What does "stop looking" really mean?

[Anonymous]

So im 31 about to go on 32 next month and most of my life I've been alone. I live alone, go to work and come home. Im mostly introverted. Occasionally i'll go to the gym or focus on other hobbies/activities, but most of the time I just keep to myself and wait around for serendipitous or random chance to happen (ie someone gets my attention, or approaches me) Because if we have to "stop looking", it sounds like something has to be suppressed or to not even think about it and just carry on business with our mundane lives, like you have to train your brain to not want a girlfriend or friends or whatever. I even went far as not touching myself for 2 weeks. Sure I've been ok single and alone for most of my life but every day is just the status quo really. Gee, is this what being a monk feels like? Nowadays when I go out alone I just pretend that everything's fine. Might as well be standing around, stare into space with my earbuds. Yeah "just be yourself" and then something random will happen, like all you have to do is exist. I dont even approach a girl im interested in because that probably defeats the whole purpose of "looking". Then again, I fear rejection and I know most of you are going to say rejection is normal, but when its mixed with "stop looking", it makes me think "stop looking"="not trying", hence not look or approach the person im interested in. Maybe im meant to be by myself for the rest of my life, and thats fine, if something random or the "right time" would happen already (ya think?). If I have to say "random" one more time I will go insane. And don't say "its normal to be attracted to someone and want a girlfriend/sex". Not when I hear "stop looking", like its an oxymoron. I can't wait to become Patrick Bateman in 5 years. In the words of Morrissey, every day is like Sunday. Every day is silent and gray.

[Effably]

Do you know what relationship status mean are most desirable in?

The first few weeks of entering a new relationship.

The least desirable? When actively trying to find a partner.

These are not based on the prospective partner knowing. There are plenty of tests on this, well a few, where women are not told anything and still at a much inflated rate prefer the guys who are fresh into a new relationship.

So. Outside of the world where women are all mind readers with hidden agendas, what does it tell us?

Men are most attractive when we are not looking for someone but are happy in that we have found someone. If you live life displaying the happy state of having a new partner, new partners are more likely to want to be the reason for that.

When people say to "stop looking" it refers to this. You are typically going to get along better with a girl if you sit down and chat about whatever you are passionate about rather than try to smooth-talk her. It does not truly mean to not look but to shift your goals. Aim for enjoying your time with people, not for a relationship. That way, ironically, a relationship becomes more likely.

[Asker]

Still sounds like being attracted has to be suppressed. you're saying its more about having a conversation with someone?

[Asker]

What if a guy wants to date? Does he have to act like he doesn't want to?

[SteveSmith1985]

Woof... buddy... this is some dark shit. This really isn't true. I can totally try and give you a couple of things to consider, but first I need to know:

Who ever said "stop looking?"

You seem to have adopted this as some sort of ultimate directive. What the fuck are you talking about? Who ever said to stop looking?

That's not what you should do. Where did you even get that? And why do you believe it?

(I really do have more to say to you. I just can't figure out what the hell you're talking about when you keep coming back to this whole "stop looking" thing. Who is telling you to stop looking?)

[Asker]

I heard it 5 years ago from some guy

[Asker]

That when you're not "actively looking" you'll find that person or whatever

[SteveSmith1985]

Ok, so dude. Forget what that guy said.

That's just a sorta folksy saying. It does sometimes work out that you end up finding someone when you aren't looking. But really, it's just an expression about how hard dating is (when you ARE looking).

The joke being... you put all this effort into dating (looking); but can't seem to find the right person. Then, it's funny if you find someone once you stop looking.

It's the same idea as "you'll find your lost item, as soon as you stop looking for it"

Sure... that does indeed happen sometimes. You give up looking, and stumble over what you were looking for accidentally.

It does NOT make sense to have a philosophy that the way to find a lost item is to not look for it.

That's kinda what you're doing with this.

It's not something that should be guiding your actions. Not at all. It's doing you harm. Forget about it completely. It never was meant the way you've taken it.

Is that something you think you'll be able to get your head around to?

[Asker]

Maybe, if it didn't sound like I have to restrict myself or suppress something

[Abbycado]

Good god. The wall of words. It means “stop looking”

[Anonymous]

Stop looking means you don't date anymore I quit the game years ago and am in a far better state for it
Focus on work or your hobbies