Jurassic World!!! One Big Steaming Pile Of...

[RolandCuthbert]

!!!Spoiler Alert!!!

Okay well. . .it is very rare to go to the cinema and see a flick that actually causes one. . . physical pain, but Jurassic World finds a way! It is so bad on so many fronts. Bad acting, bad writing, bad dialogue, bad script, weird special effects, uninteresting characters. . .well, except "Blue".

Of course, most of it is just "Running from Dinosaurs Part 9". But then there is even worse. We are tricked into think the plot is about rescuing dinosaurs. But nah, it is basically the same movie as the last. It is basically, "Lets build a Superpredator part II". And of course, the superpredator again, is super evil.

The movie tries to convey some very important lessons.

1. Dinosaur cruelty is bad. Evil humans always torture dinosaurs and make fun of them.

2. Amazingly dinosaurs only eat evil people. They might try to eat good humans every once in a while but they can only eat evil people successfully.

3. Running from dinosaurs can be fun!

4. Blue needs his own movie. One where he can play a covert CIA agent or an undercover detective. And he can infiltrate some evil dinosaur organization and find a way to take it down from the inside. The next flick I predict will be called, "Jurassic World 2, Blue The Loose Cannon Dinosaur!"

5. It is way sadder when dinosaurs die than when humans do.

6. Hollywood will put anything on screen if they think it will make money. It doesn't matter how pointless or weird the plot.

And you GaGers will love it. As much as you guys hate Hillary Clinton, they sneak a line in to piss off trump supporters. One of the antagonists in the movie calls one of the female hero characters, "Such a nasty woman". That makes her entirely sympathetic. You guys will be cheering for the bad guys all movie long.

Oh, this movie has it all. You know you are watching a bad flick when you are in tears from laughing during the movie's supposedly most emotionally compelling scenes.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, Jurassic World. . .ZERO STARS!!!!

If you are a masochist, I guarantee multiple orgasms! Go see it now!

[MlleCake]

I was mildly impressed by the first movie when it came out and have been bored of the franchise for two decades.

This time of year when it's getting hot though, it's sometimes worth it to see a really bad movie just to sit in the air conditioning for a couple hours.

So, I hope it saved you some sweat.

[RolandCuthbert]

Well, I can't complain. I went because of a NetApp presentation. The vendor presented, then we watched the flick. They do a lot of vendor presentations in movie theaters now and try get buyers out by showing a popular movie. So me and my friend stayed for the flick. It was free.

And we got free popcorn and drinks. Also a stuffed t-rex. Re-gift!!!

:D

[MlleCake]

Worth it for stuffed T-Rex.

[Dog19]

Did you read my newest Kickstarter? If you decide to give some money and the porject doesn't get fully funded you get the money you donated back. You can give as much or as little as you want as well. :3

Oh and interesting my take. The movie sounds silly and not put together well.

[RolandCuthbert]

I saved it in my favorites.

[jacquesvol]

I didn't like these movies.
Spielberg made better than these

[RolandCuthbert]

I would tend to agree.

The whole evil dinosaur thing was just hilarious.

[_乃尺OЩ刀_TITI]

This shit is why I watch Bollywood and Nollywood deez dayz.

[RolandCuthbert]

You need to review a couple of movies. I have never seen much from either genre. The close I can was perhaps, Karma Sutra or Monsoon Wedding. But those are directed by Mira Nair, who pretty much just does stuff for Western audiences.

[Servus09]

This is also why I watch Korean, Chinese, and German movies. The best films being made today are not being made in America.

[RolandCuthbert]

@Servus09 I would probably agree. But this is Jurassic World. It isn't like it is up for any Oscars or anything.

Its just designed to make money.

[EpicDweeb]

Everything you've said thus far just makes me want to watch the movie more... also...
1. the plot switch up you described is literally spoiled in the trailers so if your hopes were that it was a rescue the dinosaurs movie... ya played yaself.
2. Blue is a girl.
3. Don't speak negative things about the acting skills of Chris Pratt as my beloved cinnamon roll ever again. x3

[RolandCuthbert]

1. Oh I didn't have any "hope". I went simply because I was invited. My vendor was trying to impress me.

2. Blue. . . girl. . . boy, whatever.

3. Haha!

Hilarious!

[RolandCuthbert]

Oh, I thought you would hate the film simply because of the dig at trump supporters anyway. You sure you want to see it? That part is painful for anyone with a brain.

[EpicDweeb]

I sat through the emoji movie and was able to enjoy it. I'll be fine xD

[RolandCuthbert]

Haha! Now that is funny!

[EpicDweeb]

Welp... watched the movie... honestly loved it xD

[Anonymous]

I agree, it was bad. Hollywood needs to stop rebooting decades old franchises and start coming up with more orginal material. Nearly every movie now is a reboot or a sequel.
As for the whole anti-trump Hollywood thing with their speeches and references in movies I wish they'd all shut up because their hypocrisy just makes Trump all that stronger.

[Trollfather]

They don't have any material. They've turned to books and comics and doing a shit job of it.

[Opinion Owner]

@Trollfather look at Spiderman they've rebooted it twice in 6 years.

[Trollfather]

Yeah and the cartoon is still better. =/

[RolandCuthbert]

Oh, I don't care about it being a reboot. It obvious they made money off the last flick, which is why we got this steaming pile of. . .

But I just say if you are going to something ridiculous go full tilt. Give Blue and the Evil Dinosaur dialogue! Let them talk.

Like Blue could be like, "Evil Dinosaur, I will meet you up on the roof at midnight."

And the Evil Dinosaur can be like, " Yippie ki Yay, MF!"

[JDavid25]

@Trollfather Comic book movies are fine.. LOL...

[TwinklingNeurons]

xDlol

[DizzyDesii]

#2 yea it made no sense how the trex didn't try to eat owen while he was outside the glass ball

Im pissed Jeff had a cameo only but even he knew thisnmovie sucked. It had got postponed after bryce and chris got into after JW1, so it didn't even need to be finished in terms of production

[RolandCuthbert]

Yeah, I love Jeff so much. He was always the type to take oddball roles and I always admired him for it. "Buckaroo Banzai, The Fly, The First Jurassic Park, Earth Girls are Easy". He always had a knack for picking these cult films that stuck with you.

But, I guess they just kept adding zeros until he said yes.

[DizzyDesii]

I loved him in Earth Girls Are Easy, Independence Day, Cats & Dogs, The Fly, JP, and Hideaway

[sketchy]

If you keep paying to watch crap like this, they'll keep making it.
The previous Jurassic World movie had the scene where it was explained that the cynical, money-grabbing corporate types who ran the park had decided they needed to create a bigger, scarier new dinosaur to up the wow factor. And that pretty much summed up the entire movie - it was just a dumb, cynical money grab (if Michael Bay ever made a dinosaur movie, it would look *exactly* like Jurassic World). I don't know why you thought the sequel would be any better...

[RolandCuthbert]

Oh, I didn't pay.

Vendor paid. I watched free, ate free, for free stuff dinosaurs, free everything, even the ride to the event.

[Anon-ymous1]

I mean... I could tell just by how absolute shit the trailer was that your assessment here has to be on point. I won't be seeing it. It looked fucking stupid.

[RolandCuthbert]

Well, you can see if it you are the type who can laugh at movies that are not comedies or if you are into having your pain receptacles stimulated.

[Trollfather]

I haven't seen it yet but I expected it wouldn't be too great. My favorite Jurassic movies were the first 2 from the 90s. Then it all went downhill.

[RolandCuthbert]

I just liked the first one.

That's it.

[Servus09]

So basically it's Planet of the Apes but with dinosaurs?

[RolandCuthbert]

Well, sort of. I guess. The humans are mostly bad and the dinosaurs are mostly good. Except for the dinosaurs that are created by human to be evil.

It is a very complicated script!

[TwinklingNeurons]

Well, looking at the trailer, I'd have to agree. I mean, a saving dinosaurs from a volcano. Really?

[JustRollTheDice]

I didn't think so but you have persuaded me other wise

[Bananaman177]

No offense, but what did you expect after the last Jurassic Park movie?

I don't get why people are so shocked that these mega franchises are all dogshit now. Guess what, in another 20 years, movies will actually find a way to be WORSE, so you have that to look forward to.

[RolandCuthbert]

I posted a review dude. And I didn't expect anything. I have only seen the first two movies. Obviously, the last movie was a box office hit at 1.6 billion.

Weirdness.

[Bananaman177]

Yeah, it was a hit, but it was also completely retarded.

So of course everybody who saw that the FIRST movie was dumb knew better than to pay money for the sequel.

That's how this shit works, get a clue. First movie in a new series being a hit doesn't guarantee the sequel will be, that's actually more uncommon than not.

If you want to "just post a review," know what the fuck you're talking about or else don't be so sensitive to legitimate criticism, you BIG GIRL!

[RolandCuthbert]

Uhm. . . again, I didn't see it. I was invited to this premiere. So I went because of the invite. And I posted the review as a courtesy to those who think this might be a good flick.

I have no idea what the last movie was about. I wasn't interested and did not care. Obviously this movie by comparison to the last was a disappointment from a profit standpoint. Having done not even half what the last film did and almost all of that coming from overseas.

So as you would say.

"Get a clue".

[Bananaman177]

Wait, wait, wait. . . your excuse for not knowing what the fuck you're talking about is that you are ignorant and lazy? That's your excuse?

And you say I should "get a clue" about how lazy and ignorant you are?

THIS IS SERIOUSLY WHAT YOU'RE SAYING TO ME? Did some enemy of yours hack your account and post this to make you look stupid?

[RolandCuthbert]

No. I don't have any excuses. Do you think I owe you one?

Let me explain something to you son.

Kiss the crack of my "Black" ass. Use your tongue and find my excuse in my crack. Because seriously, I didn't see one around here. And I don't give a fuck you if you think you need one. I am all out of fucks to give to you about excuses.

So if your feelings are hurt about the sex you had with that dildo made from cactus meat this morning. I don't even care. Some guys just don't call afterwards you know. Make better choices little one.

[Bananaman177]

But you're just capitulating! You're surrendering, but you're doing it with a tough guy attitude!

What the FUCK? I'm dying laughing.

[RolandCuthbert]

Who me? I don't have a tough guy attitude. I don't act like a tough guy.

Ask anyone.

[Bananaman177]

"Kiss the crack of my black ass, crack-ass cracker! I don't owe nobody no excuse, y'kno'msayin'!"

Whatever you call that, your street thug attitude.

[RolandCuthbert]

Haha! My attitude was that of a street thug? But yours was not.

Dude, there wouldn't any if you didn't start any.

Go back to sitting on your cactus dildo. You need some lovin'!!!

Haha!

[Guanfei]

Finally, the only good side of that crappy movie, is the game they made from it, Jurassic World Evolution.

[RolandCuthbert]

Never hard of it. It is out for the playstation?

[Guanfei]

I'm not sure. I think so. It's a park management game. Like, you have to manage Jurassic World as if nothing went wrong. And make sure nothing goes wrong.

[RolandCuthbert]

Hmmm, that sounds interesting.

[Guanfei]

Apparently the game is praised as one of the best Jurassic Park game ever made. Guess I know where my money will go soon.

[SleepingSnorlax]

i like jurassic park and jurassic world. we dont talk about jp 2 & 3 tho. fallen kingdom was pretty bad yea

[LegateLanius]

LMAO, haha. I need you to write more reviews.

[RolandCuthbert]

I try!

:D

[SamaLok]

This movie has made for the chinese audience, who don't care about plot or script. Only the visual and DINOSAURS!!!

[TheUglyMan]

I found it very scary

[RolandCuthbert]

And I found it hilarious. So we are in agreement.

[Anonymous]

I think so.

[Anonymous]

True