What does it mean when he says ”I’m sure you meet someone more suitable soon”?

[Anonymous]

Does it mean that he believes I deserve better? Insecurity?

[SteveSmith1985]

It depends on the context in which this was said.

Is this someone breaking up with you?

Is this a friend consolling you?

I immiately think of the breakup/rejection scenario. If that's not the situation. This will be useless.

Usually somebody would say this as a gentle way to turn somebody down (or let them know they don't reciprocate their interest). Or, it's said during a breakup for the same reason. It usually means:

"I'm sure you'll meet someone more suitable soon" (because you and I aren't going to be together)

If that doesn't make sense, please give some more context, and I can give you a more useful answer.

[Asker]

It was during breakup. He said the reason was different life goals. During our date he seemed nervous and couldn’t look in my eyes. That’s why I thought that he’s interested. Then he rejected me after our date

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm especially sorry you took his nervousness for a positive sign first, since it only makes the whole situation more painful.

But yes, this is a very normal thing a person says to try to be gentle when rejecting somebody.

Are you ok?

[Asker]

Yes, but why would be so nervous though?

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh I know the answer to that for sure. That's easy! Believe it or not, it's often more nerve-wracking to break up with someone, than to ask them out. You know you're about to hurt the other person, you don't want to hurt them, but you know it's what needs to be done. It's HARD.

It makes perfect sense to me that he was nervous (he might have shown his nervousness more than most though)

[Asker]

During our date he already knew he’s going to break it off with me?

[SteveSmith1985]

Usually the answer would be absolutely. But now I'm stopping short here... How many dates have you been on? I assume a few.

So, there is a certain number of dates (not a specific number) where it becomes more and more cowardly to break up with someone over text. It becomes "the right thing" for a guy to break up with someone by looking them in the face and having that difficult discussion.

So I've been assuming you've been seeing each other for a while. If that's where he was coming from, then yes, he would have made that last date knowing he was going to break up with you. The date was to get you face to face.

This is ONLY usually after you're close enough, that it would seem... a little wrong for the relationship to be ended with a text message. So if this is like your 2nd or 3rd date, then no he didn't know the whole time. If you two have been seeing each other over a little while (or became especially close) then yes he knew during that last date. I need context here.

[Asker]

We were chatting for 2 months before we met. We only went out once

[Asker]

During our date we talked about our future plans

[SteveSmith1985]

Ok, this situation is weird no matter what happened.

So if it was your first date, there is NO reason that he felt the need to break up face to face. You were already only talking over messenger. He shouldn't/wouldn't make the date if he was going to break up with you. So it wasn't that.

If you were talking about future plans... how is he breaking up with you at the end of the date? (unless you mean individual "what do you hope to do with the next 10 years" type future plans)

THis situation doesn't make sense. You're gonna have to lay the whole thing out if you want me to take a meaningful stab at it. But I've gotta go for a bit, but will get back to you later. Or dm me if you'd prefer.

[Asker]

what do you hope to do with the next 10 years" type future plans).
That was exactly the question I asked him. Tbh our plans were different m. Him wanting kids and stay at home mom and me wanting to get my masters and move abroad years down the line. I did told him I want kids too.

After the date I shoot home a text. We messaged little bit and then he sent me long “ breakup” text

[SteveSmith1985]

Ok this finally makes sense to me. I couldn't figure out why he would agree to meet after chatting for two months... and decide to break up with you by the end of the date.

This is why. (what you just wrote about how you two have wildly different plans).

Ok this all makes sense to me. So he would have known he needed to breakup as soon as you had this part of the conversation. I can see why. Surely you can too? How could things work if this is what each of you envisions? They aren't compatable.

So did he say "I'm sure you'll meet someone more suitable soon" He meant it. He isn't suitable, he has a different life-plan. You need someone who is compatible with YOUR plan. This guy was right. You don't want to be a stay at home mom! (Which I totally understand)

It's just a shame neither of you asked this question while you were texting. It could have kept both of you from having false hopes.

[Asker]

He also said “ you have good heart and you’re very kind. My god bless you in this life and hereafter“ i was more pissed by his long text and compliments lol.

After this he occasionally has viewed my instagram stories without following me and state at me public…

[Asker]

Also I told him I would go back to work when the kids are bigger

[SteveSmith1985]

" i was more pissed by his long text and compliments lol."

That made me laugh.

Occasionally viewing your instagram stories isn't abnormal.

Staring at you in public sound awkward, but how did you leave things? You should be able to run into each other and be civil. There was no bad blood in the breakup right?

"Also I told him I would go back to work when the kids are bigger"

Girl. Don't do that.

That's not what you want for your life. You already said so (both to him, and to me). Don't be compromising on what you want unless you're head-over-heels in love. Like you found your soulmate and are willing to alter big life plans kinda love.

You want to get your masters. And a few years down the road, move somewhere abroad.

You can't squish your dreams to fit in being a housewife for this man!

Nor should you be willing to. You both can't have anything close to the life you want.

He just had a different future in mind than you did. He's not right for you (in the practical sense)

Surely you can see why he broke it off?

[Asker]

Yes but I did like him tbh those things weren’t something that I was 100 % sure about. Also if he’s not interested why view my socials?

[Asker]

Well he did want to leave things on good terms judging by his text. I week later I removed him from my instagram though…

[SteveSmith1985]

Good terms is good. no problem removing him from your instagram.

[SteveSmith1985]

What just happened. I replied... but where did it go?

[SteveSmith1985]

You didn't know him well enough to alter the kind of life you're hoping for yourself. You and I know that you had no visions of being a housewife homemaker. You don't want to make those types of compromises. If you do, you find you're not happy a year 10 years down the road. That's a recipe for divorce. Or an unhappy marriage.

You're trying to force a square peg into a round hole. You just weren't right for each other.

The socials thing is normal creepiness most people engage in. Doesn't necessarily mean anything.

[Asker]

by the way during our date he couldn’t hold eye contact at all like from the start. Even when we we’re saying goodbyes he did look in to my eyes. What does that mean?

[SteveSmith1985]

I don't know if it necessarily means anything. It was a date, he could have just been really nervous and couldn't hold eye contact. That's what I would assume. IT's a first date with a very long buildup. Just a nervous guy would be my assumption.

You've mentioned this a few times. What do YOU think it means?

[Asker]

I do have low self esteem. I thought hw found me ugly lol but then after we stopped talking when we’ve come across he’s looked at me straight in to my eyes…

[SteveSmith1985]

No way. I can tell you with 100% certainty that he was not acting nervous and unable to maintain eye contact because he found you ugly. That's just not a reason any guy would ever be nervous like that. If anything it was the opposite. He was nervous because he wanted you to think highly of him, like him etc. Definitely not because he found you unattractive.

(This just broke my freaking heart. I had no idea what you were going to come back with, but never in a million years was I expecting that. It makes me sorta sad to think that's what you've had in your mind)

[Asker]

I don't know I was suprised that guy would be that nervous. I felt like if he was attracted why not meet for a second date and see if compromise could make or at least tell me his concerns…

[SteveSmith1985]

He does indeed sound like an especially nervous guy on a date. But not in a way that's abnormal.

The rest of what you wrote... is just not what anybody would do.

He did what anyone would do in this situation (I would have broken if off too, if I were him).

He either did tell you his concerns, or you should have been able to see them (you should actually have the same concerns yourself). You are incompatible.

Even if he found you to be the most attractive woman he's ever seen in his life: A guy would definitely not meet for a second date. (why? You aren't any more compatable if you go out again). He also wouldn't be looking to compromise on what kind of life he wants. And he would be wrong to ask/expect/hope that you would compromise your future plans to suit him.

He did the right thing. It makes perfect sense. Any decent guy would have broken it off too. It has nothing to do with him not being attracted to you. It really doesn't.

[Asker]

I heard after we stopped talking he’s still single…

[SteveSmith1985]

But of course he's still single? I'm super confused. What does that mean to you? (you're really gonna have to spell it out for me, I have no idea why you wouldn't expect that he's single rn. Why is that notable?)

[Asker]

It’s been long time sonce we stopped talking (1,5 years). He’s religious man in his early thirties. He seemed serious about finding a wife…

[SteveSmith1985]

I am really really surprised to hear that its been so long since you stopped talking. I definitley have been assuming that this single date you went on was very recent. Like 2 weeks ago.

I am having trouble knowing what to say exactly.

I am not trying to be mean. My heart goes out to you. You seem like a decent person, a regular girl. I know nothing about you, but you seem nice, sweet, have regular plans for your future.

I was wondering for most of our exchange "why is this girl holding onto this guy so hard. Why is she so concerned with making this work with a guy... when anyone can see, they just aren't right for each other? THey didn't even have a good date. He was excessively nervous, then broke it off at the end of the date. Why is she so insistent on somehow trying to make it work. Why is she talking about putting off school, and her future for a dude she chatted with for 2 months, and went on one not-great date with? This makes no sense." (more coming)

[SteveSmith1985]

So eventually, after asking you why you wouldn't let this go when even you should be able to see that you should. I ask what does his being nervous mean to you.

You told me that you thought it was because he thought you were ugly. That legitimately upset me, That you had it in your mind that this guy you like thinks you're so ugly he can't even look you in the eye. (I don't know why it bothered me so much but it did).

You're still wondering about this guy... and finally I find out that the whole thing: A woman trying WAY too hard to make it work with a guy she hasn't known long enough to have strong feelings for, who went on 1 date, and are incompatible in a clear and immediately irreconcilable way... ALL of it, happened a year and a half ago?

You have been wondering and thinking and hurting over this guy you didn't know well and went on one date with, for a year and a half? That makes me want to cry.

You need to move on.

or, you need to go up to him, and ask him for a second date because you've changed your mind about what you want for the future.

I thought you were being ridiculous for saying "well maybe I don't need to get my masters right now, I've always wanted kids" ... because I thought you were willing to do so because a guy you just went on a date with a couple weekend ago... wanted a different life. THat would be messed up.

[SteveSmith1985]

IF you've been thinking about it for a year and a half... then that's very different. If you think you and this guy are such a great connection that you want to put off the future you have planned... and you still feel that way a year and a half later? Go ahead. That's dfferent. Compromise to suit this guys plan if you like him THAT much, or are so sure he's the guy you need and you can't be happy without him. Go for it. Seriously and sincerely.

But you need to do SOMETHING.

Either ask him out, explain that you feel different and see how it works out.

or

Move on.

This is not a healthy thing for you to be in this position of thinking about it and re-analyzing that one date, and wishing it had worked out.

If you think this is your soulmate. Go get him. But do it already.

If you're not sure he's your soulmate. Its time to move on.

I want to give you a freaking hug. You've been worried he thinks your ugly for a year and a half. That's... not good.

You deserve better than this for yourself. 🙂

[Asker]

How can I get him without looking desperate? When he viewed my stories on instagram it was a year after we stopped talking. I thought jäis je still thinking about me a year after…

[Asker]

I thought that he’s still thinking about me*

[SteveSmith1985]

Well this is one of those situations where you have to just "bite the bullet" and do what you gotta do.

It's not that it makes you look desperate. But you can't hide the fact that you're looking for a second chance with a guy you haven't had official contact with for a year and a half.

There is no subtle or sneaky way to do this. You have to basically face it head-on. You have to straightforwardly ask/tell him what you want to day. That is up to you. But something along the lines of:

"I've always felt like you and I were compatable aside from our future plans. I've had some changes to what I'm looking for, and I was hoping we could give things another shot. Would you like to have dinner with me next Saturday?"

I don't see any way to do this aside from doing it directly in a clear and straightforward way.

You are absolutely right about the instagram thing. That certainly shows he was thinking about you a year after (obviously a very promising sign).

You can write it in a letter if you can't do it face to face. Texting it will work. I just think the other two might be better choices. I think face-to-face is always best. The important point is to communicate clearly and directly what you want to say/ask.

I'm glad you're willing to take action on this. It's time to figure this out one way or another. Might as well shoot your shot rather than just give-up.

[Asker]

My plan is to shoot him a text next time he views my socials. by the way last two time I saw him in public he was very smiley when he saw me. He was stealing glances and that started to smile widely to his friend…

[SteveSmith1985]

Why would you wait for him to view your socials? No. Send it! What is there to wait for?

Good luck!

🙂

[Asker]

Because it would probably feel like to him that my text came out of nowhere. Also if he doesn’t view my socials anymore he’s probably moved on…

[SteveSmith1985]

I have to say, I'm not a fan of your plan. I'll explain why:

Your text is coming out of nowhere. That's what you're doing. You have to take a risk here. You better catch him before he does move on. If your too late, then at least you know you tried. You won't be wondering if you had sent it now... maybe you would have gotten back with him before he met so and so.

You are making excuse.

-If he has been on your socials recently, then there you go... you know he hasn't moved on.

-If it's been a while since he's been on your socials... what makes you think he will suddenly pop back up in the near future.

You're not being real with yourself here. If you're willing to try, you're going to have to put yourself out there. There's no two ways about it. If you're not, that's fair enough... but then you do need to move on.

Don't wait indefinitely telling yourself if he pops up on your socials for the first time in 6 months you're gonna ask him. (that's lying to yourself).

You'll be wondering the same things, pining after the same guy from afar until he DOES eventually find someone else. It's not a guarantee that he'll say yes. It's a risk. But it's a risk you need to take already (or don't. but then it's time to move on. aren't YOU sick of this after a year and a half?)

I'm not saying to write-and-send it this second. But this waiting for him to show up on your socials is not a viable plan. You need to write it. And there isn't any real reason to wait. But if you need a day or two to muster your courage, that's fair. But longer than that doesn't make sense. There is nothing to wait for if you're going to do this.

[Shiprex]

He's being polite in rejecting you because he doesn't feel it with you in spite of what's going on in your mind and that he wants you to be happy.

[BarryLiverstone]

Honestly? He’s telling you that he’s not attracted to you. But you sensed that, right?

[Asker]

He says we want different things in life. He didn’t sat he’s not attracted to me

[BarryLiverstone]

Right because he can’t say that. You would judge him as being a jerk

[BarryLiverstone]

Or would you thank him?

[In_Trance]

Call me crazy but I think he's trying to tell you that you'll probably meet someone more suitable soon

[slatyb]

It means he's not interested.

[Pterodon]

It means you’re not for him

[Asker]

He says we want different things in life

[Pterodon]

Well there ya go. Sorry it didn’t go your way

[Asker]

Do guys really break it off just vecause years down the line I want to move to different country?

[Pterodon]

Yes. It saves time. If you want different things from the start then why continue?

[zagor]

He's trying to make you feel better.