A few years ago, my twenty-something niece made a remark to me about this terrible friend she has and mentioned some of the selfish, stupid things she does and how she constantly hurts her. When I asked her, “Why don’t you just end your friendship with her?” Her excuse was: “Because we’ve been friends since middle school.”
This had me wondering: How many people actually use this excuse to keep toxic people in their lives? Just because someone has been in your life longer doesn’t mean they are in your life for the better. It is likely that a great friend could be around the corner that you haven’t met or given a chance because you feel that the time invested in one person means more. Your time was not wasted, but will be if you continue. You had that person in your life for “x” amount of years, and it’s time to stop wasting time being hurt and find people who will respect you, even if it means starting over.
Time to take inventory of the people who are in your life. What possible purpose do some people have being in your life now, or taking up so much of your time? While “breaking up” with a friend doesn’t have to be as definite as say, ending a relationship with a lover – as these seem to be the times we feel we need to set things straight on whether or not we want that person in our lives – breaking up with friends can be done a little more delicately such as dissolving communication until there is no more. It also doesn’t mean we need to cut ties indefinitely as networking these days seem to be everything, but to stop speaking, removing them from social media, and not answering their calls gets the message across that you’re not interested in continuing a friendship that isn’t working for you.
If you’re point-blank asked, you can just say you’re moving in a different direction, and need time for yourself to find what makes you happy. They can conclude for themselves that this means you’re moving forward without them. If they scream about it, insulting you in the process, that should tell you you made the right choice. If they let you go without a word, chances are they felt the same. If they want to talk about it and hold on to you, they are likely scared that they continue to need you as a kick-toy. This is when you can just show some class and tell them that at this time moving on is what you need, and if they are a true friend they will respect this. You can tell them that you don’t know what the future will hold, wish them all the best. Then let them go.
Auntie Ozanne's Guide to Ending Toxic Friendships
1. Ask yourself how many more years can this go on? If you’ve known someone since the third grade, it means that as eight-year olds you probably connected. But this is not always the case now that you’re adults. People find different careers, life paths, relationships and they just evolve in to people we might not have ever connected with had we not known them since school. If you have nothing in common and find they have personally become people you wouldn’t spend time with, there is nothing stopping you from having nice memories of being eight years old with that person and leaving it at that.
2. Is the person using the time invested to know you’ll just stick around to get kicked around? If a “friend” makes comments that you’ve been friends for so long and you’ll be back, just like always – does this not sound a bit like an abusive relationship when one controls the other and has them in their life only for the purpose of keeping them down? Let the warning bells sound. This person was in your life to teach you a lesson, you learned it, and now it is time to cut them from your life. You don't owe it to them to try being friends again. You gave them chances and now it's time you give yourself a chance to find happiness elsewhere with other people.
3. I’m going to quote Wilson from Home Improvement: “Have they been your best friend for twenty-five years?...or were they your best friend twenty-five years ago?” When you see the difference, it will click. Nothing says you need to hang on to deadweight friends because they had some hold on you personally many years ago. People change, habits change, and if they don’t jive with your life now, or they’ve done things to hurt you, know the difference between length of time they’ve been your friend or how long ago they really meant something to you.
Most Helpful Opinions