a cane and in need of a diaper change.

Just because you like old men, it doesn't mean everyone else does.

[RedHigHeels]

I have to say. Your friends probably been too available for the same age and younger guys and the reason the older one is giving all this effort is because she's not interested. It's not about age it's about desire, chase and availability. Older men are only better because of the maturity level but not always and you can still run them off when you're too available. Let your friend date who she wants just tell her to be less interested ALWAYS

[RavVid]

I have said she is tight but I think she needs to date 50 up. 20 years is quite a gap and I think would be more ok earlier in life eg 20F 40M. At the same time she needs to date 10+ years older at least.

Split the difference at 15 years and she needs to date 54 yo's

[Anonymous]

It 100% depends on the desire to have kids. A woman that old is rapidly losing fertility and needs to quickly get pregnant. A guy that age isn't the right option for this all.

If companionship is the only concern, she should obviously date older. High quality guys her age are getting into relationships with girls that are in their 20s. At worst, early 30s.

20 years does seem like a lot though.

[Asker]

I don’t want kids and she medically can’t have them, so that’s not the issue. She just wants to find love, but even if just looking to find love and companionship without kids, most men still tend to prefer young girls to relationships. She’s pretty so she still attracts men our age but she doesn’t get all they want from her is a fuck and she needs and deserves more than that.

No, 20 years older is not a lot. She’ll get stability with that age and a 60 year olds maturity is leveled with hers since she basically had to grow up early and had always been a bit more mature than most people our age.

[FunnyButNotFunnyHaHa]

I don't think it's about who's right and who's wrong.

If she's not attracted to way older men, she shouldn't date them.

Even if guys that age are easier to keep, it wouldn't help your friend, if she doesn't want them in the first place.

Hope this helps.

[RandomUser1000]

It's not all about age.

Neither small age difference or larger age gap is guaranteed to be good or bad.

I think both same age relationships and larger age gap relationships can work if you find the one for you.

[jshm2]

Both of you are wrong. It's not simply about age, but you both need to look at many other factors besides, that could lead to a beneficial relationship. Dating is just the first step in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Seriously? The only men who can truly really love a woman is 20-30 years older than her? And you want to convince her to marry someone that’s as old as her father? Something is wrong with you. This sounds more like a failed human trafficking attempt than a friendship.

[Anonymous]

Her life her decision not yours. It's her life let her live it and make the decisions she wants. She's a grown ass woman she doesn't need you telling her what to do. And the more you push the more she's going to resist and fight you on it and it might even destroy your friendship with her. Don't say you weren't warned and don't come on here crying about it how you ruined your friendship with her because you were being to pushy you were warned ahead of time

[exitseven]

I think that it depends on the person. A lot of people are still young at age 60 . They can be active and engaged. however there are a lot of people that are already old and beat up by 50.

[Nikki1989]

Nobody is right or wrong here, but dating someone that much older does have the potential for imbalances.

[Staximus]

She doesn't need to date older guys, she just needs to stop picking douche bags

[Alwayreckles93]

Well your generation guys had more respect and raised to be responsible. You don't understand millennial guys are all a bunch of Mommy boy. Maybe this poor woman was hurt and heart broken by guys her own age to the point she had enough. Perhaps she wants a mature man that knows how to behave since millennial guys act like children. You have no idea.

[Asker]

Most of the guys of our generation are douche bags though so yeah, she does need to date older guys instead of waiting around for that one needle in a haystack millennial guy who’s not a douche bag.

[Staximus]

A 20-year age gap is going to be a hard sell, maybe a 10-year age gap will be more acceptable

[orange_roach]

I have a feeling you’re a troll.
But, I’m gonna play your game here. The only reason you want to date this guy is because of his money. That’s basically what your replies are implying.

[orange_roach]

*want her

[oldpigg]

The truth is that a 30-year-old woman is not attractive.

[es20490446e]

10-15 max, except there is plenty of compatibility.

[Anonymous]

Tell her he's more likely to die before her. And then she can take his assets. That should help.

[Asker]

For real, this guy is loaded and owns his own house. She would be taken care of probably for the rest of her life and I’ve told her that. She just insists that she doesn’t care about money and isn’t attracted to him.

[Opinion Owner]

What can I say. Some b****es be dumb.😆

[Anonymous]

That neither men have learned no thank you yet at their age is concerning to me.

[blackeagle007]

Your friends call. We all have our preferences

[nawtee_me]

That would have to be her decision but if she is willing give me a call…. ;)

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

Your friend doesn't want to deal with a limb 🍆

[JamesRandiDebates]

She could always go the cougar route and start riding the cock carousel of 20 year old guys.

[MrShaun]

As long as his wife doesn't find out, I think you're spot on.

[lloydmin100]

Age does not matter whatsoever, I personally love older women

[Anonymous]

The only time you should date someone your own age is if you are a minor.

[WhyohWhy69]

That’s not your choice to make for her.

[LiamJHayden]

Different people like different things.

[Dongie]

May God bless you both. ❤️‍🔥

[Dongie]

Well, Michael Kirk Douglas is 80, and his gorgeous wife, Catherine, is 55. His dad made it to 103 and his mom to 102, sooo...

[Jimmerjammermama83]

I see no problem roll the dice

[jahaims]

You're an idiot