Should I just wait to have a relationship until my teen is an adult?

[Anonymous]

I am a single parent to a 13 year old boy. His dad passed away two years ago, and I have faced and processed my grief, and I feel that I will soon be ready to date again and finally stop being alone. The problem is that my son has anger issues and has not really mourned his dad’s passing as far as I can see. We’ve been getting into a lot of escalated arguments lately over his disrespect and defiance. I can tell it’s not going to get better anytime soon. There is a waiting list to see a counselor, and he has vehemently rejected all help. So, it doesn’t matter that I’m ready for change, clearly my son wouldn’t be, and no man is going to want to enter into this mess anyways. I suppose I know the answer, but should I just forget about myself and allow my entire world to revolve around my teen and wait until he’s grown to meet someone else?

[SteveSmith1985]

Well. There is no easy solution here. But I can give you my thoughts. But don't take it as advice. I am not confident enough to say "you should" do anything.

(*midway through writing; I felt the need to say "I don't have kids" at the beginning. that's important.*)

I am just going to give you my view. I am not saying this is the right way t o go. It's just my thoughts.

**You should NOT wait to have as relationship until your teen is an adult. **

You and your son have suffered a loss. You have grieved according to the normal healthy timeline. Your son has had more difficulty adapting to his father's passing.

Your son has anger issues, (which could be normal through scary-extreme). Those issues likely are caused or at least exacerbated by the loss.

You are doing what can be done to get him the help he needs. He is on a waiting list, but there will, (hopefully soon) be some professional guidance when it comes to how to help your son.

I am also trying to keep in mind: 13 year old boys who have not lost their fathers... can be angry, moody, defiant trouble making, obstinate pains in any parents ass.

I think any single mother would struggle with a hormonal boy going through puberty... even if there was no issue of loss.

Your average 13 year old boy would be a handful for any single parent. Right around 13 is exactly when you expect them to start becoming defiant. The pushing boundaries in a different way, getting argumentative etc. all of that is a normal part of being that age... but... it really depends on what you mean by anger issues.

I can't know how his behavior is more extreme than his peers. But... I am going to assume that he has some pretty significant anger issues.

So, you are waiting for counselling, and until then you're going to have to do your best to continue to manage your son on your own.

Dating.

I think that one of the key factors in whether or not you should date now (rather than in a year, for example) should be how you think he might react should you date.

So you sit him down, talk about how long his father has been gone, and inform him that you are going to begin dating again. You have that whole conversation. How will he likely react?

Will he feel your betraying his dad's memory?

or moving on too fast?

or trying to replace his dad as a father to him?

I think that you shouldn't hold off at all; unless you think that dating again will hit a particular nerve with your son. (in terms of how he might react to the news you're dating again)

Your son loves you and wants you to be happy. Underneath all the behavior that seems like its a different person you're dealing with these days... it's still your son, who loves you more than anyone in the world.

He doesn't want you to be sad. He doesn't want you to feel lonely. He needs to be reminded that... you're a full person.

Boys at that age are not likely to see you as somebody who might need companionship; or as somebody who has a desire to feel loved again. He will be thinking about himself and however he feels about finding out you're going to start seeing people. That's normal. Teenagers are assholes.

But, you can remind him that you have feelings and needs (not the sexual ones but emotional ones). I'm telling you... he doesn't know that already. not about his mom. To him you're just mom.

If you can get him to see that this is something, that you need to do in order to try and be happy... and cover all the questions and assure him in all the ways he needs to be assured about what this means (e. g. tell him you're not going to have him meet anybody right away yada yada yada).

If your boy could read what you wrote. He would want you to start dating. He would never want his mom to feel trapped in loneliness and unhappiness. He would especially not want to be the thing that made you feel trapped.

When your son grows up, hopefully having gotten the help he needs... and is living life as a guy in his 20s...:

When he looks back, he will have wanted you to make the decision TODAY that you were going to start dating.( As soon as that makes sense to do. After you've talked to him.)

Your son's anger issues are going to be there whether you date or not. Unless this is going to definitely cause a huge blow-up between you... because of how you know he views the loss of his father... you should absolutely get back out there and date.

Why bother, no man would ever want to deal with this mess.

Well, that may not be as true as you think.

Granted, you would have to find a guy who was fine with you having a 13 year old. That's not as hard as you might think. There are going to be divorced dad's out there with a kid of their own, and there are going to be guys who that isn't a problem for.

This is how it goes:

-Date 1 and chatting before meeting-... you tell the guy you've got a kid, and he can be a bit of a handful. (true. but true of all single mothers of a 13 year old boy)

-Date 5(ish)- you tell him that your 13 year old son has anger issues.

You don't need to get into the specifically difficult childrearing experience you've been having until (I'm thinking) date 5. When you know you two like each other, and things seem to be progressing well.

So for meeting men, you're just a single lady with a kid.

Once a guy seems to click, and you have some realistic hopes things will continue... THEN it's fair to tell the guy about the anger issues.

If it's a guy who is ok with you having a kid, unless these are like legitimately scary and extreme anger issues (like... dangerously angry) It likely isn't going to scare away the guy who likes you enough to keep seeing you 5 times.

I assume you aren't thinking of introducing any new man to your son, until well down the road of any relationship. I don't know what timelines are appropriate. I think it's safe to say that any guy will have lots of time to start falling in love with you, before he even meets your son.

Personally, I don't think this would be a huge problem for me. If I was afraid your son was going to stab me over the dinner table... then that's a problem. Otherwise, I think I'd be ok with it (as long as I really liked the woman)

I do know, for sure. That your son wants you to date again. Even if he doesn't know it yet. No son would ever want their mom to feel lonely and less happy than she could be.

You should get back out there. You deserve to be happy and feel loved, like anybody else.

I don't think it's nearly so pointless or hopeless either. I see why you feel that way... I just don't think it'll be as impossible as you seem to fear.

Best of luck

🙂

[Zack-Bann]

Look: ultimately only you can decide what is best for your family


It’s a huge sacrifice no doubt about that but it’s not your teen son’s fault


If you take the selfish route of dating around and neglecting him or bringing in any tom dick or hary to have an awkward relationship with him
You will lead him down a path of a lot of unresolved childhood trauma later in life


And if you hold off on getting back on the market until he’s off to college you could salvage his behavior and make sure he turns out a good kid


That’s not to say option B is the way to go


You can make the choice of being a little selfish and compensate with other things and no one can judge you for it


But you can’t expect him to just mature overnight and be perfectly fine with everything

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

That is an incredibly tough situation to be placed in. First losing a loved one to death while losing another to grief. It's great that you have made peace with it in your own way and are ready to start again. I think in this situation you should try and start dating again. Your son is going to be angry in dealing with his grief and even more so once you start seeing someone, but if you find the right one, they can help you navigate those issues a little better and possibly develop bonds with your son.

Being a step parent is never easy, but it has been done multiple times over where they have been able to come in and raise the child as if they were their own. I'm not saying it will be easy at all, but you need to do what is right for you and if that means dating again, then do so.

[ohsheeT]

Or you can be honest with him and let him know where you at with it. But you would like his input. It would make things to go better than not asking him

You have to understand no one could take his dad's place. But if you make him apart of it. In stead of one day. surprise yes I have a boyfriend and yes he does spend the night sometimes bla bla you know what I me lol

[egarcia1360]

Your heart's in the right place, but frankly, the dating pool for your age range is already small as it is and will only shrink further as time passes. Plus, with the issues your son is having, it sounds like he needs a father figure now more than ever. It'll be tough to explain to him in a way that won't upset him more, and the same (to a lesser extent) for whoever you may end up dating. But I'm sure you'll find someone who understands, maybe someone in a similar situation himself, and who can help your son understand and move on himself. I'd try to get on it sooner rather than later...

[Anonymous]

I would say yes. But at the same time if I’m being honest you’ll be almost 40 by than. Makes it harder to meet someone. It’s not impossible that’s for sure. But no, a majority of men aren’t going to want to enter that type of relationship. To your son it would most likely seem like you’re trying to replace his dad. How come it’s two years later that you’re seeking counseling for him rather than when this happened? I do think a majority of your life should revolve around him. Unless he was a mistake I’m sure you wanted a child just as your husband did. Unfortunately things like this happen in life, now you’re in this challenging situation that must be taken care of. He’s turning into a young man. Things you can’t teach him that only a man can. I know a lot of women think they can do that, but they really can’t.

[ChiTown33]

I'm sorry he's going through that. There is no easy answer to this. Everyone processes grief differently. I remember when my niece lost her mom I tried to tell her nothing she was feeling was wrong. And she lost her mom at about the same age. I think what's most important is that he knows you're always going to be there for him. I know my niece would say she was afraid of losing her dad.

So I guess I'm saying I think it's OK to date so long as he knows he still comes first in you life. And any WORTHWHILE guy will understand that and be patient.

[Shiprex]

Sounds rough and I'm sorry for your loss. It's sad for a boy to lose a dad especially at this difficult age.

A strong calm griunded male roll model figure could make a difference for you both but expecting a romantic partner rolled in to that is a hard call.

I hope you find a solution for you and your lad.

[scott04sa22]

Just go on what your heart tells you. Don't listen to the internet.