Transitioning from high school to university life
Before going to university I thought I knew what I want. I was an A+ students and skipped years in classes, and was given the opportunity to go to my desired university carrying out experimental research before even graduating high school. But as soon as I got into university it was all very different than how I imagine.
I had no social life for the first year because of how challenging and competitive my course was. When my pairs are outside going to that party and this event, all I did was going to lectures from 8 am to 5 pm and then study from 5 pm to 11 pm. The stress of the course and the high expectations from my family was just all too much, and my grades suffered, it wasn't bad, but not what I used to.
So I started to doubt am I doing the right course? I am not enjoying a single bit of this, but I decided to continue because is what my family wanted me to.
Love life
I never really liked anyone during high school, partly because I was sent to an all girls school and partly because I was too busy and to focus on my school work, extracurricular activity and volunteer work. And first year in uni was no luck because I was stuck in the library 24/7.
But what really took a turn was an oversea trip with my friends after second year. On my returned, I left my bag with my passport inside in the airport, I was unaware of it. A very nice guy called up and returned my bag with my passport to my house. At that point I was head-over-heel over this guy that just saved me because I had another trip planned in a week's time and it would be disastrous if I found out I lost my passport on the day.
We texted each other daily for the next 5 months and went on a few dates, things just seem so well and I was finally enjoying a bit from my study. But then after one amazing date without any warning or signs he stopped messaging me. He told me he was busy with work. Stupid and naive, I really thought he meant it and was waiting for him.
It took me 3 months to realised that he was 'ghosting' me. it was heart breaking and I couldn't concentrate on anything and started self blaming.
I thought he ghost me because I choose not to wear makeup, and he always tell me how he's ex was into makeup. So I started wearing make up and he liked my pics and post on social media, but never contacted me.
I thought it was that I don't drink, that is why he didn't like me. So I went to party and got drunk, I didn't enjoy any of it, but I did get lots of compliments, which kept me going.
People said dating other people will help you forget and I tried that. I went from never gone on a date with a guy, to going on dates 3 times a week. The guys all said they like me and want a relationship with me, but I feel horrible because I don't like them back and was only there to probably boost my self-esteem.
Lowest point in life
Since the ghosting, I could not concentrate in class, my family was putting on a lot of stress on me at the time, I was lost in life and the most unimaginable thing happened. I failed 2 classes in one semester, NOT ONE but two! I have never failed anything in my academic career not even a test I didn't study for. It was the lowest point of my life.
I was a very positive person and love going to volunteer and talk to residents in retire village. But after that disastrous semester, I couldn't find my motivation to go anymore. My thoughts in life turned grey, I was locking myself in my room, crying, not eating and couldn't sleep well.
And one day, I caught myself thinking and planning how to put an end to all this by suicide. The idea of suicide never came across my mind once in the past. Because everything in my life up until that point seem almost perfect.
I knew I couldn't be like this, so I booked a counsellor and start seeing her every week. From the outside my friends didn't know any of those, my parents had no idea all those that happened.
Lesson learnt
Through many therapy sessions, I came to realised that is NOT my fault that the guy ghosted me. Is him unsure of what he wants.
I got my dream part time job during that time, it cheered me up and gave me confidence again that I am not useless and ugly.
I stopped going on random dates with guys I don't like because what I am doing is just like what he did to me and I am hurting others in that process. So now, I think very carefully whom I say 'yes' to for a date.
Yes, there are times that I am still thinking about him and depress, but I have learnt to cope with it and learnt a great deal from this experience.
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