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To regret and not to regret

To regret and not to regret



April 17 2015 i sit in the waiting room of the hospital. I had gotten a bunch of tests done on Monday 14 and was now waiting for my results. I was nervous but I didn't think it was anything serious. But I was wrong. Colon cancer at 21. Great. Like I didn’t feel awkward enough with the whole biopsy deal. Seriously, I know this is horrible to say and even think but I wished I had gotten a more "graceful" diagnose. I had ass cancer. Yes. Ass. Cancer.


Anyway, I sat there for a while, chewing on the fact that my bowels were filled with cancer and that I now had to face an entire year of chemotherapy and hairloss. I was cool with it. I could do this, no biggie. And then it hit me. How did I tell my parents? Should I tell them? Well at some point they'd find out. My parents don't do well with bad news. In fact they don't do well with any news at all. Especially not the bad. So, I decided to wait until it became too obvious that something was wrong and at that point I was well into my treatment. Christmas was hard, the entire last part of 2014 was hard. I was getting frustrated with the chemotherapy and the toll it took on my body. I was constantly fatigued and I could feel every muscle in my body ache. But I remained positive and the prognosis looked good.


After New Years and the end of Winter, I felt my energy levels peak for the first time in what felt like a lifetime. I could walk further, I started running again and by April I was done. I was finally able to undergo surgery and they removed the tumor. It took me a while to recover but I healed perfectly. It was such a relief to leave it all behind me and start over. Although my family had been there for me the best they could, it was extremely difficult for them and in a way, I regret having told them because I believe that it was harder for them than it was for me. They took almost an entire year out of their lives to be there for me, going to extreme lengths out of consideration and missing out on important things.


To regret and not to regret



Sometimes the psychological struggles are worse than the physical. We often miss it and sometimes we don't even think about it, but pain has many faces and wears many masks. It can show itself as a sorrowful smile, a tearful glance and even hide as a comforting hand.


I owe everything to my family and my boyfriend, who's now my ex. And it took me a while to realize that we all suffered just the same but only one was fully cured of the pain - me. For I didn’t fear losing my life, but they did, every single day and that pain is unique to family and loved ones.


I both regret having told them because I wish I could've spared them the hurt but I also don't regret it because if things had gone downhill, the hurt would've been... Unimaginable.


If you consider hiding an illness or something else from your family because you think they wouldn't be able to handle it? Think twice.


They may be stronger than you think.

To regret and not to regret
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