It feels so weird. When I finished highschool I was in the top 5% of students in the country. Here when you finish the highest level of highschool you can go to any university and you don't even have to take a test (except for medicine). The funniest thing is that the thing you earn when you finish this school is called matura which means if you pass you should be mature and ready for life lol. But with me it was the exact opposite.
I didn't learn any life skills in school and I wasn't ready for university. I past some tests, the material wasn't the problem but I couldn't handle it overall. It took me a while to find my feet I got kicked out and had to learn how to survive on my own, I had to find a place to stay and figure out what I wanted to work etc. I finally settled on a business apprenticeship because it wasn't a braindead job which would have bored me to death and I thought I could improve my administrative skills and apply them in my personal life as well.
I didn't know yet that I had autism and the whole improving my admistrative thing would not work out the way I hoped. I did learn quite a bit from this journey and I did improve my skills but I'm still handicapped and that's not gonna change. I managed to get through the apprenticeship but it was a battle I struggled way more than I ever did in school. I even had to change companies because it wasn't working anymore at the old place. I've successfully finished it I already know that because all my tests got cancelled but I don't fit in.
I saw a video recently in another mytake about autism where a guy talked about how much autistic people have to change themselves to fit in and how it can make them feel like they're broken and have to create a different identity to be acceptable. That's how I felt at my first job. I was constantly stressed out about my responsibilities and had to focus so hard that I didn't mess up. I had to life my whole life for my job and I was still constantly exhausted.I also can't deal with the hierarchy other people do everything to please the boss and rarely ask questions or do anything that might annoy them but I'm not like that I treat my boss like anyone else. i think that causes problems too :D. It takes a lot of effort for me to always think ahead what should I do next what can I do without someone telling me to help? Usually when I use this much energy for my job I have to neglect other areas of my life. Then problems build up in those areas until it becomes too much for me and I just don't go to work because my mind can't take it anymore. Then i have to recover and reevaluate how much resources I'll put into each area but usually the job will take up too much again and I'll repeat the cycle. This happened a lot at my old job I pushed myself really hard and then crashed and then pushed myself even harder and crashed. In the end I pushed myself into depression and had suicidal thoughts something that's never happened to me before or after.
After I switched companies to finish my apprenticeship I had a lot less stuff to do so I didn't get back into the same problem. But my boss is still not happy with me. Even though he's supposed to be a coach for autistic people he asked me if I'm lazy. I went to my psychiatrist and he threw a fit when I told him about that. He told me maybe he'll just write that I'm incapable of working and I'll get disability money every month and I can just do whatever I want. And honestly that sounds pretty good but it's also a weird situation. I always believed I could have a career but after these experiences I don't even want to work for a boss anymore I think it won't work.
It's not that I just wanna do nothing but I don't think I can make a career out of the things I'm good at and want to do that easily. So the disability money would be great. I'd just write stuff when I feel like it. Maybe I'll write a book. I've also always wanted to make youtube videos because I have so many things that I'm interested in know a lot about and would enjoy talking about but it's pretty hard to start making youtube videos but if I had infinite time and din't have to worry about money I'd find a way. I hope I can still contribute something and make a difference even if I don't have a regular job.
But I wanted to ask you guys what do you think about someone not working? Does it bother you? And what would you do in my situation?
I haven't made the decision yet I'll still look around at other jobs than the one I'm doing now and let people advise me but I'm definitely cosidering it.