Is it hard for a bully to sincerely change?

[Danielle93]

Usually bullies only apologize after a parent makes them do it or they are threatened at the principal's office with a suspension. Then if they do apologize on their own, it's after so many years later passed and you've already long moved on. It's then usually done as a result of a BS 12 step program. So basically you'll be waiting for a lifetime for a single apology. You needed closure at that time, not 10-20+ years later.

Very rarely have I heard of one that's actually remorseful after a short time (days to a couple months, without any adult intervention) and apologizes on a timely manner, not many years later.

Is it really hard for them to sincerely change and actually notice how wrong it was what they did?

Updates

1 y

It takes a special type of personality to enjoy harassing someone at that moment, to get pleasure out of making someone miserable.

[HollyK21]

I know adults are perfectly capable of being bullied but I mainly apply that word to someone who is a kid or their frontal lobe isn’t fully developed and I only give that exception to someone under 20. So this age range is who my opinion applies to.


Change, in my opinion, should only be hard in the sense that the bully must reconfigure their hardwiring. They’ve spent however many years (or their whole lives) becoming who they are, so it takes time for change to really happen and for a difference to truly be seen.


There’s other elements to factor in as well, for example, bullies often being a product of their environments. If they’ve been raised to believe that their views, actions and etc are justified, if they’ve been coddled or enabled their whole lives, practically void of accountability then it’ll take time for them to “know better”. Hell they may not even see the wrongness in their bullying and that’s why an apology can take so long to receive, because it took so long to see the error of their ways.

[Danielle93]

Then by the time that apology (if ever) reaches, the previous victim (depending on how bad the bullying was, the age, etc) might not ever want to hear them and it's too late by then. They likely want to be left alone and leave the negativity in the past.

[HollyK21]

That is very true Danielle, some bullies take ages to apologize and by the time they do the victim may not accept or want the apology. The thing is, I’d like to imagine that the person who experienced bullying did some form of healing on their own if the trauma were that severe. They didn’t wait around for the closure of an apology and instead did the work to give themselves the peace of mind they deserve.

I have a relative who spent her entire high school career being bullied, physically jumped by them more than once, cornered in locker rooms, bathrooms, anything to make her uncomfortable. One time they broke her flip phone broken completely in half. Hair ripped out. Mocked in class, ran out of winter formal. Had to leave that school eventually because of a horrid rumor. She went through HELL. Yet once she graduated college she thrived and saw how much bigger the world is and how much better people are out there. We are in our 30s now and to this day she hasn’t received an apology. But what difference would their sorries make? Doesn’t change or take back a single thing she went through. But she does not live IN her pain, she lives WITH it. She didn’t let those things define her and is doing better than all those losers combined.

[Danielle93]

I'm sorry to hear about what your relative went through. I'm glad she was able to overcome it and recover on her own. Lately it's has been getting worse with the victims that are either committing suicide as a result of bullying or the previous school shooters that acted in revenge. They have no idea how much impacting this can be.
You're right, even if your relative would've received an apology it would be worthless. Nothing would've changed what happened.

[Danielle93]

Honestly, several times an apology that late is probably for them to release their guilt (all about them again), not an ''After 20-30 years later, I finally discovered it was wrong''.

[sage2021]

I don't believe that bullies ever change. I also believe that even when they became adults they continue to be bully people - especially at their work place, neighbors, other drivers on the road., etc.
I can tell when an adult has certain behaviors that they used to be the school bully and sometimes I will come right out and ask them if they were the school bully because I don't like the way that person is treating me - especially since they are strangers.

[Danielle93]

Yeah the only difference is once they're adults, their bullying methods are more subtle than when they were kids and teens. They still have that mentality of treating others based on their perceived hierarchy. Someone they consider on the lowest position, they see that person as garbage.

[sage2021]

Thank you for the MHO 🙂🧁🌷

[SteveSmith1985]

I think the reason there are no short-term remorse from bullies, is simply because they haven't had time to grow into seeing the situation any differently.

If somebody thinks it's ok, to mistreat somebody... it makes sense that they don't realize in the short-term that it's wrong. To them its not wrong. That's why they were able to do it in the first place.

It takes growth before anyone is able to look at their past actions in a new light (whether that's bullying or anything else).

I agree that the bullied person does need closure at the time, but that's just not something that aligns with how people work.

Personally, I felt differently. Not right away either. This was not a part of any 12-step program.

Maladroit Mid-Life-Musings: Bullying, Bystanders and Regret (25 years later)

[Danielle93]

Thank you for sharing your story about Sabrina and sorry to hear what she went through. In your case, you weren't a bully and it can be difficult to help out someone that's getting mistreated. I don't palce too much guilt on bystanders since they're not the ones actively making the person miserable.
I have to say that the older the bully is, the more difficult it would be for them to change and at times they might be too far gone.

[SteveSmith1985]

I know bystanders aren't bullies. But I do feel they're one in the same, in my specific case (I could have done something easily).

But I think the point that might be applicable to you, is that people can see things differently with some time. That doesn't mean all bullies see the error of their ways. Some don't, and grow up to end up incarcerated, or simply an adult asshole.

I don't think that's the case for most bullies though. I think people often grow up to feel very differently than they did when they were a kid. I just think most bullies aren't going to seek to apologize to the people they mistreated, even if they come to feel differently. Kids don't have empathy the same way an adult does. Kids can be cruel as hell. That doesn't mean the person will continue to be cruel when they grow up.

Can I ask a bit about your experience? Like what age you were when you were bullied?

Would you really feel an apology wasn't genuine (if you were to get one)?

[Danielle93]

I wasn't ever bullied but two of my friends were. Let's call them Annie and Mary. Annie was in junior high (7th grade) when she got bullied and moved to another school the next year. Mary claimed that her and another friend were bullied by a group of girls in HS. Neither of them received any apologies. Instead when Mary was in her mid 20's and bumped into one of the mean girls, she was greeted casually with an "Let Mary, what's up girl" as if nothing happened, as if they were long time friends. Mary replied that they were never friends and that she was a total bitoch in HS but the woman claimed not to remember anything nor know what she's talking about.

[SteveSmith1985]

You know, I've heard of that reaction before. I can't say I've ever seen it myself in real life. That's a messed up thing for your friend to run into. Obviously that bully didn't do any reflecting. Instead they minimized the things they did wrong, so that they wouldn't have to ever face them. They literally re-invented the whole relationship with your friend. That's kinda crazy to me. I don't know. That would be harder to deal with than seeing your bully is still a bitch. She doesn't even remember what she put your friend through. That's maybe the worst possible outcome. It seems to invalidate everything that a person suffered. That would actually be infuriating.

[loveslongnails]

Depending on the issue and one's age, it's difficult for anyone to sincerely change. The more serious the issue, the more difficult it will be. I'd say it would take a really huge wake-up call for a bully to change.

[Danielle93]

yeah I think the older the bully is, the more likely they're too far gone. If they're still bullying by the time they're 17-18 High School Seniors and they're been doing it for years, their personalities have already formed. That might be a narcissist right there.

[EmmaMary]

@Danielle93

That's a feat of complete and utter impossibility.

[Danielle93]

Indeed. I'm not impressed at the videos of bullies apologizing in the presence of their parents. It's still not coming from the heart and it's not like they're going to suddenly changed at that moment. That bullying urge is still there and they will then do it to someone else and be more discreet about it in order to avoid getting in trouble.

[EmmaMary]

A Leopard Never Changes Its Spots... Comes to mind.