How do you know when it’s time to address recurring issues in a relationship?

[GigglesQuestions]

How do you know when small issues, like feeling dismissed during disagreements, are serious enough to address? Should I let it go, or is this a sign of a bigger communication problem that we need to deal with?

[DishLady]

Ok, so I was seeing a fellow who was very into talking about me to other people. (To be fair, I think it started out with him just wanting to figure me out without having to ask me directly.) It got rather out of hand and folks started talking to ME about it, which was a little annoying because they're folks I usually only talk shop with... So I knew I had to have a chat with my guy. No big deal, right? Only the day we were finally able to have a chat he made sort of a spectacle of himself, going on and on about me in a way that was embarrassing. (Possibly he'd had too many sips of whatever he was having that night.) So the discussion got postponed, but I knew it had to happen because it was starting to make us both look bad. I tried to have a sit-down with him but, long story short, I ended up writing him a letter and we agreed to cut things off, which is sad, really because this was a REALLY SMALL thing that could have been addressed early on and remedied with a conversation if he'd just agreed to take a few minutes to chat this through with me. (Oh well. Too bad, so sad.)

[777GgG]

Once is enough. If I bring the issue to you twice I'm clearly upset about it. If you're not willing to work on something small you'll never be willing to work on the bigger issues.

But you also can't fix something if you don't know it's broken. So if you're not communicating about what's bothering you then you're contributing to the problem.

[Zack-Bann]

Pretty sure the sooner you address them the better


Many times relationships tank because people let fester resentments that can easily be fixed if talked about.


I saw this in my previous relationship for instance:
I thought I was doing everything right and one day my then girlfriend said we need to talk and started expressing frustrations that she’s been living with for a while.
If only she had said something earlier I would’ve had no problem working on these things and avoiding the tension it put on us.


And Im guilty of doing the same thing with her by not sharing what behaviors of hers bothered me.


Often times we fear that the other person won’t like our criticism and will want to end things hut if you can have an actual adult conversation where you outline the problem without insulting the other person you will find that common ground is a lot easier to reach than you thought

[incorrected]

Detail the specifics instead of looking for generalisable answers. The devil is ALWAYS in the details. There's a difference between FEELING dismissed and BEING dismissed. Narcissists often FEEL like they don't get to say a word just because their partner spoke for 20% of the time, for instance...

Anyway, for a generalisable answer to your general question: The fact that it's a recurring issue means you need to talk about it. Try approaching it from an angle of 'how I feel when' it happens, rather than a 'YOU make me feel' blamey angle, and offer a suggestion of how he/she can still disagree but without you feeling that way.

[Caroline91]

I don't think being dismissed during disagreements is a small thing. I think it is kind of a big deal. It shows a fundamental lack of respect for you as an equal partner is your relationship. I think a mention is worthwhile the 1st or 2nd time something happens that bothers you and the importance of that issue/behavior goes up from there, meriting incremental steps up the ladder. Ofc, unless there is any degree of abuse involved. And dismissiveness borders on mental abuse...

[LaureenVO]

You should discuss it from the moment you asked this question :) When it bothers you once, you can shrug it off, but when it bothers you so much till the point that you keep thinking about it, you should start discussing it, bc if you don't, you might start to buil up some sort of a resentment against your partner (unconsciously). It's sad bc it happens without you wanting to and it can cause you to become grumpy or mean, without your partner knowing why. Communication is in fact key ;)

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I get a funny feeling when I catch a small issue I have or she has, it's discreet but it's there. From this feeling, depending on the dynamic I can be upfront or postpone talking about it, I won't forget it though because I know there is a chance that it's not trivial. If it turns out to be not trivial, then it will grow on either me or her, until it explodes one day

[SeriouslyNotSerious]

Being open and honest is actually sexy.

So to answer, as soon you see a small problem.. tell him. Keeping things to yourself will make you resent the person. So communicating is very important.

[Flower7]

If you have recognized a toxic pattern , then it’s best to bring it up.

[Whyhim]

It’s never a good time, but it’s a needed time. Everyone deserves to have their needs met and concerns addressed. It’s not healthy to let things linger. That can lead to being passive aggressive. Be cool and honest. If they respect you they would try to understand and work with you.

[Nikki1989]

You deal with issues as soon as they occur.

[princeofromance]

You must address it before it becomes a problem.

[GlowUpGirly5]

He doesn't like you lol that's why you're having recurring issues.

[SleepingHazard]

When the issue first arises.

[Purpleronnie]

At the moment they reoccur

[UknowJT93]

maybe when communication getting minimal

[Maria0002]

The sooner the better before it snowballs.

[dustybiker2]

First time..

[lightbulb27]

You already know