Do you compromise yourself a bit when you're dating someone new?

[Anonymous]

I feel like I'm being extraordinarily tame for the new guy. Not overdoing it with the texting or saying things that may be moving too fast.

Like I wanted to ask him what he thought about kissing but I feel like I should just let him show me rather than ask that question.

I also wanted to ask about his past but I know that's not really any of my business yet.

But a part of me feels like this isn't me. But I just don't want to let out my crazy side that can be overly passionate and borderline lovebombing.

Is this growth or am I being untrue to myself and therefore to him?

[sage2021]

Let's be honest. You've been asking us for our opinions on here a lot. Almost step by step as a guide for what to do and not w andhat to do.


So now you are going to hide your real self and be phoney and then one day you're going to turn into some other person that he doesn't even know?

I am really getting the feeling that you aren't dating material at all! You're gonna get left in the dust if you behave that way.

What's wrong with you anyway? You seem like you don't know what the hell you're doing with a guy. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Asker]

I'm just scared is all. After a year and months of being with someone I thought would be my husband and losing him, I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I'm just trying to be better version of myself. I went to therapy and discovered I have anxious attachment style which means fear of rejection and abandonment so I'm trying to be more secure.

[sage2021]

Thank you for the MHO 🙂🧁🌷

[Asker]

You're welcome

[7Phoenix7]

What made you want to ask him about kissing? I think if you asked, he'd possibly think that you want him to kiss you lol.

I think asking about his past is actually a good thing to do. His childhood, teen years, all of that is good to know. And it'll help you understand him a lot more too.

You are an overthinker, aren't you? Lol

[Asker]

Lol I am indeed an overthinker. I wanted to ask him because we cuddled and sat really close to one another to the point he could have kissed me but he didn't kiss me. So I just wanted to know if he likes kissing. And you are so right. Asking about his past would indeed help me understand him a lot more. Thanks.

[7Phoenix7]

You wanted that kiss lol

[Asker]

Lol I did

[Asker]

I actually wanted him to kiss me on the first date but I thought that would have been too forward.

[7Phoenix7]

Lmao I know that feeling

[Asker]

Lol yeah I guess I'll see what happens on this 3rd date next weekend.

[NathanDavis]

I've been myself, I am myself... I'll be myself

they liked me because of that in the first place... so I don't see any reason to "hold back" on who I really am... lol

but, as I said... I do things a bit differently myself, I don't really get that involved and "date" someone unless they are truly interested on who, what and how I really am

and personally... I would very much prefer someone shows me who they are and how they really are right away... for good or bad, I want the real deal, always... why wait...

[Asker]

That's true. It's best to show your true self.

[NathanDavis]

yes... because that would be the one I would want to fall for... or know that we're not meant to be... together

[ohsheeT]

I would say it growth what you need to do is look at it like this and ask your self many questions. Let's plat pretend for a few min let's say it was someone else pretend you don't even knowhim. Be honest would you be excited and be asking theses same questio growth is knowing what you did in the past and changing it today so you get different Results or out come

[Asker]

For me, I think that's what I'm trying to do. I'm being very different with him than I have with any other guy I've dealt with because I want different results. I want things to blossom and turn out good. What I did before did not work. The anxious attachment thing is just not a way to be. I have to be secure and let that part of me die.

[ohsheeT]

Yes, take each day as it gets here. Do rush time. Let today happen. and tomorrow will be right behind it

[Asker]

Yes definitely. I'm taking things one day at a time. Just going with the flow. Whatever happens happens.

[ohsheeT]

Yes that's the best way

[PrincessC16]

Great advice!

[DishLady]

Yeah, I think we all compromise a little to appeal to the other person, but we shouldn't bend over backwards of change our core values for another person bc those aren't sustainable behaviors.

[SteveSmith1985]

You should be yourself.

[Asker]

I feel like myself is too much though. I feel like he would be running for the hills.

[SteveSmith1985]

I think that's a mistake. Do you not trust your natural instincts to not act inapropriately?

I'm not saying to lovebomb the guy. But the examples you mention here, are things you should just ask. Be yourself. Those aren't too much. Asking about his past is your business, it's far enough along for that. I think that's something you know. It's your instinct. But you are second-guessing your instinct.

I don't know exactly what you mean by "too much." But from everything I've seen, from getting ready for the first date until today. You have good instincts.

You overthink, but everyone does. That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the overly cautious, stuff. Everything that makes you fear he might run for the hills that I've heard so far... are the right things to do.

Personally, I found a long time ago. When I was a teenager. That being "open and honest" is almost always the way to go. I would make a point to not hesitate to ask those questions. The exact ones you used as examples, and a million other things people might second guess saying or asking.

[SteveSmith1985]

I have always been amazed at how well that worked for me. I'm still amazed at how well it works to just trust my instincts, and not worry too much about saying the wrong thing. That's why I write novels on GAG. I'm just writting what I would say. The reason I started doing that when I first came on GAG, was specifically because I need to just be myself, and ask what I want to ask, and say what I want to say. Sometimes I end up putting my foot in my mouth. But almost never in a really bad way.

I use this in relationships, and in life. Be yourself, you know the right thing to do most of the time. It's the second guessing that is keeping you from showing yourself fully. That's who you want him to see. That's what a good relationship is (further down the road). It's somebody seeing the real person, and instead of running for the hills, they care about you somehow. The sooner you feel comfortable not holding back. The better in my opinion. It's totally normal at the begining. But, it's only when you both take off the masks, that you start to see if there's something deeper there. So far, I have had to only encourage you to not second guess what you've already done yourself.

Be yourself. As much as you can. Ask those questions you're second guessing. I trust they'll be appropriate (even if they're bold questions, you aren't going to ask them too early. I don't think you could).

[Asker]

Thanks. You're right. I think the kissing question is ok to ask but I'm not sure if I'm ready to hear about his past just yet tbh. I guess I will wait on that one. But you're right about everything else. I am second guessing because of my fear of rejection. But if I want this to truly work then I have to start being more open and honest and true to myself. He is being open with me because tonight he said how much he enjoyed cuddling with me. So I need to do the same. Thanks again!

[SteveSmith1985]

🫵🤺🔓🏆🛫🥳👍

🥲

[bowenw]

I wouldn't say compromise, but not overwhelm them with weirdness. I don' think you need to ask about kissing as it will occur organically when the time is right.

Some people don't want to discuss their past right away or ever, but I think it's fair to ask some general questions to get a feel for him.

[Asker]

Yeah I just asked him where he sees himself in the next 5 years instead. I figure it's better to either stay in the present or ask questions about his future. It's more positive.

[bowenw]

That is a very good question. Hopefully he had a helpful answer.

[Asker]

He did indeed. He said he would like to start a family and I said I would too.

[bowenw]

You could ask if he's ever considered having kids with anyone in his past, if that's not being too nosey in your opinion.

[Asker]

Yeah I could ask that. Thanks!

[bowenw]

Easing into questions that could be sensitive always seems better in my opinion.

[Asker]

Ok I will definitely do that! Thanks again! 😊

[bowenw]

Best of luck. Don't forget he is one lucky guy to have a shot with you.

[Asker]

Aww that's so sweet of you to say! 😊

[WhitneySnow]

You’re doing the right thing. There will be time for all that other stuff when you guys have gotten more comfortable with each other.

[Asker]

Thanks.

[bddddd]

I wouldn't use the word 'compromise'. You should hold what matters to you. But yes if a relationship is going to work it means a willingness of both of you to change. Or you can just leave... that is a perfectly fine choice too.

[Asker]

Yep. They say "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." So I'm trying to be better and do things differently than in my last relationship and last hinge person.

[MemeSupreme]

you've been torturing yourself with the overthinking haven't you lol

[Asker]

Lol yeah I have

[Anonymous]

Nope. I concede NOTHING more than I would to anyone I met on the street in idle conversation. Don't get it twisted. I'm always cordial because that is just my nature. The last thing I want to do is offend someone. But I'm not going to change who I AM for ANYONE. Take me as I am or f*** off.👍🙂

[Phoenix98]

I'm not gonna compromise myself for someone. Your gonna see me for who I am eventually anyway. Your either gonna like me or your not.

Best get it out of the way early so we don't waste each others time.

[OneViewpoint]

You have a problem with impulse control, LOL. Calm down. Steady as you go. There will be a time to let your freak out to play. Lay the groundwork for that while you get to know him.

[ProbablyClueless]

I could be wrong, but not doing toxic shit sounds more like personal growth more than compromising yourself.

In that case, being authentically you would be injurious to your relationship.

[Jay-_-]

Oh chat, she's tamed.


https//media. tenor. com/93cuLqLpKz0AAAAM/harley-quinn-margot-robbie. gif

[Jay-_-]

Ignore that sorry, overall you are being untrue to yourself, do you have any plans on being with this guy? just be yourself don't fully throw yourself at him but don't fully hold back either.

[Asker]

I really hope so and ok I can do that. Thanks!

[Jay-_-]

[exitseven]

I used to try and be a better version of myself. The challenge was trying to figure out exactly what that meant.

[Nikki1989]

Nah, if anything, I am at my worse when with someone new. I figured if they can handle that, they can handle anything.

[Iron_Man]

You gotta be careful with things like that if you over do it, she’ll take advantage of you and expect everything to be her way and then I won’t have any cards left to hold

[fish5505_87]

Maybe, you can still be who your are while maturing! I think your mind is in the right place. Take your time, but hurry up! Just check your speed from time to time.

[Bricealan]

@Simslover92 I think we ALL do, to a degree "lover" !!!

[ravagesavage]

I'm usually myself. There's moments I tend to tone myself down a bit cuz I'm pretty crude, but that's about it.

[KittygosMeoWW]

Not anymore because I don’t date…. I’m trying to be myself in a healthy way before getting in a relationship

[NicholasRedone]

@Simslover92 nope, I'll be saving myself for the next lifetime 😈😈😈😈 💟😋👀🤍🤍🫠🥳🎉

[Lilly1979]

Sometime especially trying to go out of my comfort zone.

[Bklynbadboy12]

You can ask him that. Trust me that's not a bad thing to ask about

[Anonymous]

If I had a chance to date, I would compromise if she would want me to...

[yotaman99]

It’s been so long since a long term relationship I’m usually myself no matter what

[Professor-college]

No I do not I tried to be myself I made those mistakes when I was younger

[PeterLegg91]

Why are you acting that way?

[Asker]

I'm just scared is all. After a year and months of being with someone I thought would be my husband and losing him, I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I'm just trying to be better version of myself. I went to therapy and discovered I have anxious attachment style which means fear of rejection and abandonment so I'm trying to be more secure.

[PeterLegg91]

I understand now :)

[Agape93]

A bit yeah. I do compromise

[serious]

Never dated in my life.

[DrPepper12]

If you mean being on your best behavior yes

[Jennz6]

Yes I do 💃

[msc545]

Not anymore

[eagle1951]

never