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Maladroit Mid-Life-Musings: Bullying, Bystanders and Regret (25 years later)

Maladroit Mid-Life-Musings: Bullying, Bystanders and Regret (25 years later)

I'm turning 40 in a few days, so I've been all sorts of reflective recently. I don't know anybody who would want to hear all of this. So...I'll throw it up on the internet for people to read; or not. I'm writing this mostly to just get-it-off my chest. It's probably gonna be long.

Sabrina Godman (1985-1999)


I'm only using Sabrina's full name because Sabrina has been dead for 25 years. Cancer took her when we were 14.


Sabrina Godman was a girl in my class when I was a kid. She was in my class every year; from the 1st through the end of 5th grade. I wish I could say we had been friends. But at the time, I was pretty indifferent to her. I can't say I ever even knew her very well. But she was someone I knew. Someone I saw everyday for 6 years.


Sabrina was treated like absolute shit. By everybody. The entire 6 years I knew her.


Sabrina was a genuinely nice girl. That's what I remember most about her. She was a kind person. She was a little quiet. Mostly though, it's the fact that she was kindhearted person that stands out in my memory.

She was kind to anyone; despite nobody ever being kind to her. She was treated like....her mere presence or existence was somehow offensive to everyone around her.


She was never bullied in any active or concerted way. Nobody went out of their way to fuck with her. But the way we treated her (and the way we must've made her feel) was truly awful.

Why Sabrina?


Sabrina was basically on the lowest possible rung in the popularity hierarchy. She was treated like garbage. By everyone. Even the teachers seemed to pick on Sabrina. Everyone was just so casually cruel to her every single day.


If you had asked any of us why everyone treated her so badly...the answer would have been: “Because it's Sabrina Godman”. (as though this were somehow an explanation).


Why did everyone mistreat Sabrina? Because it's Sabrina (obviously)

My Indifference


I have this deep regret that I didn't ever bother to do anything to help Sabrina. I could have. I just....didn't bother to.

I could see that it was fucked-up how everyone treated her. I didn't really partake in being mean to her. But I stood by and just watched....day-after-day....year-after-year.

She just wasn't a significant part of my life. She wasn't someone I spent time ever thinking about. She was there every single day....but she was just part of the furniture.


Being mistreated was a huge part of Sabrina's life. Witnessing Sabrina's mistreatment was only a tiny part of my life. So...I did nothing. I didn't even think about doing something. I just...didn't think much about it/her at all.

Sabrina's last day at our School


I remember the very last day of school in grade 5. Sabrina would be going to a different school the next year. She was tearing up a bit (as anyone might) as her very last day ever at her school was winding down.


I have this really clear memory from that day: This girl Stephanie, looked at Sabrina with this look of utter disgust on her face. Like she was looking at a cockroach or something.


Stephanie looked Sabrina right in her tear-stained-face and said: “Why the hell are you crying Sabrina? Nobody likes you. You don't have any friends here.”


I'm not sure why that memory stands out for me. It's not something I remember because it was more cruel than usual. It wasn't. In fact it's very typical example. It's a good representation of the way Sabrina was treated every single day.... by all of her peers, and sometimes her teachers.


Normalized Mistreatment


Sabrina never fought back--verbally or otherwise. Sabrina never got visibly mad; She never ran off crying; never tattled to the teachers. She didn't really seem to react much to being mistreated constantly. She just....took it. She seemed to have just accepted that (for some unknown reason)....everybody was going to treat her like shit.

If someone calls you a piece of shit....Most people are going to react in some way (get upset, punch you in the mouth, insult the person back etc.)


If you're called a piece of shit multiple times every day, by multiple people....Eventually a person won't continue to react. It just becomes something they're going to have to live with. It's just a part of life. You eventually stop seeing it as an unwarranted attack. It just becomes...how people interact with you. You start to get used to it and accept it as normal.


I think that's what happened with Sabrina.


Grim Math


-Sabrina Godman was alive for 14 years.


-So let's assume that Sabrina's memory of being alive started at say....age 4.


-So that's 10 year between her earliest memories, and her death.


-I know for a fact, that 6 out of those 10 years were fucking miserable for her. Just miserable.


-I know she was sick with cancer for about 2 years before she died.


-So, that leaves 2 remaining years of Sabrina's life*.

-For 8 out of her 10 years of memory: Sabrina was either battling cancer; or being treated horribly by her peers every single day.

Regret


What I'm most upset about is: I could have easily done something to help make those years less miserable for her. I could have done so easily. It barely would have required any effort.

There was no fear of "what people might think/do if I were to stick up for Sabrina." I was quite near the top of the social hierarchy. There was zero risk of my suffering any social costs had I spoken-up for her.

If I had pushed-back against people being so awful to Sabrina, I know it would have made a difference. If I had chosen to call-people-out for being assholes to her. It would have lessened some of the constant casual cruelty.


It's not that I was afraid to stand up for her. That's not what kept me from doing something. It was indifference. Pure indifference.

It's like watching somebody drowning in front of you....and you could just reach-out your hand and pull that person to safety.

Instead, you just watch and think: "well that's gotta suck"....shrug, and then walk away to go about your day. Why wouldn't you just reach out to help? It's easy.

Well....I just watched Sabrina drown. I watched it day-after-day....year-after-year. I can't say it's my biggest regret. But it's probably my second biggest regret

(My biggest regret is a single terrible decision I made when i was 20 (a story for another time/ or MyTake))

Sabrina's Death


Sabrina was at her new school when she got sick. So we all just sorta heard about her cancer; and then her death though the community grapevine (her new school was in the same city).


As far as I know....nobody from our elementary school went to her funeral. None of us visited her in the hospital. None of us even sent a fucking card to the dying girl who we were all so mean to for so many years. Nobody kept in touch with Sabrina after she changed schools. Stephanie wasn't wrong: Sabrina really didn't have any friends.


I don't know exactly when I realized I should/could have helped Sabrina. Nor do I remember exactly when I fully realized just how fucking awful things must have been for her. (and that I should've done something to make it less awful for her)

I think it happened gradually over the year or two after her death.


I know that this was a fully-formed regret by the time I freaked-out on George. I'm guessing I was around 17 or 18. George has been one of my best friends since kindergarten (so, he went to school with Sabrina and I).

I don't even remember what George said. But he said something shitty about Sabrina. It was talking about her in the same way we all used to in elementary school. Well....I lost my shit. Like really lost my shit. I flipped-the-fuck-out on George.

So I've had this regret for over 20 years. I still think about Sabrina quite regularly.

Although failing Sabrina is something I regret deeply; I do forgive myself. After all....we were all just kids. I just really really wish I had acted differently.

Conclusion


I don't know what I believe happens after death. I don't know if there's some sort of after-life or if it's just oblivion that awaits people after death.


If Sabrina's consciousness still exists somewhere, in some form...I really hope she knows how truly sorry I am. (and how often I still think about her)

Does Sabrina remind you of anyone you know?


If you're reading this and it's forcing you to remember that girl (or guy) who was the "Sabrina Godman" in your school (or highschool or whatever): Consider reaching out to that person.

If there's a part of you feels badly about how you treated someone in the past--let that person know (even if it was 25 years ago). I wish I were able to reach-out and apologize to Sabrina.

Many times I've thought about tracking down, and getting-in-touch with Sabrina's parents. It seemed like the closest I could get to being able to apologize to Sabrina herself.

I decided not to. I realized that....I would be trying to apologize to her parents to help ME feel better. It would be a weight off of MY chest if I felt that I was able to apologize to Sabrina's parents. I would be doing it for me, not because I thought her parents would feel any better for hearing how sorry I am about how we treated Sabrina (and my not lifting a finger to help her)

I wish I could apologize to Sabrina. I really really do wish there were some way to let her know how I feel. That's impossible. If the "Sabrina Godman" from your past is still alive...Reach out and say what you wanna say. I think the person would appreciate it. I think that Sabrina would appreciate an apology were she still alive.

If YOU were the "Sabrina Godman" at your school. I hope you know that (at least some) of the people who treated you so terribly probably grew-up to regret their mistreatment of you. Even if they haven't/don't reach-out to apologize to you....I'm sure some of them feel appropriately guilty and ashamed for the way they wronged you in the past.

*P.S.


When I was maybe 17 or so, I became friends with this dude 'J' who had actually gone to school with Sabrina after she switched schools. He was friends with her.


I found out from him, that....Sabrina wasn't treated like shit at her new school.


He was surprised to learn (from me) what Sabrina's social life had been like before he met her. It seems that Sabrina, at least, got a year and a half of living a normal life. She (at least) had a small window of her life where I hope she was able to find some joy. I'm so glad that at least for a short time...Sabrina had regular friends who treated her like a regular girl.

I hope she got to feel like people didn't all treat her like some subhuman non-person. I hope she felt that people wanted her around. I hope she felt like somebody gave a shit about her. I hope that last year and a half before she got sick was crammed full of all the positive experiences she always deserved.

If Sabrina hadn't switched schools, she might very well have lived her entire (short) life without ever knowing what it's like to have friends. I am so glad that she got a glimpse of the normal social life she always deserved. Sabrina was a kind girl who never harmed anybody.

For me, Sabrina Godman's life-and-death also serves as a clear illustration that "life's not fair." There was nothing fair about Sabrina's short life.


Rest in Peace Sabrina Godman.

(holy shit are you still reading this?! You're a masochist. Well thanks for reading. I needed to get all of this out. It's nice if someone actually read it all. 🙂 )

Maladroit Mid-Life-Musings: Bullying, Bystanders and Regret (25 years later)
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