I got this message at work about a small task my head of department asked us to do (sending a photo for a presentation about the team) and when I said that I hadn’t had time to look yet and that I’m looking right now, she said: You’ve had enough time, to be honest. Please take such requests seriously next time. Delaying a task like this impacts others, as I’m sure you know. —— For context, I got asked to find a photo headshot of myself for a presentation where members of the team taking part on such projects were introduced. I got asked on a Wednesday at 3pm. I only have one headshot and it’s buried somewhere in my personal laptop, unlike a lot of the Europeans I work with who are used to having a photo to hand. So it would take me at least 15-20 mins to find the photo, email it to my work address and forward it. I didn’t have time on Wednesday, nor yesterday because it was an office day, so I only had this morning. I was busy plus trying to look for the damn photo. Then I get bombarded with messages from THREE people chasing me about this photo, which isn’t exactly part of my tasks, its literally a photo for a team presentation - and it’s optional to have your photo in there. So omg my supervisor messaged me then the head of department messages me. When I tell her that I’m actively trying to find it, that’s when she sent the above message. From my view, I think her tone is unnecessary and passive-aggressive but when I had a meeting with her, she basically said that she didn’t say anything offensive and I’m too sensitive. And she didn’t even acknowledge how I felt about what she said. Is this a trait of a toxic boss? I need help guys!
Is this Teams message from my Head of Department passive-aggressive?
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Well there is nothing "passive" about that message. That was clear and up-front. It wasn't passive agressive, it was just regular agressive. But it was agressive. She basically chewed you out, and told you she expects you to do better. She wasn't passive agressive about it.
I'm not going to get into the whole who was right thing. I can see why you took issue with what she said. While it wasn't "offensive" (like it wasn't inappropriate)... it's still a very confrontational way for her to have approached this. She didn't say anything "wrong" but I don't understand how she's trying to pretend not to know what you're upset about. If she meant what she said, she should have taken that opportunity to expand on it. If she didn't mean what she said, then she should have apologized. It was "harsh" but whether it was warranted or not I can't say. But she knew damn well what you were talking about.
Thanks for your reply. Do you think guving negative feedback via instant messenger is appropriate? She said that it’s a normal part if corporate communication - if you’re not happy about somone or their work, you just tell them over Teams messenger because it’s quicker. Personally I think if it’s destructive criticism like this, it is not appropriate, and she should save her criticism for a one on one meeting with me. Like you say, there us clearly some emotion behind what she said. Perhaps if she’d waited for a one to one call, she might not have been so abrupt.
I'll be honest. I don't have an office job. I'm totally not equipped to answer the question about whether using instant messenger is appropriate or not. But I do think you've got a good point about not sharing destructive criticism in group messages. That's pretty much unarguably a valid point. The problem is... it really does depend on "how they do things" usually. Because if this IS how they do things... they aren't going to care, or change anything just because what you're saying makes sense.
If these are people you're going to be working with again in the future, or on an ongoing basis... my advice would be to try and let this go. Even if they were totally in the wrong here... let it go, for your own sake. If you carry these hostile feelings with you... it's going to affect how you relate to these people in the future. Just don't fuck yourself over big... over something that's ultimately small (although the small things piss you off sometimes. I get it. I really do.)
Thank you. It makes sense not to bother my energy with this stuff. I think it’s the fact that when I suggested a meeting with her and my supervisor (as a neutral party), somehow they BOTH ended up turning it around on me and making me out to be the problem when the meeting was supposed to be about her communication. I felt well and truly gaslit, sitting there thinking ‘am I the problem here?’, ‘am I mean?’ (My manager got upset and accused me of insulting her when I was just stating facts of how I view the situ)… this kind of management technique or lack thereof really f*cks with your head. That’s what I didn’t like. I was made to feel crazy, too sensitive, too dramatic… uh it was the WORST