I might not work anymore

[Lynx122]

It feels so weird. When I finished highschool I was in the top 5% of students in the country. Here when you finish the highest level of highschool you can go to any university and you don't even have to take a test (except for medicine). The funniest thing is that the thing you earn when you finish this school is called matura which means if you pass you should be mature and ready for life lol. But with me it was the exact opposite.

I didn't learn any life skills in school and I wasn't ready for university. I past some tests, the material wasn't the problem but I couldn't handle it overall. It took me a while to find my feet I got kicked out and had to learn how to survive on my own, I had to find a place to stay and figure out what I wanted to work etc. I finally settled on a business apprenticeship because it wasn't a braindead job which would have bored me to death and I thought I could improve my administrative skills and apply them in my personal life as well.

I didn't know yet that I had autism and the whole improving my admistrative thing would not work out the way I hoped. I did learn quite a bit from this journey and I did improve my skills but I'm still handicapped and that's not gonna change. I managed to get through the apprenticeship but it was a battle I struggled way more than I ever did in school. I even had to change companies because it wasn't working anymore at the old place. I've successfully finished it I already know that because all my tests got cancelled but I don't fit in.

I saw a video recently in another mytake about autism where a guy talked about how much autistic people have to change themselves to fit in and how it can make them feel like they're broken and have to create a different identity to be acceptable. That's how I felt at my first job. I was constantly stressed out about my responsibilities and had to focus so hard that I didn't mess up. I had to life my whole life for my job and I was still constantly exhausted.

I also can't deal with the hierarchy other people do everything to please the boss and rarely ask questions or do anything that might annoy them but I'm not like that I treat my boss like anyone else. i think that causes problems too :D. It takes a lot of effort for me to always think ahead what should I do next what can I do without someone telling me to help? Usually when I use this much energy for my job I have to neglect other areas of my life. Then problems build up in those areas until it becomes too much for me and I just don't go to work because my mind can't take it anymore. Then i have to recover and reevaluate how much resources I'll put into each area but usually the job will take up too much again and I'll repeat the cycle. This happened a lot at my old job I pushed myself really hard and then crashed and then pushed myself even harder and crashed. In the end I pushed myself into depression and had suicidal thoughts something that's never happened to me before or after.

After I switched companies to finish my apprenticeship I had a lot less stuff to do so I didn't get back into the same problem. But my boss is still not happy with me. Even though he's supposed to be a coach for autistic people he asked me if I'm lazy. I went to my psychiatrist and he threw a fit when I told him about that. He told me maybe he'll just write that I'm incapable of working and I'll get disability money every month and I can just do whatever I want. And honestly that sounds pretty good but it's also a weird situation. I always believed I could have a career but after these experiences I don't even want to work for a boss anymore I think it won't work.

It's not that I just wanna do nothing but I don't think I can make a career out of the things I'm good at and want to do that easily. So the disability money would be great. I'd just write stuff when I feel like it. Maybe I'll write a book. I've also always wanted to make youtube videos because I have so many things that I'm interested in know a lot about and would enjoy talking about but it's pretty hard to start making youtube videos but if I had infinite time and din't have to worry about money I'd find a way. I hope I can still contribute something and make a difference even if I don't have a regular job.

I use my laptop lying in bed with my pillow under my arms and chest :D

But I wanted to ask you guys what do you think about someone not working? Does it bother you? And what would you do in my situation?

I haven't made the decision yet I'll still look around at other jobs than the one I'm doing now and let people advise me but I'm definitely cosidering it.

[AmandaYVR]

Well, Lynx, kudos to you for summarizing such a complex topic in not a lot of words. Again, I don't know how you guys do it. Constant struggle for me. Anyway.

Please don't take this as anything but curiosity, but it's interesting how a person (any person) can so thrive in some situations - like you and high school - and yet be so deficit in others. But of course this is the plight of all humans. The specific challenges we all face are just different. Like fingerprints.

But can you explain/reconcile why you did so well academically in school? High school, while not being able to manage it later. Not that getting through university is by any means easy. Lots of people don't go or drop out. And also, you are such a clear and concise writer. As with our other recent exchange, I am again impressed with your understanding and ability to convey the complexities and intricacies. I'm sure you could say even much more, given the appropriate forum.

Everything you ask is complicated. My best summary is:
You definitely stop working when you have the financial means or other familial support to do so, or when your mind or body simply say, 'enough.' I've seen minds crack, and it's not pretty. And it is a long, long road to come back from that, potentially.
Do you think you can be intellectually and emotionally fulfilled if you did not work? Perhaps you deserve the opportunity now, after everything you've been through and the effort you've put out, to try. But if at any time you decide you are starting to go down into a downward spiral, remember, it can be a slippery slope. (Ever watched the fabulous HBO-produced movie Temple Grandin? Oooooh I think you should watch it. Might be difficult if you don't have HBO, I'm not sure. But Claire Danes plays a real life woman, Temple Grandin, who is not just Asperger's but full fledged autistic, far on the spectrum, I would think, and despite her myriad social issues, she found her niche in the world - helping the humane treatment (and slaughter) of feed cattle. Because she could imagine life through their eyes. She innately knew, understood. This movie is about as near to perfection as you will find. And it is a creeper, not like the more famous 'Beautiful Mind' with Crowe.) Anyway, it is difficult to watch, but a beautiful reminder that there can always be exceptions to what we think we know. Like a person who is given a cancer diagnosis, and outlives it by many, many years. Our physical, mental, and emotional limitations are all our cross the bear. The physical seem so much more justifiable, but the others are no less a prison.

[AmandaYVR]

I don't know what the answer is, but time is the only constant. Whatever you do, you have learned, now, the limits of your mind, and like learning about gravity, you must not go past them. You must be your only advocate, as we all are. Loves ones and wise employers can help, but ultimately it is up to us to say 'when'. (Now I recommend Harrison Ford in 'Regarding Henry', about a top corporate attorney with a killer instinct and not much of a conscience. He gets shot in the head, in a random act of violence, and that was it for the life he knew. The movie is about his recovery, both physical and mental. Some will find it sad at the end, because of what he is no more, but most will understand that the story is redemption, that he, in a very bizarre and unfortunate sense, got a new lease on life, and this time he changed everything about it. The penthouse New York apartment will be gone, but his relationship with his wife and daughter is saved.)

There are examples all around us. It always feels harder when it is your own life. Trust me, I know. But I'm just giving you examples (based on real life people) that although things seem hard, impossible, even, there may be a role, a purpose for you out there, somewhere. You have to keep looking though, to find it. It could be through yourself, your own mind, through writing, through therapy, or through work, relationships, in service of others or community. I don't know what your path is, but passivity is not the answer. That is the only thing that is certain. If you take some much needed time off, make the most of it.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1278469/reference
www.imdb.com/name/nm0334880/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_1
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102768/reference

P. S. I'm going to call that movie prescriptive therapy. By Amanda. I should start a business with that. Ha.

[Lynx122]

Nice answer took me a while to read though. I think guys just think differently :D. I actually made some progress today. I smoke weed sometimes and it's super helpful. It slows down my brain and things I never usually notice suddenly become more clear because the noise of my thoughts gets dimmed. I tried meditation a bit but it never had a effect like this. I realised I'm avoiding regrets a lot and it's hindering me. And my creativity comes out more when I'm in this state I just start composing songs in my head and I can hear the music. It was some mix of super hardcore electronic sound and metal I always switched back and forth between the more clean electronic sound and the more noisy metal sound with drums. And everytime the tempo went up :D. I even saw a whole stadium with lights changing along with the beat and a crowd. I feel like if I even only go a bit in the unpredictable direction it would change a lot but somehow I also feel my brain would be overloaded with a life like this.

But I'm just gonna keep going. It kinda feels like I'm in one of those things that take a boat to a new waterlevel and it takes forever except that there's 20 of those in a row and I'm at the bottom. I can go a small amount forward and then I have to wait again for the water to fill up. That's what I feel like when I start working on something new. I don't intend to stop anything. But when I'm doing one of these jobs I have to focus on the tasks I'm given and it takes away from my ability to grow. I'm developing in slow motion is what it feels like and I'd like to continue that. I don't know how much I can make out of this life but I'm gonna try my best. I'm practising loving myself unconditionally which is one of the things that lead to my increased insight but at the same time I can constantly see my potential and what I could maybe achieve if I'm not a 12 year old in one part of my mind.

[Lynx122]

Ah you're question about why I did well in school, I've always loved learning and there was a ertain structure to shool that was relaxed and easy. We didn't have that many lessons and I participated well and absorbed most of the information in class. There was always something new to learn. In a job once you learn something they just ask you to do it over and over again and just expect you to get it right. I'm good at learning stuff but doing it takes a lot of concentration and nobody really gives a fuck about you once you're worked in all they do is complain and criticise if something goes wrong and it becomes harder and harder to push myself to do the same stuff over again and make sure I don't make mistakes and think ahead to stuff I could be doing without the boss telling me and shit. It takes a lot of effort. People sometimes think I'm lazy because they don't know how much shit I'm having to coordinate and keep in mind at the same time to even function. And when I'm tired or I have 0 motivation and willpower left to push myself then people actually see what I'm like when I'm not doing everything. But like I said I'm working on loving myself unconditionally now so I'm not squeezing myself in any box to fit nicely into the system anymore I'm just gonna be me and if nobody can use me then that's how it is. I'm still gonna work with the coaches on finding a solution we'll see what happens...

[AmandaYVR]

I like your housemate's idea about working with kids or the elderly. Great idea.
I was thinking, as I was reading your reply to me that you may be well suited to leading a little group for autistics or people who have similar challenges. I would imagine that you are on the high-functioning end of the spectrum, or higher, and you seem to have the language skills to be able to convey this. So perhaps you find being f/t in a workplace difficult, but you are farther along than some. You could lead a little support group (for whatever age), or start a youtube channel about this, if you're comfortable enough on camera. You can start with a very unassuming, modest concept - I notice some people have hundreds of thousands of followers subscribed and still film in their cars.

Some users get upset if I openly support or recommend the idea of cannabis, etc., but we all have our different opinions and I do support you using it, for such a case. It is more useful than just for recreational purposes. I am not a big believer in antidepressants and many other pharmaceuticals, as they are quite potent and the brain and body does become habituated to them just as much, or more, as some other things. To be able to temporarily, intermittently, change your thinking, can be a very beneficial thing. Many artists have experimented with things like this. Yes, I am not surprised it has brought out your creativity.

[AmandaYVR]

My advice on that, generally, is anytime inspiration comes, you must seize it. It is fleeting, difficult to conjure at will, on demand, and yet it can be one of the most naturally satisfying feelings, to be able to think in a different way, out of the box, solve a problem, feel mentally unblocked... what have you. I believe, as of just this past couple of years, in fact, that once you get into this state often enough, and you are active during it, through it, your learn how to be more creative. Remember, with all our deficits, brains do have considerable neuroplasticity. It is theorized that people who don't use their brains, continuing learning well into their older years, are more likely to develop Alzheimer's. Although I had a doctor as a stepfather and it did not seem to help him that he read every single day of his adult life and he still seemed to get early-onset. But don't let individual or anecedotal stories deter you. We can all be the majority, or the minority. Our lives are not set in stone. I, personally, don't believe in destiny. It would be easier, like with some, if I did. But at the same time, it drives me on out of total passivity (with an unfortunate amount of anxiety, maybe.) We can learn to be better all our lives. Hopefully this understanding, and these revelations or realizations, happen sooner rather than later. I always encourage and believe in rigorous self-exploration. Sometimes the cannabis may be the impetus for that; sometimes it is an intense and thought-provoking conversation with someone; sometimes it could be reading a biography of someone you respect; or a Ted Talk where you learn something new. Intellectual curiosity (and compassion for others, and for ourselves) are some things I think about often. Maybe everyone's list of priorities is different, but that's my two cents to you. They are worth pondering.

[Lynx122]

Yes having a youtube channel has been something I've wanted to do since I was 18 or so. I have a lot I ould talk about :). So far I haven't managed it yet. I haven't given up on it but with all my job stuff I couldn't fit it in right now. I tried to make a video before but I couldn't figure out the editing. Maybe you're right I should just start by talking and making more uncut videos. Yeah I think self exploration is important :) I only use the cannabis ike once a week because if I smoke too often it throws me off balance too much but once in a while it's very useful. I also try and use other methods like you said youtube videos often teach me a lot as well :). Yeah people have told me I'm more functioning but to me it still feels like I lot to deal with. It's almost more frustrating because when I'm doing well people say oh I never would have guessed you would be autistic and they expect more of me because of that and as soon as I drop a ball out of 20 I'm juggling they're like "Are you even trying? "

Thanks so much for listening and your advice. I'll let you know if something new happens :)

[Secret6620]

Great Mytake! Thanks for sharing your story! I also no longer work... The Marine Corps messed me up during the time I was enlisted... So I am medically retired at 100% disability... They pay all my bills and expenses and I get free healthcare for life... I would do it all over again!!! I loved defending my country... I also feel like people judge me and tell me I am spoiled or some little rich girl... But my disability money isn't some hand out... It's compensation for living the rest of my life extremely screwed up mentally and a useless right shoulder... Thanks for posting!!! No one should judge another for the inability to work... 💓

[Lynx122]

Thanks for your great comments you always post :) You should punch them with you're left hand then when they judge you ;)

[Secret6620]

💓💓💓

[Secret6620]

Thanks for most helpful girl love 💓🙆🙋

[N192K001]

Hello, fellow-autist. I'm in a similar case: I achieved honor-roll in high-school; graduated with 2degrees; crashed face-1st a number of time while trying to work with an office-full of people; received the diagnosis; and now run into a dilemma of either give-up on finding a livelihood and live on welfare… or keep struggling to find meaningful role to serve society that will last.

So far (as a Libertarian whose creed is 'bare-minimum government, maximum personal-responsibility'), I'm still striving, this time looking into 1-man to small-team jobs. Especially with the coronavirus-wrecked economy, the options aren't that glamorous (for now), but we must survive, right?

[yenofed840]

well, Life gives lot of oppertunities. I am sharing personal experience. I left studying after graduation. I went to work in dubai. I found that time i had no civil engineering diploma at least. Then after spending one year there, i went back to learn civil engineering diploma. I completed diploma in 2013. i got back problems. again i start to live again 2018 to work in dubai. there was not work till now. So i started working on blogging on interenet which does not require special skill. I am earning fine for now. So you can start any works. You should not think that you do not have skills , just find in what work you are interested in. I am sure you can success in that

[tallandsweet]

I followed your discussion with @AmandaYVR, who apparently blocked me lol but I wanted to share my thoughts with you as I’m also autistic and I have a lot to say about your take.

I wrote you a PM since I cannot Post anything in German here without it being deleted and I kinda don’t want to put my thoughts out publicly so yeah check your DMs.

[Lynx122]

She blocked you? Why? I don't get why people do that so often. I didn't get a DM from you yet.

[tallandsweet]

I honestly don’t know but yeah been seeing that a lot lately.
It’s because you only allow messages from followings I think, but I saved it until you follow me :)

[Lynx122]

I sent you a request ;)

[Jamie05rhs]

A key point here: Not everyone GETS to make a career out of the things they're both good at AND want to do. The world doesn't work that way, bro. Sometimes you just have to accept doing a job that you're not personally super interested in.

Question, though: Was your psychiatrist mad at your boss or was he mad at you?

[Lynx122]

He was mad at my boss. The thing is I need to find something that fits me therwise I don't think I'll be able to do the job long term it will just wear me down and I won't be very helpful either. I haven't given up yet though. My housemate suggested I should work with kids like at a daycare or so. That might be something, I won't get bored and I can relate to kids more than adults it's easier to communicate with kids and old people for me than with people of the same age.

[Jamie05rhs]

Oh. That's good.

I definitely understand how you feel. I feel the same way about jobs. But I don't let that stop me from working. I just get a job and do it a few years, and when I'm tired of it, I quit and do something else. Simple as that. I think it's good because it gives me a variety of experiences and makes me a more well-rounded person.

And hey- that might be a nice idea! You could be a camp counselor or mentor or something. I agree with you: kids are cool. They look up to you because they think you're big. And you can dunk on them lol.

[OddBeMe]

I don’t think anyone should stop working. Disabled or elderly. If you stop working you stop growing and learning. This is a service economy and you need a skill you can hone to become valuable.