Since I found out we have to move out in a year I thought a lot about my future. First I thought I'd move back to Zürich but now I'm not sure if I'm gonna do that. And I thought about my life more practically. Because I was good in school I thought I had a lot of options. I thought I just have to find something I like doing and I will have the capability to learn it and do well at it. I could do well at any subject in school if I really wanted to so why not? But when I got into real life that wasn't true at all. I wasted a lot of time to figure that out. My mindset was so wrong. My self awareness is so bad and even after working on it for years now I feel like I'm still way behind. I feel dumb that I thought I was special and how convinced I was that I would do well. And in my social life I was even more off but in a different way. I kept people so far away and was always fighting something.
I think the only think I haven't tried yet and that I could be good at is IT. I love computers but I wasn't introduced to programming early and I never felt like trying it out but my mind does work in a way where I think I'd be good at IT stuff. I'm pretty confident in my leaning abilities and my structure, organisation, order and productivity have improved dramatically. In the past the only thing saving me was my brain and I couldn't get anything done that wasn't memorized, if I forgot about it it was just not gonna happen.
But let's say I study computer science and I totally nail it and it's the thing that's meant for me I still have a lot of doubts about working. My experiences so far have been terrible. I don't fit in at all. I feel boxed in way too much. I'm just not good at being a cog in a machine. And when I try and make contributions nobody thinks they're important because we see things too differently so it's just a waste.
My doctor said if I were to study it would be better to just stay here and not move on top of it and I could just study from home here. That's why I even considered staying longer but I'm not sue I want to go through this whole grind again just to go through more of a grind when I'm working. I use more energy than "normal" people for almost anything so the amount of effort I have to put in will always seem like a lot compared to the reward. I volunteer for this charity and when I helped a woman with her tech problems it felt great and it was fun. but work grinds away at me so much I feel like even if I have the best fitting job it will still be killing my soul longterm.
Calm new perspective
I was pretty worked up about all this stuff for quite a while.
My mind seems to work like one of these boards where balls fall down except they're not just pegs they're little platforms I can tilt to one side or another to make decisions. And In the areas where I'm experienced and comfortable it's fine but in the areas where I'm not as self aware and it's more difficult for me to grasp these platforms tend to just stay the way they were and keep deflecting the balls down the same path. That's ok for a while but over time my life changes and then I get trapped in more and more by these old ways of thinking that I'm not even aware of but make me feel a lot of pressure for no reason and give me this absolute way of thinking. I thought either I have to stay here and commit to studying or go to Zürich and gamble on youtube. But someone told me I should calm down. He's done 5 educations in his life and he said career paths are very flexible nowadays. I knew that already but my way of thinking just got in the way. He mainly just calmed me down and reset my perspective. I do want to be more flexible I think it would help me a lot but I think it's only possible in a limited way because it's more than just a mindset it's the basic coding of my brain that works this way.
Still for a time it will definitely help me. I think I will stay here for a while then move to Zürich in about a year. And I want to continue on the path that I'm on now. I want to develop more as a person and pursue youtube and the computer science stuff I will do when the time is right. I hope I get the opportunity to do this. I have a appointment on may 12th when I will be "examined" and they will see if I'm ill enough to deserve disability for a time. There will be a second appointment with a different doctor.
Since I talk about youtube a lot I wanna share with you guys my first content ^^.
This is just a video I did to test the camera how the image was etc.
This is the first half of a video. Since I know now that I'll be leaving this place sooner or later I wanted to capture the nice places and paths around here because they are very beautiful. And I know there are many people in other countries who love Switzerland and would like to come visit. This was yesterday I had a very productive day and I feel a lot more positive and focused again. My doctor even told me today I was way too focused I would not be considered disabled enough by the other doctor and I told him I'll try and be more distracted when I go there :D.
I think some developments will just come with time and there's nothing I can do to accelerate it. I tend to push myself a lot but things will be alright. One thing I learned from the video was how different it was from how I experienced talking to people than how it is on film. I tend to experience it super intensely and think about details later but on film it was like no big deal and I hope I can relax more.
There's still a lot of stuff bubbling around inside but I feel good overall and I have a better picture of where I'm headed now which is always helpful. I couldn't fit everything in this mytake but I don't wanna go on forever.
I hope you enjoy the videos and check out the squirrel ;)
Have a good day! :)