Coming on too strong vs. not coming on strong enough early on in dating?

This question is mainly aimed at girls, but insightful and experienced guys can please answer too. Can you LIST some examples on how men sometimes make bad decisions early on in dating? Such as:

Too strong:

- giving a dozen roses on the first date

- trying to force a kiss

- sexual touching too soon

- saying I love you too early

Too weak:

- not reaching out to hold hands

- being afraid to break the touch barrier

- not taking any risks

- waiting too long to make things more exciting

Please answer by making a list and possibly give examples


Most Helpful Girl

  • I can give you one of my experiences. Last semester there was this guy I talked to. I was being nice, wanted a friend, and thought the guy was interesting to talk to. He asked for my number and thinking nothing of it, as he was a classmate of mine and thought having it would be resourceful, so we exchanged. The texts began...and wouldn't stop. I'd get so many of them in a day it became harassing. In school, If I didn't acknowledge his presence or be on campus in the morning ( I didn't have any morning classes to begin with and went to an internship during the day ) I would see him crying over it at one point or another when I arrived to campus for my evening classes. Any guy I would talk to, he would but into the conversation to try to dominate the other guy which was annoying esp. because I had no romantic interest in the guys I talked to.

    So for a list I would say:

    Too strong:

    - excessive texting/Facebooking/calling

    - taking exchange of numbers as sign of attraction

    - being offended by her lack of acknowledgement ( she could've just been really busy )

    - anything sexual - touching, verbalizing etc

    - "I love you" too soon is definitely a deal breaker

    - a dozen roses on the first date would kind of be too strong for me, it seems like a 3rd date thing to me

    - the whole *yawn* *arm stretch* *arm around her* thing ( the guy mentioned above tried that on me)

    - not taking "no" for an answer

    Too weak:

    - ignoring her

    - telling her you'll call but you never do

    - being a jerk to her around your buddies

    - anything chauvinistic

    - crying when she talks to other guys ( the other guy could be her brother, you don't know that ha ha )

    - focusing more on video games/sports when she may want some alone time with you ;)

    I can't think of anything else, but in general, girls are emotional and if they like you, they want your attention, but forcing things is threatening and scary.

    • erm 2 things... 1. What's too soon for "I love you"? cause as far as I'm concerned everyone has a different perspective on it. 2. If we got on a date and the next day you see me talking to a group of smoking hot girls, laughing, having the time of my life in front of you, you're not gonna say sh*t right? Since you complain about guys crying when you talk to other guys...

    • Show All
    • i was talking about a guy I befriended who took my kindness as flirting. We never went out. He just misunderstood everything and got upset if I didn't acknowledge his presence 24/7 and talked to other guys besides him.

    • oops forgot to say, too soon for "i love you" would probably be within the first 2 months of seeing the person. An extreme case would be hearing it the moment you ask her to be your girlfriend. Just trying to help =]

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 7

  • Too strong:

    - being over all needy/desperate. This means trying to call/text/chat with me every single day for hours. It's just not cute. Let me initiate the conversation once in a while.

    - spilling all the beans in one go. I like to get to know guys bit by bit. I don't want to hear your entire life story on our first date. I want to hear bits and pieces, spread out on several dates/meetups. I kinda like having to work a little to gain a guy's trust. That way I'll know it's special when he shares his deep thoughts or stories with me.

    - being overly sexual early on. Now, I don't mind some sexual teasing after a while because it's exciting, but if you force it on me too early it just comes off as creepy and desperate. It's like you're only looking for sex. Not cute.

    - too much touching. I don't mind the occasional hug or quick touch, but don't overdo it. Having someone I've just met touch me 24/7 is just uncomfortable and creepy.

    - being so desperate that it turns into aggression. "Why didn't you call me back?!" "Where have you been?!" etc.

    Too weak:

    - not initiating contact. I like initiating contact, yeah, but not if I'm the only one doing it. If he initiates contact just as much as I do, it means he's interested. If he doesn't, I'll just assume he's not into me.

    - being afraid of sharing his feelings. As I said, I don't like it when guys spill all the beans at once, but neither do I like it when they're overly reserved and closed.

    - too scared to do anything. I don't mind taking small steps, but if we barely make any sort of progress after several dates/meetups, I'm starting to think I'm just wasting my time.

    - being overly shy. Shy guys can be really cute, but just not when their shyness completely stops them from doing anything.

    - just generally acting aloof and uninterested. If I interest you, then act like it dammit.

    • When you say -

      Too strong

      being over all needy/desperate. This means trying to call/text/chat with me every single day for hours. It's just not cute. Let me initiate the conversation once in a while

      What if the girl started all of the texting / fb chatting every single day in the first place and made the guy think this is what she likes and turns the guy into a constant texter? and then the girl slows down contact and makes it look like the guy is the needy one contacting her all the time?

    • I didn't use to chat with people online/text much until I met someone who would non stop message me from morning to night via text / Facebook which made us contact each other all the time. Then one morning Nothing after sending 2 - 3 texts, this was after a day of texting from 10am to 1am and her saying how much she can't wait to meet up again etc..

      She must think I got too needy from contacting when she didn't reply but I only did that as she did it to me in the beginning so I thought it was ok

    • Take the list I wrote with a grain of salt, since it's based on my personal preferences and not how every girl ever thinks. But, to answer your question, I don't really know why she did that. Maybe she didn't want to respond because she was tired of the texting you guys did the day before? Or she just lost interest somehow in the midst of all the conversations you guys had. I don't know. Ask her!

  • - Don't be cheap

    - Bragging or talking too much about yourself and not asking questions is a huge pet peeve.

    - No Kissing, touching, anything sexual unless the girl is clearly into it

    - Any kind of insult or jab at the girl... (it should be obvious that this is a no-no, but I've had guys

    make "innocent" observations about me in the early dating stages that were not so flattering.)

    - Be accommodating and chivalrous even when it comes to little things.

    Ex: On a first date around Christmas time, I asked a guy if we could listen to Christmas music in

    the car on the way and he laughed and said, "When we're in your car, we can listen to

    whatever you want." and proceeded to leave the station on unromantic house music. We did

    not go on a second date.

    - Do not be rude to waiters, cab drivers, etc. Instant turn-off!

    - Compliment her... just don't over-do it.

    - Don't drink too much on the first few dates.

    - Know what you want, but also be open to suggestions. Have a plan for the two of you on dates.

    I can't stand when a guy is always saying, "I don't care, whatever you wanna do."

    Assertiveness - in the right way - is hot.

  • I don't think any of these matter. I mean there are extremes, like giving gifts on a first date, or being too scared to hold her hand. However, more subtle, not as extreme gestures don't matter. If a girl likes you, it wouldn't matter. Iv'e had guys I wasn't that into do things that turned me off, then a guy I liked did the same thing, and it was totally OK.

  • Sexual touching too soon. This one has always bothered me. Generally, if she doesn't touch you, don't touch her.

    • I'm a chicken if I had to start it the touch I'd never get touched lol.

  • Not walking a girl to her car.

    • "Iv'e had guys I wasn't that into do things that turned me off, then a guy I liked did the same thing, and it was totally OK." this made me laugh out loud... :)

  • Those are all good points you made. The only thing else I would want to add is that those boundaries are going to vary a bit for every person. If you're going to lean either way stronger than the other, I'd say go more assertive. You just have to use your instincts and feel her out. Plus part of it is just taking risks. My guy reached out for a kiss when I was not expecting it at all and I loved it. If he hadn't been on the ball and really showing his interest, I would have lost mine. I was looking forward to meeting many people and dating around for the year. He pursued me and 8 months later we're engaged. We're sneaking up on our two year anniversary now and things are great. So overall, if you lean one way over the other, please please please be assertive.

  • you pretty much hit the nail on the head with your list so I'm just gonna add a few

    too strong:

    --saying anything that would indicate you've been stalking me on the internet

    -talking intensely about deeply personal, sensitive issues on the first date or two, like your battles with depression, the story of your brothers death, your extreme political view points, opinions on abortion or the afterlife etc etc.

    too weak

    -being un chivalrous: not walking her to the door, not opening the car door for her, not taking her coat., not buying her a drink etc etc (the little things that make a big difference)

    -being TOO comfortable like "i don't need to get out of my sweat pants for this, she should love me for my inner beauty!"


What Guys Said 6

  • Im an experienced guy...

    Ive had both types and some perfectly in the middle...

    some examples of some odd too fast moves I've encountered: saying she loved me after 8 days of dating, spending $400 bucks on me before we ever even went on a single date, knocking on my door an hour after our date saying she missed me, asking for sex before ever even kissing me, farting loudly on our first date... (too clingy, too slutty, no class)

    some examples of some too slow moves I've encountered: would go on a date if her parents could come, wouldn't hold my hand while walking the mall, wouldn't kiss after a month of dating, wouldn't eat in front of me, wouldn't look me in the eye or start conversation the whole date (too timid, insecure, and prude, stuck up)

    some examples of perfection: introduced me to parents early in the relationship, held hands on the first date, wrote me a secret love note and hid it in my pocket after 3rd date, told me I could be a model, dancing barefoot in the rain, picnic dates (sweat, simple, not too slutty, not too prude)

  • This is a great question, I wish it had some answers. You might ask it again over the weekend when people are less busy.

    • Yeah, the problem with this site right now is that it's less about dating advice and more about questions about favorite colors, or favorite TV shows, or which celebrity is hotter.

  • appearently texting a girl too much is coming off too strong. I learned that the hard way a few weeks ago.

  • The two answers the women provided, as well as the asker's description pretty much sums up most of it.

    IMO, I would go on the safer side in the first date (because it does take women time to develop interest and coming off too strong would corner here). But then on the second and third date, I'll be on the stronger side because in this case, the greater risk is just repeating what you did before rather than expanding where you are with her.

  • You should never buy a girl a present while dating in my opinion. Don't try to impress her, play it cool. I only buy a girl a present if she's my girlfriend. Show interest, put it out there but don't force anything. Like in the Hitch movie, you go 90%, she comes with the final 10%. Hope this helps!

  • no