How and why does a man become an incel?

Question

My friend Random wrote this:

"There is an assumption that when incels say they are rejected because of their appearance, that statement is somehow false and is simply used to cover a myriad of character flaws that are the *real* reason (s) for their repeated rejections. I think that is untrue to a significant degree. I believe the character flaws and rage *are caused by repeated rejections* not the inverse.

Every single woman writing in here has rejected men before ever talking to them based on their appearance only — I have done this myself both to men, and, being bisexual, to women, and so has every woman I know, and I know many. With some exceptions, we have all had it done to us as well (I am quite tall, and that has not always been attractive to others) but not as often or with the same disdain that I think men experience. When this happens to someone repeatedly, anger and hurt are the predictable outcomes. Let it happen enough times, and chronic anger and hurt is the outcome.

REJECTION HURTS and the effects are cumulative, so it is not surprising that those among us who do not meet contemporary standards of attractiveness are angry, depressed, and sometimes dangerous men, since it is almost always men who do the approaching, and women who do the rejecting.

I am simply waiting to begin hearing more of female incels — with men’s growing anger at women and rejection of them, I think this is almost inevitable."

Cormac995 · Accepted Answer

I agree with almost all of this. I'm not saying it justifies violence but when people inflict violence, they do it for a reason that said it's not the fault of the woman who rejected him because that's just how it goes whether you like it or not, but I understand why some people snap.

The current discussion around Incels is incredibly toxic and rooted in fear mongering more than fact. 99% of incels are literally just lonely or broken-hearted guys who can't get a date and are slowly cracking because they feel inferior and lesser than other men. It seems to me like people don't even understand what an Incel really is.

Incel simply means you're Celibate because you can't find a partner even though you've tried over and over. You are "involuntarily celibate." All an incel is by definition is basically a guy that has never been able to date and is lonely. What happened that warped the perception of them into dangerous stupid maniacs is one guy who was an ego overblown narcissist that went on a killing spree calling himself "The Supreme gentlemen".

He didn't do it because he was an incel but the isolation and frustration may have been a factor, but he did it because he was a psychopath not because he was an incel. Every video the guy posted spelled creepy and I'm 1005 sure his personality is what kept getting him shot down because he was actually above average but every time he talked, he sounded like he thought he was a god among men.

The media went nuts with it and now all single guys are sex crazed maniacs we're supposed to fear like a street gang or some crap. There has only been a small number of cases of this thing happening and guess what? There are plenty of freaking people that are dating that kill people on both sides of the sex's.

A few guys did something super bad and snapped so now everyone in that demographic is evil and dangerous? So, what if a woman who knits kills someone with a knitting needle does that mean every grandma with a knitting needle is a threat to society? If a feminist kills a guy are all feminist dangerous killers?

Almost all incels are just lonely, frustrated guys talking to other lonely, frustrated guys. There's nothing sinister or scary about it and a lot of them don't even hate woman even if their frustrated with them they just wish at least one would give them the time of day for once. Also, again if you're an incel half of that term is involuntary. So basically, you're saying something out of his control is a problem and makes him a problem in society and he should be feared. If you did the exact same thing on the grounds of ethnicity it would be racism.

When you're saying "All incels are lonely dangerous losers." It's basically the same all-encompassing kind of statement you see when people say all black guys are thieves. It's offensive and decimating. I'm not saying woman have to date them out of pity in fact that only makes things worse, but not being treated with active distain and scorn would probably be good for their mental health you know? Just saying.

Maybe_Maybe_not · Accepted Answer

Since I personally know two guys matching somewhat the incel description, since I also know enough of their life story: Unsurprisingly, they both come from an upbringing where they haven't been cared for, where their parents couldn't really care appropriately because they were already too busy with their own life struggles.

Both of these guys have trouble relating healthily to people, both of them believe that women are either an enemy or an incomprehensible entity. It looks absurd, from a distance, because womanhood is certainly not a mystery in itself, women are just people. When one has been taught how to approach and enjoy different people, taught what are the stakes in interpersonal relations etc then it becomes easy to navigate. Both of these guys can't navigate, they try randomly and stubbornly to approach women without listening to or understanding what a person is. Logically, it doesn't produce any sane interaction, it produces cascading misunderstandings and cumulative bitterness as a result.

When the primary role models, parents show almost no support and no affection, kids learn that they're emotionally on their own, it becomes near impossible for them to assimilate the concept of relating sanely to anyone. At least not without undergoing a long path of deconstruction, to understand that their perceptions of people are distorted, because of broken learning.

When the secondary role models, real life spheres or internet communities are composed of guys also featuring broken perspectives about interpersonal relations, teaching not how to relate to people but teaching instead how to obtain girls or how to live away from them then... Plus, the confusion between feminism and misandry, plus an overall materialistic environment, plus an uncaring society...

The vicious circle is complete. The fate of a kid is, sadly, predictable, when looking closely at the parameters. Some of them can escape from the grid though, I hope.

MzAsh · Accepted Answer

It’s a long winded way of saying “it’s others fault for continually rejecting me.” Yeah, rejection sucks, but you don’t give up. What’s more, a lot of these are kids in their 20s. That Elliot Rodger kid was 22 and by no means was he unattractive physically. But he acted like it was a global crisis he wasn’t getting female attention. Ridiculous. If he’d been more patient, and not an entitled brat, it wouldn’t have taken him that long to get a girlfriend.

On_cloud_wine · Accepted Answer

You’re bisexual? You told me you didn’t find men attractive

Blueeyes81 · Answer

What a load of shit. Ugly people get married all, the, time. Most incels I know personally never look inward. They don't stop to think that never grooming, spending 5 dollars on their entire wardrobe, never working out, being 40 stocking shelves at dollar tree, and being huge into anime and sci-fi conventions, isn't appealing to the majority of the opposite sex. Then add in their lack of social ability. Everyone gets rejected. Most use it as motivation to improve. So yes everyone in the world can see the problem with incenls, but incels just fall back on "I'm a good person" but even that is bullshit most of the time. Being a decent human being is the bare minimum. If that is all you can offer then yes the incel is the problem. Not the women rejecting them.

Put it to you this way. You have the bare minimum requirements to get into an ivy league school. Should you be surprised when all the rejection letters role in. Should you blame those schools for not being impresses?

Anonymous · Answer

Guys are natural problem solvers. Give a man an unsolvable problem (a. k. a. a woman😆) and a guy is going to get frustrated. It's not the rejection that bothers guys. Of course it's not fun. But it's the fact that it is UNFIXABLE. I'm sure you've listened to women on here advise men just do this, or this or this. But any guy with any experience knows they're blowing smoke. In the almost 50 years I've learned an irrefutable fact about women. If she doesn't like you. There is not a damn thing you can do to change that. And if she likes you. There's not a damn thing you can do to discourage that.

By the luck of the draw some guys that become incense attract no women at all. And these guys unfortunately do not have enough experience to know yet that there is NOTHING they can do to change that. So naturally these guys put in work to no avail. Understandably they're going to get angry. I think if the universe would tell them from the start they wouldn't get as angry. But it's the constant lie that they just need to door more. Because that just becomes a taunt to them. It's not only are you going to be rejected but we want you to dance for our amusement first.

Anonymous · Answer

I think guys/men are waking up and realizing to focus on themselves, make money, workout and worry about their own health and not chasing bipolar women who can't make decisions and the only pride they get is working for a company and rejecting guys to gossip to her fake female friends. There is a term called femcel, not sure why you don't highlight that term its basically an "incel" but is a female version of that. Women and girls, especially on GAG want to highlight a disgruntled guy is an incel, well, I've been on GAG for years and I read the nonsense immature females say on here hating men and guys. Here is a screen shot of an article by a female discussing Femcels in society today.

I'm tired of the hate women and girls spew online, I don't see value in females today, they lack nurturing, motherly, kind behaviour and lack the femininity. Feminism created this monster of ideologies and watch within 10 years or maybe 15-20 years from now, a lot of girls who are now older women will be disappointed with themselves and their life choices and their rude behaviour. As the saying goes, you made your bed, now lay in it.

Sevenpointfive · Answer

when i was younger fresh into high school i had a friend in the neighborhood. i think i met him walking to the store because our very tiny subdivision had about 20 houses and was behind a grocery store. for whatever reason we hit it off. he was batshit crazy in an innocent way, but he was crazy and very bipolar! his dad was a doctor so i never understood why he wasn't a little more sane?

this guy was very attractive and could get get pretty girls. most of them probably had emotional damage but imagine him looking like elliot rogers. they even acted the same! so when i saw his video diaries it kind of blew my mind. this was the same kid.

he was never an incel. he didn't turn into one as far as i know either.

the answer is probably circumstantial.

exitseven · Answer

I never even knew what an incel was until I joined GaG. I am not even sure there is such a thing. I have had dry spells and thought that maybe there was something wrong with me but sooner or later my luck changed.

Maybe you become an incel when you give up.

slatyb · Answer

A combination of nature and nurture. Mostly they were raised badly, either abused or neglected, and had no one to teach them how to get along in the world. Or perhaps they behaved as their parents do, and were excluded because they are beyond awkward. Their approach to young women is abrupt and creepy, and they don't spend any time socializing in a group so they never become acquainted with anyone male or female. Additionally they have a belief that somehow young men deserve a partner of their choosing and they are being cheated of their birthright by the young women around them.

Anonymous · Answer

it's very simple why incels exist

because society continues to pedestalize women and push for a simp culture

simultaneously looks matter a lot whether people admit it or not

looks are the difference between landing a decent job or not

looks are the difference between receiving tips or no tips, receiving good customer service or bad customer service

looks are the difference between who is innocent and guilty e. g. Ted Bundy, Jeremy Meeks, Luigi Mangione

never mind the negative annotations behind a single male, single women are strong independent women who need no man. single men are seen as losers

heck the fact the term incel exists only further proves that body count matters

Tomisworthless · Answer

Most men are incels. I am, i think - but do i even try? Internet only exacerbated the issue as womens options have increased by their ability to attract from various economic backgrounds all around the world. Meanwhile it only gets harder for guys as were ugly nerdy and uncool and more and more of the world excludes you. No longer just you and the surrounding areas/cities. Back in the ol days war conquest plague and much more eradicated most men that also were childless. We just aren't being killed off anymore so now we have a epidemic of incel losers roaming the earth making people feel uncomfortable and in some instances taking lives

oldpigg · Answer

I have never been rejected because I have never been interested in wasting my time with women, however I think it is good that incels stop being simps and reject women.

Agape93 · Answer

All an incel is, is a guy that can't seem to get laid. They have valid options, they just choose not to pursue them.

LazerBean · Answer

Negligent parents who don't bother teaching their kids accountability. The rest usually follows in one bad way or another.

OzzieOwens · Answer

The standards and demands of modern feminist women. And as far as I can tell offer fuck all in return. A pet dog offers you more.

AnonAndrew · Answer

Frustration with a lack of female attention (especially sex), combined with reading toxic nonsense online.

Kingofkings1992 · Answer

There’s no such thing as an “incel.” It’s just a word that exists on the internet, not in real life. Even for men with the most atrocious personalities and who are completely inept when it comes to women, there’s ALWAYS ways of getting it that are less conventional. If a person is celibate, it’s their own choice.

Anonymous · Answer

In the same way, and for the same reason a woman becomes a femcel.

Apple1996 · Answer

Women get rejected to but we don't go acting like that

Anonymous · Answer

Simply because they refuse to adapt. A relationship is balance of two individuals. Some people refuse to acknowledge or practice this. They get left behind and labeled.

Anonymous · Answer

It won't surprise me if the way their parents raise them or how their childhood was like childhood socializing experiences was also contributed to that

Anonymous · Answer

Incel is basically men who are involuntarily celebate. Well if you look at most incels they are angry but don't take any real positive steps in their lives.

ForevrLonely29 · Answer

Are you an incel?

KrakenAttackin · Answer

Whenever a feminist is losing an argument.

Anonymous · Answer

When they are ugly and losers.

robocop666 · Answer

Bad look and/or autism

How and why does a man become an incel?

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How and why does a man become an incel?

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