Do men who grew up in chaos, feel a slight shock factor when dating a stable woman?

[Anonymous]

This man and I hit it off. Our first date was great! We are alike in some ways but also different. We met through my best friend.

He grew up in an unstable household, he said he wasn't taught much about values growing up, that he is the first one in the family with a good job, and that he is used to ending up in relationships with toxic women who feed off him and his money.

I grew up in a religious, family oriented, and stable family. I was taught values, morals, and I had a great upbringing! I have a great relationship with my parents, and my siblings. I have a good job, and I would say I am a productive person who believes in continuous self growth no matter how old you are. I have been in a couple bad relationships too.

After the second date, he has already told his family about me, says we're dating, and how he wants me to meet his family and friends. Im not going to lie, it took me by surprise. It surprised me mostly because he says he is a slow mover. I stated that I like to take things slow as welI, because I take relationships very seriously and want to put my all into it.

He said that being with a woman like me would be the best thing for him, but that it makes him nervous. I understood, and told him that if he is not ready that its fine. I said that I do think he is a great man, that I do like him, and Ill always be there to support him.

He suffers with depression, and says that everyday he feels overwhelmed with life for as long as he could remember. I decided to give him some space to think and just be by himself until he is ready, and reaches out. He hasn't texted me since our last conversation which was last night.

[HollyK21]

In my opinion you’d be better off moving on. Could his chaotic upbringing be the main factor as to why he struggles with depression? Of course, the same can be said for anyone who’s experienced trauma. The thing is that once you recognize it’s an issue, you’re supposed to do the work to address and heal all that, not use it as an excuse to be noncommittal.


Unless you just didn’t make mention (or I missed it), then it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here and he’s not specifically blaming his depression on his upbringing. He also didn’t seem to be necessarily saying that He didn’t want to be with you eventually, just that it makes him nervous. So while I don’t blame you for offering to give him space, I’m just not sure what you’re trying to accomplish by doing so when you simultaneously intend on waiting for when he’s “ready”.


My question is, what does readiness look like in your book? Because if he’s struggling badly with depression then that’s not something that’ll go away in a few days, weeks or even months. Let’s say that childhood trauma is the main culprit — do you understand how much time it’ll take to unpack all of that and heal it? Healing isn’t a linear thing, it’s different for everyone and there’s no timeline for you to follow or an end date to anticipate. For example, he won’t be healed and transformed by February 14th.


So rather than putting the ball in his court, the ball is really in yours. It isn’t wise to offer this man forever (saying you’ll always be there to support) when this may not even be a guy you want to commit to due to all the instability in his life. You sound like you’ve got your shit together, good head on your shoulders, you aren’t carrying around baggage and most likely wouldn’t count on someone to come along and heal it. He needs to reprioritize, and focus on his betterment before he’s trying to focus on a relationship.

[Asker]

You're right

[DishLady]

Lol. Yeah I guess you could say "shock" but it's more like taking a mountain lion and trying to put a bowtie on it. The guy's gonna fight every step of the way bc he wasn't treated kindly by his own people so why should YOU -- "stranger" -- be so kind and want to pull him up or help him when he's down? It throws certain guys for a loop.

At times, I'm sorry to say, it's a waste of your effort and energy to try to help or be with a guy like that. Leave him alone to figure himself out. Some will come back and some won't. There's nothing you can do about it.

[Finchie40]

The wise thing for you to do is to not rush into dating him until he receives help for his trauma and depression , And most importantly, it depends on what kind of depression and trauma he is dealing with I know you feel like you can love him and be there for him, and I love girls’ like you , but the harsh reality is , you will only be hurting yourself by doing so , Someone that has an unstable upbringing , usually has some sort of mental illness or traumas that they never received help for and unfortunately , it can and will slowly bring you down to their level , if you choose to stay with this type of person. You grew up in a loving environment with a great family and friends’ so bringing chaos into your life isn’t a wise thing for you to do whatsoever. I grew up in a somewhat chaos home and i experienced some traumas when I was a child , that for a long time , I didn’t think it effected me , I was always drawn to innocent girls’ that had good upbringings because that’s something I wish I always had. So I would date these innocent girls’ thinking she can love me the way I always wanted to be loved. But unfortunately little did I realize she wasn’t receiving the love from me that she deserved , because chaos and unstableness came natural to me , to the point if I got into an argument with her , I didn’t back down , I would give it right back to her and sometimes worse because that’s how I was raised , to defend myself and stand on my own 2 feet , so I ended up going back to dating girls’ that came from unstable homes and that wasn’t any better lol. So when I finally got the help I needed for myself it actually opened my eyes more and helped me not get so defensive when a girl I am dating is arguing with me , So now I feel like I need a stable girl in my life now because I dealt with chaos for so long

[MrChinaski]

I agree with everything you said @Finchie40 . But on some level, the wise thing to do is to never enter a relationship. The man has had the dignity and courage to disclose where he is when he could have easily sought to conceal. I agree the OP needs to have wide open eyes about this.

[Summeroflove]

You know it does happen that people see their parents in a toxic relationship that they simply think is normal…. Or have divorced parents who are both in and out of toxic relationships. So…. They learn that it’s normal. Maybe it’s abuse, one sided relationships, narcissistic relationships, and some that are just cold and distant.

So for a time they may just think that it’s the way it’s supposed to be…. But as time goes on people who choose not to be toxic as well as develop a sense of self respect. Will learn…. That it’s miserable and not worth it. Especially, when they meet people who genuinely aren’t like that.

Now some people…. Use it as a excuse. They like the drama they like toxicity… and frankly are toxic people themselves. That’s not who I’m talking about. Yes, some people intentionally do pick toxic people.

Don’t get carried away too soon if you feel like things are moving too fast just tell him. Be genuine… You need to get to know one another, make sure you’re compatible, not have fantasies in your heads that…. The other person can’t live up to. And then resentment builds. Meeting his family isn’t wrong. I’m not saying that. But also be aware of people that can rush things make you believe it’s too good to be true because it is.

I don’t think that’s the case…. Simply this may be his first stable relationship. Communication is key. I’m glad things are going really well.

[MrChinaski]

For most depressants, such as myself, depression is a lifelong affliction. Sometimes for years it barely exists, sometimes it becomes the centre of my life. Therapy can build skills to live better despite depression. Drugs can flatten affect, making me less sad but also less happy. Pouring energy into life goals distracts me, but also makes it hard to resist slipping into depression at the end. This is my personal experience. Speak to another depressant and you will hear another experience.

I am stable, happy even, well-skilled in managing my emotions and working to be a better person. I am very proud of who I am now. But it is hard. And it will always be hard.

If you marry this man, then it becomes a lifeline feature of your life too. If you can recognise you cannot do anything other than sit with him and support his choice of actions and not take on responsibility yourself and not to try to fix him and not try to save him, then you can live a deeply rewarding life together.

Just expect going in it will be with him forever. And make your choice in your interests, not his, accordingly.

My 2c

[Alex_Bright]

Not really, they will feel something's wrong due to the lack of drama. They might have linked the drama to love, so an unstable person will overlook a stable person. They may think the person's boring to name one word.

A big risk I see in this situation is how you describe him and you. You need to be on the same line, and here you have put yourself above him. This will create tension where he'll feel him or his family are considered lower than you or your family. That's going to eat away at a relation slowly but surely. If you can't see his strength equal to yours on other levels then I don't see any future in this, hope you don't mind the directness.

[molonski2]

We are all products of our environment and let me tell you from experience just go no further with guy , it's dangerous and will be heartbreaking , he is completely unstable.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Personally, it feels like I'm doing something wrong.

[OneViewpoint]

Nope. A stable personality is my minimum requirement for any woman I'd consider dating.

[jahaims]

It depends on how much work he has done healing. If he is healthy he will enjoy peace. If he isn't healed, healthy feels bad long term and the subconscious will search out chaos.

[queenofcardio]

I hope it works out for you both.

[drummerdude25]

Where and how does one find stable woman?

[slatyb]

I did, and married a histrionic narcissist.

[Dargil]

Nope. Just relieved.

[Anonymous]

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