If a girl says she doesn't want to be committed yet, but doesn't want to stop seeing you either...?

[Anonymous]

What do you do? She used to call me when she woke up and before she went to bed. We would make plans to meet up and hang out. We were sleeping together, and she talked about us walking down the "relationship path" and how she wanted me to meet her family, and her meet mine at some point. She said I was changing her mind on being single. But when I asked her to be committed she said she couldn't commit yet, and felt rushed. (Her boyfriend of 2 years or so cheated on, and crushed her, she was devastated). Its been about 4 months since she broke up with him, we've been seeing each other for 3, and the last month we haven't really talked too much, my wishes. But she would still call me when she would go out and ask if I was going, when I'd be there, etc. I know she still cares for me. She ran after me at a bar asking why I had been avoiding her and haven't called her cause she wants me to, etc. She said she was upset I didn't take things "to the next level" and that she wanted to be my girlfriend. She's even said she knows we'd work out, her friends have told me too, and that her feelings are strong for me, and she'd love going out with me, but she really isn't ready for that yet. Cause she "isn't ready to trust someone and let someone in like that again just yet."

I know she's seeing someone else now too. Been about a month seeing him. We were seeing each other for about 3 months (she talked about meeting families and stuff like 2 months in). I know she's not my girlfriend, so she doesn't owe it to me to stop seeing other people, and I understand her feeling rushed into a relationship and wanting to make the right choice when she's ready. She said she wants a "whatever happens, happens" type of deal right now. She was sad and depressed sort of when she asked if I had been talking to other people, especially my ex, she even asked if we were getting back together, then looked away teary eyed shaking her head. But, I'd like her to be my girlfriend at some point in the near future (like a couple months or so). So what is my best course of action? Should I try to take her out to like a movie or something every once and a while, and just show her I care about her or what? What is my best course of action? I want this girl, we're great together.

[Cryostatic]

Just because you're not in a committed relationship does NOT mean you ~have~ to be dating other people at the same time.

Stop asking her to be committed, and tell her that you'd like it if the two of you could date exclusively for the time being, so that you can focus on getting to know each other better without outside distractions.

[Asker]

I don't want to see others. But she is seeing another kid right now too. She says she cares for me, and I know she does. She can't say all the stuff she's said to me and not care about me/us. But I basically did ask her that. Her and I go on a few dates, see what happens/take things slow, said I wanted to gain her trust. She said she wasn't ready for that yet and felt rushed, but she didn't want to stop seeing me either. When I said we should stop talking she got angry and sent a barrage of

[Asker]

.. texts asking why it had to be one way or the other, I asked what she wanted. She said she didn't want commitment, wanted to keep seeing me, didn't want anything serious, and wanted things to be fine. She calls me when she's drunk with our friends asking where I am. Came up to me out, asking why I avoid her, and looked sad when she said it. Forced saying she was "great" her voice was high and I could tell in her eyes she wasn't. Said it took her 6 drinks to get the courage to approach me.

[Asker]

So, should I just still ask her to hangout and go to a movie or something, and keep talking to her, or what? Because she's made it clear she isn't ready for a relationship yet. But I feel like if I get out of the picture she's gonna end up going out with this kid in a few months down the road. I don't want that. I am trying to find the best way I can get her to change her mind, without rushing her. I need help figuring out a plan to have her change her mind and want to be exclusive with me.

[Cryostatic]

No, see, here's the problem. You're ALREADY IN a relationship. It might not be a serious, committed relationship, but it's a relationship. She's ALSO in a relationship with somebody else, casual, yes, but still a relationship. Even "just friends" is a type of relationship.

There's nothing wrong with focusing on ONE dating relationship at a time. Just because you want to do that doesn't mean that things are serious or committed between you.

What she WANTS is to date around. That's different.

[Asker]

Ok I see what you're saying and it makes sense. So what do you think is a good idea for me to do? Like I said I'd like to change her mind without rushing her. I don't want to leave the picture because I fear she will end up going out with this kid at some point if I do that. What do you think would better my chances of getting her to choose me? Obviously I need to act like I care and everything w/o rushing her. Should I take her out, should I be texting her? I'm seeing her this wknd with friends.

[Cryostatic]

You want to know how to change her mind about commitment, when commitment isn't the problem. "I don't want a commitment" is the strawman she's using, because it sounds better than "I don't want to choose, I don't want to stop seeing this other guy".

And honestly, I don't know how to fix that. That requires making yourself seem more appealing (I don't know you enough to help with that) or making him seem less appealing (and you'd need to know more about him for that).

[Cryostatic]

One thing I can tell you is that a tried and tested successful method of making yourself more appealing, is making yourself unavailable. As a general rule, people want what they can't have.

Does that mean you should cut her off completely? Probably not, I can see that backfiring. But when you're out with friends, make sure you're NOT spending all your time focusing on her.

There's also plenty of things you can do in the realm of head games, but I don't personally recommend it.

[Asker]

Good advice, thank you. So making myself unavailable.. I get the in person part and not focusing all my time on her. But what about as far as texting or calling? We used to talk all day, everyday. The last month its been on and off, nothing like before like one of us will text and the other will reply several hours later. But she says she wants to keep seeing me, she can't say all she's said and not have feelings for me still. And what else do you mean by the head games comment, can you elaborate?

[Asker]

Should I bring that up when I see her? Say something about the text games we're playing with each other? Was thinking about taking her aside and talking to her about our current situation. Not a big ordeal, just say like lets talk again, and stop this awkwardness, etc. basically. Nothing about how I feel or anything, I don't think that would go over too well.